Repairing the Ruins – Chapter 1
There are no words left.
I am lost as ever as I sit in the car, barely allowing myself to register the bumps in the road. I am numb, mind, body and soul.
What have I done?
Ms. O'Brien has taken to staring out the window, silent as I. If I didn't know any better, I would think I had seen a break in her characteristically harsh countenance. I take a brief moment to steal a glimpse and do indeed see the slightest trace of a glistening line upon her cheek. I don't dare speak a word of it, as I cannot stop my own tears from flowing freely. It is not like me to yield in such a way, especially in such company, but it is not every day that I condemn a man to execution either.
In this brief moment, we exist together, a frightful pair connected in grief and shame.
I rally to compose myself as the car rumbles into town. We'll soon be up the drive, crossing the line into a world without Mr. Bates. I will be the one looked upon to recount the happenings of the day. Lord, give me the strength to deliver the news.
The car's engine stills and, as if he sensed the outcome all along, Mr. Carson, rather than the chauffeur, opens my door. I cannot look him in the eye, as it all becomes excruciatingly real. He supports me as I exit the car, and without cause for explanation, he does not leave my side, accompanying me all the way down to my sitting room.
He gently lowers me on to the settee and crosses to close the door. He does not press for anything, rather sits beside me, strong and steadfast as I've ever seen him.
The tears come. As hard as I try, I cannot stop them. By reflex, I bring my hands to my face and bend at the waist, attempting to cover such physical evidence of my disgrace. He says nothing but gently places a hand at my back. He offers me a handkerchief which I cannot bring myself to accept.
"Mrs. Hughes. I cannot begin to imagine what has occurred today, but I know that you must have only acted in a lawful fashion. Honor only lies in truth."
That may be so, but in actuality, I cannot even remember what happened in that blasted courtroom. I approached the stand, ready to firmly speak to the utmost respectable character of Mr. Bates; before I knew it, the prosecution had led me down a line of questioning which left me feeling the flames of hell upon my feet. I was confused, hurt, bewildered, and most of all disappointed. In myself.
What must Anna think of me?
My heart is shattered for my dear girl. I've never known a kinder soul, and now I've done nothing short of put the light out in her eyes. I feel a monster. A horrid, dreadful monster for taking the only love she has ever known out of her life and sending him off into the unknown.
Charles mutters something about tea and rises to leave. As he reaches the door, I manage a shaky, "Mr. Carson?"
He turns and regards me with a mixture of sympathy and questioning. I have but one request.
"Could you please fetch Ms. O'Brien? She's had quite a run of it herself today. Not one of us should be alone now."