Metal Gear Sci Fi: Liberty's Child

by Blackheart ZERO

Basically a rewrite of Metal Gear Solid 2, but with a few key differences. Raiden being a catgirl probably being the most prevalent.

DISCLAIMER/EXPLANATION: Ok, so this thing is a parody of Metal Gear Solid 2. It's pretty much a rewrite, but I did it using original characters. Hey, wait! Don't mash the back button just yet, you're not going to be subjected to self-insertions in here. In fact, I won't even bore you with detailed descriptions, just enough so you can kind of understand where I'm going with this.

Ash is pretty much a regular guy, who shares a name with the hero from Evil Dead. Jack is his mechanic buddy. Burk is basically like Captain Kirk with a healthy dose of Zapp Branigan thrown in. And John Lucas is the Picard to Burk's Kirk. Yeah, those references aren't so subtle. Kat, who's only referred to a few times in this, is Ash's girlfriend who emulated Meryl in the first one (Which I didn't write). Zanaa and Renxus are both Primarians, aliens with fins for their ears and gill slits on their necks. Charles MacGuffin is a thin black guy with a robot arm, and Charlotte is his daughter who was aged rapidly to play Fortune in this. Sinder is Ash's brother. ECA is a ship AI who belittles everyone. And for the Plant Chapter, Myu is a sadistic catgirl, Syrenna is a succubus with a ridiculously tiny role in the real book, and Ember and Jacklyn are the alternate reality versions of Ash and Jack. LE is a robot girl, so she's replacing a very non-human robot with Metal Gear Ray. Piotr is just an old guy. And for the frame story of this, Alice is the Goddess of Chaos, Mariné is her mom, and Claudia is her friend/Angel of Death. If I missed anything…sorry about that.

LAST TIME, ON ALICE'S WACKY ADVENTURES BATTLING SICKNESS…

"Yep, still sick," Alice sniffed. "Well, I guess I could give this game a shot," She put in Metal Gear Solid 2.

-Tanker Chapter-

Ash Snake stood on a bridge, wearing a stealth camo suit. Seeing the oil tanker come up underneath him, he ran and jumped onto the deck of the boat, landing with a thud. "Son of a bitch!" He said to himself, massaging his leg where he fell on it. His camo then flickered into view, so he ducked behind a crate or whatever.

CODEC

Ash: Jackacon, I'm in.

Jackacon: Grats. Ok, then, you know the plan. Find this new, amphibious Metal Gear-

Ash: METAL GEAR!?!?!?!?!?

Jackacon:…You promised me you'd stop that. Anyways, find and take pictures of this Metal Gear, while avoiding detection.

Ash: Gotcha…Hey, aren't Marines supposed to be on guard here?

Jackacon: Yeah…Why?

Ash: Because those guys look pretty Russian for Marines.

The Marine guards are ambushed and killed by Russian soldiers. Arxem, wearing one of those fluffy Russian hats, boards the boat as well. Also, a Cypher takes snapshots of Ash, including a disturbing close-up on his groin.

Jackacon: Well, change of plans. Don't worry though, you can kill these guys if you absolutely have to…I'd advise against it, but you can.

Ash: Right. Ash out.

Ash, after walking around like an idiot in the rain, opened up a valve and entered the interior of the boat. He glanced around, and spotted a picture of a sexy Japanese lady in a black bikini. "Hello, hello," He said, taking out his camera that has "For Photographing Metal Gears ONLY" on it and takes a picture of the picture. "Yeah, that's right, you're my Japanese Kat," He muttered. A guard happened to stroll by, his pants down, and he and Ash shared a "!".

"…I won't tell if you don't," The guard shuffled away.

"Right…" Ash went back into Sneaking Mode. He found himself following a guard, listening to music on some headphones. He took careful aim and fired a tranquilizer dart into the guy. "I wonder what type of music these monsters listen to," He said to himself. He, out of curiosity, removed the headphones and listened.

"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife, from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you!" The upbeat music said.

"What kind of sick freaks…?" Ash asked. He turned his attention back to the mission at hand, when a pair of black IR sensors blocked his path.

Jackacon: Careful, Snake! If you step into those infared beams, the whole boat'll go down!

Ash: Wait, won't that, in the end, help us out?

Jackacon: What are you, suicidal?

Ash: No, I'm not in the mood to sleep with any phishes tonight, but I mean, why couldn't we just build a robot that exists solely to trip IR beams? I mean, yeah, it'd be expensive, we'd have to take up second jobs, but the convenience would far outweigh the risk you and I face everyday.

Jackacon: No, Ash, just, no. Anyways, don't trip the beams…maybe if you had a way to see them…

Ash: No problem, I shoved some cigs up my ass, like last time.

Jackacon: Uh, there wasn't any reason to hide them up there…I wasn't going to search you…

Ash:…Well, this makes a good story, right? I'm heading up, I sense a boss battle approaching.

He went up the stairs to the helm, and saw the boat, DRIVING ITSELF.

Ash: Jack! The ship is haunted!

Jackacon: Don't you have somewhere to be?

Ash, realizing his pleas of haunted boats would be ignored, left the helm and saw a mysterious woman on the front of the boat. "Bah, I don't care what you say, I'm staying here," She said in a thick Russian accent. She had phish-ears.

"Drop the gun!" Ash said, aiming his tranq gun at her.

"Ha. You don't know who you are messing with," She said, turning. A caption appeared, Zanaa Gurlukovich (Zanaa Zhahanakhanque'rrzacek). "I am a member of the Gurlokovich Private Army."

"So? I got enough tranqs to kill an elephant here." Ash aimed his gun.

"Well, I'm pregnant, so I have super-resistance to tranquilizers."

"Dammit!" The Boss Battle began. Zanaa charged around in her little enclosed area, firing her gun, as Ash took a careful approach. Zanaa, however enjoyed talking during the fight.

"I've been with the unit since I was born. Conflict, and victory were my parents!"

"Really? Ash asked.

"Yes. Conflict came home drunk on Thursday afternoon, growled out a "Tonight, you," and they had awkward, violent sex. Victory's next period was late, and she feared to tell him…9 months later, I was born."

"Don't you people soliloquy after I've killed you?" Ash asked, puzzled.

"Normally yes, but you never kill the first boss in the game. I mean, first it was Ocelot, then it's me, then Ocelot again, and hopefully 4 will continue the trend and ARRRRGGH!" She collapsed to the ground, as Ash had shot like, fifty tranq darts in her.

"Man, nothing would shut that bitch up," Ash lit a cigarette. He then got a weird idea, and crawled on top of her as she slept. "If you weren't pregnant before, you are now, bitch!" He said, before realizing, oh, right, the mission. He took her gun, out of ammo, of course, and went down the steps to the inside of the boat again.

In related sneaking-around-tactical-espionage-action antics, Ash made his way to the center of the ship, when he heard an announcer. "We've just past the Verranzo Bridge checkpoint. All non-essential personnel who weren't killed upon the boarding of the terrorists head to the holding deck."

"Damn, the Commandant must be making his speech, already! Must…Sneak…Faster…" Ash said to himself. He slowly moved forward through the boat, as three guards watched him.

"So, do you wanna tell him, or should I?" The guard asked his buddy.

"Shit on a shit sandwich!" Ash shouted, ducking behind a crate. An intense shootout followed, which I'll sum up as zomg laser guns pew pew pew. "Well, there goes my no-kill run," He said to himself, stepping over the corpses of the Russian guards. He entered the holding deck, and one last guard watched him do so. Someone walked up behind this guard, though.

"Oh? Sir, the target just walked into the deck, I was going to eliminate him," the guard said.

"What!? A guard able to say more than "What was that noise?"!? I'll have to kill you for this treachery!" Revolver Lucas shot the man dead. He then grinned and twirled his fake-mustache.

Ash: All right. I'm in.

Jackacon: Right, good work. Ok, now for the refresher: Take pictures of the new Metal Gear's front, front-right, and front-left sides, also a close-up of the Marines logo. Now, the Commandant is going to be giving his speech, which, according to Wikipedia, he has a fetish of being on-topic for exactly seven minutes. You probably have longer, given his penchant for jokes as bad as the colonel's.

Ash: TERRIBLE JOKES GEAR!?!?!?!?!?

Jackacon:…Oh come on! That one didn't even make sense! Anyways, take the pictures, then go to the computer in hold three and press the action button in front of it.

Ash: What the hell's an Action Button? Is it edible?

Jackacon:…You see, this is why Maria Ling wouldn't join Philanthropy. Just take the pictures.

"Well, hey everybody, it's a good crowd, good, good crowd we got here," Marine Commandant Scott MacGuffin said. "So, as you all know, one of the consequences of Shadow Moses was that now every country, insurgent group, and several of the larger fast food chains have their own variation of Metal Gear LEX. The only thing that can destroy a Metal Gear is of course, another Metal Gear…Or, barring that, a single man on foot with a Stinger missile launcher. So, this new model is designed to deal with all of those things and generally be awesome, except when inevitably mass-produced, when all those good parts are taken out due to costs…But this one, this one will be just amazing."

Ash casually walked to the side of the Marines, who were apparently wearing blinders. He stopped behind a mysterious metal object that served only the purpose of infiltrators hiding behind it. Suddenly, though, MacGuffin shouted "ENEMY TO THE LEFT!" And people all looked to the left. Ash felt himself pee a little. "…Should that actually happen, and a former US Agent who singlehandedly stopped the Shadow Moses Incident were to actually be on this boat, I wanted everyone to be ready."

Ash went into the second holding deck, where he could see the Commandant up on the screen. "Now, I have a daughter, and it's likely she won't appear later or be important at all, and I want to make sure she can live in a world where Metal Gears aren't stomping around like they own the place. Also, it's a little odd that I talk of her as if she's very young, when really the bitch is like, thirty." Ash made it through without any real incident, and was in the final deck.

"There we are," He said to himself. In the back of the deck stood Metal Gear LE, which was a giant version of LE. "metal gear…" He said, changing things up a bit. He took out his camera.

"You know how to use that, right?" Frank West appeared suddenly and asked Ash Snake.

"Yeah, it's not that hard…What are you doing here?"

"I'm covering the Metal Gear story…I've covered wars, you know."

"I've fought in wars."

"Touché. I'll be on my way then." Frank left.

"Lousy free press," Ash muttered to himself. He circled the crowd of Marines and took a snapshot. "Niiiice," He said, proud of his close-up on the "Yeah, We, The United States Marines, Built This Metal Gear" logo. He took a picture of LE's right side while he was at it, then he went to the back of the room and took a picture of her front. He whistled as a pink circle appeared over LE's boobs on the photo and he got an Erotica bonus. "And now, for Lasty." He took a picture of her left side, then hauled ass back to the computer at the front of the room. "Ok, now for the…" He saw on the keyboard a key labeled "Action Button." "Oh, here we go." Click.

ECA's avatar appeared on the screen. "All right, Snake, let's take a look at these pictures you took."

A Jackacon avatar appeared as well. "Say the line! The one about the Codec Moment!" ECA bazooka'd him.

"All right, let's get on with this. Ok, first up…Yeah, that's concrete proof of the Marines logo. It would take a veritable Photoshop army to change this one. Front-left is good, front-right's ok, uh…Nice erotica bonus on the front picture. So, not bad. Better get out of there, Trouser Snake." The screen shut off, and Ash suddenly realized the speech was over.

"Dammit! Hopefully a major plot point will prevent them from seeing me." Ash said, when a slow clap answered his question.

"Ah, the silver tongue, the mark of a good officer, and of a liar," Revolver Lucas walked in. A whole bunch of Russkies also came out nowhere, aiming guns everywhere. Arxem grabbed MacGuffin and put a gun to his head.

"Russians! The Marine's arch-nemesis," MacGuffin grunted.

"Yes, Mother Russia will enjoy this new toy," Arxem laughed.

Lucas laughed too. "I'm not doing this for that drunken old whore, Arxem."

"What?" He asked.

"I'm taking this back, TO THE PATRIOTS!" He said.

MacGuffin gasped. "The Loli? Lou, lay low!"

"Traitorous dog!" Arxem threw MacGuffin forward and unloaded his bullets at Lucas, who threw his coat as a shroud and blasted everyone away.

"Well, that was easy." Lucas laughed. He super-jumped up to LE, when his arm went all crazy. "Oh, hell no! Not now!" He struggled against his arm for a while.

"What's all this then?" Ash asked.

"Ah, hello, BROTHER!" A familiar voice came from Lucas's lips.

"SINDER!" Ash shouted.

"Yes, you're looking older, brother, but I live on through this arm!" Said Sinder/Lucas.

"Ouch, dude, age jokes. Not cool. Especially when you're in Russian Stan Lee over there."

"Oh, you did NOT just say that! Come on, let's throw down, right now!"

"What, hand-to-hand?" Ash grinned. "That's right, I went there."

"You wanna do this, little man? Don't mess with the guy with the giant robot!" Sinder/Lucas slid down LE's throat in a vaguely suggestive action.

LE came to life, arcing back and letting out a "WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" The Marines, despite building the Metal Gear and therefore knowing their assault rifles would be useless, opened fire. She ignored these shots and slapped people like nothing. She then stuck her head underwater, took in some o' dat H2O, and fired a super-pressurized beam at the edge of the boat.

"Time for this bird to fly!...I mean, some…Snake pun," Ash said, wading furiously through the water. Numerous holes had appeared in the boat, which was quickly filling with water.

The boat was sinking, and Metal Gear LE poked her head out of the boat. "Hey guys, what's goin' on in dis New York harbor?" She said, before adding, "Oh, right. It's me." She then dove into the water and swam.

"SNAKE!? SNAKE!?" Jackacon said over the radio. "SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKEEEEEEEE!"

In the cockpit of Metal Gear LE, Lucas was finishing an ominous phone call. "Yes, yes, all is going according to plan…MISTER PRESIDENT!"

Save?

Yes

-Plant Chapter-

A figure in black swam underwater. It approached an oil fence and went through a curiously pre-cut hole, as an official sounding man was talking. "Your mission, Snake, is to infiltrate Big Shell and rescue the hostages. Big Shell? What, is there a Small Shell?"

"That joke is terrible, Colonel," The figure said, with a female voice.

"Also, remember your most important hostage…the most important person, to be specific."

"Huh?" She asked.

"President Piotr Johnson," The Colonel said.

"Oh, right, right," She swam up into Big Shell, Strut A, in the little dock area. She surfaced and climbed onto dry land. "This is Snake, I'm inside Big Shell."

"Oh, also, we're changing your codename for the duration of the mission."

"Right, because the terrorist leader is Ash Snake?" She asked.

