A/N: So, I just re-watched one of the saddest scenes ever of Supernatural; Dean's confession. I wanted to write a little one-shot ficlet of Dean's emotions before, and during his confession to Sam.
Disclaimer: I am not EK, so therefore I own nothing.
Confessions
"I'm Sorry."
I couldn't do it.
No matter how much I wanted to save Anna, no matter how much we had in common; I just couldn't do it. I couldn't lose Sam, not again. That's what got us into this mess in the first place; my cowardness… I couldn't deal with losing Sam. He's my brother, and it was and always will be my job to look after him no matter what; demon blood or not.
They made me choose between Sam and Anna. I had to betray her. No matter how much it stung, I couldn't sacrifice my brother for her. It stung the most when she forgave me. Even when we had a plan to save her, it still hurt.
"Dean, Dean, Dean, I am so disappointed! You had such promise!"
I could hear Alistair mutter, annoyed after I had hit him upside the head with a crowbar, saving Castiel. I couldn't let him to that to Castiel; not that I like him or anything; it's just that if I ever want answers I couldn't let it happen. He could take chuckles if he wanted; I wouldn't mind that. At the same moment though, I knew I was busted. I knew at the first opportunity Sam would strike, pounding be with so many questions about my time down under.
I was scarred. I had done things that weren't forgivable. How Castiel or Uriel could even stand to be in the room with me, I don't know. Maybe that's why they pulled me out; because I would be more of a liability to them that way than I would be living. Speaking of liabilities, I had to prevent Sam from becoming one. I knew there would come a day when Uriel just might take the plunge. So help me if he does…
In the end, we got Anna her grace back, and Alastair is gone… For now.
"I know you heard him."
I began; I was conflicted with emotions on whether or not to tell Sam. I didn't want to tell him, I didn't want him to know the monster I had become; my weakness, my inability to fight until the end. I didn't want to scare him.
"Who?"
"Alastair, what he said, about how I had promise."
"I heard him."
"You're not curious?"
"Dean, I'm damn curious, but you're not talking about hell, and I'm not pushing."
I knew it was coming. I knew I had to tell him, not matter how scared I was of letting him see my inner monstrosity. I couldn't face him though, I couldn't bear to see the disappointed look on his face after I said all there was to say. Especially once the tears brimmed over.
"It wasn't four months you know."
"What?"
"It was four months up here, but down there… I don't know, time's different; but it was more like forty years."
"My God…"
I was building myself up, I could remember everything, clear as a bell. I remember the pain, the indescribable pain that they inflicted on me every second of every minute of every hour of the day.
"They uh… They sliced, carved, and tore me in ways that you… Until there was nothing left. And then suddenly, I would be whole again, like magic. Just so they could start again all over... And Alastair, at the end of every day, every one, he would come over and make me an offer to take me off the rack, if I put souls on. If I started the torture… And every day, I told him to stick it where the sun shines…"
As I went on, I felt myself breaking. It became harder and harder to keep myself from breaking down, and I still refused to look at Sam. I could feel him watching me, listening to my every word.
"For thirty years I told him… But then I couldn't do it anymore, Sammy, I couldn't. And I got off that rack, God help me I got right off it, and I started ripping them apart. I lost count of how many souls…"
I couldn't stop it anymore… I broke down in front of Sam, and let the cascading tears fall down my face. Sam was silent, and I couldn't take it. I couldn't take the thought of Sam thinking of me as a monster; but that's what I had become. A monster.
"The things that I did to them…"
"Dean…Dean, look, you held out for thirty years. That's longer than anyone would have."
I could hear his voice finally. It was disappointed in me at all… Instead he was merciful and compassionate; trying to tell me how strong I was, when all I felt like was hiding my hideous face in a closet somewhere. I tried to pull it back together for Sam, trying to wipe the tears away, as if that would stop them from flowing; but I just couldn't.
"How I feel, this… Inside me… I wish I couldn't feel anything inside me Sammy, I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing."
I kept my stare away from Sam; I couldn't look at him, especially not in the condition I was in. He knew the truth. He knew everything, and somehow he was forgiving, and kind, like I hadn't even done the things I did, like he felt sorry for me for what I went through. I just wanted to end the internal pain, and guilt. I stared at the ground, my beer shaking in my trembling hand as I fought to keep myself as composed as possible. I would get past this… Somehow I would get past this for Sam.
The End
A/N: So, what'd you think? Sad? Terrible? Awesome? I'm dying to know what you guys thought! If I get good reviews, maybe I'll do a scene between Sam and Dean afterwards in a motel room or something? Note: I really did mean to put "I was scarred" he had many scars from his memories down under, that was intentional, not a typo.
I am doing the motel scene, it will just be a different story, called: More Than I can Bear.