John looked at the Batarians that were in front of him as he wiped the blood from his face. He looked around the room, but there were only two Batarians with him in the room, and two more outside. He couldn't keep taking more beatings and abuse, since he woke up months ago tied to a bed with no memory and severe headache.
It seems they had hit him very hard on the head, because the headaches didn't stop let alone when they were hitting him all the time. He didn't know, or understand why so much hatred toward him, or why they had locked, and torturing him that way. He had to make an attempt to escape. He rather dies than continue to endure the abuse of them.
John saw that they were distracted for a moment, and take the opportunity to stand behind, grabbing one by the throat and take his gun, the other immediately attempt to reach his gun, but John without knowing whether he had knowledge or no, pulled the trigger and shot him in the head, then he twisted the neck of the other Batarian.
John heard footsteps, and looked at one of the Batarian running towards him; he just shot him and saw the Batarian fall in the floor. He doesn't want to do it, he didn't want to kill anyone, but it was that or stay and that base, for them to continue torturing him. John thought fast, he had to find the exit.
He heard steps again, and this time before he can shoot at the Batarian group who were running towards him, one of them shot him wounding him in the side. John ran to one of the rooms. Behind the door he began to hear voices, and shooting. Now he didn't understand what was going on.
John stayed behind the door for a moment, listening to the commotion outside the room, breathing heavily. He started to listen to different voices, one of those voices had a different tone; it was a tone of anguish and despair. He moved away from the door and listen when someone stood in front of it.
John closed his eyes in pain; he takes his hand to his side. He was losing blood faster. He attempts to close the wound with his hands, trying to calm his breathing, then he suddenly heard a noise, and he raised the gun quickly, pointed directly at the door, but he almost couldn't see his sight was blurred. He was feeling weak from the blood that he was losing.
"There you are? You're okay?"
John recognized the voice as the voice he had just heard screaming in anguish moments ago. "Don't you move, or I'll kill you," John threatened him. He began to see more clearly. Who was standing in the door was a human not a Batarian, for that reason John didn't shoot him immediately.
Kaidan looked at his lover. "Leasing to me, my name is Kaidan Alenko Alliance Navy, and I've been looking for you over three months now."
John hand was shaking he felt very cold. "I don't believe you, since I woke up on this base the only thing I have received is torture. What tells me you are not going do the same?" John said as he continued pointing the gun at him, he wanted to believe that this man was there to rescue him, but he could not think clearly
Kaidan looked at the wound in his side. "You are hurt," Kaidan said moving forward.
"Don't you fucking move," John yells.
"Don't you recognize me John?"
"No... I don't remember anything," John saw the man start walking toward him. "Don't move! I don't want to kill you. I didn't want to kill them either, but I couldn't stand anymore."
"Your name is John Shepard, Commander John Shepard. You were leaving your crew in omega when you were captured by Batarian, and they brought you to this base, since that time we didn't know anything about you. I don't know what the Batarian did to you so that you don't remember anything, but I just want to help. You're losing a lot of blood ... please John I don't want to lose you again let me help you."
Something in his voice made him react, and John lower the gun. The man approached him, and John noticed that his hands were shaking as well as his own. "I'm cold," John said shakily, he was losing the fight with his body
Kaidan grabbed his cheek. "Look at me ... Stay with me, don't fall sleep," Kaidan active his communicator. "Cortez picks us up now."
"Roger that Major."
John was going to say something, but he saw another man enter the door, and say something to Kaidan, then he was pick up, but he felts that he was about to pass out.
"Major, he doesn't look very good," James said.
Kaidan looked at John ... "John ... John ... shit!"
That was the last thing John heard.
Sometime later John was slowly waking up, at first he felt confused, and he didn't know where he was. He moved his hand running into another hand. John opened his eyes wide, and recalled to the man who now had his head lying beside him. Without knowing why he moved his hand and stroked his hair, waking him up.
Kaidan immediately raised his head. "John!"
"I think you said that was my name. Where am I?" John said quietly, he no longer felt afraid.
"We are in your ship in the med bay. How do you feel?"
"Ah," John took his hand to his side. "I hardly feel pain anymore," John then took his hand to his forehead, "why can't I remember anything?"
"I can help with that," Karin said approached the bed, "Commander, while you were in that base somehow you suffered a nasty blow to the head, which it affect the part of the brain that has to do with your memories, besides," she took a deep breath, "you was cruelly tortured, but you are going to be okay."
John started to breathe heaving remembering all they were doing it at him daily. He was beaten, burned, drugged, and abused in all the worst ways.
"John," Kaidan grabbed his hand tightly.
John looked at Kaidan, and somehow he fined calm in his eyes. "Why did you say you don't want to lose me again? What you are to me?"
John saw Kaidan looking at the doctor, and within minutes she leaves them alone. He'd looked at Kaidan got up from the chair and walk around the room a little nervous. Now he was curious about what he had to say. For a moment, there was an awkward silence between them, until Kaidan stood in front of his bed idly, and stared him.
"We are friends."
John looks at him doubtful. "Hmm ..."
"We are coming back to Vancouver. The Alliance wants to know what happened with you in Batarian space, but since you don't remember, Admiral Anderson wants you to stay with me, to protect you."
"Okay then back to the question, who am I to you?" John asked again, realizing that he was evading a precise answer.
"I already answered you."
"I don't have memories but I'm not an idiot answer me," John said firmly. Kaidan looked stressed, tired as if he had not slept in days.
"John I…."
"Answer me!"
"It's complicated!"
John looked around. "Well, I don't think we're going anywhere for now, so I'm all ear," then John saw him smile, and for some reason, he felt good to see him smile.
"I don't know where to start."
"Start from the beginning."
Kaidan sigh and return to the chair. "Commander, it is not good I tell you anything, you'd better remember little by little, the doctor said it's a matter of time."