"Exactly. Your handle is now, Myuden."

"Neat." She looked around the room she was in, as a caption appeared next to her labeled Myuden (Myu Schrödinger). "So, Colonel, anything else?"

Codec

Burk: Yes, actually. We have a new mission analyst.

Myuden: Oh…Ok…

Syrenna: Hey, Myu.

Myuden: Syrenna!? What are you doing here!?

Syrenna: Aw, what's the matter? You break up with me before this began and you didn't tell me?

Burk: Break up? You two are like that?

Myuden: No, she's just…weird. I'm straight, I assure you.

Burk:…Ok, then.

Myuden: Oh, sexuality aside, there's someone else in here.

Burk: What, like, right now?

Myuden: No, somebody got in before me. They cut the hole in the fence and everything. Also, upon a cursory glance, the guard in the next room is unconscious…Would it be wrong if I clam-slammed him right now?

Burk: WHAT!?

Syrenna: (giggles) That's my Myu!

Myuden: You know, the female equivalent to tea-bagging. He's just, lying there, with his mouth open. Asking for it.

Burk:…It's going to be a long mission.

Myuden resisted the urge to tea-bag the guard and clicked the button for the elevator when she got another codec call.

Burk: Ok, now go press the button on that node.

Myuden: (Grinning) Did you say nerd?

Burk:…Christ Myuden, is that what passes for humor to you? Syrenna, how do you deal with this?

Syrenna: Ha ha, it's a real trip. Oh, Myu, do you know what tomorrow is?

Myuden:…The thirtieth?

Syrenna: No, dummy, the significance of the date.

Myuden:…Hitler's birthday?

Syrenna: Ok, I'm not angry now, but you better know it by the end of the mission.

Myuden: Ok…Man, I dodged a bullet there. The hell happened tomorrow?

Syrenna: Codec's still on, Myu.

Myuden: Crap!

Myuden got up and touched the node.

LOADING:………DONE

Name: ALICE

Age: 16

Blood Type: AB

Nationality: AMERICAN

Myuden shook her head. "That was weird. Well, up I go." She took the elevator, and discarded her scuba mask, allowing her pretty face to be seen. She shook her dark hair from her eyes and stroked her cat ears. She was wearing a tight black sneaking suit, which accentuated her boobies. Her tail poked out of a little hole in the back. She was soon on the roof of Strut A, where a gang of seagulls had made it their home/toilet.

Burk: Remember, it's really bright, and due to your black Cat Suit (See what I did there?), you'll be spotted easily by any guards up there.

Myuden: Yeah, I see what you did there. Oh, I have a question…

Burk: QUESTIONS AREN'T PART OF THE MISSION!

Myuden:…K. I'll ask Syrenna then.

Syrenna: What's up, Myu?

Myuden: I need you to tell me all you can find about Ash Snake. I mean, I was so sure he died in that Tanker Chapter two years ago. I remember the Daily Show episode they did about it…

Flashback time! Jon Stewart is sitting at his desk, and to his left is a picture of a sinking tanker with the caption "Tanker Sores". "So, the terrorist appears to be Ash Snake, who did a bunch of classified stuff a few years back. But in the sinking of this, it looks like he died. When asked about what he's going to do, President Sears said," Jon Stewart then does an impression, "We're gonna have to build a shell…A Big one!" He then makes weird facial expressions and the audience applauds.

Myuden: You remember that?

Syrenna: More or less. I'll look into it…Remember what's important about tomorrow yet?

Myuden: Jewish holiday?

Syrenna: I'm not Jewish.

Myuden: Really? I figured, you know, Syrenna, that sounds Jewish, sort of.

Syrenna: I celebrated Christmas with you last year!

Myuden: I thought you were trying to fit in with me, you know? Look, I don't have to defend what I thought as recently as thirty seconds ago. I'm sort of doing something right now.

Myuden goes down the stairs, and narrowly avoids being spotted by a guard. She runs around him, accesses the node, and gets radar. She then heads to the AB connecting bridge. On the bridge, there's like, one guy, but screw him. When she got into Strut B, though…

There were a bunch of corpses everywhere, and blood all over the walls. She peered into the main room, and saw a bunch of SEALs. They were all shooting at this guy they couldn't quite catch, as he jumped around. He landed, a fish-fellow with a trenchcoat, and stabbed a bunch of fools. "Five today," He said, being labeled Renx (Renxus Ark'du-Hurran). He caught sight of Myuden, and added, "Or rather, six?"

"Get down!" She heard someone shout. She ducked as a SEAL survivor blasted away with an M4. Renx continued to jump around, injuring this guy. The SEAL slid his gun over to Myuden, who blasted Renx until he gave up and left. This new fellow had dark brown hair, a bit of stubble, and large headphones on. "Thanks, kid." He said, with a familiar gruff voice.

"Who are you?" Myuden asked, not letting her guard down.

"Me? I'm a SEAL. Lieutenant Junior Grade, Ashford Samuel Nake, or Ash S. Nake for short." He was thusly labeled Clearly Ash Snake (Ash Williams).

"Right, I'm Myuden." She said.

"Interesting handle. And that suit, you're part of FOXHOUND?" Nake asked her.

"Yeah…" She wondered why he regarded her with such curiosity. Also, he looked familiar. "Who was that guy?"

"Renx. Part of the Dead Cell unit."

"The one being led by Ash Snake?"

"That man's not Ash Snake. He died, two years ago. Positively ID'd his body and everything. Dead Cell is a 'fake' terrorist group, designed to help training the armed forces to react to unplanned terrorist attacks. Of course, when the original leader died, they went crazy. Renx is a Romanian knife master, who's probably some sort of vampire. Also, he's like, bisexual or something."

Syrenna: Sound like someone you know, Myu?

"Nanomachines, huh?" Nake asked her.

"Oh, crap, did you hear that?" Myuden blushed.

"No, but you're wired with them." He said as his radio went off.

"Help bitches! We're on the BC bridge, and, what's that melancholic jazz music playing? OH COME ON, SHE'S GOT A RAIL GUN!"

"Aren't you going to answer that?" She asked. He ignored her, instead handing her a SOCOM. "Uh, thanks, but I'd prefer your assault rifle."

"Too bad, I need it. Besides, you're going to get two later on. Oh, take these cigarettes too." He handed her a carton. "Be careful, though, I hid them up my ass. You should check out the commotion on the bridge, that's where the president is supposed to be anyhow."

"Right." She left the room, and called up the Colonel.

Myuden: Well, Colonel? What do you think about Nake?

Burk: Don't you think he looks a little, familiar?

Myuden?

Burk: Like, maybe, someone you'd try to hunt down, try to torture him to death, only to end up joining him slightly later?

Myuden:…Not…really…

Burk: Anyways, I wouldn't worry about him. He's not part of the mission.

Myuden: Hey, he gave me his radio frequency along with the gun.

Syrenna: Should I be jealous?

Myuden: I should probably call him up.

-Beedly beep, beedly beep-

Nake: What is it? Oh, you've found my frequency, I see.

Myuden: Yeah…you trying to hit on me or something?

Nake:…Are you interested? I mean, I gave you that in case you had any questions about Dead Cell.

Myuden: Uh…Not really…Wait, I mean, yes, please, all of them.

Nake: I figured. Ok, I already went over Renx's deal, and I hope you paid attention because I'm not going over it again.

Myuden: He was the homo, right?

Nake:…Yeah. Next up, there's Fat Dude, an overweight bomb expert. He's very proud of his fingers. Then, there's Helena MacGuffin Jackson, also known as Fortune, daughter of former Marine Commandant Scott MacGuffin and wife of previous Dead Cell member now dead guy, Michael Jackson…Not the famous one.

Myuden: Didn't think so.

Nake: Fun fact: Renx was gay for her dad. Anyways, she can deflect bullets with voodoo powers. And last there's Snake.

Myuden: All right, thanks Nake.

Nake: GODDAMMIT I'M NOT SNAKE!

Myuden: I didn't say that…Maybe you misheard me?

Nake: MISHEARD GEAR!?!?!?!?!?

Myuden:…Well, I should get going. The President and all.

Nake: Yeah, of course…I'm totally not Ash Snake.

Myuden: I heard you the first time.

Myuden looked around at the BC bridge. A group of SEALs were all aiming weapons. She saw their target, a woman in a black swimsuit. A melancholic jazz tune played. "Come, put me out of my misery," She said, being labeled Fortune (Charlotte MacGuffin). "However, despite my plea for death, I will still kill you all." She fired her rail gun.

"OH SHIT!" A SEAL was hit by the rail and flew off into the water. They all opened fire, but the bullets swerved improbably around her and hit the wall.

"Grenade!" A guy tossed a grenade, which failed to explode. "It's a dud?"

"Enough of this." She fired her rail gun again, killing all the SEALS. Renx appeared behind her in the shadows, holding the unconscious president over his shoulder.

"…How the hell did he get there?" Myuden asked.

"No!" Fortune suddenly cried out. A few seagulls had died in her shoosting. "I killed innocent birds! Only a monster would do such a thing!"

Myuden stopped mid-bite, about to chomp into a seagull she caught. She coughed and let it go free.

Syrenna: What, were you going to leave it on my doorstep again?

Myuden: Hey, that was a gift, all right? Sorry I should've gotten you something else!

Burk: (His little picture is panting) Oh, yes. You two are gonna make out, aw yeah.

Myuden: Oh my God! I'm not calling you guys ever again!

As she unfroze time with the Codec, she noticed everyone else was gone. "Better get going." She hurried along the destroyed bridge into Strut C…which was fairly empty. "Better call Nake…" She decided.

Nake: Zzzzzzzzz…

Myuden: He's sleeping?

She shrugged off this development and entered the kitchen. She pointed her gun at the only man in the room. "All right, buddy, who're you?"

"Whassa matta? Black man can't sit quietly in the kitchen?" He asked. He turned around, and was MacGuffin wearing old man make-up. He was then labeled, Charles Stillman, (Charles MacGuffin).

"Relax kid, he's on our side," Nake told her. She did a double-take.

"How in the crap did you get here? I called you literally five seconds ago!"

"Yeah, and I was here when you called."

"But…You left Strut B after I did…And you were injured…" She tried to make sense of this. Hoo boy, I hope she doesn't try to keep this up when things really get crazy.

"Look, we need to get on with this. Fat Dude put bombs everywhere," Nake said. "This is-"

"Charles Stillman, former bomb-disposal expert of the NYPD. I'm also the man who taught Fat Dude everything he knows."

"Uh, hi. I'm Myuden."

"Strange name."

"Codename, dumbass."

"Don't harass the bomb expert, kid," Nake said.

"Thank you. Anyways, Fat Dude has put bombs on all of the Struts, and they carry the scent of his cologne. I need you all to find these bombs for me, and freeze them."

"Freeze?" Myuden asked.

"Freezing the bomb will temporarily disarm them. Here, take this Magical Febreze. It'll freeze the bomb, and temporarily disarm them." Department of Redundancy Department alert! I hear things approaching and shoot them like that.

"Why'd you talk so redundantly? A bomb blow out the part of your brain that thinks normally or something?" She laughed.

"Actually, I lost my leg in a bomb explosion, thanks for reminding me." Stillman said as he limped over to the pantry. Her smile faded. "Here's a sensor, and card keys. Nake, you have Shell 2, and Myuden, you've got Shell 1. I'll hide in here, and help you out if you need it. Later." He ducked inside the pantry.

"Right then. Well, I'm off too. Semper fi." Nake walked off.

"That guy's no SEAL," Stillman said.

"Huh?" The perpetually clueless Myuden asked.

"Semper fi is a Marine saying. Also, those headphones aren't SEAL either. They're civilian models, to listen to music with."

Nake ducked behind guards as he listened to music and sang along. "If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife, from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you."

"Uh-huh…Well, I should get going too." Myuden left the kitchen area.

Burk: No help from him, what a shock.

Myuden: Uh? He gave me all the stuff and info I needed…

Burk: Yeah, then he hides in a closet.

Myuden: I don't know if you saw him limping, but he can't exactly move fast.

Burk: Yeah, but he's an expert at this kind of thing. I'm just saying…

Myuden: So, is this what they meant when they said you were racist, Colonel?

Burk: I'm not racist! I have lots of black friends!

Myuden: Like who?

Burk:…Danny Glover.

Myuden: No, he isn't.

Burk: What if he is? The next time he's over, I'll invite you. Then you'll see my best friend Danny Glover.

"Well, bomb defusing is all well and good, but I first have to use the Little Spy's Room," Myuden said to herself. She went to the Women's Restroom, peed (because of Hideo Kojima's urine fetish), and as she washed her hands, she noticed a bomb in the corner of the ceiling. "Oh, nice." She sprayed coolant on it, freezing the bomb.

Myuden: I got a bomb, Stillman. It was on the ceiling of the women's room.

Stillman:…Huh.

Myuden: Something wrong?

Stillman: I need more information. Be sure to tell me of the locations of all the other bombs.

Myuden: Will do.

She went onto the CD connecting bridge, where nothing of importance happened. In Strut D, she faced what would likely be her greatest foe ever:….A GUARD WHO MAKES REGULAR REPORTS!

Myuden: Jesus, Nake, this guard makes regular reports! What should I do!?

Stillman: Uh, this is Stillman. You forgot to change the number.

Myuden: Oh, sorry.

-Beedly beep, beedly beep-

Nake: Dammit, kid, I'm in the middle of something!

Myuden: Everyone's against me…

-Beedly beep, beedly beep-

Burk: Regular reports, eh? You can't kill him or knock him out, the lack of the report will cause the guard station to get suspicious.

Myuden: So, wait, all that guy does is walk around, call in, and say nothing's wrong?

Burk: Pretty much.

Myuden: Man, that guy's life sucks.

Faced with this challenge, Myuden simply avoided being spotted…That's pretty anti-climactic. She froze a bomb, hidden behind a little floor door thing. She thought about calling Stillman, but didn't want to seem needy, so she moved on to Strut E. This particular Strut was all about package delivery. Several disgruntled postmen were standing guard. She couldn't find any cologne on the radar, but she did notice stairs leading to the roof. And, up she went. Man, this play-by-play commentary is boring. Maybe something important will happen soon.

Oh, here we go. As Myuden went outside, there was a cutscene why not. Zanaa was dressed in more army-y clothes and talking on a walkie-talkie. "Yes, there are some pretty weird goings-on in this Big Shell."

"What do you mean?" Came the voice on the other end.

"Well, mostly the man dressed as a ninja and the person who hides under a cardboard box. Also, there's a catgirl who's being very rude and eavesdropping on my call."

