Hello everyone! This is Derek's point of view from episode 6x23.
This is my first song-type-fic. It really is more like a fic, though. With Song lyrics mixed in- the song is called Slow Me Down by Emmy Rossum, and I think it's really beautiful. It's after episode 6x23. I wanted to make it about the whole finale, but I can't watch it without getting hysterical, so I had to settle for this. And that is fine with me.
The quotes? Oh yeah. Some of them, I was able to watch the scene again, but others I cannot bear to watch. The finale really affected me! Anyway, many of the lines are brought from my memory. Here's a random fact about me: After watching the finale, I was paying so much attention to Derek that I had most of the speech memorized.
Anyways, I hope you enjoy! It took a me a long time and a lot of courage to write this, as I didn't want to relive the finale, so comments would be DEEPLY appreciated!
Just slow me, slow me down
Slow me down, slow me down
It was an ordinary day. I was practically living in the hospital. There would be a new post-op, new gala, more paperwork, different surgery that needed to be signed off. Every day, it was something else. Although sometimes it would be something new, it always felt like it was repeated, like I was running on loop. As I stood on the catwalk, I was watching the hospital. My hospital.
I had never understood what Richard had always warned me of: of the long hours, the difficult choices, the weight I had to carry along with me. I could never just make decisions about me anymore. It was always about the hospital now.
What would be best for this hospital?
Would this hospital benefit from this?
How would this help the hospital?
It was never about me. I was constantly moving, at a pace I could barely keep up with. I hadn't seen my wife in forty-eight hours. We didn't have time for fun in the on-call room or in the elevator. There were no breaks I was allowed to take. I was moving…
…moving…
…always moving.
Rushing and racing and running in circles
Moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere
When Meredith walked into my office- my second home which never felt like a home- I watched her radiant smile brighten the room. I had missed it, so long I had missed it.
"Hey, you paged?" Her voice sounded surprisingly bright and bubbly. I smiled and stood up from my desk.
"I like to say hi to my wife every forty-eight hours." I joked, but I meant it. "You didn't come home last night." Our schedules were screwed up. I would get a chance to be home, and she wouldn't be. She would be home, and I would be at the hospital, doing th emery-go-round job as the chief.
"I told you, every Tuesday night I'm trolling for cases. Last night, a guy crashed his motorcycle…" I looked back down at my paperwork, worried I had forgotten to write something down. She finished with, "…Shadow Shepherd let me do the extraction." This caught my ears.
"You know what I'm doing." I fake grinned up at her. "Paperwork. And what do I have to look forward to today? MORE paperwork. This job is…" I trailed off, "I would love to have something jammed in my brain. That way I'd see the inside of an OR."
She didn't get it, but tried to understand: "Okay. Well. Um, are you going to come home tonight? Because we could order in and I have some stuff to tell you."
I sighed, I was distracted. I wanted so badly to be thrilled, excited for this night we had together, but the paperwork was engulfing me. "Yeah. I'll be there."
"I have to go, I'm on Sloan's post-ops." She said, still smiling.
"I hate that you're so happy." I smiled up at her. Truth was, I was jealous she was getting all these surgeries and things that were actually medical. And I got to sit doing…
…paperwork.
"Derek. There's going to be a lot of dirty sex for you tonight.
I cocked my head to the side and smiled. I'm not one to argue.
My head and my heart are colliding chaotic
Pace of the world I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
I'm falling apart
The rest of the bland, gray morning was uneventful. I witnessed as I completed page after page of paperwork, packet after dumb packet. I would instinctively check my pager every few minutes, as if I would be alerted to a neurosurgery case at a moments notice. The aching feeling in the back of my head made it clear to me that it wasn't going to happen. Unless it was like Cristina's wedding day and someone showed up with a massive object in their scull, I most likely wouldn't be getting anything nearly as interesting as that. I probably wouldn't see the inside of the OR for a few more days, either. I couldn't help it. My hopes were raising against my will, colliding with my doubts.
I reached for another piece of paperwork, but my door opened. I expected it to be Meredith again, asking again if I would come home, but to my surprise and dismay, it was Dr. Kepner.
"Dr. Kepner?" I questioned nervously, seeing that she had blood pouring down her body. Did she pop some poor patients blood vessel all over her bloods? I hoped not, I couldn't deal with another lawsuit. She didn't say anything, except stand with a distant look deep within her childish eyes and she continued to shake. "April what is it?" I asked, my concern increasing slightly.
"Did you know I grew up on a farm?" She began. What the heck was she talking about?
"What happened?" I mumbled again. What did the fact that she had blood all over her tiny blue scrubs have to do with the fact that she grew up on a farm?