"You said your name is Kaidan?"
"Yes."
"Okay so... we are lovers, just tell me what are we really?"
"We were a couple, but many things happened between us, two years, Horizon, and finally when things were settling between us you got kidnapped. On Horizon, you asked me to wait after you finish your mission to the Collector, an alien race, with whom you were fighting against, and I did I wait, and then Anderson called me to tell me you had been caught, and I just started looking for you with the help of the Alliance."
"So we're between lovers and not lovers ..."
"Oh God, even without memory, and in that bed you don't stop being pushy" Kaidan could not help laughing.
John also laughed, and then he touches his wound. "Ouch!"
"Are you okay?"
"Yes ..." John grabbed his hand. "Forgive me I didn't want to point that gun at you. I was desperate. They did things to me that I don't want to talk about it, when I could disarm one of them I had to kill them, but not before one hurt me."
"What they did to you John?"
John looked sideways and could not hold the tears. "I say I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay, we talk when you feel ready
Few days later, John was in front of the defense committee. They were asking a lot of questions that he can't answer, for more than he had striven himself to remember these last two days, his mind was blank and he didn't know why. John looked at Kaidan, who was standing next to Anderson requesting help with his look.
"With all due respect, the Commander does not remember anything. This is not good for his recovery," Kaidan told them.
"Major Alenko is right, what's the point in asking questions if he doesn't remember anything," Anderson said baking him up.
"The commander will have to stay in jail to avoid a war against batarians-."
"Not!" Anderson shouted.
"Admiral!"
"Shepard was tortured for months, he doesn't deserve this. Major Alenko can protect him."
John saw the committee look among themselves thinking for a moment, but he was more concentrated in those brown eyes, that he wanted to remember so bad. Kaidan had behaved perfectly him those few days, in spite of keeping his distance from him.
"Okay, but Major keeps him away from the public."
"I will."
Hours later the two entered Kaidan's apartment. John headed to the bedroom there were the pills that the doctor had prescribed him. John took off his shirt and threw it on the bed, then grabbed the bottle of pills when he felt Kaidan's hand on his waist. He took a deep breath, when Kaidan began stroking his back and touching the scars those bastards left on his body.
"What they did to you John? Why you have those scars?"
John lowers his head. "You don't want to know."
Kaidan turns him around to looks at him. "Talk to me."
John took a step back. "I need to take my pills, I have a terrible headache."
"Wait."
John saw him leave the room and he sat on the bed, staring at the floor. He doesn't know how to tells him, that he was abused, an unlimited number of times. He still didn't understand why he did so badly for them to do that to him. Other than that he was tormenting, about no remember. He wanted to remember, and above all, he wants to remember Kaidan.
Kaidan comes back with a glass of water, and he takes his pills. Kaidan sat next to him and grabbed his cheek, forcing his gaze. John didn't want to look at him, he could not remember the relationship that they had he only knew what he had told. Kaidan had told him that he died, and was rebuilt by Cerberus, in spite of all that, he know he has feelings for Kaidan, his heart jumped every time Kaidan, looks at him, but he felt ashamed, confused, overwhelmed. John grabs Kaidan's hand trying to move it way.
"Do not!"
"I want to be alone."
"No, I need you to talk to me. Apart from what we were, and are I've always been your friend."
"What we are? You keep your distance with me. You're hiding something from me?"
"No, I just don't want overwhelm you is all, but John I love you, I always have. Tell me what those bastards did to you."
"You ... you do not want to know ..."
"Oh God, don't tell me they ... they abused you sexually."
"No!
John got up from the bed, moving away from him. "But they touch me badly. What did I do to deserve this?"
"Damn bastards, I'll kill them on by one."
"No," John quickly got back to his side and grabbed his hand. "I don't want to get you in trouble. I think I'm strong, I can forget. What I want to know is why the Batarian hates me; one of them said I ended the lives of many of them."
"Yes you did, but you didn't have another choice."
For a while John hears Kaidan, talk about what happened in Batarian space, when he went to rescue the Doctor. Now John could understand why so much hatred and that the Committee of defense wants him out of the public. He touch his forehead, his head was spinning out control.
"Are you okay?"
"No..."
"Lie down for a while."
"Lay beside me."
"Sure."
John snuggled in Kaidan's arms in silence; it wasn't much what he could be done. He wanted to close his eyes and forget everything he did in that ship, but it was not easy, and then Kaidan was slowly kissing his cheek, and John moved his body closer to Kaidan's maybe that was what he needed.
John looked at him straight in the eye, and for a moment the two did nothing more than to look at each other. "Kiss me," John whispered.
"Are you sure, I don't want to speed things up."
"I am desperate to remember, I need to remind us, it's just a kiss."
Kaidan joined his lips to his, and John was lost at that tender kiss. He couldn't remember, but he felt that the kiss was familiar, and it felt good, then he spent his arms around Kaidan's. His body began to ask for more than a kiss, but he didn't feel ready. When the kiss became more intense John felt he needs to stop.
"No... I can't do this not yet," he was feeling emotionally drained.
"Hey ... it's just a kiss; I don't want more until you're ready."
"Thank Kaidan."
"You want me to talk about us, or how you used to flirt with me all the time, until you take me to bed."
"Yes ... tell me about that."
For a while, John listens to Kaidan talk about them, and he gradually began to feel relaxed in his arms. The warmth of Kaidan's body was what he needed right now, to begin to heal the wounds he had both, inside and out.
"Kaidan stay with me tonight."
"Sure John."
"Help me to remind you."
"I will. Now try to get some sleep, I'll be around."
"Thank you for saving my life."
"You saved mine many times Commander, it was time that I return the favor. I love you ..."
"I know I do ..."
"That's enough for me ..."