"Freeze, you!" Myuden pointed her gun at the fishwoman.

"Ha. Not a chance," She backflipped off the building. Myuden rushed over, but couldn't see her anymore.

Myuden: Hey, Nake. I just saw a Russian woman with fish ears.

Nake: Must be Zanaa Gurlukovich. The army here is the Gurlukovich Private Army. They're part of Dead Cell now.

Myuden: How do you know all that?

Nake: I am a Marine…Or, SEAL, or whatever the shit I told you I was earlier. I was briefed beforehand. Watch yourself with her, she's one tough cookie. I'd like to wait four years and have a party with her, though.

Myuden: That doesn't make sense.

"Well, I should probably find this bomb," She decided, going up the steps. She saw a Harrier jet, which, unfortunately was NOT a Space Harrier, and crawled under it, just for fun. Just her luck, there was a bomb under there! "Well, that was lucky." A few quick spurts of Magical Febreze had frozen the C4 solid, so she called Stillman.

Myuden: 3 down, 3 to go.

Stillman: Good work.

Myuden: This recent one was on the roof of Strut E.

Stillman: This is all wrong…

Myuden:…No, I'm pretty sure it was a bomb…

Stillman: No, I meant, only an amateur would put bombs in locations like these ones. Nake just froze one next to a big sign that read "The bomb is here, defuse it please."

Myuden: Huh. Maybe all that terrorism rotted his brain?

Stillman: It's possible, but at the same time impossibly unlikely.

Myuden: Then why'd you say it was possible?

Stillman: Maybe I want to wait four years and have a party with you…

Myuden: Did I miss this saying or something?

She went back down into Strut E and, once again deftly avoiding disgruntled postmen, made it to the EF bridge. She got a codec call, but it wasn't a number she recognized…

Myuden: Hello? Is this a prank call?

???: No, no, I'm here to help. Call me, Tallywhacker Jones.

Myuden: Wait, you mean the ninja from Shadow Moses?

Tallywhacker Jones: On second thought, call me Mr. XXX. Ha, Mr., that's good, she'll never suspect I'm Za…

Myuden: Za what?

Mr. XXX: Uh, Za Warudo. You know, Jojo's Bizarre Adventure? WRYYYYYY?

Myuden: Who are you?

Mr. XXX: Let's just say I'm one of your fans. I draw fanart of you regularly, including this recent little ditty I'm pretty proud of. It's you and Syrenna, both in maid outfits, and you look like you're about to make out. Also, your ass is up in the air, so your dress is going up a bit and the viewer can see your panties.

Myuden:…So, why did you call me again?

Mr. XXX: There are mines here. So, use the mine detector.

Myuden: I don't have one.

Mr. XXX: Oh…Huh…I guess you did the Struts in the wrong order then.

Myuden: Maybe I'll just walk carefully.

She gingerly walked along the bridge, to accidentally trip a mine. "FUCK!" She shouted as the blast knocked her down. "Oh, screw this, my friend," She grumbled, pulling herself up. She ran to the end of the bridge, as apparently they only put one mine in the obvious location. Myuden took out a ration and ate it, because nothing helps almost getting your feet blown off quite like crappy Army food. She went into Strut F, which had quite a few guards walking around, and the bomb tucked away in between a bunch of crap. She unloaded tranq rounds into everyone, which is pretty impressive, because I always get spotted on this damn level. It pisses me off. Anyway, she got in there, froze the bomb, then called Stillman.

Myuden: Ok, just two more. What's up over there?

Stillman: Well, I think I've figured this out. These bombs we've been disposing are fake.

Myuden: Huh?

Stillman: Well, not fake, don't go shooting them, but still, not any structural threat.

Nake: Coupled with the fact I found some bigass C4 in Strut H by luck. The sensor didn't work on them.

Stillman: So, I'm going to check it out.

Myuden: Uh, remember? You lost your leg in the explosion?

Stillman: That? Oh, that was a lie so people would pity me instead of hating me for not defusing that bomb. It was the red wire, dammit! It's always the red wire!

Myuden: Oh, thank God. I felt so guilty after I made that bomb exploding crack, but now that it never happened…

Stillman: Well, I'm going to repent for that day right now! Keep defusing the bombs.

Onto Strut A, where all this nonsense began.

And in Strut A, the never before seen Pump Room was available, and she crawled around the floor for a while as she went under pipes to get to the bomb. Yawn, another boring bomb disposal. Maybe B will be interesting…

Nope, not so much. I mean, the blood was still splattered on the walls, which is a testament to the laziness of people working at a clean-up facility. She defused the last bomb, and called Stillman.

Myuden: All right, another bomb bites the dust. What's up with super-bomb?

Stillman: Ok, I need you to get the sensor in Strut C in the pantry. It's like, super important. It won't show you on the radar, but it will bing loudly when you get close to the bomb.

Myuden: Gotcha.

She ran all the way back to Strut C, and, after sitting in a chair and rubbing her tired legs, picked up the Sensor.

Myuden: All right, I've got it.

Stillman: Good, this huge bomb hasn't activated its timer yet.

Nake: Hay guyz whut's goin' on in dis codec call?

Myuden: Nake! What's happening?

Nake: I'm spraying the coolant on the last bomb as we speak.

Myuden: So, your radio doesn't freeze time when you use it?

Stillman: Wait!

Nake: What?

Stillman: The large bomb has activated. All right, Myuden, you need to get to the bottom of Strut A immediately and find and defuse the bomb. You have 400 seconds.

Myuden: Jesus, Stillman, you've really got my lady-balls in a blender here! All right, I'm hauling ass over there right now.

She sighed and started running back to Strut A. She was panicking about running out of time, as she took the elevator down to the water. She got a codec call again, and was thankful time had frozen for this plot development.

Stillman: Well, I'm boned.

Myuden: What?

Stillman: Fat Dude finally surpassed me. He has become, Big Boss.

Nake: Don't call him that, please.

Stillman: The multi-bomb trap, and now, this proximity bomb. If you get too close, it'll explode immediately! I'm going to die, you know.

Nake: Get out of there! You still have time!

EXPLOSION!

Nake: Stillman!? Stillman!? STILLLLLLLMAAAAAAAAAN!?!?!?

Myuden: Crap! I have to get to the bomb!

She jumped off the elevator when it arrived, and her sensor went crazy. She spotted the bomb underneath a sub, whipped out the Magical Febreze, and sprayed. She opened her eyes. Either hell looked like the Big Shell, or she had done it. Considering she had plenty of time to defuse the bomb…probably the second one.

Burk: Well done, Myuden!

Myuden: Oh, so nice of you to be behind me on my deadly mission. Where were you when all this crap was happening?

Burk: I had a phone call…What? It might've been really important!

Myuden: Wait! Stillman's number is still in my Codec Memory! Maybe if I call him, he'll be ok!

-Beedly beep, beedly beep-

NO RESPONSE

Burk: He's dead, Myu. It was a great loss, I hope that this wasn't all an elaborate ploy to now put bombs all over New York with no bomb disposal expert to deal with them.

Myuden: I dunno, I'd be really pissed off if what's happening at the Big Shell is a hyper-complex cover-up. (Burk coughs) What was that?

Burk: Nothing, nothing. Oh, and we've received a transmission.

Myuden: Was das ist?

Burk: Vas…das…ist… (He flips through a German-English dictionary)

Myuden: It means what is that?

Burk: Yeah, stick with English for me.

Myuden (Cockney): Well, 'ello dere Kernel!

Burk: American English. Anyways, Fat Dude wants to see you, and only you, on the roof of Strut E.

Myuden: Ok…

Syrenna: Also, Myu, you haven't saved in a while.

Myuden: Well, I mean, it hasn't come up, and I…

Syrenna: Are you avoiding me?

Myuden: No! What if I saved right now?

Syrenna: That wouldn't be real, though. That'd be you, trying to make me happy…I went into your room the other day.

Myuden: What? Where did this even come from?

Syrenna: That one time, we came home, and I tried to get into your room…you wouldn't let me, I thought you would try to hurt me!

Myuden: What? Colonel, it's not true, I never beat her…

Burk: 'S all right. I beat my wife all the time.

Myuden: What!? NO! I don't!

Syrenna: Well, she doesn't, but that's not the point. The point is, I went to your room, Myu, and it was empty. Empty like your soul!

Myuden: Is now REALLY the best time to get into this?

Syrenna: When are we going to talk about this? When you get back from the mission?

Myuden: Yeah, any time when I'm not minutes away from a showdown with a mad bomber is all right with me.

Syrenna:…I love you…

Myuden: I'm STRAIGHT.

Myuden went into the next room, and to her surprise, Fortune was waiting for her. "Uh…hi," She waved a little.

"Come, try and kill me." Fortune said, aiming her rail gun.

"Uh, it'd be just a tad easier if you put down that bigass gun," Myuden suggested. This offer was greeted with a rail narrowly missing her. "I don't get you," She said, aiming her SOCOM. "Cacaw, bitch!" She fired, and the bullet deliberately swerved to avoid her. "Oh, come on! How do you consider that luck!? That bullet took a completely different direction when it got close to you!"

"I saw you catch that seagull. You were going to eat it, until I said anything."

"What, that's what this is about? That's crap, lady, pure crap."

"Innocents should be left out of the battle!" She fired a shot, exploding stuff.

"Uh, whoa, was a bird your mom or something?" She asked.

Fortune stared as she flashedback to her childhood.

"Mommy, can you sign this permission slip for me?" Li'l Fortune asked.

Her mother looked at her and replied, "Caw! Caw!" Her mom was a seagull.

"I'll not have you badmouth my mother! She committed suicide by taking alka-seltzer after my father and brother and husband died!" She fired another rail.

"Wow, your life's almost as bad as that guy whose only purpose is to make constant reports every fifteen seconds."

Renx came down on the elevator. "Hey, Queen, you're needed in the AW CRAP I'VE BEEN SHOT" He collapsed as Myuden shot him in the forehead.

"Yoink!" Myuden ran past the grieving Fortune and into the elevator, mashing the Door Close button. It eventually started up, and the catgirl breathed a sigh of relief.

She was back on the roof of Strut A, and now headed towards Strut E. Let me just fastforward time here… She finally arrived at the roof of Strut E. Standing there was Burk, wearing a blast suit and roller skates. He was labeled Fat Dude (Burk Stargrazer). "Wait, wait, how come I'm emulating Fatman? I'm not fat!"

"You're fat compared to say, me, or everybody else."

"But I'm not like, obese! I have some winter chunk on me I haven't gotten rid of, true, but still! Other than that, my weight is appropriate and attractive!"

Myuden snorted. So ladylike. "Well, you dragged me up here, and I had to face a lot of weird emotional bullshit to get here, so let's get this over with."

"Haha! Let's start this with a bang!" Fat Dude said, as bombs appeared on the radar. Myuden rushed over and defused them, then pumped him full of lead. "Ack! Get them, my seagull friends!" He yelled, and seagulls dove at her.

"Does everyone have a psychic attachment to birds or something!?" She asked herself as she shot a bird out of the sky. The dog from Duck Hunt caught the bird when it came down.

"Huh. That didn't work…It's time to get back, to the bombs!" He placed more bombs, but she froze them before he could start the timer. "Oh, weak," He said, and she shot him some more. He rollerskated at her, firing his automatic pistol wildly and missing frequently. She took this time to gather up some items, one of them being a claymore mine.

"Hmm," She grinned, placing the mine on the ground and hiding.

"Hey, where'd you go? Wait! Is that small, mine-ish looking object you? I better go check this out!" He skated over and blew himself up on the mine, that being his last hit needed. "Oh, the ironing is delicious," He muttered.

He was suddenly in a completely different place as he lay down and was dying. He gave a long speech about…well, I wasn't paying attention, and neither was Myuden. She just looked at her watch impatiently as he babbled on and on, until the end, when he said, "But my biggest bomb ever is about to go off! Hahahahaha! Laugh and grow fat!" He died.

"Oh, crap, what am I going to do?...Well, I guess I can die lady-tea-bagging him. But first let me move him, the sun's in my eyes this way…" As she did, she saw his bomb underneath him. "Ok, not sure how he got that there, but whatever." She froze it, thinking how anti-climactic that hiding place was.

Myuden: Well, Colonel, I'm a Goddamn Bomb-Disposal Hero.

Burk: Good work. Now, ready to get back to your mission?

Myuden: What mission?

Burk (He stares in shock)

Myuden: I'm just kidding! Seriously, I have to clean up the ocean or something?

Burk: NO! The hostages! Mostly the President! Save them, but mostly him!

Computerized Voice: You have a collect call from

Nake: Ash Nake.

Computerized Voice: Will you accept the charges?

Myuden: Colonel, I've got another call coming in. Yeah, I'll accept.

Nake: Hey, kid.

Myuden: Nake! You're all right! How's Shell 2 doing?

Nake:…Are you kidding? Two struts are barely there anymore.

Myuden:…Damn. I guess all those toxins were released into the ocean?

Nake: Toxins? What are you talking about, crazy?

Myuden: You know, the Big Shell? Tanker Accident? Jon Stewart?

Nake: Uh, right. Anyways, Shell 2 is hella flooding. But, I didn't see any hostages in there, so they must be in Shell 1.

Myuden: Ok, but how we gonna get them out?

Nake: Got a friend that can fly a chopper.

Myuden: Neat-o. I'm standing on a helipad right now…There used to be a Harrier here, which is sorta weird…

Nake: A HARRIER!?!?!?!?

Myuden: Why do you keep doing that?

Nake: That's bad. A Harrier would kill our sorry asses if we're in a helicopter.

Myuden: So, what do we do?

Nake: I'll soil myself, regroup, and come up with a plan. Later.

Cursing her unhelpful Navy SEAL buddy, Myuden went down the steps of the helipad and was just being all casual, when suddenly, "Oh no! Ninjas!" She exclaimed as a cyborg ninja leapt at her.

"'Sup?" It said in the same voice of Mr. XXX.

"You part of FOXHOUND?" Myuden asked.

"No, a messenger from the Loli? Lou, Lay Low. Use Codecs."

Ninja: I'm here to provide backup and relay information.

Myuden: Ok…Wanna start by helping me?

Ninja: I know by proxy the location of the president.

Myuden: Begin maybe with the telling?

Ninja: In the core of Shell 1, there's a man named John Ames. He's a Secret Serviceman who was briefly married to Nastasha from the Shadow Moses Incident.

Myuden: Who?

Ninja: Exactly. Anyways, Ames will be able to tell you what you need. But to get to him, you'll need these.

