A short exploration of Roxas's BPD and how he and his lovers deal with it. Sort of. This is to potentially be part of a series of oneshots I wanna try writing for an AU.
Don't let this first one fool you, future additions will include memes
There was a time when Roxas was troubled.
Some days he would wake up on Xion's couch and feel bitterness. He'd not-so-subtly recoil from Axel's loving gaze, a distinct feeling that he was using them curling thickly in his gut. Some days they were his friends, and it was a wonder he could ever think of them as anything more. He'd nod to himself simply, knowing that the day before, when he'd thought so clearly that he wanted nothing less than this, he had been wrong. Only rarely was it such a comfortable revelation. Most times he was selfishly betraying their trust. He'd jump when Axel would brush an accidental hand along his back. He'd fidget uncomfortably when Xion would step a little closer than usual. No way he loved them like that. Roxas had been too caught up in the atmosphere that night, rolled up in his fluffy sleeping bag, contentedly engrossed in The 3AM Talk that had gradually become a staple of their sleepovers. No one passed out until The 3AM Talk was had. He'd spilled his heart too readily- Foolishly uttered words he didn't mean- Recklessly whispered promises of affection against foreign lips.
Some days he'd feel Axel's fingers on his, and his heart would swell with affection. Though he was usually more keen to take part in the fun with them, every now and then he would quietly sit back and watch his lovers laugh together, cheek in one hand and a goofy grin settled against his lips, wondering what on Earth he had done to deserve such a perfect life. Some of these days he carried himself with confidence, striding alongside his proud Two, knowing that the doubt of yesterday was a thing of the past. It had been silly to think their relationship was anything remotely shy of real. Roxas loved them both so much it hurt, and there wasn't a single place he'd rather be.
He would thank his lucky stars that he never acted on the skepticism of yesterday.
Some days, though few and far between, it didn't matter to him what they were. As long as he was there with his two best friends, what difference did a title make? Nothing was different. They just kissed more than most best friends. Hugged a little longer than probably necessary. He was content. "Romantic Days", as Roxas had, at one point, generically dubbed them, were a little too zealous for his tastes. He would think a little less about what he was doing before doing it- and honestly, he was such a hopeless romantic- the results of which were (on Not-"Romantic Days") incredibly embarrassing. The uneasiness he felt on Other Days seemed trivial. Pointless. It didn't even make sense to worry about something like that, to him, and he knew it on Those Days. His friends were his friends, and as long as they were all happy, nothing else really mattered.
Some days Roxas was one way, directly contradictory to what he might have said yesterday, or might say tomorrow. No matter the day, though, every emotion he felt was real and every one he didn't was not. He never knew which days to follow, which days to write off as episodes, or which days to scorn, because there wasn't an answer. It took an almost unrealistically long amount of time for the boy to come to the realization that maybe, just maybe, this wasn't quite 'normal'. Burdened with indecisiveness since the metaphorical Dawn of Time, he supposed he'd always assumed that such was a trial everyone must face.
He took his time dealing with this new information, reflecting on the past with no shortage of distress and mulling over how he could ipossibly/i begin explain his problem to Xion and Axel. It wasn't as if he was afraid, not exactly. Though still getting used to talking, and probably more jumpy than the average person, the knowledge that they loved him as much as he loved them (because that never changes, regardless of what form it takes) was thankfully tucked in a relatively stable corner of his mind. Roxas was simply hesitant. What if he explained something wrong and they didn't understand? What if he was wrong, and he was trying to convince himself? Maybe he wanted to believe there was a problem, because if there wasn't, then he was the jerk who took advantage of his friends' trust.
Okay, so maybe he was afraid. A little.
But surprisingly, or unsurprisingly, Axel and Xion took it quite well. Xion seemed a little more confused, but Axel might have also just acquiesced fast. Nonetheless, The 3AM Talk was decidedly focused that week. As it happened, the tallest of their trio had long since taken notice of Roxas's occasional hesitance, and had honestly been a little worried they had forced him into something he wasn't completely comfortable with. Of course, it was kind of a task to keep a grip on a concern like that when you were sent so many mixed signals, but suffice to say it wouldn't be a problem for much longer.
Nowadays, such uneasy times were few and far between. Roxas was comfortable in his environment, and Axel and Xion accepted that he may not always feel the same about them. When Roxas wants to be affectionate, he is, and when Roxas just wants to chill out as friends, they could respect that. At first it was a little bumpy, because they were all only human, and he still had doubts about the whole thing. Some days, he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to do this with them. Wasn't sure he wanted to do this to them. He was just being selfish. Sitting on his little fence and leaning between two yards all the time was… it was rude. And it wasn't as if they didn't have to get used to it, either. Sure, there probably wasn't an aspect about their relationship that wasn't considered "weird", but boundaries and things still took some time to clear up.
And really, it was only natural that such a deep-seated hesitance (because it wasn't as if this was the first thing he'd been so emotionally turbulent about) took as long as it did to calm down.
What mattered most was that Roxas was happy with Axel and Xion.
Even if his heart still accelerated 50mph when Axel patted his shoulder (god damn it all), or even if he still occasionally gaped like a fish (in lieu of words when he hadn't expected to be spoken to) he knew that no matter what form it took, the three of them were a team, and he loved it dearly.