Secret Disires & Fears (Intro)

Timing: Before arriving in England after her mother's death ('A Great and Terrible Beauty' pg. 15).

I am Gemma Doyle. I have decided to keep this little book as a log of my dreams and possibley some thoughts about them. This is a very odd time for me, a part of me doesn't believe my mother died and that I may see her when I get up in the morning. I can not say what is compelling me to do this, but I feel I must. With what I have seen already, I feel asthough anything is possible.

Lately I have seen the death of my mother replayed in my mind, over and over. It is painful to watch, but my only other choice is to go without sleep. I doubt this would do me much good, I believe myself mad as it is.

In between there has been some old happy memories; playing with my mom as I was young, her singing to me when I couldn't get to sleep, laughing at an interesting display in the marketplace. However happy these are, they seem to bring the tears faster than the nightmares.

It seems almost ironic as to how I am now headed to England, as I wished so dearly to go to before. It is a forgotten wish now, all I want is to see my mother's face now, I suppose it is useless to wish for soemthing like this.

That will be all for now. I must try to get sleep, and hope for better dreams.

G-1

Timing: Some time after Gemma met Kartik in the chapel ('A Great and Terrible Beauty' pg.77-82).

I am running along, through the woods that seem to surround Spence. It seems to be dark, but I do not notice, I just keep going.

I don't really understand where I'm running to, or why, but I don't think about questions, I'm not really thinking actually, just running. Running as fast as I can, no fear strangly enough, no emotions.

I don't recognise any of my surroundings, but that doesn't seem to bother me. I don't believe I have a destination, I'm just getting away, thats all thats important to me.

My feet are bare and step hastily over dry leaves that cover the ground. I wear a simple dress, white, but not prefectly so, its torn a bit from the out streched branches and dirtied from dirt.

I see faces looming at me from behind the trees, faces unknown to me. I do not try to see what they're doing, or why they are looking at me so. They make me feel uncomfortable, Kartik's words ring in my head and they just make me go faster.

"We'll be watching you, Miss Doyle."

Suddenly I stop, I'm not in the woods anymore. I am in a completely different place. I have never seen it before, yet it seems midly fimilar. It is extremely beautiful, I couldn't have ever seen anything like it before. A warm breeze picks up and sends pleasant shivers up my spine. The sun shines down onto me, almost as a spot light it seems.

My heart slows down to a soft, gentle beat. I am relaxed, though I have yet to know why.

"Gemma..."

Its a very fimilar voice, but it takes me a minute to realize who it is speaking. It is my mother.

"Mama?" I call back to it, I start to run again, towards the voice. "Mother!" I call out once again.

"Come Gemma..." her voice calls, but I can not be sure which way her voice is coming from.

"Mama!" my voice sounds distressed even to my own ears, I can not find her, I run faster in spite.

I start to hear her say something to me again before everything is pitch black. I gasp in alarm and stay totally still. My heart starts to race a bit more again.

Kartik's face can suddenly be seen infront of me. An unknown feeling sweeps over me, I can not describe it correctly.

"Close your mind."

I find myself sitting up in my bed, shivering slightly. I quickley regain my wit and look over to Ann, to see if she has noticed any of this. To my relief she is sleeping soundly, even snoring a little. A small smile crossed my lips as I sink back into bed, glad that she remains asleep.

My smile emdiatly fades as I remember mother's voice in my dream. I miss her so much. Tears nip at my eyes, but I hold back.

My mind strays to Kartik. How have I found him in my own dreams? I doubt I am in his. I feel asthough he has an advantage, he seems to know much more about me than I do about him and he also seems to understand whats happening to me even more than I do. It isn't fair at all.