The ninja gives her an army uniform, a cardkey, a cell phone, and a directional microphone. Yes, technically that's later, but screw that. "You'll need an AK-47 to really blend in, but this is a start. The microphone will let you listen to Ames's heartbeat. He's got a pacemaker, so it'll be real easy to separate him. Here's a card to get in, oh, and also there's a registered optical scanner."

"Son of a bitch! The one time they decide to be competent!" She swore under her breath.

"It's all right, just hold a guard next to it or something. Oh, yeah, better hurry, because they have a nuke."

"A nuke? Like, the nuke nuke? When did they get one of those!?"

"It was here to begin with."

"…So, a clean-up facility is just holding a nuclear bomb?"

"The Big Shell is not a clean-up facility you tard! It's to hold the Metal Gear! Thank God for that sexy little body you have. Yeah, they have the bomb, and the President, and the Metal Gear. Get on it. Ok, I have Myurenna fanfics to write. Later." The ninja backflipped over and over until it leapt off the building.

Myuden sighed and headed to the storage strut, where, thanks to her cardkey, she got a shiny new AK-47. She then went back to the EF connecting bridge and ran across the falling-apart floor into the Shell 1 Core.

Inside, she first decided to call the Colonel.

Myuden: Hey, Colonel, thanks for supplying backup. I'd like a heads-up on any other surprises like that, though.

Burk: What are you talking about?

Myuden: No need to be coy. The ninja just told me he was the backup.

Burk: He's not one of our guys. I think a ninja would kind of stand out, you know?

Myuden:…Huh. Ok, what about the Metal Gear?

Burk: METAL GEAR!?!?!?!?!?!? Never heard of it.

Myuden:…You can't expect me to believe that, can you?

Burk: Myuden, I've told you everything I know.

Myuden: More like everything I need to know, right?

Burk: Just focus on the mission already. Also save.

Syrenna: Hey, Myu. Ready to save?

Myuden: All right…

Syrenna: All righty, I'm done. So…Do you remember our first date?

Myuden: Again: straight. But yeah, I remember. It was right after I got a transfer to New York. There were a couple of tourists who were asking about King Kong. You said he climbed up the World Trade Center, and I said it was the Empire State Building. And I was totally right, by the way.

Syrenna: But he climbed the World Trade Center in the 1975 remake!

Myuden: Remakes don't count! You know that! Anyways, we went to the visitor's complex, but it was closed already. So, we went to a video store and rented King Kong to find out who was right. That was our first date…which makes it kinda weird how our relationship is based on the both of us being close-minded and stubborn.

Syrenna: Do you remember anything else about that day?

Myuden: Hmm, it was a Friday, because I was remembering how funny The Office was the night previously. The sky was rather gray-ish, I was afraid it was going to rain all day. I met you at 5:34 in the afternoon, well, technically it was the evening. Why?

Syrenna (slightly angry): Anything ELSE?

Myuden: Not really. Ok, I should get going.

Back in the Shell 1 Core, Myuden was ready to roll. "All right, let's kick some Russian ass!" She ran out into the hall, where she was immediately spotted. "Shit!"

"It's the enemy! I need help!" One of them shouted. This same guy took a shotgun and fired one round, taking all of Myuden's health.

"Myu!? Myu, answer me! MYUUUUUUUUUU!" Syrenna shouted.

Alice was sitting in bed with a disgusted look on her face. "What the hell was that!?"

"Alice, language!" Mariné called from the hall.

"Sorry," She mumbled. She tried again…And again…And again. "Oh, this is crap," She said, dialing Claudia's number.

"Hello?" Claudia said on the other line.

"Yeah, hey, it's me. You played that Metal Gear Sci Fi 2 game, right?"

"Yeah."

"My mom bought it for me while I'm sick. Ok, I'm at the part where you're in the core, and I keep dying. Did I miss something?"

"Oh! That, yeah. You can just dress as the guard and equip the AK. The guards will leave you alone."

"…Oh, that is freaking bullshit. Thanks. Well, that was all I wanted to ask. Later," Alice hung up and turned back to the game.

Myuden put on the guard disguise and equipped the AK-47. She casually walked to the elevator. "Oh, hello fellow guard!" She said to another guard.

"What was that noise!?" He asked, before seeing her. She stepped into the elevator and went to Floor B1. There were a few guards wandering aimlessly, most of them chilling in the break room while one hung out in front of the retinal scanner.

"Hey, I got a question for you," Myuden said to him.

"What's that?" The guard said.

"Kidney punch!" She walloped him in the kidneys, and then shoved his face into the retinal scanner. The door opened and she proceeded through.

Inside the core, around thirty people were bound and blindfolded, and leaning against various chairs and tables and such. Myuden huffed: It was going to be a loooooooong search for Ames.

Burk: Ok, some more info for you.

Myuden: Shoot.

Burk: Well, John Ames has a pacemaker, so his heartbeat will sound different.

Myuden: Right, right.

Burk: So, anyways, ask him if you think he's Ames. But keep in mind: your greatest threat is here.

Myuden: Hmm?

Burk: A guard who makes regular reports.

Myuden: Ick. I guess I can knock him out like the last guy…

Burk: NO! His reports are SO OFTEN, that doing so would instantly alert the guard station to send upwards of fifty men at you at once. And since there's only one entrance…

Myuden: Jesus Colonel, you've really got my lady balls in a blender, here.

Burk: Pretty much…You already said that with Stillman…

Myuden: It's my catchphrase. Like you guys and your four years until a party thing.

Myuden walked around, looking at the hostages and wondering which was Ames. "Let's see, the Colonel mentioned Ames had a heart condition, and was male, so let me ask THIS YOUNG WOMAN!" She sided up by one of the young women who was tied up. "So, are you Ames?"

"My name's Jennifer!" She said in a scared, hushed whisper. Whispers tend to be hushed anyways, why did I say that? Stupid, stupid.

"…Ya sure?"

"Pretty sure."

"Your last name isn't Ames?"

"What was that noise?" The Regular Report Guard went up to Myuden. She quickly brought out her AK-47. "Hmm, I was not told I would have any support down here, but I'm not going to question it." He turned and left them alone.

"…So, just so we're hundred percent here, you aren't Ames." Myuden affirmed.

"Leave me alone already!" Jennifer said.

Myuden went around, listening to people's heartbeats, before realizing that someone probably has a fetish for this thing. She went up to a middle aged fellow, had the mic on him, and thought she heard a ping. "Hey…Are you Ames?"

The guy nodded, tape over his mouth. Myuden reached over and pulled it off, and a caption labeled him John Ames (John Lucas). "Who told you about me?" He asked in a whisper.

"Ok, this is going to sound really retarded, but there was a guy in a ninja suit who draws erotic fanart of me. He did some massive infodumping, and told me you could fill in the blanks. Also, the president."

"Right, right, you must be the agent of the Loli? Lou, Lay Low!"

"I don't know who this Lou guy is, but he needs to stop with the kiddy porn. That's not cool, guys," Myuden said.

"The president can fill you in on that."

"So I gotta go grab someone else for all this shit to start making sense?"

"Weren't you going to rescue him anyway?" Ames asked.

"True."

Revolver Lucas watched this exchange, eating popcorn. Apparently there was a security camera above them, making the decision to staff the room at all kind of pointless. Why didn't he sic a bunch of guards on them now? "Let's switch to codecs," Ames said, as if he psychicly realized what Lucas was doing.

"Aw, gay!" Lucas said, dropping his popcorn angrily.

Ames: So, the president- yeah, he's alive, they need his vitals to launch the nuke.

Myuden: So…that's good, right?

Ames: Yes…except they've already got the first launch codes they need. So they only need to keep his vitals on until the next code-entry, then they can kill him.

Myuden: Man, you think these eggheads have everything figured out, then you realize how all it needs is patient terrorists. Oh, there doesn't happen to be any Metal Gears here, right?

Ames: METAL GEAR!?!?!?!?!? Yes, actually.

Myuden: So, they're keeping Metal Gears and nuclear warheads in an offshore cleanup facility?

Ames:…They didn't tell you anything, I'm guessing?

Myuden: Uh, let me see…I was told Step 1: Come here to Big Shell. Step 2: Cut a hole in the box. Step 4??? And Step 5: Profit.

Ames: Big Shell is not a clean-up facility!

Myuden: Then the tanker?

Ames: That was planned too.

Myuden(Worried): And…Jon Stewart?

Ames: He was in on it from day one. The government tour here was supposed to check on the development of the new Metal Gear. And trust me, this one will blow your mind. Hey, something's going on over there, better listen to it.

Myuden took her directional microphone and pointed at the shadowy room, where she could hear insidious voices. "Eh, I'm bored of this already, I wonder what's going on in that bathroom?" She pointed the mike over at a restroom.

"Oh GOOOOOOOODDDD!" Came an extremely anguished cry. "I can't believe I ate the WHOLE THING! The next time I'm offered to join a chili-cheese fry eating competition where first prize is pie, I'm not entering.

"Hee hee," Myuden giggled, "That guy's got diarrhea."

"Hey, are you listening to Snake and Lucas and Zanaa?" Ames asked her quietly.

"Uh, yeah," She lied. "They're talking about…Metal Gears…and…uh…waiting four years to throw a party. Anyways, is this guy really Ash Snake? I mean, he did die and everything."

"Yes, so either he survived, or there are two of them…" Ames said.

"I know, and it's impossible for the two of them to have the same codename or anything, right?" Myuden asked, annoyed. "It's not like my codename was Ash Snake or anything at the beginning."

"All right, while you were listening to that man taking a shit, I listened in on what was really happening with my directional microphone." Ames said.

"Bullshit."

"Hey, we have to move the plot along somehow. Anyways, the president just put in the codes."

"But I thought he had to be alive and willing to do that?"

"He does. Meaning…"

"Oh, shit," Myuden muttered, the realization dawning on her, "Bitch works for China!"

"Or, the terrorists." Ames said.

"China is slang for terrorists." Myuden lied. "But why would the president do something like this? I mean, on a list of people who wouldn't want the power structure of the US to change, it'd be the president at number one."

"Unless he wasn't the one at the top," Ames said ominously. "But anyway, we're running out of time."

"Trust me, if that regular report guard hasn't found us by now, he never will."

"I'm talking about the nuke! It's been the terrorist's plot all along!"

"Note to self: Yell at the colonel," Myuden said to herself.

"Don't worry, they're not trying to kill lots of people. Thanks to some loosely described technobabble, exploding a nuke in the air will create an electromagnetic pulse that will wipe out anything electronic! With the US's economics knocked out, they will liberate it and form a new country, hence the name of the terrorist group."

"DEAD CELL!?!?!?!?!?" Myuden asked.

"No. What? That's stupid. They're called, "Liberty's Child". Oh crap, Lucas is coming! Quick, put your hand down my pants!"

"Um…What?" She asked.

"There's a level 3 card in my pocket. Now re-equip your AK."

Myuden stood up and had her gun in her hands. "Something the problem, soldier?" Revolver Lucas walked up to her, twirling his pistol.

"Uh, no, you see, I have a bad heart, so I asked her to take off my mouth tape." Ames said. Lucas looked at him. It was an awkward moment, as John Lucas was emulating two people now in direct conversation with each other.

"Stop your lying, we know who you are. Also, Zanaa is the only female soldier ever, so we know who she is too! Well, more or less," Lucas nodded, indicating Myuden. "As for you, it's about time you had a mysterious heart attack already."

"HURGKAKAHURGHUHRUGH!" Ames shouted, before collapsing. DEAD.

"FOXDIE!?!?!?!?!?" Lucas asked with a laugh. "Anyways, back to you, girlie soldier…Yoink." He yanked off her mask.

"Oh…crap…" She muttered.

"Surprise, dickbags!" The ninja appeared and jumped in front of them. He tried to chop off Lucas's hand, but he dodges just in time.

"Ha! I have adapted to your offensive technologies! Get them!" He yelled to his guards, who fired at the ninja. He blocked the bullets with his sword, and shoved Myuden up the stairs and out of the room.

Myuden's first thought was to call the Colonel, thankful that doing this froze time.

Myuden: Ok, two things: One, Ames? Dead.

Linguo: AMES…IS…DEAD.

Burk: Right.

Myuden: Looked like a heart attack. Oh, and another thing: Why does everyone but me know about the Metal Gears and nuke and everything?

Burk: I'm looking into it.

Myuden: Well, I know you don't care, but it's my ass out here. When I don't know about something, it's me who looks the fool. Ames would probably be laughing at me right now if he wasn't being tossed off the Shell into the sea right now.

Burk: Yeah, yeah. Ok, now you really have to find the president though, because even if he is cooperating, they'll probably just kill him when it's over with.

Myuden: Ok. Myuden out.

She avoided the Panic Mode guards and went on the Shell connecting bridge, which was longer than the other bridges. She suddenly got a call.

Nake: Myuden! Watch out for the C4!

Myuden: Hm?

Nake: The bridge was wired with it after I crossed. There are sensors that you have to shoot so you don't explode horribly.

Myuden: Man, how come every time we talk, something's about to explode!? Wait, I've got it! (She dials Stillman)

-Beedly beep, beedly beep-

NO RESPONSE

Myuden: STILLLLLLMAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Nake: Yeah, I dunno why you thought that would work. Yeah, the things will be little black boxes- so shoot those.

Myuden took out the sniper rifle she had gathered offscreen, doped herself up on tranquilizers, and shot the sensor boxes. She was still tripping a little bit on the tranqs, so she also shot a part of the Shell 2 that looked darker than the surrounding area, then she cracked up while thinking about Johnny Sasaki on the toilet. She dialed Nake afterwards.

Myuden: Hey buuuuuuuddy.

Nake:…First time taking pentazamine, I'm guessing?

Myuden: I'm getting some of these things home with me.

Nake: Careful, I knew a girl who got addicted to those. She had giant hooters and nearly killed me and my girlfriend, but in my second battle with her I just shot guided missiles at her instead of sniping.

Myuden: Neat.

Nake: Also, my friend was in love with this chick. Oh, here he is. This is Jack Emmerich, also known as Jackacon.

Jackacon: It's the name of an anime convention!

Nake: Of course it is. He's piloting the Kasatka chopper right now, we'll be at your location in a few minutes. (There's the sound of gunfire) K gotta go bye.

Myuden: Hmm… (She calls Burk) Ok, so, Jackacon, that's ringing some bells up there, right?

Burk: Yes, this all goes back to Shadow Moses…

Myuden: What the hell does the emo version of Sonic have anything to do with this?

Burk: Christ, you are dumb. See why we don't tell you anything?

Myuden: What was that?

