AN: Okay so hear me out - I was bnot/b going to post this here. Well, let me back up. This was supposed to be bshort/b. Like, 500 words max short. So, whoops. I also didn't intend to do any of Season 8 but uh *looks guilty* I've already started writing some stuff for Purgatory, so... Basically, I'm gonna need to post it here to help me keep track of how much I've been writing this year.
This is my first time writing anything with a/b/o dynamics. I've read some (yes... "some") fics in the past, but it's been on my list of things to actually write myself. I have an idea for a fic with Dean as on omega, so this seemed like a good way to try it out.
I've also never done one of these bullet-point fics. I've seen them a lot on tumblr and like them so I definitely have been meaning to try one of these as well. And this isn't really a site or text editor that allows me to even DO the bullet points so... yeeeeah...
SOOOOO... this particular exercise in sadness is from something I'd seen unforth-ninawaters reblog:
tigerboydean asked: "Oh no, your latest drawing has made me think of season seven A/B/O where Dean finds his mate again, but Cas don't consciously remember Dean (although his body reacts to him!) and when his memory does come back, then he sacrifices his sanity to save Sam, and Dean has to leave him behind for his own safety and it breaks both their hearts. And when Dean finally has somewhere safe to go with Cas (the cabin) Cas keeps trying to bring him gifts like honey and sandwiches to be a good Omega for Dean."
First of all, it's really complicated.
They're mated but they're not. They've slept together, but with the whole Apocalypse thing and then the whole business with Crowley… well, they never got around to officially mating.
Which means when Cas disappears into that lake, Dean doesn't even have a bite mark to remember his lost mate. He keeps the trenchcoat when it washes ashore, but with all the the water it barely has any smell left.
Doesn't mean he doesn't cuddle up to it at night when Sam's not around, desperately trying to find even the smallest trace of Cas' scent. Even long after he can't anymore, it's still comforting to hold it close.
He mopes for months. It's actually probably too generous to say he's moping - but he doesn't want to say mourning because that doesn't really sound any better. The drinking is bad, and it probably doesn't help that Sam's having his issues. Dean's life just fucking sucks right now and being strong for his brother is the only thing keeping him from succumbing to a bone deep kind of depression.
That kinda mellowed out feeling he gets after eating the TDK Slammer is probably the best he's felt since this whole mess started. It's not even that he feels good, he just feels… nothing. Doesn't feel how fucking awful it is that Cas is gone. Doesn't care that he doesn't care anymore. It's nice, in a fucked up kind of way.
He doesn't tell Sam, but he almost sneaks out to a Biggerson's to order another one. He just craves being able to maybe not fill the emptiness inside, but at least be able to gloss over it.
But then Sam's in the hospital and he's fucking losing it. He cannot deal with this and the whole Cas and Bobby thing, but he stows his shit because that's what he does.
This Emmanuel lead is shaky at best, but he follows it. He's too distracted to notice the familiar smell, very faint, in the air outside the home.
But then the demon's dead and he turns around and is hit full force with the smell of his dead mate. His dead mate, who is standing in front of him, looking at him like he's a complete fucking stranger and dammit if Dean's heart doesn't break a little bit more. (Which he didn't even think was possible.)
So Daphne's a thing. And his heart can break further still.
She's a beta and doesn't even notice the way Dean's emotions are spiraling out of control right now. Grief, anger, guilt, *want*, jealousy… he doesn't even know what he's giving off, but Cas Emmanuel is definitely picking up on it.
And fuck it all if the poor guy isn't responding back. Confusion is the predominant reaction Dean's picking up from the omega, but there's definitely more. Putting words on the specific emotions would be impossible. Yet he knows, without a doubt, that Cas Emmanuel longs to comfort his the alpha.
It takes all of Dean's willpower to stop himself from going over and scenting him.
It also kills him a little to know that Cas' body, his vessel remembers him but he doesn't. Is that all it was to Cas? Just a physical thing? Fuck, he can't think about that right now.
This should be the best thing that's happened to him inside of a year. Right now, it feels like the worst. He's stuck in a car with his no longer dead mate who can't even fucking remember him. Dean's torn between wanting to pounce on the poor guy and kiss his memory back (as though that's actually a thing)… and dearly hoping he never finds out that he's Cas. That would just be cruel. To both of them.
