Fire, that's the last thing I remember,
The swirl of cold flames encircling my body
How often I dreamt and relived my past.
The terrible screams, the bleeding faith.
How often I felt my soul tear apart from my body,
Wrenching itself Deeper and deeper into the depths of despair.
Tearing itself into bits of lost tortured ambivalence,
All of it… written into my body and being,
All of it for you and your torturous being.
I remember, and I fall, the pain seeps into my heart causing it to bleed.
You promised me love and protection.
A life of longing and no rejection,
With the world at my fingertips.
And you by my side.
It ended though.
All of the Dreams,
All of the hopes,
Gone.
I had wanted to go on.
To live once again.
For I was stronger than you,
I was going to live again,
And I did.
But it still hurts.
I still scream sometimes,
I still call to you and tell you I love you.
But it's just a dream…
I know it is.
Because when I wake up...
I'm alone.
I can smile again. I laugh and dance again.
But it is all a façade.
I protect myself from the one thing I fear.
When I enter our apartment I grasp the handle.
I wait for a second just to feel for the warmth of the handle.
To see if you have come home.
Each time I am met with the ice cold of the bronze knob
Releasing its sadness into me.
I know were both to blame.
I know it's not your fault.
But sometimes I think it is me.
I'm wrong. I wasn't good enough.
It hurts.
Chinko misses you.
He cries for you to feed him when I leave.
The neighbors say so.
I woke up yesterday to see him sleeping.
The sunlight glows on his fur like a cloak.
It hides his pain.
I hope it hides mine just as well.
I wished for a moment that you would see him.
That you would grasp his fur and listen to him for a moment.
If not forever.
I'm closing my eyes now.
I haven't been doing well lately.
It seems like every time I take a step my breaths come in shorter gasps.
The paramedics are taking me now.
They tell me I have a chance.
I can live again.
But I pause
Is life really so sweet as to carry its own presents without you?
I opt to sleep.
For days on end they say.
I reply so?
"You won't laugh again" they say,
I reply "So?"
I won't see you. They say.
I stop.
I think for a moment and then look to see if there is such a thing as a smile.
Just a little longer. I vow.
Just to hold onto the words.
Just to wait for you.
Maybe you'll come back… Just maybe…