Burk: I said, Shadow Moses, with Metal Gear LEX, stopped by Ash Snake. Jack Emmerich was one of LEX's designers, and one of the people to actually escape.

Myuden: So, why is he here now, then?

Syrenna: He was involved with the tanker incident two years ago. He and Ash were part of a terrorist group that destroyed many Metal Gears.

Myuden: They're not terrorists! I can just…tell, you know? In order to do a mission like this, you need, a higher calling or something. I mean, I don't have that, and I've really been phoning it in since fighting that fat guy.

She defiantly ended the Codec call and proceeded to the middle of the bridge. There she saw the chopper heading towards her. Nake was hanging on to the side of it, and signaled her. However, she also sees a mysterious caped person at the entryway of Shell 2. "I've been waiting for you," The figure said, in a strong, yet female voice, "A messenger, from the Patriots!"

"What? The Patriots? I hate that Tom Brady." Myuden said.

"Where do I know you from?" The other person asked.

"What, you like, the boss or something?" Myuden asked cautiously.

"Hahaha, not the boss around here, but the boss to surpass Big Boss!" The woman shouted, revealing herself. She looked like Nake, only she was a girl…with girly parts. "Ash Snake!"

"What? No, that's stupid! That is not Ash Snake!" Nake shouted.

"Wha? Oh, hello, brother!" Girl Ash Snake shouted.

"I'm not your brother!" Nake yelled. Technically he was right.

"That's very harsh of you, Snake!" Girl Ash Snake yelled.

"Wait, wait, hold up! Ash S. Nake is Ash Snake!? Nothing makes sense! My worldview is broken!" Myuden said as her life came crashing down.

"You can have your retard tripfest later, I'll handle this now!" Real Ash Snake fired his gun at his girl counterpart. She threw off her cape, revealing her metal suit underneath, and rollerskated down the walkway.

"You cannot defeat me, I am Ember Snake!" She laughed, being labeled Ember Snake (Ember Williams). She leapt up into the air, dodging Ash's fire, and leaping into the gunner's seat of the Harrier. The jet is flown by Renx, wearing flight goggles and smoking a cigar.

"Myuden, take this!" Ash threw down a Stinger Missile Launcher. "The Kasatka can't handle the Harrier!"

"So, a person on foot with a missile launcher can?" She asked.

"You've never played this game, have you?"

"You know, in the middle east, we don't hunt foxes, we hunt jackals! And we don't use hounds, we use ROYAL HARRIERS!" Ember laughed.

"See, that makes sense in THIS context," Ash muttered. "Yeah, good luck with this one kid."

"Yeah, I really should've seen this coming," Myuden said to herself, as she took out the Stinger.

"Ha!" Ember laughed as the Harrier flew over the bridge.

"Don't worry, kid, the firing mechanism for the Stinger is idiot-proof." Ash called down to her. Myuden stared at him blankly.

"I'll take your word for it," She said, before aiming and firing a missile directly at the Kasatka. "Oh, dude, sorry! Sorry. My bad!"

"Yeah, you know what, I was going to throw down a ration, but now I'm keeping it!" Ash Snake shouted.

"Forget him, I can do this on my own," She said, aiming the Stinger this time at the Harrier jet and firing it. "Ha! Yeah, son!" She said as the missile headed right towards the jet…only for it to miss by a bit. "What?"

"Ha! Try shooting at where I'm going to be!" Ember Snake laughed.

"Man, what kind of moron develops a highly sophisticated portable homing missile launcher that can't catch up to a jet!?" Myuden huffed. She fired more missiles at the jet, causing them to explode and such.

"What the-!" Ember Snake shouted as she got hit by missiles. "I'll let you go out in style!" The Harrier flew up into the sky.

"What's that ominous whistling noise?" Myuden asked. She looked around as the ground around her became shadowed, eventually looking up. "Oh, shit…"

KABASHKABOOMBANGCRASH!

Myuden blinked, covered in ash cartoonishly. She coughed, and a black puff of smoke came out. She took out a ration and devoured it like a manticore rending the flesh of a person.

"Ha, that was a pretty good attack, right? And if I keep that up, you'll be screwed, won't you? So now, I'm going to HOVER OVER YOU AND TRY TO SLOWLY LOWER THE JET ONTO THE BRIDGE!" Ember shouted, and the Harrier flew over Myuden and sort of stayed there.

"Are you serious?" Myuden asked, firing missiles directly upwards. They all shot and exploderd everywhere, wrecking the jet up pretty bad.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ember yelled. A piece of glass broke off her cockpit and cut her in the eye. I forget which one. Maybe the right? The opposite of Big Boss's, I know that…Unless it was the same as Big Boss's… "Dammit Renx, you told me you could fly this thing!"

"I assumed I could. It's just a car with wings, right?" Renx shrugged.

"Oh, you did NOT just say that," The Harrier Jet's AI said. The plane was going down, and Metal Gear LE jumped up out of the water and caught it.

"Annnnnnd LE with the save! And the crowd goes wild!" LE said, catching the jet easily.

"Metal Gear LE! Smack that bitch up!" Ember commanded, dabbing at her eye with a napkin.

LE suddenly had Jehuty-esque missile pods and fired her payload of missiles everywhere. Heh, "fired her payload".

"Dammit!" Jackacon said as he swerved to avoid the explosions. He did surprisingly well, only the rear rotor of the chopper was hit. Hooray!

Myuden however was hanging onto the edge of the now destroyed bridge. "How did I get over here?" She asked herself.

Metal Gear LE was now treading water, holding the jet in one hand. "Renx, go," Ember said. Renx nodded, flipped out of the cockpit, ran across the ocean like a Jesus Lizard, then up the wall heading into Shell 2. "…Friggin' show-off," She muttered, looking at the stairs to her immediate right. The cockpit closed back up and LE took the jet underwater.

Myuden, however, was still hanging onto the edge of the bridge. "Heh! All those pull-ups I did will finally pay off!" She laughed, lifting herself up onto the bridge…only to nearly fall again, as the thing was pretty much destroyed. "Oh, come on!" She said, deciding to inch herself over to Shell 2 by way of a nearby pipe. When she landed, she got a call.

Myuden: Hey Nake…Oh, sorry, still weird to me.

Ash: Well, stop it already. How's it going?

Myuden: Awesome. I didn't nearly die a bunch of times nor barely land onto a pipe that's two feet wide tops or anything.

Ash: Good to hear. The chopper's damaged though, we're going to have to repair it.

Myuden: So…

Ash: Mmmmmyes?

Myuden: You're THE Ash Snake, right? I thought you died!

Ash: Ha, yeah, I get that a lot. Yep, I'm one hundred percent Ash Snake.

Myuden: Ok, so, you're a legend and everything, so I need to ask you this…

Ash: What is a legend? Nothing but a miserable pile of things remembered! But enough talk, have at you!

Myuden:…Anyways, I wanted to ask, well, my mission really sucks, so, if you had a crappy mission, would you do it? Even if your hetero-lifemate was your mission analyst which somehow translates to being the save-whore?

Ash: There was something my friend said to me once…He said, "Ash, one of these days, I'm going to rape you. Don't worry, it'll be completely accidental. But I always end up raping my friends. I consider it a compliment."

Myuden:…What is this I don't even…

Ash: I took that to mean that we aren't tools of the government. We have to fight for what we believe in.

Parappa the Rapper: You gotta believe!

Naruto: Believe it!

Myuden: Hey wait a minute, how did they get your DNA if you're still alive?

Jackacon: I can field this one. See, he has a brother who's genetically identical to him despite having different genes and looking different from him.

Myuden:…That's retarded.

Ash: Also, he currently lives in the arm of Revolver Lucas.

Myuden: That's even more retarded!

Ash: And Lucas's mom was Big Boss's mentor/mother figure. She had sex with a guy who had ghost powers or something.

Myuden: That's…really unlikely, but in light of the other much more retarded events, is relatively not that retarded.

Ash: Hey, don't look at me, I don't write this.

Myuden: One other thing…

(Ash/Jackacon groan)

Myuden: Oh, come on!

Ash: Ok, but then I get to ask you a question.

Myuden: Ok, so, are you guys an NGO, and why are you here?

Ash: That's two questions.

Jackacon: We're an NGO, just a badass one that blows up evil robots and kills people. And we're here for my sister.

Myuden: You're going to blow up your sister?

Jackacon: No! We're going to save her!...Though, we might have you do that, if you don't mind. You are closer to her and everything. The fact that she has Sudden Unexpected Death Syndrome is also a major worry.

Myuden climbed up onto the walkway around Shell 2 and called the Colonel. Hoo boy, Talking Head Codec sequences NEVER get old…

Burk: If you're done jacking off with snakes and planes, we have Presidential bullshit to discuss. He should be in the core of Shell 2, which you can reach by going around the edge like you're sort of doing already.

Myuden: Neat. Oh, hey, weren't you the Colonel that helped Ash Snake in Shadow Moses? Because in that book Nastasha wrote…

Burk: Who? (Myuden shrugs) But still, ignore him. He's not part of the simulation!

Myuden: Simulation?

Burk: I didn't say that. Anyways, Myuden, hurry up and get the mission done. When you get back, we will have cake.

Myuden: Hooray!

Syrenna: And then I'll pleasure you orally!

Myuden: Double Hooray! I mean, I'm straight, for the last Goddamn time!

Myuden hung up and continued along, before she got a call.

Ash: Yeah, I forgot, we didn't ask you OUR question.

Myuden: Can't this wait?

Ash: No! (He and Jackacon start laughing) Shut up, shut up, I'm asking her… Ok, so, about how many times a day do you (He turns to Jackacon, still grinning like an idiot) I can't do it she's looking right at me.

Myuden: It's a codec, where am I supposed to look?

Jackacon: Ok, so, how many times a day do you, you know, go explore the majestic caves of your vagina? (He and Ash crack up, Myu just silently fumes until they stop) But seriously, is it more than seven? (She hangs up) Jeez, bitch much?

She continues on, walking next to the outside of one of the buildings, when suddenly a guard just couldn't wait. "Damn, I really need to bleed my Liquid Snake," He said, undoing his pants and peeing over the side of the building.

Myuden was directly under him when the stream began. Her eyes widened, shuddered, and sprinted ahead to the end of the walkway, shaking off the excess urine.

Burk: Heh heh, I guess that's why they call them wetworks, see what I did there?

Myuden: I just got peed on like a Japanese hooker, and you're making PUNS!?

Burk: Puns are part of the mission, sorry.

Cursing her less-than-helpful support, Myuden made her way to the Shell 2 Core. Spotting Zanaa again, she ducked behind some cover and listened with her directional microphone. Apparently the fishwoman was talking with Ember.

"Zanaa, Ash is here, in Shell 1," Ember said.

"My father has some unfinished business with him!" She hissed.

"Do you mean that metaphorically? Because business or not, your dad is pretty dead."

"Bah, this is boring," Myuden said, pointing her mic towards further inside of the core. Inside she heard the sounds of a running shower and Renx singing.

"My baby takes the morning train, shoots rails from 9 to 5 and then, she takes another home again, to find me waiting for her…in," He sang, realizing too late that the lyrics didn't really rhyme, so he mumbled for a bit before changing songs abruptly, "Anyway you want it, that's the way you need it, anyway you want it!" He then imitated the guitar sounds with his mouth.

"And what's going on over here?" Myuden said, pointing the mic back at Zanaa, as she did not want to complete the mission with a song stuck in her head.

"We've turned on the deadly, deadly electrical current around the President. That should stop any wayward catgirls for sure," Zanaa finished. She then left for some reason, possibly to dress as the ninja OMG SPOILERS!

Myuden then did what she always does in this situation- initiate a codec sequence.

Myuden: Ok, Colonel, what's the plan?

Burk: Well, if you had a remote controlled guided missile, you could deactivate the electrical current.

Myuden: Hey, Ash mentioned how he used one of those in the past to kill some evil hooker or something.

Burk: Good, good, leave me be.

-Beedly beep, beedly beep-

Ash: What's up kid?

Myuden: Hey, remember how we were talking about you killing that evil whore using guided missiles?

Jackacon: She wasn't a whore! I LOVED HER!

Ash:…Anyway, yeah, I did. What about it?

Myuden: Well, I need guided missiles to deactivate an electrical current so I can save the president. You know where I can get some?

Ash: You're on Shell 2, right? There's actually one in the second floor basement, even though it got flooded.

Myuden: Oh…Will it still work?

Ash: Weapons are like, made of magic and science nowadays. It'll be as good wet as it was fresh off the production line.

Myuden: All right!

Hearing this happy news, she made her way to the floor B2. "Oh, jeez, floor B2? I'm not going to have to fight Octoroks am I?" She saw the large pool of water and suddenly wished she hadn't thrown away her scuba mask when she entered the facility. She took a deep breath and dove in. She swam along, looking for the missile launcher, when she tried opening a door. And then, scary music played as Stillman's body came out of it. "STILLMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" She cried out internally. Myuden then swam along and got it, the Le Femme Nikita missile launcher. I feel so ashamed of that pun. She turned around and went back up to the Floor 1 core and fired the missile, guiding it through air vents until it reached the President's holding cell.

"What a strange object!" President Piotr Johnson exclaimed when he saw the missile. "I better go inspect it…With my face." He ran headfirst into the missile and done got himself blown up.

LET'S TRY THAT AGAIN, LOLZ.

The missile came out of the air ducts and blew up the generator, leaving the president unharmed. Myuden then busted into his room. "Jesus Christ, woman, what the hell was that?" Johnson shouted at her.

"What's the problem? It didn't get you killed," She said, before adding, "In this continue anyway," under her breath.

"Well, I know one way you can make it up to me," He slapped her on the ass.

"Dude, what the hell are you doing?" She asked. "Anyway, I'm part of FOXHOUND."

"Ah, now things make sense," Johnson nodded.

"That makes one of us," Myuden muttered. "So, why'd you enter the nuke codes, el traitoro?"

"Look, I wanted power, they sought destruction."

"Correct me if I'm wrong, don't worry, it wouldn't be the first time, but you're the President. You have power."

"Alas, I am a figurehead. The real power is that of the Patriots!"

"They're not that tough if the Giants could beat them," Myuden said, missing the point.

"The Patriots rule the country- they do everything. Also Brady hurt his ankle, so he couldn't dig in for deep passes." He got back to the real topic. "Like I was saying, though, everything accredited to me was really the Patriot's doing, and everything that happened in Congress was just a show for the public. Listen, do you really think public opinion changes society?"

"I don't know, I don't really vote or anything," She shrugged.