"I grew up on a farm so you know that blood doesn't bother me… I slaughtered a pig once. That was a lot of blood." I studied her nervously, what was she trying to say? "Bleeding like a stuck pig, you know, that's a saying. To bleed like a pig you know it means something. But you don't think of people as having that much blood, you learn in med school how many pints we all have but you don't realize it until you see it; you don't get how much blood. And she's a skinny person! Reed she's… almost anorexic she's like five pounds, you wouldn't think she'd have that much blood…" I bit my lip, confused. "She did. She did!"
I couldn't take her nonsense rambling, I needed to know what happened. I took her head in my hands firmly and said, "April, April, You're in shock. It's okay. Tell me what happened."
"Reed's dead." WHAT? I thought. What was she talking about? "Someone shot her…" She said with a sob. I could feel my heart beat begin to quicken, racing in my chest. Someone shot her.
Shot.
There was a shooter…
…in the hospital.
My hospital.
Save me
Somebody take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
Cause I'm ready to fall
"You're the head of hospital security how do you not know?" I said frantically into the black phone, clutching it like a life vest. "It's never happened before! Oh, I found it." I gulped. "Lockdown. Nobody moves in or out." My heart was flying, leaping, over and over again. Lockdown. "Nobody moves, nobody breathes until we know what's going on." I said, hanging up the phone in a rush. I couldn't process what was going on.
"Here." I said, rubbing some of the blood off of April's head. I didn't want people to think she was injured and take unnecessary precautions. "The police are almost here." I added, thousands of thoughts running through my brain. "I'm leaving, are you going to be okay here by yourself?" I said flatly. It was more of an answer than a question.
"You're leaving?" She stuttered. "You said that nobody leaves, nobody moves, nobody breathes.
"I'm chief." I took a deep breath. "This is my hospital." I tried to make the words sink into me, but for some reason they were bouncing back. I had to handle this. I had to protect my hospital.
"What if you get shot? Or…or…" She mumbled, frightened. It wasn't what I was worried about then. I needed to help the people and warn them of what was going on.
"I'll be right back. I'm… I'm chief. " I reassured her, closing the door and putting a mask of non-panic on my face as I rushed down the hall. My first stop was the OR, as I knew that if security sent out a page, they'd be the last to check it.
"How's it going in here?" I said as I was bursting in, not taking the time to scrub in.
"Touch and go." Owen groaned.
"Avery, you got a second?" I ignored Owen's remark and looked at him, begging with my eyes to let me have the second I knew would change everything.
He walked over to me expectantly and looked me in the eye. "Has anyone checked their pager?"
"No, we've been too busy." Just as I thought.
I was breathing hard but trying to stay calm as I poured out, "There's a shooter in the hospital." He looked up, his eyes widening. "I don't want you to say a word." I gulped, my fear rising in my throat. "When the patient is stable, I want you to tell Hunt that nobody goes out here until you're told." His eyes were still wide in shock. "Well, can you handle this?"
"Yes sir." He said in disbelief.
"Alright." I said as I left quickly, fleeing for the hallway as if my life depended on it. And as I thought about it, it probably did.
Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down
I continued to warn everyone, my heart continued to beat quickly, refusing to stop. The hallways were continuing to empty, and although it was eerie, I was thankful. People were staying safe. I was saving people, and they were going to be okay. Maybe, just maybe, Reed was going to be the only one injured. It could all turn out okay. Maybe~
"Hey, what are you doing here?" I saw Meredith and Cristina walking through the hallway, clearly oblivious to what was going on.
"Uh, walking." Cristina said matter-of-factly.
"We're on lockdown." I stated as if they should have known. They should have known!
"Yeah, we're not walking outside." Cristina snorted.
"That's not what lockdown means! It means stay where you are!"
"Did you know that's what it meant?"
"No." Meredith said for the first time. She clearly had something on her mind, but I couldn't take the time to figure it out.
"Get in here." I said, pulling them into a closet as I looked around nervously.
"Why…?" Cristina began as Meredith looked onto me with concerned eyes.
"There's a shooter loose in the hospital." My hands were shaking as I began to close the door.
"What!"
"Stay here. Don't move." I took a gulp, begging for oxygen, "I'll come back and get you when it's clear. Just stay here and DON'T move." I said, retreating back down the hallway again, taking deep, shuddery breaths.
Sometimes I fear that I might disappear
In the blur of fast forward I falter again
Forgetting to breathe
I need to sleep
I'm getting nowhere
I did one more sweep of the hospital, hoping and praying that I had gotten everyone out. The halls were empty as far as I could tell, and I felt a bit of weight lifted off my shoulders. Even with that weight gone, there was the impossible notion that I had the whole hospital depending on me, making sure I kept them safe.
All that I've missed I see in the reflection
Pass me while I wasn't paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
I'm falling apart
I was running faster, a race with the clock. The police will be here soon, I muttered to myself and repeated in my brain, they'll be here soon, and it'll all be okay. I was reassuring myself more than I could promise, biting off more than I could ever chew, but I didn't think about it. All I could do was focus on the plans ahead. All I could do was see that I had managed to get everyone else on lockdown, protected. I had kept them safe, and that was my mission.
