Title: Playing Hero For Dummies
Fandom: Pokemon Special
Author: pika09
Theme: How NOT To Be A Hero
Pairing/Characters: Red, Gold, Ruby, Diamond, Black
Rating: K+
Word Count: 844
Disclaimer: Copyright? What's that? I don't own PokeSpe.
Summary: Being a proper hero isn't an easy job, but someone's gotta do it.
Step 1: A hero must have a clear goal that they have to stick by to no matter what happens.
"SILVEEEEEEERRRRR!"
"Quit shouting! You voice is louder than Black's, and that's saying something."
"Whatever. Anyway, let's fight!"
"Again? Need I remind you that you already challenged me 42 times this week, and you lost all of them?"
"Aw, man up. I'm positive I'll beat you this time!"
"…I distinctly recall you saying those exact words in yesterday's battle, and the battle before that, and the battle before that, and the—"
"No! This battle is gonna be THE battle! I just know it!"
"Yeah, and you said those words too, in yesterday's battle, and the day before that, and the—"
"Not funny. C'mon! Let's go already!"
"Why are you so determined to beat me even though it's obvious that you'll lose anyway?"
"Hey! I've won a couple of fights! And I just wanna beat you, that's all!"
"That's all? No wonder you can never win."
"Shut up. Hurry up! Aibo's itchin' for a fight already!"
"...fine. But I'm not taking any rematches 10 minutes later."
Step 2: A hero must never run out of goals to accomplish.
"Hey Senior Red!"
"Hm? What's up, Emerald?"
"What, exactly, were you aiming for when you competed in the Pokemon League?"
"Oh! I wanted to win, of course."
"And you won, didn't you?"
"Yup."
"So, what now? Now that you've been the Pokemon League Champion, what else is there to do?"
"… I don't even know anymore."
"..."
"..."
"So… this is kinda awkward, huh?"
"Yeah..."
"…wanna battle?"
"You're on."
Step 3: A hero must be impervious to any sort of attraction to the opposite sex.
"RUBY! Hey! Yo! Over here! I'm right in front of you! Hey!"
"What is it, Sapphire? I'm busy here."
"Yeah, busy embroidering."
"I'll have you know that embroidery is considered as a very fulfilling pastime by several people."
"Maybe those 'several people' you're talking about are old ladies."
"….what do you want me for, anyway?"
"Remember that incident?"
"What incident?"
"That one when we were 11."
"Meh, doesn't ring a Chingling."
"You know! The one back in Mirage Island! Before the final showdown!"
"Huh?"
"That time when we confessed to each other about our feelings! THAT incident!"
"…I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about."
"Don't you lie to me! You still remember that incident! I know it!"
"Nope. Maybe my memory blocked out some unpleasant events of my past."
"Unpleasant events….. HEY! I know that you know about that incident as well as I do!"
"Which would mean that it's not a whole lot, then."
"Why you-!"
"Ah, do I hear Dad's voice calling me for training sessions? Terribly sorry, Sapph, but I gotta run now. See ya!"
"Training sessions? Your dad and you were never on good terms! And if he did call you, I would have heard it first! Hey! You can't run away from the truth for too long, Ruby! I'll make you admit that that memory's still fresh on your mind! You better watch out!"
Step 4: A hero must only have a limited amount of knowledge.
"Hey, Dia, wake up."
"…oh, huh? Good morning, Pearl."
"It's already evening, you dope!"
"Ouch!"
"And wipe your drool off that book! It's disgusting!"
"Eheheheh... Sorry about that…"
"Why are you even reading it? You know you can't read 3 lines of text without falling asleep."
"I'm reading it to enhance my mind."
"Enhance your mind."
"Uh-huh."
"Dia—no, Diamond, you do realize that reading a coloring book won't help you impress Missy."
"Wh-who said anything about impressing her?"
"I did. And yes, Dia, you are in denial."
"N-no—"
"Geez! If you wanna impress her, just read War and Peace or something!"
"I can't! That's too long!"
"It's her favorite book! That'll get you plus points if you can relate to her about it!"
"But—"
"But nothing! Starting right now, I'm implementing a strict schedule for you to read that book within a week!"
"EEEEEHHHH? That's cruel, Pearl~"
Step 5: A hero must be accepting to his peers.
"Hey y'all! I'm Black, and I'M GONNA WIN THE POKEMON LEAGUE!"
"Haha! We've got a spirited one here! Nice to meet you, Black! I'm Re—"
"Wha-AT? What's with your parents? They named you Black even though you have brown hair! They should've just named you Brown, or something! Wahaha!"
"That's a terrible name, Gold! And you're not one to talk yourself, you have black hair too even though your name's Gold."
"What's with that snark, Mr. I-Wear-An-Old-Man's-Hair-For-A-Hat!"
"My hat's not made out of hair! I made it myself!"
"Yeah, I can spot your fashion sense in there."
"Ignoring that… and you! You look like a delinquent with those sideburns! They're so eighties! Get with the times already!"
"Black...mmm...sounds delicious! Blackberries, Black coffee, black pancakes, black ice cream…"
"Hey, that last two aren't real food!"
"—d, and I'm proud to accept you as a Pokedex Holder! You're gonna have loads of fun with us!"
"Hah… this is gonna be an interesting group…."
So… yeah. This was partly inspired by two PokeSpe comics that I found somewhere that depicted Red as the only normal hero. And thus, this slightly crackish story was born. This was written in all dialogue because I'm too lazy to lapse in prose.
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