Author's note: Well hi, I've really never written a fanfic before so sorry if this sucks. I tried. So there's spoilers for Season 3 and its rated T for language. It's also un-betaed so any grammar mistake are mine Sorry, I'm a newb.
Disclaimer: Not mine, blah,blah, etc.
It's 1:00 A.M. Deans sound asleep in the bed next to me. I'm still awake, tired as hell, but my freakish brain of mine won't let me sleep.
Over 100 Tuesdays of watching Dean die. That's nearly a third of the year spent stuck in the same day watching Dean die. Every. Damn. Day. The only thing more horrid was when it was finally Wednesday and Dean once again died, but I couldn't wake up. The next three months were a one way ticket to hell. It wasn't life, it was hunting and the bare essentials. No emotions, no socializing. Exactly the hunter Dad raised us to be. But it wasn't right. I was barely human. That's exactly the life Dean hadn't wanted me to turn to after his death, but I'm not sure I can stop myself. And what was this supposed lesson the Trickster tried to teach me? My weakness is Dean? You have to learn to let go? Why the hell does he care? Why the hell does he freaking care about me enough to try to teach me this BS lesson? Maybe he believes in my supposed 'destiny'. Maybe he knows whatever the hell the yellow-eyed demon did to me and wanted to cover it up by killing everyone my mom ever met. Maybe he knows why Mom's ghost told me she was sorry. Maybe he knows why everyone I love meets an unfortunate demise. Or maybe he was bored and decided to screw around with possible the most already screwed up people on the planet. But I can't help to think that he has his own reasons that I'll probably never know.
It's now 2:00 A.M.. I let out a small groan and Dean rolls over in his bed still fast asleep.
And where was Ruby during the three months of hell I went through? Maybe she thought I would kill her. I killed everything else Supernatural in my path. And that lying little bitch would have deserved it too, if Bela hadn't stolen the colt. "Oh I can help you Sam. I can get Dean out of his deal Sam." Bullshit. If she had a way to get Dean out of hell she would have contacted me in those months. Now I know, the only way Dean's getting out of his deal is if I find a way. I mean when I find a way. I can't lose Dean. I can't lose the one person I have left. First mom, then Jess, next Dad and now Dean. It's like it's an unwritten law of the universe that I can't have a loving family without them dying. I can't go through that pain of watching Dean die again. I can't let myself become that inhuman hunting vengeance machine again.
Great. Now its 3:00 A.M. I'm not getting to sleep tonight. Hell, I'm probably not getting any sleep till Dean is not a damned man. Maybe I should tell Dean about the three months by myself . . . Though he doesn't need another thing to worry about this year. It's for his own good, ignorance is bliss. Rack up another thing to keep Dean in the dark about. So that's how many now? Being fed demon blood, the new demon leader, what it felt like shooting Jake, shooting the Cross Road bitch with the colt . . . but then again some of those things, he found out about. All this year has done is drive us apart. I slowly got out of bed careful to not make much noise. I gazed down at the covers on my bed. It looked like I fought the bed and lost. Oh well, I'll try to sleep tomorrow, right now all I want is some coffee, my laptop and some damn answers.
If Hell really is about losing your humanity, Dean bought us both a one way ticket.
End.