A/N: Okay, so, my friend and I have been working on this during our photography class for the last couple weeks. It's our baby. After seeing the Twilight movie, we almost died due to the horrendous acting and awful script. So, we decided we needed to make a spoof movie. And, voila, Twilyte: A Spoof, was born. It's not finished, obviously. There are some running jokes in it. Feedback is love.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight series, I do not own the Twilight movie or any of its merchandise. That's a big, fat DUH.
x
Scene 1: Bella's room—morning in Forks.
Bella: waking up. (narration) It was raining… in Forks. I moved here from Spoons, Arizona so my vivacious, scatterbrained mother and… Phil can have a life of their own. Isn't that so selfless of me?
Bella goes downstairs, into the kitchen. Beer cans cover the floor. She trudges through to the note on the back door which reads, Bells—went to work. BBL.
Bella: looking down—way to go, chief.
Scene 2: Parking lot.
Bella: At least it's not raining… opens door, rain starts pouring. Oh…
Mike: appears holding an umbrella. Hi, you're the new girl, right? (Umbrella plays in background) he tries to grab her hand.
Bella: ...get off.
Jessica: waits at the driver's seat for Mike to come over with the umbrella-ella-ella. Mike… it's raining.
Mike: Hey Jess.
Jess: Mike. It's. Raining.
Mike: Should have brought an umbrella.
Jess: stutters and stands there.
Scene 3: Cafeteria.
Mike: talking a lot about his cats. can be improv.
The Cullens Enter.
Bella: Who are they?
Jess: (with disdain) They're the Cullens.
Bella: Are they always in slow motion?
Scene 3.1: The Cullen Table
Edward: staring creepily at Bella.
Alice: Go talk to her. I know you two will get along swimmingly.
Rosalie: Are you serious? Really—Edward, are you serious?
Emmett: IS IT A HOT GIRL?!
Rosalie: Emmett, are you serious?
Emmett: I'M JUST LOOKING OUT FOR EDWARD!
Background Person (Mia): SHUT UP!
Rosalie: Emmett, seriously? Way to be discreet. Honestly? Seriously.
Scenes cut back between Bella staring at Edward and Edward staring back. Rosalie cuts in occasionally and asks, "SRSLY?"
Scene 4.1: Biology
Bella walks in on time and stands awkwardly at the front of the room.
Mr. Banner: Have a seat by Mr. Cullen over there.
Bella walks over.
Edward starts looking like he's going to explode.
She covers her face with her hair.
Edward starts twitching
Bella: (narration) I knew I should have showered this morning…
Edward runs out, bell rings.
Scene 5: Gym
Bella walks in and gets hit in the head with a volleyball.
Rosalie: Srsly?
Mike: rushes over. Oh my gosh are you okay? Do you need help? DO YOU NEED MOUTH TO MOUTH?!?! Puts his hand on her cheek.
Bella: …get off.
Jessica: runs by and purposely trips. Mike! Help me!
Mike: Get up.
Scene 6: Front Office
Edward: But… but she smells.
Ms. Cope: That's not a legitimate reason. NEXT QUESTION.
Edward: I see there's nothing you can do.
Edward leaves.
Bella walks up to the desk, arms squeezed to her sides uncomfortably.
Scene 7: Bella's Room
Bella is sleeping. Thunder cracks.
She wakes up, startled, and looks to the corner.
Edward is standing creepily by her window.
Confused, Bella turns the light on.
When she looks back, Edward is gone and so are her pants.
Scene 8: School Montage
Bella: (narration) Edward hasn't been in school for days. I'm kind of hoping he shows up today since I actually showered.
This is said over cuts of Bella sitting in her classes, doodling random I 3 Edward themed doodles in her notebook.
Scene 9: Cafeteria
Bella and company sitting at table. She looks forlornly at the empty Cullen table. "Baby Come Back" from the mop commercial plays in the background.
Bella: Where are the Cullens?
Jessica: Camping, probably. They do that a lot… freaks.
Bella: Camping?
Jessica: Yea… I'd let Edward Cullen take me camping any day.
Bella: growls
Jessica: …the fuck?
Scene 10: Parking Lot
Mike: Hey Bella! We're going to the beach soon, do you want to come with?
Bella: But it's always raining…
Mike: You could wear a bikini…
Bella: It's too cold for a bikini.
Mike: I could warm you up… he puts his hand on her waist.
Bella: …get off.