His angel's back and he's stupid enough to hope. They can save Sam and he can get his mate back and they can stop the Leviathan and everything's going to be okay. He's going to take Cas on a road trip and make love to him and finally finally mate him. They're going to save the world together (again) and the rest doesn't matter.
Given his track record, Dean doesn't know why he let himself indulge in that fantasy.
Why he decides to trust Meg, he's not sure. The spunky little alpha demon is not an ideal candidate for someone he's willing to leave the care of his mate to. Or anyone, really. But the choices are pretty shitty, and he can't take care of a crazy angel on the road.
He makes a point of not calling in. Meg, bless her (and isn't that ironic), sends him texts with updates once a week. It would be lying to say he didn't look forward to them.
And dread them.
Until one week it's not a text. It's a call. He walks out of an interview because it must be fucking important. He nearly barks a demand to know what's wrong. His leg is twitching and his anxiety is rising and even in the next room he can tell Sam and the witness are wondering a shared "What the actual fuck?" Cas isn't better, Cas isn't worse. He's in heat.
Dean just leaves. Texts Sam an apology but heads straight to Cas.
The suppressants haven't been working since he walked back out of that lake, apparently, because Dean's hit with that sickly sweet smell of Cas as soon as he walks into the hospital facility. He doesn't bother checking in - Meg had better run some interference - just follows that smell to Cas' room.
Meg's outside, holding up a visitor's pass. He snatches it and looks inside the room, sees Cas writhing on the bed. Doesn't really hear her pouting about how she offered Cas her knot, but he refused. The teasing that he might not want Dean's either. What he does ask is if there's a way to lock the door and block off the window on the door. "Sure, and I guess I'll be bringing you breakfast in bed tomorrow morning too." His scowl is met with complete disinterest. "Get over it. Indulge in some exhibitionism. And try not to be too loud, don't wanna gross out the other patients."
Cas' scent is about a hundred times stronger in the confines of the room, especially with his slick soaking into the sheets and mattress. Even in the haze of his heat, he almost immediately picks up on Dean's presence, moaning and begging for him.
Dean tries to shush him, calm him down, as he undresses them both. Seeing Cas lose his mind had been bad enough, but at least *this* he can do something about. He soothes Cas' tense muscles, tries to get him to relax a bit before taking the time to open him up. His slick is everywhere and it doesn't take long.
When he tries to get Cas to get up on his knees, he refuses, rolling onto his back and pleading, "Please, let me see you."
Dean always was a sucker for Cas.
Fuck, it feels like coming home when he starts moving inside Cas. The omega had always been responsive, but a lot *tamer* when he was all high and mighty as an Angel of the Lord. Now he's a loud, mewling mess. It's somehow endearing to see Cas lose himself like this, just enjoy letting Dean take care of him.
He wasn't planning on knotting him, but he can't really help it when Cas starts nipping at his ear, nuzzling into his neck… His own teeth ghost along Cas' pulse point, wanting so badly to sink in and claim him in the only way he never has. But even with Cas begging him to bite, to mark him up, Dean can't. This is Cas but it isn't quite Cas. They've never talked about this before, actually mating, and he can't do it when Cas isn't in his right mind.
So he settles for knotting him and then holding him until his heat flares back up.
It only lasts a couple days. Dean doesn't leave Cas' side the whole time, doing his best to care for his almost mate. But when it's over, it doesn't really stop him from leaving.
Dean tries not to be jealous of Meg. Cas gives her attention and it kills him, but he knows it's his own fault. Cas and him aren't even mates, first of all. And Meg was actually there for Cas. Took care of him when Dean wouldn't couldn't. So he just grits and bears it.
Not that Cas doesn't somehow pick up on it. Because he starts doing these weird little things. At first Dean is just fucking confused. "Why are you bringing me honey? Why did you cook me a burger? (Also, it's still raw so… not actually cooked.) Why are you trying to take off my shoes- No, I don't need a damn foot rub. No, Cas, I can wash my own clothes." And then there's the incident with the bees and the nakedness on the hood of the Impala that Dean guiltily tries not to jerk off to. (Minus the bees, obviously. But Cas naked on the Impala… he will never be able to forget that.)
