Hey, this is Saddie, if you came here looking for my usual style of fluffy writing, you should leave. This is possibly the darkest thing I've ever written and it does not have a happy ending, I repeat, THIS DOES NOT HAVE A HAPPY ENDING!!! What spawned this fic was a sudden unexplainable fascination I had with the Kagome x Inu-Yasha x Kikyo love triangle. This is a dark twist that I decided would fit quite nicely. And yes, this is a song-fic to Evanescence's 'Breathe No More' don't let the fact that it's a song-fic put you off. Now that you've been adequately warned, let's begin:
Warnings (a.k.a- Your last chance to turn back) - Slight Kikyo-bashing from Kagome's Point of View, Major angst, Major CHARACTER DEATH, Self-Mutilation, Possible OOCness, Bitch!Kikyo, Insane!Kagome, Oblivious!Inu-yasha and Irritating as Hell!Sota
Disclaimer- I don't own Inu-Yasha and after you read this you'll see why...
Final Note- Please keep in mind that by the end of this Kagome has completely lost her mind, so blame all OOCness on that, ne?
Breathe No More
Authoress- Saddie
Song- Breathe No More
Artist- Evanescence
.:I've been looking in the mirror for so long:.
An uneasy chill ran up and down Kagome's spine, she stopped, trying to discern this uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach. Inu-Yasha was by her side in an instant, cleverly disguised worry plain in his topaz eyes.
"Kagome, is something wrong? Is Naraku nearby? Is there a jewel shard?" the hanyou asked, placing a strong hand on each of her shoulders. Kagome shook her head; she knew what it was… Inu-Yasha would soon know as well, there was no need to inform him. As though on cue his silver head snapped up, the change in the wind's direction had placed them directly downwind from her, making it child's play for Inu-Yasha's acute nose to pick up her scent.
"Kikyo…" he muttered, probably not even aware he had said anything at all. It was said quietly, but apparently everyone had heard it, judging from the pitying looks on all of their faces. Kagome scowled; she was tired of their stupid pity! No, it wasn't their faults… it was Kikyo's! That stupid priestess who just wouldn't stay dead! Chocolate brown eyes darkened, Kikyo… her double… her ancestor… her competitor… It was the most eerie thing, looking at Kikyo was like looking into a mirror. Kagome didn't want Inu-Yasha to pay attention to her just because she looked like his dead lover.
Miroku quirked an eyebrow, he didn't like that look in the midnight-haired priestess' eyes…
Inu-Yasha snapped out of his daze, oblivious to the tense at atmosphere. He looked around in what he seemed to believe was an inconspicuous way. Slowly his hands withdrew from Kagome's shoulders.
"I'm going to go scout ahead," the hanyou stated suddenly, raven hair slid over to cover coca eyes. Sango flinched away from the enraged Higurashi, "Inu-Yasha, would you like me to come with you?" she asked, desperate for an excuse to escape. The half-dog sighed and the demon slayer knew what the answer would be: "No. I'd rather go alone."
.:That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side:.
Kagome was frustrated, she knew why he wanted to go alone; he wasn't scouting ahead, he was going to see her. It wasn't fair! Whenever she came along Inu-Yasha would do whatever it took just to get a glimpse of her, but even when Kagome would do something extra special for him, he would just find something to complain about. Kikyo was just Kagome's soul in a mud body, what was so appealing about that?!
By the time the midnight-haired priestess had snapped out of her seething contemplation the hanyou was gone, off to see the muddy bitch.
"Kagome? Is something the matter? You've been standing like a statue for a while?" the sweet voice of Shippo inquired. Kagome slapped on a fake smile and squatted down so she could more-or-less see the fox demon eye to eye. She placed a slender hand on his light brown hair and stroked him soothingly.
"I'm fine Shippo, I think I'm going to go gather some medicinal herbs, I was just trying to remember what we're getting low on," she assured the young demon. Shippo beamed and bounded off, probably going to play with Kilala.
Kagome felt somewhat bad for lying to her friend, but she couldn't very well tell him she was going to spy on Inu-Yasha, could she?
So quietly, she slipped out of view of her team and into the surrounding forest.
Inu-Yasha's trail was easy enough to follow, apparently in his haste he hadn't bothered to cover his tracks. As the young priestess walked, various scenarios played out in her mind, all the things that they could be doing when she showed up. Should she let them know she's there? What if they're kissing?
.:All the little pieces falling, shatter:.