"Well, even elections are just a show! Put on to distract the public from the real inner workings of government! Look, I don't know who the Patriots are. I'm beginning to suspect they're like a political Cthulu, and that none can gaze upon them without going mad."

"Hey! I take offense to that; I'm a Western Baptist Cthulan!" Myuden said.

"…What?"

"Oh, have you not accepted our squid-faced, unfathomable savior into your life?" She asked.

"Well, we've somehow managed to work the Big 3 Taboo Social Topics into one conversation: sports, religion, and politics. But I digress, I became President because I told the Patriots I would always be loyal to them. But as I was a pawn, I wanted to become a queen." Myuden snickered. "Stop laughing. I wanted to leave a mark on history, and was willing to use Metal Gear as a bargaining chip." He then waited patiently, staring at her. "Ahem," He said, "I said, Metal Gear as a bargaining chip."

"Oh, sorry, I'm new at this. METAL GEAR!?!?!?!?!?"

"Unfortunately, if the Patriots were removed, we'd be screwed. There'd be a power vacuum, and if someone as lazy and corrupt as ME could get into office, hoo boy. When I told Ember this, though, she was all, "Pawns can't become players!" then she pushed me into the dirt."

"Wait, who is this Ember Snake?"

"My predecessor, Ember Sears."

"Clever codename," Myuden snorted.

"I agree, Myu," Syrenna laughed over her codec.

"Ember is the third Snake, part of," The president then applied a ridiculous French accent, "Les Enfant Terribles". He dropped the accent and added, "She made the Patriots all pissy by starting the Shadow Moses incident."

"Right, right, I've read Nastasha's book."

"Who?" Johnson asked. Myuden shrugged.

"But right, she then 'resigned' from office, got together Dead Cell and the Gurlukovich Army, and stole the new Metal Gear."

"Damn, that crazy robot chick is already running around, catching jet planes and shooting missiles like there's no tomorrow!" Myuden said.

"What? No, no, the new Metal Gear isn't operational…yet. They call it Arsenal Gear."

"Arse-anal Gear?" Myuden asked, but not bolded and in all caps.

"That's awful, I bet you also said something like calling the nodes nerds. Arsenal Gear is a fortress, with lots of Metal Gear LEs to protect it, and the purified Hydrogen bomb."

"So, anti-Metal Gears protecting a Metal Gear…" Myuden said.

"Ironic, isn't it?"

"Yes, very much so. It's like ray-ee-ain, on your wedding day," She said.

"Stop making jokes until you learn how." Johnson scolded. "But Arsenal Gear is more than a weapon, it can be used to control every piece of information ever. It's got these AIs on it that do nothing but delete stupid information and downvote moronic videos on Youtube. Ok, here's a Level 4 key card and a disc on it with a virus on it that will destroy the Arsenal AI."

"Thanks," She said, taking this crap.

"Kay…now kill me."

"What?" She asked.

"You had no problem doing it before when you were aiming that missile!" He protested, grabbing her pistol and forcing it into his face. BANG! He suddenly fell to the ground.

"Was I in time to stop the infodump?" Revolver Lucas asked.

"No, try coming about an hour earlier," Myuden rolled her eyes.

"Well, about time I hit the old dusty trail," Lucas stretched, leaving the room. Myuden went for him, but Johnson apparently wasn't dead.

"Leave him! He did us a solid, now the nuke won't launch. You have to find Jacklyn Emmerich and give her that disc! Stop Arse-anal Gear…" He coughed before dying.

"How come it's ok for you to say it? Because you're a dead old white guy? And an attractive young still alive catgirl can't?" Myuden shrugged, and decided to call the Colonel.

Myuden: He's dead. Looks like a heart attack.

Burk: Then what about that bullet?

Myuden: The shock of being shot gave him a heart attack. So, was what he said true?

Burk: Why are you asking me that? I'm just going to dance around your question and not answer it.

Myuden: Good point. Why don't we save everyone some time and you just tell me where to go?

Burk: Ok, find Jacklyn Emmerich. She should probably be in the Shell 2 Core, because if she isn't you made some serious oversight.

-Beedly beep, beedly beep-

Myuden: Hang on, I'm getting another call.

Ash: Hey hey, woogidy woogidy. What's the haps, Tokyo Myuden?

Myuden: Stop trying to be hip. Also, a whole bunch of shit. Patriots, Ass-Butthole Gear or something, and the President got shot.

Ash: Wow. So, the last horse crossed the finish line I guess?

Myuden: Bwuh?

Ash: You just learned about Arsenal Gear, right?

Myuden(Hella pissed): You knew Big Shell was a cover-up? Why didn't you tell me about it?

Ash: Look, I'm an asshole. I like to drive slow, in the ultra-fast lane, while the people behind me are going insane.

Myuden: Why is it that everyone is lying to me!?

Fat Dude's Ghost: I didn't lie to you.

Myuden: You tried to kill me, that's just as bad.

Ash: Who are you talking to?

Myuden: Definitely not the ghost of one of the bosses, I'm not that crazy. But I don't get your involvement in all of this.

Ash: Ok, I was in that tanker thing, took a few pictures, one of them netting a sweet Erotica bonus, and then was blamed for sinking the tanker, which was actually done by Lucas.

Myuden: Oh, right, I did a VR simulation of that mission.

Ash: I doubt it was accurate.

Myuden: Did a monkey start throwing barrels at you when you tried to climb the stairs? I kept dying on that part.

Ash: There was a monkey, but he didn't throw a thing. Look, they got pictures of me on their system, including a picture of my groin, and so it was easy to assume I was in charge. Jack got pulled in because he's like my Milhouse or something.

Jackacon: The Patriots wanted to smear our names. That's why Lucas was there and-

Myuden: Wait, Lucas is working with the Patriots? Then why's he helping Ember?

Jackacon: Good point. Ok, find my step-sister Jacklyn. She should be on the same basement you were on before. Oh, and she can't swim.

Myuden: Great. Well, I have a stupid underwater escort mission to attend to, so I'll be on my way.

She hung up and headed back down and into the water. She swam along, taking note of several air pockets that existed for some reason, past Stillman's body, and up a flight of stairs and, using the Level 4 keycard, went into the next room.

The room was set up like a giant square, with a square walkway going around the edges but leaving a hole in the center. Renx was standing on the water, looking freshly showered. "You know, your muscles betray your movements." SUBTLE DISCUSSION ABOUT AUTO-AIM ALERT! "When you aim that gun without first looking at me in first-person view, I can easily dodge it."

"Wait, how do I shoot without looking at you?" Myuden asked.

"Hey, look at this water," Renx said, clearly not caring about what she said, "There's no buoyancy in it at all. A non-freak like you would just drown in it like a puss. But I have super vampire/bisexual skills, and can swim in it as easy as Sunday morning!" He walked around on the water to prove his point. "Anyway, the girl is in there. We have no use for her anymore. Even though she was good bait for our catch," He said, with a chuckle, "The Horse That Fucked Catharine The Great To Death sometimes speaks the truth."

Myuden, after giggling at the name, remembered back to her VR training on Shadow Moses, where Vulcan Primarian had called Revolver Lucas that long and cumbersome nickname. "Hey…wait," She said, everything dawning on her, "Vulcan Primarian and Zanaa Gurlukovich are like, the same person in different clothes! And Revolver Lucas and John Ames are the same too! And now that I think about it, the Colonel and that horribly obese bomber looked the same!"

"I'm not that fat!" Fat Dude's Ghost pleaded.

"Look, the cast isn't big enough to support two games' worth of characters," Renx muttered.

Alice is playing the game, with a quizzical look on her face. "Is this what they meant when they said the game got all meta on you?"

"Well, it doesn't matter, we've still got the bomb, and we're still going to use it! Not even your killing of the President can save you from that!"

"Hey, he jumped in front of the missile. I just wished that counted and I wouldn't have to restart it. I mean, he wanted to die anyway, right? Couldn't he have written down all that Patriot crap?" Myuden wondered.

"Look, six months ago we lost everything we believed in…" He started.

"Don't care," She said.

"But it offers insight into-!"

"Don't. Care."

"Fine. I didn't want to tell you anyway." The room suddenly shook, and Ember's voice came over a loudspeaker.

"Arsenal Gear is almost ready. Everybody get to your stations. Also, Renx, ice that bitch, yo."

"It's too bad you won't be able to give the girl that virus program," Renx said.

"You know about that?"

"Do you think you're being quiet during your codec conversations? You're shouting so loud they could hear back in Strut A. We just didn't attack you because we felt sorry for you…and we were inexplicably frozen in place."

"Heh, yeah, lucky for me, huh?" She smirked. "All right, we gonna go, man, let's go!"

"What is a man?" Renx began to ask, "Nothing more than a-"

"Yeah, yeah, miserable little pile of secrets. Ash already did that gag."

"Well, damn it. Hmm…Ok, I got it. Tell me I suck."

"Can't we just fight already?" Myuden asked.

"Do it then we'll fight."

"Fine," She sighed, "Renx, you suck."

"Oh, I suck all right…SUCK YOUR BLOOD!" He leapt at her and the battle began.

"I hate you," She muttered. He threw knives at her, which she shot out of the way. He dove into the water to taunt her.

"Hey! Look at me swimming around under the non-swimmable water!" Renx laughed, before during a crude impression of Myuden, "Colonel, you don't tell me anything. LOL BALLS IN A BLENDER!"

"Two can play this game," She said, taking out the Stinger Missile Launcher and firing it into the water.

"Crap!" Renx shouted as he got the air knocked out of him and a sizable chunk of his stamina bar. He jumped out of the water as Myuden ducked and called the Colonel on her codec.

Myuden: Hey, if I deplete his stamina bar instead of his health, do I get anything?

Burk: Stamina bar? What kind of fresh hell is this?

Syrenna: No, well, you might get his camo.

Burk: But it's sort of a wussy route to go.

Deciding a chance for his camo maybe was good enough for her, Myuden took out her seldom-used tranquilizer gun and fired like, fifty shots in Renx's head, and bombing the water when he was swimming.

"Ok, that does it. ZA WARUDO!" He tossed a knife into Myuden's shadow.

"Urk! I can't move! Is someone making a codec call or something?"

"Ha!" Renx jumped in front of her. "MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA!" He punched Myuden repeatedly, then jumped into the air. "WRYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" He screeched as he crashed down on a steamroller. Myuden crawled from the wreckage, tearing into a ration like it was keeping her alive…other than the fact that it really was.

"All right, time I showed you how bizarre this adventure really gets!" Myuden said, swinging her fists at Renx. He absorbed these hits like a little wiener until his stamina went all the way down.

"What? I lost my stamina? I don't wanna live anymore!" He stabbed himself and fell backwards into the water, sinking to the bottom.

"…Well, I beat him. Oh, and I did get camo!" She said, picking up the Bisexual Camouflage. "Huh, wonder what this does…"

Myuden: Sigint, what does this camo do?

Sigint: AW HELL NAW!

Rather than put on the camo and find out for herself, she carried it into the next room and stuffed it into a locker…to find Jacklyn Emmerich in it. "Oh crap!" The female version of Jack whimpered as she peed herself. Dammit Kojima…

"Hey, are you Jacklyn Emmerich?" Myuden asked.

"Y-Yes," She said, and she was labeled via caption Jacklyn Emmerich (Jacklyn Handey).

"Good, I'm Myuden, your ticket out of here," She offered a hand to help her up. "Ok, things are pretty flooded over there, so we're going to have to swim for it. That cool with you?"

"I can't swim! Not after the accident!" Jacklyn cried.

"Ok, look, you can hang onto me," Myuden said, suddenly wondering if she accidentally equipped the bisexual camo. "I'll swim us both out."

"But you're a kitty!" Jacklyn said.

"Hey…you're right…Huh, yeah, I guess I wasn't paying attention to the whole swimming thing. That should show you how all right you're going to be, then, huh? Let's get going."

"I can't!" Jacklyn cried.

"What now?"

"They gave me a weird drug, it's hard for me to walk!" She said, standing with a bit of a struggle.

"Fine, I'll take your hand. I just want to get this stupid escort mission over with." Myuden said, holding the girl's hand. They went out into the main room, and things looked bad. "Jeez, all right, just hold your breath."

"Ok."

"Also, we might swim by a dead guy, so keep your eyes shut." Myuden said. She suddenly got on her knees and shouted to the sky, "STILLMAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

They dove underwater. Myuden was not pleased with Jacklyn's O2 bar. "How am I supposed to get you out of here?" Through constant use of air pockets, they were able to reach the part of the Core that wasn't underwater.

"You did good, kid," Myuden nodded.

"Yeah, well, I had an incestusous lust for my step-brother Jack." She admitted rather nonchalantly. Myuden's eyes widened as she accepted a call from the Colonel.

Burk: You've got Jacklyn! Good job!

Myuden: Yeah, thanks, but how am I supposed to get her to Shell 1? I mean, last time I checked the bridge was all exploded. And if these people are as lazy about fixing bridges as they are cleaning up the ocean we've got no chance.

Burk: There's an oil fence- you two might be able to go across that.

Myuden: All right! Oop, time to save. Yo, Syrenna?

Syrenna(Mildly annoyed): You're certainly hitting it off with that Jacklyn girl, aren't you?

Myuden: I'm trying to keep her calm, all right?

Syrenna: Oh, keeping her calm through oral sex, is that it?

Myuden: Huh?

Syrenna: Oh, my mistake. I wasn't watching your mission, but the porno based on it. Metal Gear Sci-Fi 2: Penises of Liberty.

Myuden: They really phoned it in on that title…

Syrenna: Yeah. Just remember between me and her, which one of them do you have a relationship based on close-minded stubbornness?

Myuden(Doubting if anyone listens to her): I'm straight.

Syrenna: Myu…

Myuden(sighs): Ok, you.

As she helped Jacklyn to the door, she got another call. "Why must I be so popular? Damn you good looks and likable personality! Damn you I say!"

Jackacon: You did it! You've almost got her back to us!

Myuden: Yeah, you wanna talk to her?

Jackacon: Uh…I…

Jacklyn: …

Jackacon: …

Jacklyn: …

Jackacon: …

Jacklyn: …

Jackacon: …

Jacklyn: …

Jackacon: …

Myuden: So, an awkward silence walks into a bar…

Jackacon: J.E.! Why did you do this!?

Jacklyn: Because I wanted to hurt you, all right! You abandoned me!

Ash: Hey, both of you shut up. The way I see it, you both abandoned society what with your sick brother-sister love.

Myuden: Cthulu doesn't look kindly upon incest.

Ash:…Yeah. So buck up, you two.