Eventually he realizes Cas is just trying to take care of his alpha. Because he's a good omega and can smell Dean's frustration and anger and that little touch of despondent he can't shake. And sure, maybe the jealousy over Meg.
Though Dean's block-headed enough not to notice until Cas has him cornered in the bathroom. He drops to his knees and starts undoing Dean's belt before he knows what's happening. Before Cas gets his fly down, he's grabbing Cas' hands and asking him to stop. "Please, alpha," he begs, running his hands up and down Dean's thighs. "Let me take care of you." And yeah, okay, maybe Dean's dick is on board with the idea but it just doesn't feel right when Cas isn't really Cas. (Might never be Cas again, that dark corner of his mind whispering his worst fear.) It feels like taking advantage and with all the other shit on Dean's plate right now, he doesn't think he can handle that too.
Cas looks so fucking devastated but Dean's firm in his refusal.
One night Cas just appears in his bed, laid out on top of him and kissing him senseless. Again, Dean has to push the angel away. A frustrated little grunt. "Why won't you let me?" "Cuz this ain't you, Cas." "We were intimate before the Leviathan." "Yeah, but that doesn't solve the problem." It goes back and forth for a while, Cas just not getting Dean's hesitance. "You took care of me in he hospital." "Cas, you were in heat. You needed it, I was just trying to help." "How is this any different?"
Dean doesn't really know how to answer that. He's not really sure how it's different, he just knows that it is. Cas disagrees. Mercifully, he leaves.
Days pass without any word from him and Dean starts to worry. His nerves are shot and he really is at his breaking point. (He only really knows where that point is thanks to his tenure in Hell. Knows exactly how far he can go before he just snaps. It gets closer and closer every day.)
When he does See Cas again, he doesn't mean to snap at him, but he has fucking had it. Cas doesn't get to be broken right now, not when –Dean– the world needs him to have his shit together.
Cas says he's upset he keeps getting brought back. That being alive is a punishment, and Dean feels it. This is it. This is the fucking moment he breaks. He moves in on Cas' space, and he worries about the violence he feels behind it. Not quite in control, he grabs his lapels. He has no idea what he's about to do, until he's saying, "I'd rather have you, cursed or not." And then he's got him in a smothering, all-consuming kiss.
Turns out what broke was his ability to stay away from Cas.
For the first time since… well, he doesn't really know when, he feels whole. His lips on Cas', his arms around his mate. They just fit together and it's right. They forget about how they're probably going to die tomorrow. Dean gives in, completely gives in because he finally gets it. He doesn't care if Cas isn't quite the same because he's still Cas, still his best friend and his mate and he still loves him and fuck why did it take so long to figure out.
It's a mess so they use the trenchcoat. He kisses Cas silly as he works him open, licking the slick off his fingers before sliding in. They've fucked before. A lot. They've done it a variety of ways in a helluva lot of places. This is new, though. This is him making love to his mate. This is him accepting the good and the bad in him. Knowing it's a whole package and he wants it all.
He nuzzles Cas' neck, nose running along it because he knows if he uses his lips he won't be able to resist the urge to bite and claim. "Please, Dean," Cas asks. Like he knows. Dean snaps back a bit, looking into Cas' eyes to check. He can't mean it. They're clear and surprisingly lucid. Groaning, Dean just gives in. Moves in to that little expanse of neck he's been longing for these past few years and bites. Cas gasps underneath him, bucking up slightly before he's coming against their chests. Dean thinks he might be whimpering as he feels Cas convulse around him, tries to focus on feeling the heartbeat beneath him.
When Cas pushes him back and then bites down on his neck, it rips his orgasm right out of him. Because fuck he wasn't expecting that. Omegas don't mark alphas but oh god there's something about the idea of being marked as Cas' that just gets to him. That people will see him and just know. Fuck, he doesn't know if he's ever gonna come down from this high.
He does of course. Because he's still Dean and there's still the Leviathan to deal with. But it was nice while it lasted.
"Alright." He licks at the mark on Cas' neck before kissing all along his jaw. "Let's go save the world, I guess."