Sooner than she expected the muffled sounds of talking reached her ears. With an unreal grace Kagome darted behind a tree and peeked out to make sure she had found who she was looking for. As she had expected Inu-Yasha and Kikyo were standing there, Kikyo was turned as though to leave. Kagome's heart leapt, maybe it was over! It didn't look like anything had happened between them, in fact, Kikyo looked angry. The younger priestess gave a soft sigh of relief and slid down the tree trunk until her bottom hit dirt.
"The girl, tell me what she means to you, or I'm leaving," the willowy voice of Kikyo demanded, breaking the silence. Kagome shot up, what girl? Could they be talking about her? She held her breath in anticipation of how Inu-Yasha would answer.
"Kagome?" he asked.
"Yes, my reincarnation," if it hadn't meant her death Kagome would have willed her heart to stop, just so she could hear his reply, they were talking about her! She heard shuffling footsteps and once again peeked from her hiding place to see what was happening.
She slapped her hand over her mouth just in time to stop a strangled sob as she watched Inu-Yasha capture Kikyo in a protective embrace.
"She means nothing to me, at least, not compared to you," apparently satisfied with that answer Kikyo got on her toes and planted a loving kiss on his lips.
Kagome hoped a piece of her mud would break off and choke him, her fists clenched and unclenched angrily and tears blinded her vision, while a veil of red did the same to her judgment.
.:Shards of me,
Too sharp to put back together:.
Slowly she stood and stepped into plain sight, but the two she was watching were too wrapped up in each other to notice her. The raven-haired girl cleared her throat as a way of gaining their attention.
There was a small glint of satisfaction as she watched Inu-Yasha freeze, the look on his face equivalent of a child being caught with his hand in the cookie jar. With jerky movements he turned to face her, Kikyo did the same. Normally, Kagome would have lost it at the look of smug satisfaction on her ancestor's face, but she only had eyes for Inu-Yasha.
"How much did you see?" he asked unsurely. The tears wouldn't stop flowing, no matter how hard she willed them to, like a silent stream they flowed down her porcelain cheeks. Inu-Yasha took a step forward and opened his mouth as though to say something, but Kagome held a hand up, effectively silencing him. Her voice was cold when she replied:
"I saw enough." With that she turned on her heel and stormed back the way she had come. After a subdued farewell the nervous hanyou followed suit.
The trip back was awkward; the tenseness was so thick it was almost tangible.
"Listen, Kagome, I-"
"No! You listen! All you ever do is talk, trying to explain why you made some stupid decision! It's too late to try and keep playing both of us, who do you choose; me or Kikyo."
Inu-Yasha looked dumbstruck for a moment before coming to his senses.
"I don't think I can choose right now," he admitted softly, within his voice was a silent plea for understanding and forgiveness. Kagome either didn't notice or didn't care to acknowledge it.
"Then I've nothing more to say to you," she said simply and continued walking at a brisker pace. Inu-Yasha stayed a few steps behind her at all times. It didn't make sense; he had thought that to be an adequate answer! The hanyou's mind was in turmoil, was he supposed to go and reassure her, or give her space; comfort wasn't exactly his strong point.
Finally they arrived at the camp that Sango and Miroku had managed to set up while they were away. Shippo was on them in a second; he leapt onto Kagome's shoulder and began talking rapidly.
"So, did you get everything you needed? It doesn't seem like it, you have nothing in your hands! When did you run into Inu-Yasha? That must have been a nice surprise! Ooooh, were you two too busy doing other things to get your job done?" at this last accusation a light brown eyebrow arched.
For once Inu-Yasha didn't get defensive and smack Shippo over the head, this in itself was unnerving, but what Kagome said next put them all over the edge…
"I'm going home… And never coming back."
.:Too small to matter,
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces:.
Everything seemed to darken. Kagome knew right about now everyone was questioning whether they heard correctly, so she repeated herself. Finally it seemed to sink in and everyone snapped into action. All at once they started talking, asking, begging, pleading with her not to go; but she waved each of them away. It had all been leading up to this, in the end she knew it would end up like this… Inu-Yasha had taken her for granted for the last time.
Strangely enough, through all of this he had remained silent; a sort of calm had come over him. A silent conviction, it seemed to say, 'What will come, will come.'
Somehow, this got Kagome even angrier, how dare he stand there like it has nothing to do with him?! Well, this was his last chance to make amends, and if he wasn't going to take it, then this was really it.
With one final goodbye she was gone, jogging in the direction of the bone-eater's well. One final look around was all it took to make up her mind, with no regrets she leapt in, never to return.
From the trees nearby someone was watching, pale lips turned upwards in a smirk, Finally, Inu-Yasha is mine…
Kagome crawled out of her side of the well with minimum trouble and started towards her home.
