AN: Hay Sebastian hurr, I decided to Revamp chapter one into the style of all the other chapters.
So enjoy a revamped version of "Failing Reality"
This still wont be as funny as the 4 chapters after it. XD
Warnings: There are way to many to bother listing off, its rate M for a reason people. Dx
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Getting on the train that was always fun. It was possibly the biggest death trap ever, ever, ever. Hogwarts train was filled with annoying little scene fucks and goffz, and of course the golden trio, the golden trio, three kids known for their golden showers and bad taste in well. . . everything.
But enough about those idiots this story isn't about them, not one bit. It's about her. And her faggot for a twin brother Alexei. Bridgette and Alexei Cheverie are a token Mary-sue and token homosexual male character that of course have deep dark pasts and will some how and in some way be related to Harry Potter through some trippy method of time travel or some faggotry that involves fucking up any theory about the space and time continuum.
Now that you all know about that lets actually get into the story.
Totally skipping the boring train ride that didn't have the new kids on the train because everyone knows that new students fly in on fucking rainbow coloured Pegasus' all shinny and sparkly and make a grand entrance that involves explosions and a warning of horrible awful things to come.
And that's exactly how it fucking happened too, we were all sitting around at our tables watching Dumbledore stumble around drunk out of his mind telling off all the Hogwarts staff and even a few of the students, he crawled up to Neville and grabbed onto his pant leg and asked
"Mr. Longbottom, why do you have three legs." Neville didn't know what to say, all he did was sit there and stare at the drunk headmaster before replying
"I don't sir." Dumbledore didn't believe him that was obvious but he didn't press the matter any further. He then made his way over to the stage and stood up to introduce the new professor
"Everyone this is Professor Rankin, she will be the new defence against the dark arts teacher" He pointed to her, she stood up and she stood there waving her blonde hair sparkling, literally sparkling, as she went to sit down she tripped and face planted into the table causing the entire great hall to laugh the new professor started to cry and she ran out of the room forgetting her sparkly aura.
After this Dumbledore decided to introduce us to the new students, the flew in on their gay little Pegasus' the dismounted them and strutted up to the stage where the sorting hat awaited them, the boy was first, he sat down like a little princess on their throne and waited for the hat to be placed onto his head and waited to be sorted the hat started to speak to him mentally like it does and Alexei suddenly screamed out and dropping the hat on the floor.
"What te fuck it talks?" He shouted like he'd never seen a talking hat before, the hat glared at him before screaming out the house he was to be sorted into
"SLYTHERIN!" The entire Slytherin table was silent, none of them knew what to think, the great hall was so quiet in fact that you could hear filch in the next room raping Miss Norris. Alexei left the stage walking down to his new house and sitting there, the sound of crickets became very audible and this pissed off Dumbledore seeing as his buzz had worn off and he now had a bit if a hangover, he waved his wand causing all the crickets to literally explode after that he beckoned for Bridgette to come sit on the stool.
She walked up her robes flowing and her long blonde hair as perfect as every other photoshopped scene girls hair, she batted her eyelashes and flaunted her gooey brown eyes before smiling like she had a million times before in the mirror at home, practising to get it right. She also danced and sung naked in the mirror every night but that's another story. Anyway her smile caused every teenage boy in the great hall to ejaculate all over everything leaving the great hall floor coated with teenage sex and making the entire hall wreak and a few people faint.
She sat there clearly happy that every girl was jealous of her and every boy wanted to do her, with that she waited to be sorted into a house. . .
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To Be Continued.
READ AND REVIEW. D8