Myuden and Jacklyn then walk out of the core and towards the Strut L Oil Fence. "So, I've got this disc for you…" She said.

"That's my program! How'd you get it?"

"The President died. He gave it to me. He said it'd stop the Patriots…"

"Well, it's like a worm cluster designed to render their GW AI useless."

"George W. Bush?" Myuden asked.

"George Washington, dummy. It's supposed to look at all the information on the internet and trim out the useless garbage."

"Good Lord!" Myuden gasped. "They're going to become Wikipedia!" (citation needed)

"This worm cluster will hinder their ability to do that." She explained as they reached Strut L. They went to the bottom of the Strut and were soon at the oil fence.

"Wow, this is a lot less sturdy than I expected it to be," Myuden said. The oil fence was essentially a few inner tubes with wood planks over them. Also a few soldiers and flying gun turrets walked about their paths in a very half-assed manner. What was the chance they'd ever encounter anything? "Hmm…How much you weigh?"

"What?" Jacklyn asked, shocked. "You can't just ask me that!"

"Look, you can go over the bridge, I'll cover you. It'll be easy."

"And once she gets to the halfway point, I can cover her too," Ash Snake chipped in via codec.

"Ok, I'll try it," Jacklyn said, and she began to cautiously walk across the oil fence.

"Ah, hello Pentazamin, my old friend," Myuden said, doping herself up. As she sniped, she hummed a snappy tune and knew everything was gonna be all right…when suddenly…

"Check it, bitches! DJ Renx in da house, and his rhymes are stupid fresh!" Renx jumped out of the water and grabbed Jacklyn.

"Damn! Can't get a clear shot!" Ash grunted.

"I got it," Myuden grinned as she shot. The bullet nailed Renx in the forehead roughly 2 seconds after he appeared.

"Not again!" He yelled as he fell back into the water and died.

"Urk, when did this happen?" Jacklyn grunted, a bloody patch appearing on her chest. Ash freaked out and grabbed her, taking her to Shell 1. Myuden followed them in there as well.

"No!" Jackacon cried out, "Her Sudden Unexpected Death Syndrome!" Consider Chekov's Gun fired. Jacklyn managed to run the program, but was failing fast. "J.E., J.E., what can I do for you?"

"Call me Jacklyn…" She muttered.

"Why not J.E.?" He asked.

"Because it sounds like GE, and we can't be getting our asses sued," She whispered. She then died.

Jacklyn's Parrot, who was not a parrot but actually Special Guest Star Tiny Cheap Trick filled in the blanks. "Jack…I want you…to want meeeeeeee," Tiny Cheap Trick said.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jackacon bellowed. "It's time I told you this- the day of the accident, I had sex with my step-mother."

"Wait, what the hell?" Myuden asked.

"My father found out while they were swimming, so he drowned himself, and she nearly drowned too! IT'S ALL MY FAULT!"

"Well, I mean…You DID bang your step-mom. Yeah, it is your fault." Myuden said.

"Look, Jack, what's done is done. C'mere." Ash said, hugging Jackacon in a manly, heterosexual way…but that didn't stop thousands upon thousands of fangirls interpreting it differently.

SUDDENLY… "Hey, Arsenal Gear's launching. You might want to make a note of that," came a voice over the speaker system.

"Jackacon, take care of the hostages- GET TO DA CHOPPA!" Ash ordered.

"And you two?"

"We'll go aboard Arsenal and take it down in case that virus didn't work. Come on, kid," Ash said, grabbing Myuden and rushing to the Arsenal boarding area.

"Think he's going to be ok?" Myuden asked.

"He'll get over it…I hope so anyway, because if not that bus ride home is gonna suck."

"How are we gonna get aboard, though?" Myuden asked.

"Here, ninja, ninja, ninja," Ash said, seemingly not listening. The ninja leapt down from out of nowhere.

"Arsenal's launching." It said.

"Really? I didn't know that, you know, with the loudspeaker announcements and everything." Myuden snorted.

"I've had enough of your snide insinuations," Ash said, ridiculously telegraphing a punch. Myuden sidestepped it.

"What the hell, man? You changing sides on me?"

"I never said I was on your side," He said.

"Aw, bitch!" She said as the ninja put its sword to her throat. The faceplate went down and the ninja was Zanaa! Wow, I did not see that coming, despite all the foreshadowing I did to the contrary!

"It's time for you to take a catnap," She said, striking Myuden across the face.

"Man, and I go out on a pun? A terrible pun at that? I oughta…" She lost consciousness.

She regained consciousness. There were bright lights, and a few people talking. "Is she alive?" Ember Snake asked. She now had an eyepatch on.

"She was when she came in here," Revolver Lucas laughed. "I checked her out."

"Ah, so you found out her organization and rank do not exist? Regardless, I know her," Ember snarled.

"Actually, I meant I checked her out. She's got some nice boobs, and because it's like fifty degrees in here they're all perky."

"We've discussed this- I sweat easily. It's a trait many people share, including the now ex-President. That's why the air vents on Big Shell were large enough for a grown man to comfortably crawl in," Ember said. "But as for her, do you recognize me, Myu? I taught you everything you know."

"Really? You must've sucked as a teacher," Lucas muttered.

"She was a lot smarter as a kid. The Patriots probably plugged her up with stupid. DAMN THE PATRIOTS!" Ember shouted suddenly. "Well, I have important things to handle. The men are getting Arsenal gear, pardon the pun." She left.

"I will handle this," Zanaa said, coming in.

"Right. You know, I find this so nostalgic. My first date was in a cold sterile lab room with a naked chick on a metal bed behind us," Lucas said, leaving.

"Don't move," Zanaa said, "We're being watched." They switched to codec to talk. If they ever make a Metal Gear themed college sex romp, they could call it Coed Codecs. Not sure where that came from, but I'm just throwing it out there.

Myuden: So, you're the ninja?

Zanaa: Yes, though all I said was true. It was I who suggested we strip you naked for this.

Myuden:…Ok…Uh, who are you working with?

Zanaa: The Patriots, they have my child…who was born 9 months after that night on the tanker and looks suspiciously like Ash Snake…

Myuden: So, you don't hate him?

Zanaa: I owe my life to him. He saved us from that tanker. I found that out while you were prancing about with that girl. But my child's life depends on your success- on you stopping Ember and her men. It's the only way to stop Arsenal Gear.

Myuden: But why me? Why was I chosen? Why should I be the one to…I don't even remember what my goal is. And again, why did you take my clothes off?

Zanaa:…What? Sorry, I was lost in your eyes. Ash has your gear, he's in the hangar. I'll get you out when I leave.

She left the room, and Myuden heard a few reassuring clicks as the locks around her broke off. She got up, shivered, and covered her boobs with one hand and her lady-bits with the other. Disoriented, she paused to check to see if she had received any hidden map data for Arsenal Gear like she had for Big Shell, but all she could see was a heavily stylized turtle. "Um…Ok…" She went into the next room, a large hall with men in ninja gear walking about. As she took a step, she got a call.

Burk(Slightly hazy picture): Ok, M-Myuden, your role is to stop Ember and her men…

Myuden: What? I need to see Ash, and get my gear back.

Burk: Forget that fool, bitch, you don't need him! He's not even programmed into the simulation.

Myuden: Hey…I've never met you…

Burk: Recover Arsenal Gear!

Myuden: Are you under orders from the Patriots?

Burk: Listen: We have Syrenna. Don't try anything funny.

Myuden: Answer my question!

Burk: Uh, can't hear you, kshhhhk, going through tunnel.

"This is really weird, am I still tripping on Pentazamin?" Myuden wondered. "I should try calling the others, to get my bearings."

Myuden: Ash, you there?

-NO RESPONSE-

Myuden: Huh…

-Beedly beep, beedly beep-

Myuden: Syrenna, you're still there, right?

Syrenna: Myu? What's wrong?

Myuden: Oh, man, I'm glad you're there- I'm seriously tripping out here. The colonel said some pretty weird stuff, and I'm naked, and…

Syrenna: It's time I told you the truth.

Myuden: Hm?

Syrenna: I'm a Patriot agent. I tailored my looks, my personality, everything, so that you would be attracted to me.

Myuden: Did you just blow past the whole me being straight thing when you planned this?

Syrenna: But, even if I did this because of my job, I love you now, Myu. Isn't that all that counts?

Myuden: Look, I know it seems like I say this a lot, but this really isn't the time or place to-

Syrenna: I'm pregnant. It's yours. (She is suddenly cut off, her picture becomes static and her audio is cut)

Myuden: Oh my God, I'm gonna be a father…Wait, wait, this could all still be not true! I just need to make sure something is grounded in reality…(She dials Stillman)

-Beedly beep, beedly beep-

-NO RESPONSE-

Myuden: STILLMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Shaking her head, Myuden tried to make sense of what was happening. She was naked, check. Surrounded by ninjas, check. No one making sense, check…Is that a ghost? She took a step when she got another call.

Burk: It's time to give up, Myuden.

Myuden???

Syrenna: How long have you been reading this thing? It's really quite long, have you been going at this all at once?

Burk: You might want to hit the hay, gotta get up early tomorrow.

Myuden: Uh…

Burk: Listen: Once I was driving down the road, and saw a sign for a Wendy's that said there was one in the next exit. So I went there, thinking that sounded pretty good, and when I got off the interstate, there was no Wendy's to be found throughout the whole exit. Do you understand what this means?

Myuden:…The sign was put there before they finished building the Wendy's?

Burk: You're hopeless.

Myuden took a step and got another call.

Burk(Singing) Duh duh duh duh, believe it or not, Burk isn't at home, please leave a message, at the beep. I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I beeeeeee? Believe or not, I'm not home!

Myuden took a step and got another call.

Burk: This was a triumph. I'm making a note here: huge success. It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.

Myuden took a step and got another call.

Burk: So, I've got this great idea for a movie. It's a deep political thriller, and halfway through the film, there's a zombie attack and everyone becomes undead. Then the movie continues like normal.

Myuden took a step and got another call.

Burk: You know, I kind of like that Raiden fellow. Raiden's a cool guy, eh fights Metal Gear Solids and doesn't afraid of anything.

Myuden took a step and got another call.

Tiny Cheap Trick: I want you…to want meeeeeeee.

Myuden took a step and got another call.

Burk: So, apparently, in order to get past that barrel in that Sonic 3 Carnival level, you can press up and down with rhythm to get it to move out of the way. Ha! What a country!

Myuden took a step and got another call.

Burk: I know, you want me to do that line about that worm in flapjaw space doing the raw blink, and how I need scissors. Well, I'm going to be the bigger man and make a joke about my penis…It's very small…Huh, I need to work on that one a little.

Myuden took a step and got another call.

Burk: Man, why can't I ever be the hero? In the real story, I was a good guy…But in all this sidestory nonsense I'm either the villain or a side character or such. I'm going to petition some sort of story where I'm the star. I've got it- Burk Effect! I'll be in the role of Burk Shepard, the only man who can save the galaxy from the Reapers!

Myuden: Dammit Colonel stop drunk-dialing me!

Myuden hid behind the ninja guards, using stealth and such, despite the fact that her radar was replaced by a picture of a Japanese woman. The ninja guards either did not care about Myuden's approach or were too distracted by a naked catgirl running around to care. She eventually made her way to the hangar.

"Nice ass," Ash said to her. He was no longer dressed as Ash S. Nake, but as Ash Snake, in the blue sneaking suit that was all the rage in the darkness of Shadow Moses.

"What's with you?" She asked him.

"What? This suit? I love it. Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all! Nothing at all! Nothing at all!" He repeated himself for some reason.

"I meant why didn't you answer your codec?" Myuden muttered as she put on her sneaking suit.

"Hey, I had stuff to do. Anyway, sorry about earlier, had to use you as bait to get on board. You understand my situation, right?"

"You understand I was just running around naked while fighting off ninjas, right?" She said as she loaded her pistol.

"Would this make it up to you?" Ash said, handing her a sword.

"Ooh, nice," She swung it around, accidentally cutting Ash in half. "Oh, crap."

TIME REVERSAL!

"Ooh, nice," She swung it around, narrowly avoiding cutting Ash in half. "Wow, that was close."

"We're up against a bunch of mass-produced LE units. 25 if what Zanaa said is accurate."

"Jesus Christ, I know you guys make fun of me for this, but if that's NOT balls in a blender I just don't know what is." Myuden noted sadly as she did some sword spinning. "Hey, look at me! I'm Devil May Cry! Huah! Slam dunk!"

"Yeah, I agree with you there. About our balls. That Devil May Cry thing was just flat wrong. One, his name is Dante. Two, it's Nero that says 'Slam dunk' in Devil May Cry 4."

"So, we've got an army of ninjas, 25 Metal Gear LEs, we're out of gas, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses," Myuden said, before adding, "Let's rock."

"Right. Oh, and if you run out of ammo, I'll toss you some." Ash said, holding a FAMAS.

"You've got enough?" Myuden asked.

He tapped the bandanna on his head. "Infinite ammo."

"…Then how's Jack alive?"

"…What?"

"Didn't you get that from saving Kat? And yet clearly Jackacon is alive, because I saw him and everything…"

"Look, the air strike on Shadow Moses was called off. I assume he escaped then."

"You assume?" Myuden asked.

"I never asked. And I don't think I can now, all he'll do is whine about his dead step-sister he barely even talked to before she died."

"Oh, hang on, getting a call…"

Myuden: Hey Jackacon, we were just talking about you.

Jackacon: About me? Uh…Anyway, all of us are safe- me, the hostages, those survivors Frank West saved from the zombies.

Frank West: I've covered-

Jackacon: We know, we know, you've covered wars.

Frank West: ……You're welcome.

Myuden: Oh, and the colonel has really been bugging out lately. Mind using your sciencey crap to learn why that might be?

Jackacon: Sure, why not?

"So, Ash, I have to ask…" Myuden began. "Well, actually, Zero can ask it for me."

"WHAT AM I FIGHTING FOOOOOOOOOORAAAAAAGGHHH!?!?!?!?!?" Zero shouted.

"Can't help you there, you're going to have to find something you believe and fight for it."

"Then that's it," Myuden said, "I'm gonna fight, for my right, to party!"

"…Try to think up a better thing you believe in," Ash muttered. They walked into the next room and were spotted. "Heads-up, kid!"

"Oh no! Ninjas!" Myuden said as lots of Tengu guards appeared (See, I do know their real name). Ash steadied his FAMAS, and she took out her sword.

Lots and lots of Tengu death later, Myuden and Ash, the former's sword and body drenched with blood and the latter's uh…well, he had a gun. He wasn't close to the chaos. "Wow, you have some problems," Ash said, as the last half of the battle consisted of her stabbing everyone to death.