"Hey sis, what're you doing back? Did Inu-Yasha come with you?" Sota called from somewhere to her right. Kagome visibly stiffened at the mentioning of Inu-Yasha, but Sota plowed on ignorantly: "Did you two have a fight or something? That seems to happen a lot, you know? Maybe you should go get some counseling!" the younger boy laughed at his joke and bounded off, probably to go torture Buyo.
Too soon Kagome felt the soothing sting of tears race down her cheeks and drip from her chin in a steady rhythm. Slowly she made her way to their shrine-home, waving half-heartedly at her grandfather before stumbling up the stairs and to her room.
The rice-paper door slid shut behind her and she flopped ungracefully onto the rose-pink bed. The soft blankets felt like sandpaper to her inflamed skin.
Kagome reached up to scratch at her face, all of a sudden she felt very itchy and hot… so very hot. A fog seemed to have settled in front of her eyes, her wrists tingled and there seemed to be a slimy film in the back of throat.
As though in a trance the midnight-haired youth rose from her bed and glided into the bathroom. She had to wash her face, she was burning up!
Unsurely her hands slid across the counter-top looking for the cold water switch.
"Ai!" she gasped as her hand instead came into contact with the sharp edge of her mother's razorblade. But, for a moment, as she watched her blood slowly ooze from that small cut, everything became painstakingly clear; how they had used her, each and every one of them. How they had only wanted her for her jewel detection powers, but most of all… how she had let them. Even Kouga had only wanted her abilities…
The self hatred she felt at that very moment surpassed anything she had ever felt before, so, with trembling hands, she picked up that same blade.
.:I f I try to touch her,
And I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe no more:.
In long strokes, slowly becoming more confident, she left shallow, oozing slashes all up and down her forearm. Each slash made the world a little less painful, a little more bearable. Most importantly, each slash punished her for her ignorance, her naivety. For a second, she even wondered if Kikyo could feel this pain; this wonderful, curing pain that seemed to carry away all of her stress with the steadily falling beads of blood that wound around her wrist like snakes. Stealing her life away.
Inu-Yasha heaved a heavy sigh; he had been doing that a lot in the short time since Kagome had left. He knew he should go after her, but somehow, this just felt right. Kagome had never really belonged here; she would be safer back in her own world. And now… he felt as though a rather large weight had been lifted from his chest, he didn't have to choose, to tip-toe around as though he were a criminal. He was free.
Of course, he hadn't failed to notice the absolutely venomous looks the monk and the demon slayer had been shooting him, but they were probably just angry that he hadn't gone after Kagome yet. Little did they no, he never would, that loudmouthed priestess would have to make good on her threat for once.
A soft rustling in a nearby patch of grass informed him of a presence that he had missed while lost in his thoughts. The hanyou turned, ready to chew out whomever it was that dared to disturb him while he was thinking.
His words caught in his throat however, when he saw the source of the disturbance.
"Kikyo…" he breathed, as though her very presence hypnotized him, as it probably did.
"Where is she? My reincarnation?" the dead priestess inquired, ignoring his awed murmur. The half-demon shook his head and a depressed air overtook his usual one of headstrong cockiness.
"She… left…" he admitted. Kikyo struggled to remain impassive and not allow a triumphant smirk to take her features.
"I see, but, usually this does not bother you so, why this time?" she asked, feigning innocence.
"She's… gone… for good," he answered dutifully, like the good little doggy he is. Kikyo nodded as though the news was a shock to her and settled herself at on the log Inu-Yasha was perched on and snuggled closer to him.
"But, if nothing else, now we can be alone…"
.:Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirits well:.
Kagome pulled the bandages around her wrists tighter, giving a twisted smirk when spots of crimson began to seep through. Over the past few days she had begun to grow more daring with her cutting, going deeper and closer to major arteries, but never enough to kill, no, not yet at least. There were even some cuts on the soft flesh of her stomach and inner thighs that certainly weren't there last week.
Kagome was aware that her family was worried about her, even though she kept up her schoolwork and never once complained about problems in the Feudal Era, there was a certain glimmer in her eyes, an insane spark. A spark that made crowds part for her and people on the street give her a wide berth when passing; well, that and the fact that she never bothered to wear wristbands to hide her work. By some strange miracle, no one in her house had noticed yet. In her mind that just confirmed how little they actually cared.
She took another deep breath; it had taken all of her willpower to keep from just ending it already. No one would care, so what was stopping her? Hope, that's what. Every morning before she got ready for school she would think, 'maybe today's the day! Maybe Inu-Yasha does care and will come for me. But with every passing day her optimism faded more and more.