I stopped in my tracks and replayed those thoughts in my head. Sure, I had kept everyone else safe, but…
…what about me? I took a deep breath and stood against the wall for a second, hoping that I wouldn't see any crazy eyed shooter running down the hallway. All I needed to do was to get back to my office. I could lock the door and I would be safe.
Tell me
Oh won't you take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
Cause I'm ready to fall
As I ran, I felt the wind picking up, hitting my face. I passed empty conference rooms, patient rooms- rooms that every time I'd looked into them in the past- they'd been filled. But not now. Now, they were empty, eerie, breathless, silent. I guessed that people were hiding in some of them, crying silently, hoping that they'd be okay.
I shoved the negativity out of my head and continued to make my way back to the office, checking my pager every few minutes for a new call from 911. I knew I was getting my hopes up too high. Again.
Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down
When I walked across the catwalk, I realized something. I could see my office, I was so close to a locked door, a phone. So close to safety. I checked my pager one more time, until I heard a voice with a slight southern accent behind me. I impulsively turned around as the voice said, "Dr. Shepherd?" He was old, wrinkled and tarnished with years of his life. I didn't recognize him, but he must have been a patient or patients relative.
"You shouldn't be here. It's not safe." I said to him, continuously checking the area for any signs of a person- or more importantly- a gun.
"I know. I know it's not safe." He began, an odd smile on his face. "That's the point. This hospital isn't safe, but you don't recognize me do you?" It was hard to pay attention to this elderly man when I had so much on my mind, but I thought hard for a moment.
"Mr. Clark," I said gently as I remembered the old man. "I have a situation here. I think you should go someplace safe. I don't want you getting hurt…"
To my surprise, he didn't look panicked at all. He had an eerie glare on his face as he said, "I'm already hurt."
Just show me
I need you to slow me down
Slow me down
Slow me down
I didn't understand. Did he have a gunshot wound? Was he wounded? I looked at him, waiting for him to continue.
"You hurt me…" He stumbled around with something in his pocket. "…when you decided to kill my wife." And then he pulled out a dull, black, tiny…
…gun.
My nerves went crazy, every bone in my body shaking in tight and quick vibrations. He was the shooter. I nodded, my body numb, understanding what this meant. He was the shooter, and he was after me.
The shooter was after me.
I continued to stand there, waiting for something to happen. I felt sick, my stomach churning quickly within my body. I could barely comprehend what was going on. My legs were shaking.
"Mr. Clark…" I said, not taking my eyes off of the scary black object.
"Shut up, no talking. You're not the man here." He scowled at me, immense anger written across my face. I had never been so scared in my life. The gun was taunting me, pointing at me, aiming for my chest, shaking up at down. "I'm a man. I promised my wife I'd be one. A man is supposed to look after his wife, but I didn't. I let you decide whether she should die. I wasn't a man then, but I am a man now."
I put my hands up, in complete surrender, and I felt the tears come.
How was I going to get out of this?
I took a deep breath and thought to myself, It's going to be okay. It's all going to be okay.
The noise of the world is getting me caught up
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it
I looked deep into his eyes, feeling my eyes water and making his form blurry. I took a deep breath and began, what was I going to say? I didn't want to die… I couldn't… I needed to say something. But what? If I said the wrong thing… I took a gulp of air, breathing hard.
"What kind of hospital is this? Someone needs to keep people safe, from you." He snarled at me. "Giving judgments, like you're God?"
"Please…" I held my hands up, my voice quiet and weak. I felt like I was going to collapse. I couldn't handle this, I didn't know how.
"You don't get to be God!"
I started breathing even deeper and shakier than before, attempting to form words between each unsettling breath. "Mr. Clark, listen to me. I know your loss." I was pushing words out before I knew what I was saying. "My father was shot when I was a kid. Two guys killed him for his watch. Right in front of me, right in front of me." I blinked hard for a second, pushing those thoughts out of my head, the memories tearing at my heart. "I didn't become a doctor because I wanted to be god, I became a doctor because I wanted to save lives." My voice was deep and shaking. I was so afraid… I didn't know what to do. I began to beg, I began to plead, thinking of Meredith… "Look at me, please. I'm a human. I make mistakes and I'm flawed. We all are." What would happen to her if she was gone? My eyes refilled with tears, fear and anguish close to spilling over the lid. I took a deep breath and finished, "Today for you, I think, is just a mistake. You're a good man. I can see that in your eyes. Can you see it in mine?"
Just need to breathe
Somebody please
Slow me down
A/N: SO! What did you think? Did you like it? Not like it? I apologize if I didn't get the last speech right. I took it off of MEMORY. I can't watch that video again, it made me too sad. Anyways, this fic was extremely hard to write, and- as dorky as this sounds- I even cried while I was writing it. But I wanted to give Patrick/Derek the recognition and support they deserve. Thanks for reading! Comments = love.