Disclaimer: I don't own SPN.
…It's either this or homework, okay?
"What's your colour, Dean?"
"Green," Dean answers after a moment. He's slightly apprehensive; of all the times he and Cas have done this since their mutual arrangement started after saving Sam from the British Men of Letters (they're still a bunch of self-righteous assholes, no matter what Mary and now Sam think), Cas has never actually taken it this far. It's mostly been frantic fucking as they desperately try to find something in each other that they're both missing, with the occasional lazy round in the morning when Dean's sleepy enough to be able to brush off the ridiculous thought that Cas is trying to – heaven forbid – make love to him. Sure, Dean's been hopelessly in love with the dorky guy from the moment he'd walked into that lake when possessed by the Leviathans, but there's no way Cas can actually love him back. Why would he? The guy can do way better than a broken hunter who's the reason for him being stuck in the mud with the rest of them, away from his siblings.
So when he and Cas had just fallen into bed together after saving Sam – originally just to sleep, but then Dean had woken up to a boner rubbing against his thigh and, well, things had progressed from there – it had seemed natural to just continue their arrangement, especially after Cas had nearly died from the battle against Ramiel (Dean hadn't let go of him all night, not even to clean up after he'd rocked desperately into Cas and practically sucked the air from his lungs, trying to reassure himself that the angel was alive).
No words have actually been exchanged about it, but Dean's terrified that if he does speak up, Cas will end their arrangement…and maybe even find someone else. And Jesus, as selfish as it is, Dean can't stand the thought of someone else getting to have Cas in this way; thinking of anyone else, man or woman or whoever else, kissing Cas and running their hands all over him and touching him so intimately, leaves an ugly pit in Dean's stomach and a storm cloud over his head. Cas has already had his first kiss and his first fuck – neither of them with Dean – and now that Dean's had a taste of this, there's no way in hell he's giving it up. So what if he never gets to just kiss Cas whenever he wants and stake his claim on the angel publicly? If Cas is willing to at least give him this, Dean's not going to complain one bit.
"Dean?"
Dean's literally shaken out of his thoughts, and his stomach twists at the look of utter concern on Cas' face. Christ, he's not nearly worthy enough of that look. If Cas can just get on with fucking him so that Dean can lose himself in the illusion that someone actually loves him – Sam doesn't count, nor does Dean want him to count in this way – then that would be fantastic.
"'M fine," Dean mumbles. "Just got lost in my head. Y'know how it gets."
Cas' face softens. Then he leans down and kisses Dean sweetly, and Dean closes his eyes and fervently reciprocates as he imagines that this is something more than an introduction to their latest night of sex. They're already shirtless and pantless and he's nearly vibrating in anticipation of when their boxers come off.
"We don't have to do this if you're not in the right headspace," Cas says. "I can untie your hands and we can do something else. We don't even have to have sex."
"No…no." Dean shakes his head. "'M good. Need you, Cas."
He tugs against Cas' blue tie, which is keeping his wrists bound to the headboard of the bed, to try and galvanise Cas into action. Cas just continues to examine him.
"I'll go slow," the angel decides. "You need affection tonight."
"Don't go slow on my account," Dean says, looking away uncomfortably. "If you wanna fuck me, fuck me."
Cas reaches out to grasp Dean's chin and tilts his head back so that Dean has to look at Cas. He's surprised to see a stern admonition in Cas' bright blue eyes.
"I'm not going to use you like a plaything," Cas says in a lecturing tone. "I meant every word I said after being stabbed by the Lance of Michael."
Dean nearly winces at the reminder of Cas lying there, dying and trying desperately to tell Dean and Sam and Mary that he loves them. While he's gobsmacked that Cas loves them, there's a small, dark part of him that resents the fact that Cas hadn't said it to just him.
"Yeah, you love us. But you don't need to coddle me. You need to get yourself off, do it."
"I…was talking to you," Cas says with a frown. "I only added an expression of love towards Sam and Mary so as to not exclude them. But my first statement was very much directed at you."
Dean's whole world freezes. Fuck. Fuck. Cas had been talking to him. Just him. This changes everything. Has Cas been thinking all this time that they're in an actual relationship, while Dean's been under the impression that they're fuck buddies? Fucking Christ, he's dense as hell.
"Dean," Cas says slowly. "If you have been unaware that my love confession was directed at you…then what exactly is your reason for having sex with me for months? I only said that I loved you because I thought that you loved me and I couldn't bear to die without saying it out loud."