"No, I'd only have problems if I did all that stuff while I was still naked. Now, I'm just a catgirl who's good at what she does: killing."

"Wasn't I supposed to be the one who says something like that? Only like, way earlier?" Ash muttered as Myuden answered her call.

Jackacon: So, good news, I found the colonel, bad news, he's in YOUR HEAD BECAUSE YOU ARE CRAZY, BITCH!

Myuden: What?

Jackacon: See, you were talking to the GW AI the whole time.

Myuden: Finally things are making sense.

FLASHBACK CODEC SEQUENCE

Burk: Hey, Myuden, don't tell anyone, but I'm the GW AI.

Myuden: Your secret's safe with me, sir!

NORMAL CODEC SEQUENCE

Jackacon: You see, the AI stimulated (Heh, "stimulated") nerves in your brain which, due to your expectations of this Colonel, created a character for you to interact with. So, now that the virus is wreaking havoc on the AI system…

Myuden: He's going screaming yellow bonkers, I get it. Oh, I have a question…Does Syrenna exist?

Ash: Oh, come on. She;s your girlfriend.

Myuden: Hetero-lifemate whom I may have impregnated, not girlfriend.

Ash: Hot.

Jackacon: Look, you probably exist, maybe. Isn't that all that matters?

Myuden: I guess…

They went into the next room, which was large and circular. They were suddenly surrounded by Arsenal Tengu, and Ash Snake and Myuden were back-to-back. "All right, let's kick some ass!" Ash said, jumping forward and firing his machine gun madly into the air. Myuden slashed her sword ferociously, cutting bitches in half, just like flies. Is she strong? Listen, bud. She's got radioactive blood. While this was happening, the screen imitated a game over screen, only it said FISSION MAILED and the options were Emit and Continent.

MEANWHILE…

"So, did our method of cold fission make it to the patent office?" A scientist asked another.

"I just mailed it," said the other. Ha! Payoff!

"Wow," Ash said after the carnage. Like fifty guys were laying there, all dead and crap.

"Yeah, we really let ourselves go with that one," Myuden said. "But at least it looks like we're…" Melancholic jazz began playing, "Screwed," She completed as Fortune entered the room. "Though, to be honest, with all the crap that's been happening, I totally forgot about you. I thought you were in Quirky Miniboss Hell like that guy from Grandia 3 who just kind of disappeared late in the game."

"Ash Snake…the man who put my life through hell…" She hissed, aiming her rail gun.

"Hello," He waved. She fired, and they scattered. "Fight me if you must, but leave her out of this!"

"She tried to kill a bird!" Fortune snarled.

"Is this true?" Ash asked Myuden.

"Look, I was hungry, I hadn't eaten in like forever, and every time I eat a ration it just heals me!"

"However, my vengeance will only be complete by killing Ash Snake. You can go on, Birdkiller." Fortune pointed her rail gun at Ash. "Now, let's see if the legendary hero can kill me."

"You know, I'm not really a legenda-" He started, cut off by the BANG of a fired rail gun.

"Yeah, yeah, legends are bad and all that. Let's fight!"

Myuden climbed the ladder and was somehow in a large hexagonal area with no visible entrances or exits. "Ah, you're finally here, Myu. The most ruthless of my child soldiers, and also the product of the S3 program." Ember said from some unseen position.

"S3?" Myuden asked, but she covered her mouth almost immediately. "I didn't say that, please don't clarify, PLEASE don't clarify!"

"S3- The aSh Snake Simulation. A program designed to take someone and mold them through various experiences into the very model of a modern major general: Ash Snake!"

"Wait, wait, wouldn't putting every one you wanted to become a super soldier through a test run of the Big Shell fiasco be really…retarded?" Myuden reasoned.

"Well, you know…Uh, well…ah, screw it." Ember suddenly appeared, in her full Doc-Ock esque tentacle suit. "Bring on the Metal Gears!"

In the far background, a whole bunch of LE Metal Gears were just hanging out. They were smaller than the Prototype LE, but there were also 25 of them.

"This is going to suck," Myuden huffed as she brought out her Stinger Missile Launcher. As three LEs approached her, she fired a missile at one of their knees.

"Hey! Ouch!" The LE said, leaning on her un-wounded knee for support. Myuden took this time to fire a missile into her mouth. "Oh, not cool, not cool!" She groaned as she lost more of her health.

"Man, this is going to take forever!" Myuden said, looking at how little damage had been done.

FOREVER LATER…WHICH WOULD BE A GOOD YET NONSENSICAL SUBTITLE FOR A MOVIE OR VIDEO GAME OR SOMETHING…

Myuden about collapsed. The mass-produced LEs were all weak or wounded. One had enough strength to try to stomp on her, though. "Not so fast!" Zanaa came in.

"Did you just say 'not so past'?" Ember asked.

"…No."

"Huh…That's weird…Well, anyway, what are you doing here?"

"If she dies, so does Ash Jr.! I can't let that happen! Myuden, you must prevail!" Zanaa shouted out. Ember shot her. "Oh, damn…"

"Now that that's taken care of," Ember said, turning to face Myuden. However, the LEs were going loco.

"Hey, our AI is all messed up," one LE said.

"Let's get drunk and break things!" Another yelled. They all took this to mean KILL EMBER SNAKE so they tried to, but she jumped around and fired her submachine gun at them. They all kerploded.

"Ok, now that that's out of the way…" Ember said, noting Myuden had passed out from exhaustion. "Hmm…"

LATER…

Myuden opened her eyes groggily. "Well, at least I still have my clothes on…" She muttered. She looked about her, they were on top of Arsenal Gear, she thought, and in front of her were Ember, Fortune, Lucas, and a handcuffed Ash.

"That took long enough," Ember said. "You're just in time to watch the glorious birth of Liberty's Child!"

"Ahem," Fortune said, stepping forward, "I'll be taking Arsenal Gear."

"Ok, not give-backs!" Ember said.

"Huh?" Fortune said, taken aback.

"Arsenal Gear would be a terrible impregnable fortress. I mean, Myuden, a barely functioning adult, was able to get through it without any tools or weapons! In a real battle, it's just a big target. Its whole purpose is to house the Metal Gears, fire the Hydrogen Bomb, and control information flow. Once I've launched the bomb, you can go ahead and do whatever you want with it."

"Ahem," Lucas said, stepping forward. "I'll be double-crossing you all now."

"What?" Ember said, shocked. Ash and Myuden looked at each other, wondering why they were here if no one was going to pay any attention to them.

"Yes, I've been working for the Patriots the whole time! And now, I can stop all of your separate plans! As for you, Fortune, I think I'll grant your wish for death." He aimed his revolver at her.

"Ha, good luck, I'm immune to-" BLANG! The bullet pierced her chest.

"Nanomachines, my dear, giving off an electromagnetic field to bend bullets around you. Seriously, the shots often went in clear opposite directions when people shot you, why did you think THAT was luck?"

"That's what I said, and," Myuden started.

"Shut up, Myu," Everyone said, including Ash.

"Ash!" She said to him.

"Everyone else was doing it!" He said.

"But with that field disabled, as the Patriots have no more need for you, you're just as easily killed as any other redshirt guard in these games. Speaking of which…Oh, LE!" The Prototype Metal Gear LE was on top of Arsenal Gear too.

"Yes boss?" She asked.

"Time to party," Revolver Lucas jumped up into her mouth, and began piloting. She fired a whole bunch of missiles, but Fortune managed to deflect them away from everyone else with her dying gasps.

"Wow, so maybe she did truly have mystical powers," Myuden said.

"Or maybe the Patriots turned them on in the last second to screw with our heads," Ash Snake said.

"DAMN THE PATRIOTS!" Ember yelled, to no avail. Lucas in LE laughed.

"Well, that little oversight won't happen again…" He said, about to fire missiles…when… "ARGH! NO! GAH, GODDAMMIT PLOT DEVICE!" He yelled as his arm took control.

"BRUTHAAAAAAS!" Sinder Snake bellowed. "What a nice little family reunion, eh?"

"SINDER!" Ash yelled. He got up and hulked out, breaking his handcuffs.

"I'm taking this all the way to the Patriots themselves! Let's see them stop me!" Sinder had LE jump into the ocean, and Ash followed him.

Arsenal Gear was suddenly in the middle of New York. "…The hell was that?" Myuden asked. She and Ember were knocked onto the roof of Federal Hall.

"Well, here it is, a climactic showdown, just like Ash had with Big Boss." Ember said. She tossed Myuden her sword, which the catgirl used to cut her handcuffs off.

"Except I probably won't beat you with hairspray and a lighter," Myuden said, though just to be sure she checked her inventory to see if she had these items. She got a codec call, and swore it'd be the last time she'd answer it.

Burk: Ah, you've made it.

Myuden: Still whacked out on goofballs, GW?

Burk: No, this is the other AI. I'm here to tell you the last-

Myuden: Stop it.

Burk: But I-

Myuden: Stop it. I don't care. I don't care if you guys planned out everything since Shadow Moses. I don't care what S3 really means, or what it does.

Burk: But that's the beauty of it! You've passed S3, with flying colors!

Myuden: And even if that gets me a sweet-ass chocolate factory run by little orange guys, I couldn't possibly care at all. If the goal was S3 was to get me to hate everyone and everything that attempts to tell me something, then yes, I passed.

Burk: Ha! The S3 proved beyond reasonable doubt that you would follow orders!

Myuden(Visibly shaking with rage): That's IT!? You did all of this, to see…GAH! GODDAMMIT I HATE YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY KNOW! YOU'RE A GODDAMN WASTE OF SPACE AND THIS IS THE WORST PLOT TWIST IN THE HISTORY OF…HISTORY! IF I EVER SEE YOU OR ANYONE RELATED TO THE PATRIOTS I SWEAR I WILL RIP OUT THEIR EYES AND USE THEM AS THOSE CHINESE STRESS BALL THINGS!

Burk: Uh…

Myuden: I'm not finished with you! You realize how much easier on everyone you could've been with this!? You're wasting taxpayer money making colossal cover-ups so one plucky agent can do whatever you tell her to? I don't even know what Ember plans to do now, but it has to be better than whatever shit you're up to!

Burk: She's going to kill you and use your nanomachines to find the location of the Patriots.

Myuden: And you've got me so blind with anger that sounds like a great idea! Only I have so much rage right now that if I don't kill someone I'm going to explode!

Burk: Look, you can-

Myuden reaches into her ear, yanks out the codec, and stomps on it repeatedly. She then grabs her sword and faces Ember, whose cheapass is dual-wielding swords. "Ha, looks like you-"

"One smart word and I'll cut you into tiny, tiny pieces! Actually, screw that, that sounds like a good idea anyway!" She struck at Ember quickly and fiercely, slashing the shit out of her, to say it in not so classy words. Myuden delivered the final blow, severing her spine, and Ember, with a stream of blood shooting from her back meandered to the edge of the building.

"I was just going to ask," She coughed, "if you wanted to kill the Patriots with me…" She fell off the building.

"Oh…" Myu said, having finally calmed down. She climbed down the building and saw Ash approaching her. "You get what you needed?" She asked.

"We got a disc containing the Patriots' locations. That will do for now. How'd uh, that go?"

"I ripped out my codec and never want to hear about the Patriots again. Let's leave it at that." Ash looked at Myuden and noticed something. Behind them, off in the distance, Renx was waiting at a bus stop.

"Hey, those dog tags…" He started.

Myuden looked at them. Name: ALICE

Age: 16

Blood Type: AB

Nationality: AMERICAN

"Someone you know?" Ash asked her.

"No…" Myuden said.

"Now that's meta," Alice said.

"Hey, is that your woman?" Ash asked. Myuden turned around, and there was Syrenna, existing like she always did, I think we're led to assume. "Run to her," He whispered.

"Myu!" Syrenna walked over to her, grinning. She placed Myu's hand on her stomach, showing that yes, she was still pregnant.

"…I remember now," Myu said. "Today was the day we met."

"I knew you'd remember!" Syrenna smiled. "I love you."

Myu looked deep into Syrenna's beautiful eyes and whispered back, "I'm straight."

DIRECTOR/LEAD URINE FETISH GUY- Hideo Kojima

CAST IN ORDER OF HOWEVER I FEEL LIKE IT

MYUDEN- Myu Schrödinger

ASH SNAKE/ASH NAKE- Ash Williams

EVERYONE ELSE- It's all listed in the story, people! The one you just read!

METAL GEAR SCI FI PLAYS GIBSON GUITARS

No animals were harmed during the making of this game…except that bird Myu shot. Also around halfway through we got drunk and…mistakes were made, and we ended up killing a horse. That last one didn't actually show up in the game, though, and that's exactly what Phoenix Wright is using to defend us in the upcoming lawsuit.

-Beedly beep, beedly beep-

Ash: Jackacon, what is it?

Jackacon: Well, remember how you wanted the locations of the Patriots members?

Ash: Yeah…

Jackacon: Well, they're all dead. They've been dead for almost a hundred years now!

Ash:…So…Mission accomplished.

Jackacon:…Yeah, I guess so.

Ash: All right! Promotions and hookers all around!

TACTICAL ESPIONAGE ACTION

METAL GEAR SCI FI 2:

LIBERTY'S CHILD

-Beedly beep, beedly beep-

Burk: Whew, that was weird.

Ash: Colonel, what's going on? I haven't seen you in forever.

Burk: It wouldn't let me log on to the codec system, said there was another Colonel Burk that's been online all of the past few days.

Ash: Ah, I see… But anyway, you didn't call to chat.

Burk: Right, right. Sorry to bother you, but I've got big news!

Ash: What? Not another absurd objective, I hope.

Burk: Are you familiar with Super Smash Brothers?

Ash: Ah, that Nintendo thing.

Burk: Yes. Actually, we've received an invitation for you to join. Are you up for it?

Ash: ……..

Burk: Where are you right now, anyway?

Ash: I'm on reconnaissance duty. (Cuts to Mario, Link, Kirby and Pikachu fighting with a box in the background)

Burk: Reconnaissance? Of what kind?

Ash: Knowing your enemy is the quickest path to victory.

He busts out of the box, and Newcomer: Ash Snake appears at the bottom of the screen. "Showtime!" He says through a thick Japanese accent.

THE END

BUT ASH SNAKE WILL RETURN IN METAL GEAR SCI FI 3, AND…OH, WAIT, NO HE WON'T…BUT IN METAL GEAR SCI FI 4 HE WILL! HE'LL BE OLD, BUT IT'S STILL HIM!