"Good morning mother," Kagome greeted with a replication of the old cheer she used to speak with. Her mother accepted this with a warm smile and a wave.
The black-haired priestess sighed and took one last wistful glance at the shrine that housed the well before going to meet her friends.
The four girls traded greetings happily and took off to school.
.:Yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child:.
"Inu-Yasha! It's been a week! You have to go get her!!" Shippo cried, on the verge of tears. Inu-Yasha just grunted and returned to eating his fish. The diminutive fox demon growled in frustration. He had been like this ever since Kagome had left, it was obvious he missed her, so why couldn't he just go apologize?
It was about this time that Sango decided to take a crack at it, "Listen, Inu-Yasha, Kagome can't still be angry for what ever it is you did to upset her, you should just go and make amends," the soft voice of the demon slayer reasoned. Another grunt, this one of annoyance.
"Why did you automatically think I did something wrong?" the stubborn hanyou grumbled. Miroku rolled his eyes and answered, "Inu-Yasha, we are not assuming anything, I think what Sango meant by that was… Kagome is a very proud individual, and she won't want to make the first move, so you should be the bigger man and apologize," the monk explained, Sango nodded in agreement. This seemed to only anger Inu-Yasha.
"And I don't have pride? Is that what you're saying?" he snarled, before jumping to his feet and storming away. Miroku gently reached out to grasp Sango's hand.
"I believe we just made things worse…" he sighed, once again Sango nodded in concurrence.
Inu-Yasha flitted from tree to tree. He didn't know where he was going, all he knew is he had to escape. Escape from their accusing eyes and silent questions. They knew what happened, there was no denying it… The guilt… it was killing him, slowly, from the inside out…
Somehow or another he wound up at the bone-eaters web. His mind wandered back to the day when he had first met Kagome, he remembered hoe beautiful she had looked, with the sun framing her like an aura.
Without really thinking about it he plunged into the well, he didn't know what his intentions were, but he had to see her… at least one more time.
.:Lie to me,
Convince me that I've been sick forever:.
It all looked the same as it did the first time he had come to the 'Present'. Except this time, there seemed to be a heavy, black cloud shadowing the area. Inu-Yasha leapt up to Kagome's window, hoping that she'd be back from school by now. Much to his disappointment the room was empty, save for Buyo, who was passed out in the middle of that hideously coloured bed.
The flashing box on a small table under the window read: 12:30, didn't Kagome say something about lunch at that time? The hanyou nodded as though agreeing with himself, he would go to school to see her, to apologize; though for what he still wasn't sure.
By the time he reached the large rectangular building it was 12:40, still plenty of time.
Inu-Yasha stood in the uppermost branches of a tree hidden amongst the dense foliage, his keen eyes were frantically searching the teeming crowd for a familiar face.
There she was! Surrounded by those humans she called friends. In one leap he was out of the tree and practically flying across the ground towards her.
"Kagome!" he cried, clearing a small group. She looked towards him and he almost stopped dead. Her eyes… They-they weren't Kagome's… they couldn't be! They were so… so cold… and… lifeless. A flash of anger passed through those empty orbs as he came into view and an ugly scowl marred her features. Despite the furious look on her face, she strode calmly over to him and politely demanded:
"What the hell are you doing here?"
Inu-Yasha stood, dumbstruck, since when did Kagome talk like that? To him least of all!
Chocolate orbs tore into him, ripping apart his insides, leaving him suddenly feeling cold and very alone in this strange world. Were they always this empty? Didn't they ever sparkle with life, or shine with laughter? Was this all… his fault…?
"Kagome, listen, please," he began, but once again he was silenced by her hand.
"Now is neither the time nor the place," she ground out, not once did those eyes break contact from his own.
"No Kagome, we have to talk. Now," he left no room for argument as he wrapped an arm around her waist (was she always this thin?) and darted away, not caring who saw.
He flitted from roof to roof, ignoring the insistent pounding of small fists on his back. He only stopped when he reached an empty alley and deposited his squirming captive.
"What's the meaning of this?" she demanded in a frightening monotone. Inu-Yasha hesitated, his mouth suddenly feeling very dry.
"We want you to come back… please…"
.:But I know the difference,
Between myself and my reflection:.
"Lies."
"What?!"
"I don't want to hear any more of your lies!"
"What are you talking about?" Inu-Yasha yelled, more than a little flustered. Tears had begun to stream from Kagome's eyes and there didn't seem to be anything he could do to stop it. "Kagome, answer me!"
"You only want me for my priestess abilities!" Kagome sobbed hysterically, she had collapsed onto his chest and was weakly striking at him with her fists.