Nausea starts to bubble in Dean's stomach when Cas carefully climbs off him, looking at him with those sad fucking eyes that make him want to tear his hands free and hug the angel and never let him go. Cas then carefully unties his hands but, despite no longer being restrained, he still can't move them. He curses mentally. All he wants to do is wrap Cas up in his arms forever but he's pinned by that bright blue gaze.
"Has our relationship been based purely on lust?" Cas says. "With no other feelings involved?"
"Cas –"
"Because I am completely fine with that, Dean. I'll always give you what you need. I just wish I had known –"
"I thought it was just sex for you!" Dean blurts out. Cas falls silent, his head cocked in that adorably confused way of his that's turned Dean's insides to mush. Paired with his squint, Dean's never stood a chance.
"Dean, I've loved you for years. It was never about the sex. I only enjoy it because it's with you. Even when I had sex for the very first time, there were no feelings involved except lust. I just assumed that we did not share affection outside of the bedroom because you wished to keep our relationship private."
There's a fucking butterfly storm happening inside Dean right now. The knowledge that Cas does love him and has seen him as more than a fuck buddy this whole time is overwhelming, and that's before even factoring in that he'd still be willing to fuck Dean if it means making Dean happy. Dean's totally out of his depth here, unsure of what to do with someone who – who loves him that much.
"I'm a fucking idiot," Dean groans, thumping his head back on the pillow. Cas reaches out like he's going to touch Dean but then pulls back at the last minute. Dean wants to throw something in frustration. This is exactly why he hasn't said anything about their 'arrangement'!
"Dean," Cas chastises. "Don't blame yourself for sleeping with me under the impression that there were no romantic feelings involved. We both clearly consented and neither of us had to trick the other into agreeing. It was simply a misunderstanding about the type of sexual relationship we were having. If you still want to continue having sex with me, I will be more than happy to –"
"I love you too, you fucking sap!" Dean blurts out. Cas is stunned into silence, staring at Dean with an open mouth. "Ever since you walked into that lake! I just – I thought you were the one who just wanted sex!"
"Then why –?"
"Because it meant I got to have you!" Dean's dangerously close to growing a pair of ovaries right now, but he really doesn't have any fucks to give between Cas nearly dying and Mary's betrayal (which he's still not cool with, no matter how much he smiles and says that he accepts that she can do her own thing – making her own choices does not extend to teaming with the guys who tortured Sam). "Alright? You're fucking perfect and I knew there was no way you'd ever love someone like me, so if I only got to fuck you then so what? Least I'd have you in one way."
He turns on his side, his arms crossed, so that he doesn't have to see the inevitable bottomless sea of emotions in Cas' eyes.
"Dean. Look at me."
Just like that, Dean's powerless to resist. He reluctantly turns over onto his back again, only to have Cas straddle him and lean down to brush their lips together. Dean whimpers, because it's not nearly enough – it's never fucking enough, not unless Cas can literally climb inside him, because that's how damn needy he is – and he reaches up to tangle his fingers in Cas' hair and pull him in for a deeper kiss. Every sense is so heightened, and it's all so much more amazing because this is the first kiss Cas has given Dean where it's not just to lead to sex.
"How could I not love you?" Cas murmurs against Dean's lips. "You're so brave and selfless. You helped me see that I did not have to be a hammer. You showed me the value of free will. You've always helped me, even if we were on less than friendly terms at the time. You've done so much for me, Dean, so how could I not fall in love with you?"
Dean struggles furiously to keep his sob down, but a choked sound still escapes him as he wraps his arms around Cas and squeezes as tight as he can. Cas buries his nose in the crook of Dean's neck and his warm breath against Dean's skin sends shivers up the man's spine. It feels like an eternity later – but is probably only a few minutes – before Cas wriggles out of Dean's arms.
"I want to try something, Dean. Something that doesn't involve sex. Will you allow me to bind you again?"
He holds out the blue tie. Dean swallows nervously but there's no question of what his answer's going to be. He trusts Cas with his very soul.
"Go for it, Cas," he says hoarsely, raising his arms above his head. Cas re-binds him, murmuring assurances and sweet words of praise, and Dean's eyes are stinging by the time Cas gently ties the last knot. Cas smiles at him and bends down to kiss him.
"Colour?" Cas asks softly. Dean swallows again.
"Green."
"Good."