Scene 11: Bella's House
Bella: Hey Ch-Dad! I'm home.
Charlie: from couch in living room. Beer?
Bella: How's the beach this time of year?
Charlie: Rain… and beer. It's raining beer.
Bella: Dad—that wasn't my ques—
Charlie: Beer… Everywhere.
Bella: looking around, acknowledging the cans all over. Yea, dad, you should really clean this up…
Charlie: You drink that… before you… put it down.
Bella: Good talk, dad.
Scene 12: Biology.
EDWARD'S BACK! OMGLOLZ!!!!2111?!1013191!!!
Edward: Hello. I'm Edward Cullen. I enjoy fluffy romantic comedies, long walks on the beach and feasting on animal flesh.
Bella: dazed. Yea…?
Edward: Oh, and I really like watching you sleep.
Bella: Wait, what?
Edward: Feasting on animal flesh.
Bella: Oh, okay.
Edward: How do you feel about the sun?
Bella: It's overrated.
Edward: What about glitter? Do things dazzle you?
Bella: Frequently.
Edward: Tell me about yourself. I want to know everything.
Bella: My mom's flighty and eccentric. She married a shitty baseball player so I shipped myself here from Phoenix so they could have a life. I'm selfless. Charlie's an alcoholic and it's always totally miserable here. Not much to tell.
Edward: You're from Phoenix?
Bella: Yep.
Edward: But you're almost as pale as I am.
Bella: I don't really want to talk about it.
Edward: What else? Do you like it here?
Bella: I hate it here. It rains too much. There's no hope for my happiness. The dementors have been through these parts all ready.
Edward: The whats?
Bella: Dementors. Haven't you read Harry Potter?
Edward: Are they in any way, shape or form related to vampires and/or werewolves?
Bella: Um... no?
Edward: Tell me more.
Bella: It's my turn. What about your creepy ass family?
Edward: There's Emmett, who's huge and obnoxious and his sister-wife Rosalie. She's kind of an egotistical whore. Next we have Alice, who's just a little freak. Then there's Jasper who's having a little trouble adjusting to our lifestyle.
Bella: You mean incest?
Edward: No, feasting on animal flesh.
Bella: Oh.
Edward: So, how's Charlie adjusting to life with a daughter?
Bella: He's… adjusting.
Cut to Charlie passed out on the couch with a beer can in his hand.
Edward: Adjusting how?
Bella: I don't really want to talk about it. I all ready told you he's an alcoholic, isn't that enough?
Edward: It's. Never. Enough.
Awkward silence.
Bella: Are you going to continue the inquisition, or can I get back to my meiosis?
Edward: Do what you want.
He pushes the microscope toward her and she takes it, their hands brushing.
Edward snaps and comes really close to biting her neck.
He quickly regains himself.
Edward: he flicks her. Um… There was a spider… I got it.
Bella: What's wrong? Are you okay? Is this about your brother and sister being together? Do you want to talk about it? If you do, I'm totally here for you.
Edward: No thank you.
The bell rings and Edward rushes out, leaving Bella sitting there in a daze.
Scene 13: Bella's House
Bella is curled up in bed reading Twilight (LOL). She closes the book and turns the light out.
Dream sequence. OOH.
Bella dreams she and Edward are both on her bed (HOT) and she's wearing some weird, ridiculous slutty lingerie outfit.
Edward bites her neck the way he almost did in Bio.
Bella wakes with a fright.
Her pants are gone.
Scene 14: Parking Lot
Bella goes to get her books from the back of her car.
Edward is standing at the other side of the lot, staring creepily.
Bella notices and stares back, too frazzled to notice the huge ass fucking minivan spiraling toward her.
Before the van hits her, Edward appears from nowhere and stops it.
He is legit on top of her.
Bella: Where the hell did you come from?!
Edward: I was here the whole time.
Bella: Bull shit you were.
Edward: You hit your head.
Bella: I DID NOT!
Edward: Yes, you did. I was here the whole time.
Bella: No! That's not what happened!
Edward: What do you think happened?
Bella: I don't know! You were over there and I was standing around being dazzled by you and all of the sudden you're over here and on top of me. I kind of liked it.
Edward: Me too.
Bella: Really?!
Edward: Feasting on animal flesh…
Bella: I demand an explanation.
Edward: I demand you get on that stretcher while I laugh at you being carted away to the hospital.
Bella: Fuck you.
Edward: Yes please.