"That's-"
"Didn't I tell you I don't want to hear it? Why don't you just get Kikyo to track them down for you? I'm sure she'd be happy to."
Inu-Yasha was in shock, so that's what this was about! Ok, so maybe he had been harsh back there, but still, he hadn't meant what he had said.
"Kagome, I didn't mean what I said back there…" he murmured into her ear, the young priestess clutched at his scarlet kimono, the colour of fresh blood…
"Then why did you say it?" she snarled. The hanyou shook his head helplessly, what could he say, there was no reasoning with her right now. But it felt nice… to have her in his arms again.
"Will you answer something for me?" she asked, Inu-Yasha nodded eagerly, happy for a change of subject, only the realizing that she couldn't see it with her face buried in his chest.
"Yes, anything."
.:I just can't help but to wonder,
Which of us do you love:.
"Who do you love; me or Kikyo? There's no running away this time," Kagome repeated her question from a week ago softly. Inu-Yasha hesitated for a mere second, but that was all it took. The priestess pushed herself away and backed up.
"Get away from me," she growled, her voice returned to that expressionless tone. The tears that had only just stopped started up again, you'd think after a certain amount of time a person would run out of tears to cry, but that didn't seem to be the case.
Without so much as a nod of the head she was gone, once again, Inu-Yasha only watched as she ran. She had given him something to think about. Who did he love? It wouldn't be long until Kikyo grew tired of this game as well and he would be left alone. He darted away to do some thinking.
Kagome ran until her lungs were burning and her legs felt like jelly. Though, somehow, she felt as though she deserved this pain; once again she had let that stupid dog play with her heart… It was time… time to end it.
With that comforting thought in mind she made her way to her house, up the stairs and into her room. she opened that all too familiar drawer where she kept her most treasured possession. The well-kept razorblade glinted menacingly in the dim light, an unspoken deal, a promise of release.
.:So I bleed,
I bleed:.
Inu-Yasha sat at the edge of a stream, watching as the crystalline water rushed past. Conflicting thoughts battled each other in his troubled mind. Who did he love? No, it was obvious he loved both… but who did he love more?
You only love Kagome because she reminds you of Kikyo… a taunting voice sneered, the hanyou shook his head, no. No… He loved Kagome for herself, not because she looked like Kikyo, it was her personality that drew him in; that sweet, motherly nature that he had so foolishly taken for granted. And Kikyo, she was dead, and no matter what he wanted to believe, she wasn't coming back.
Yes. he had made his decision.
.:And I breathe,
I breathe no…:.
Kagome brought the razor down upon the bare flesh of her wrist, making a jagged gash. This was it, there was no turning back, judging by the amount of blood there was she had succeeded in hitting something major.
There was a terrified scream, Kagome would have smiled had she been able to; someone must have found her…
.:Bleed,
I bleed:.
Inu-Yasha watched from his perch outside Kagome's bedside window as her family scurried around the bloody mess that was the priestess. Paramedics had arrived almost as soon as they had been called. But despite all of their efforts, it was too late. The scent of death had crept into this place long ago, and it was his indecisiveness that had caused it.
.:And I breathe,
I breathe,
I breathe-:.
As her mind shut down and her heart slowed Kagome could have sworn he saw a splash of silver somewhere outside her window. As the darkness slowly overtook her vision she was sure, Inu-Yasha was there. She was also sure of one other thing…
She had made a mistake… and it had cost her everything…
.:I breathe no more:.
"I love you…" and with that, he was gone.
One final warning for those of you who two-time, don't play with other's emotions for the heart is a dangerous thing and you could end up loosing everything you fought so hard to keep.
----------------
Saddie- So, what'd ya think? I had a lot of angsty thoughts lately, so I decided to put them to good use! Erm... A few final notes:
1- Why doesn't Inu-Yasha ask Sesshy-sama to bring Kagome back?
There are two reasons for this. First: Sesshy-sama, being the 'too cool for thou' person he is would say no. Second: That would mean I would have to write a sequel, which I'm not planning on doing.
2- What happened to Kikyo?
Well, I'll leave that to you're imaginations. Maybe she and Inu-Yasha lived happily ever after, or maybe he went back over and killed her, whatever you want. -shrugs-
3- Do you have a happier Inu-Yasha fic planned?
Why how nice of you to ask! Well, as a matter of fact, I do! It's a SesshyKouga (That's right, yaoi) with side-pairings of InuKago and MiroSango! It should be making its debut soon!
Until next time, I'm your loyal authoress, Saddie! Please review! They keep me sane!