Cas kisses him again, his tongue swiping across the seam of Dean's mouth, and Dean parts his lips to let Cas in. He's let Cas in through every defence he's erected against this very thing…yet he's okay with that. He's terrified as hell about what this means but if anyone was going to breach his walls, it would be Cas. Not even Sam's managed to get through his barrier to this extent, because Sam's the baby brother and Dean will be damned if he lets Sam see that he's not the strong, protective older brother (though with what the two of them have been through over the past twelve years, Dean wouldn't be surprised if that image is already gone).
"Cas." His voice cracks against Cas' lips and Cas just shushes him quietly, then pulls back. Dean can't help but make a small noise of complaint at losing this warmth, especially when Cas just sits on his haunches and drinks in the sight of Dean like the man's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. Dean squirms uncomfortably under Cas' intense gaze.
"You are so beautiful," Cas says in a hushed voice. Dean whines in complaint. "Don't complain, Dean. You think so little of yourself, but you're worth so much."
He reaches out and caresses Dean's cheek. Dean's eyes flutter shut as his whole body leans into the touch.
"My beautiful Righteous Man. You've given me so much."
"Have not," Dean mumbles, opening his eyes but not meeting Cas' gaze. "Corrupted you. Made you fall from Heaven. Your life's been shit since the Apocalypse."
Cas is still caressing his face and Dean shivers when the angel's thumb brushes strands of hair out of his eyes.
"My life has been difficult since I chose you, yes," he says. "But look at what I get to have now. You're my reward, Dean. You're my reward for struggling and suffering to earn my free will, and I use that free will to choose you. Don't ever think that I would change anything if it meant that I didn't get to fall in love with you."
Dean's shoulders are shaking with the effort to contain his sobs, but he can't help the tears that run down his face. He groans and rips his face away from Cas' hand to try and bury it in the pillow, shame coursing through him at what a fucking cry baby he's being. God, if only John could see him now.
His stomach jolts when Cas once again guides his face back up.
"Stop trying to hide, Dean. I rebuilt you from your very atoms. I cradled your soul as I lifted you from perdition. You think that you are worth nothing but Dean, you are worth so much. You save countless numbers of people. You saved the whole planet with your infuriatingly endearing tendency to not do as you are told. And even if you were not a hero, you would still mean the universe to me."
"Cas," Dean croaks, because that seems to be the only word he knows how to say at the moment. Cas cups his face with both hands, and he wants to deny that he likes this and curl up into a ball, but he's ashamed to admit that he's soaking in every word of praise that Cas gives him, nearly drowning in it all but never wanting it to stop.
"You never have to hide your emotions around me, Dean. If you want to cry, then cry. I will never judge you."
Dean shakes his head. He's not going to let go that easily. Cas seems to detect this, because he bends down and attaches his lips to Dean's throat, sucking and nipping hard enough to leave a certain mark.
"I'm going to love you and your body and there's not a thing you can do to stop me," Cas says firmly against Dean's skin. "If it truly becomes too much for you then please use your safe word. But I'm going to shower you with love until you believe that you deserve it."
As Cas covers every inch of his torso in kisses and blossoming bruises and works his nipples into stiff peaks using just teeth and tongue, Dean drifts off into a haze. But it's not to escape. He's just so overwhelmed with sensation and Cas loves him and it's all too much…but Jesus, he doesn't want it to ever end. Shame and self-loathing are curling in his gut at how much he loves being showered with attention.
"I love you, Dean." Cas reaches out and gently wipes away the tear streaks on Dean's face. "You've given me such a gift by letting yourself go with me. I know how difficult it is for you to allow yourself to be vulnerable. I promise that I will never deliberately betray your trust again. I won't ever hurt you again if I can help it."
He shuffles over Dean's body to untie his hands again. As soon as Dean's free, he grabs Cas and crushes the angel to his body in a vice-like hug. He's such a mess right now, with emotions running haywire in his body and the need to be loved and valued as just him causing his chest to ache.
"Don't leave me again," Dean says thickly, his voice muffled by Cas' shoulder. Cas wriggles free, causing Dean to whimper in protest, but only so that he can lie down next to Dean and snuggle into his side, pulling the covers up over their bodies to their chests. Dean snakes his arms around Cas and pins the angel to his side, already determined to never let go. Shame still sits as a stone in his gut at how much of a baby he's being but if he gets to hold Cas like this and love him – actually love him, and have more than their arrangement – then he thinks he can shove it to the back of his mind.
"Never," Cas promises, his voice low as he strokes Dean's chest, his fingers skimming proudly over the red blotches that he left from worshipping Dean's body. "Never again, so long as I can help it."