If You Have To Let It Go

Summary: SP angst. It's Phil's leaving do and Sam finally summons the courage to tell him she loves him but is it too late? Sam's POV. One shot songfic.

More SP angst again. So much fun to write. Not a happy ending this time. Well it's bittersweet. I'll shut up now and let you read it. Please leave a review too! Xx

Song lyrics are from Walk Away by Funeral for a Friend.

I can't believe he's really leaving. He handed in his resignation to Jack this morning. I watched him take purposeful strides towards the DCI's office and part of me just wanted to rush out of my office and tell him not to go. But I didn't. I sat there, pretending that I was concentrating on the computer screen before me but my thoughts couldn't have been further away. Neil seemed to know that something was up with me but had the sense not to mention it to me. I'm silently grateful for this. He pretended not to notice when my head shot up as I heard the DCI's office door close. I watched as Phil walked back towards the main CID office, he looks less confident now, less self-assured. I wonder if he really wants to leave. I know deep down that it's all because of me. I don't mean to sound full of myself but it's the truth. I pushed him too hard and he needs an escape route.

"Are you going to Phil's leaving do?" Neil asked, putting on his jacket at the day and startling me out of my reverie. I'm thinking about Phil again, what a surprise.

"I didn't know he was having one." I reply and my tone is cold; colder than I intended it to be. Of course, Neil notices.

"It's just a few drinks down at the Canley Arms. It'll be a good chance to say goodbye." Neil said, obviously made uncomfortable by the vibes I'm giving off.

"I've got work to do." I tell him, and then I see the look on my face. "As soon as I work my way through this lot, I'll try and make it."

Neil nodded. "See you later then, Sam."

I'm relieved when he leaves me in peace until I realise that I've now tricked myself into going to Phil's leaving party.

.

After an hour has passed and there's not a piece of paperwork in sight I decide that I should probably head to the pub. If all goes according to plan I can be in and out of there in the time it takes to have one drink and wish Phil all the best, trying to look like I mean it. But then again, when does anything in my life ever go according to plan? I also wonder whether or not I should go home and change first. Would that look like I was making too much of an effort?

In the end I head straight to the pub, I want to get this over and done with a quickly as possible so I can begin to attempt to carve some sort of life for myself without him. I never thought I would need someone in my life the way I need Phil Hunter. It's insane and I need to get over this but I can't.

I recognise a look of surprise on Phil's face as I step over the threshold and into the warm pub, as quickly as the expression passes over his face it is gone. I smile tentatively at him, wishing for the first of many times that I hadn't come. But could I really live with myself if I had just let him slip from my grasp one last time. Taking a deep breath, and a long swallow from the glass of wine I have just been handed, I head towards him. Proffering a small box wrapped in dark blue paper from my pocket, I stop in front of him. A waft of his cologne washes over me and a million memories come with it.

"Thanks," He smiles and my heart beats at twice the speed. I take another sip of wine to steady it back to normal.

"I hope you like it," I say nervously, watching as he unwrapped the small present. "If you don't I can…"

He stops me mid sentence. "Sam, I'll love it, okay?"

I nod, a blush creeping to my cheeks. He's the only man who can affect me this way. He finally pushed the paper aside and opens the small box aside, revealing the cufflinks engraved with his initials. He grins and pulls me into an unexpected hug. Guiltily I relish the opportunity to be in his arms again.

"Thanks Sam." He says, releasing me from his embrace.

"It's okay." I reply quietly. People everywhere are trying to grab his attention; he looks apologetically at me and disappears into the crowd. I'm left alone. It is probably a feeling I should get used to.

After a while I put my empty glass down on the bar and I search the crowded pub for Phil. I feel like its time to go and I know I have to go and say goodbye. I've never been good with goodbyes but I have to do this. I have to tell him how I feel because tomorrow it will be too late.

"Phil, I need to go now." I say, finally catching him almost alone. I lean up and press a gentle kiss to his cheek. "Good luck with…well, everything." I finish lamely, this really isn't going the way I planned it all in my head.

"Do you have to go?" He asks. I nod, words failing me. "I'll walk you out then."

I lead the way out of the pub, my heels clicked against the cold concrete outside. It may only be mid October but winter is coming fast.

"I guess this is it." Phil says, breaking the silence, the ghost of smile playing across his handsome face. I wonder if he can see the tears in my eyes. Though Phil probably knows me well enough to know what I'm feeling. Or maybe not.

"I guess so." I say softly, before impulse takes over me and I lean up, brushing my lips against his; catching them between mine. He kisses me back, but it's brief and not fuelled with the usual passion we feel for each other. Or should I say, felt for each other?

"Sam, I'm sorry." He says breaking away. "I…we can't do this. I'm sorry. I've met someone else."

I stare at him in disbelief. I guess I was wrong to think he'd wait forever. After the way I've treated him and pushed his affections aside I should have known better.

"Oh." I say, forcing something resembling a smile onto my face. "Well, congratulations."

I turn to walk away but he pulls me back by the arm. "I'm getting married, Sam." He smiled, the old Phil Hunter is standing before me. "I know, me, getting married again. Who would have thought it?" He pauses again. "Sam," This is clearly as painful for him as it is for me, well almost. "It doesn't mean that I don't love you. I just don't want to be in a relationship with you. I trust you with everything and care about you so much but I'm not in love with you."

Tears are falling from my eyes now and it doesn't occur to me to stop them.

"Do you love her?" I ask.

"Sara? Yes, yes I do." Phil replies and somehow, despite my tears, I smile.

"Well then I'm happy for you."

He smiles, a proper smile this time and pulls me into a tight embrace. Holding me close and stroking my hair. I lean against him, enjoying the warmth of his body against mine. I am the first to break away though.

"Goodbye Phil." I say softly.

"Goodbye Sam." Although I am walking away I know he is watching me as I disappear into the darkness. Somehow I know have the strength to move on now.