Title: Ways to Cheese Your Lover
Fandom: Smallville, Harry Potter, BtVS, Supernatural
Pairing: er, see below but as written Clark/Lex, Harry/Draco, Xander/Spike, Sam/Dean
Rating: NC-17 (m/m relationship, suggestive language)
Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to any of these characters, just showing my incredible devotion to the brilliance of others by borrowing them, please don't sue. I promise to be gentle with them and return them when I'm through playing. This is just for funzies, anyway. EZ Cheese is my corruption of Easy Cheese, a wonderful trademark product from the nice people at Kraft foods, which no home should be without. The author is particular fond of Sharp Cheddar (in case somebody wants to send me a case or six as a birthday gift, hint hint), but he highly recommends all flavors of this incredible product to his readers. Go get some, now! Need I mention that I in no way profit from this exercise in sustained silliness?
Summary: two boys, EZ Cheese, things happen (duh). Pure, unadulterated silliness with just a dash of evil, for flavor. Note: incest for the Supernatural part!!! Can't handle, don't read.
Spoilers: EVERYTHING, including every cliche for every slashy fanfic piece you've ever read or heard about.
Notes: WARNING! This is so awful that you may never read, watch, listen to or whatever anything associated with the characters and fandoms below. You might even swear off all books, movies, television, media in general and life in particular, move to Ecuador and raise llamas, never to be heard from again. But probably not. You have, however, been warned.
A Million (more or less) Ways to Cheese Your Lover
(a generic/universal slash fiction story)
List A:
1)Clark (Kent)
2)Harry (Potter)
3)Xander (Harris)
4)Sam Winchester
List B:
1)Lex (Luthor)
2)Draco (Malfoy)
3)Spike (aka William the Bloody)
4)Dean Winchester
List C:
1)the loft in the Kent's barn
2)The Room of Requirement
3)Spike's crypt
4)their seedy hotel room somewhere on the outskirts of Bunghole, South Dakota
List D:
1)run and hide
2)blush and stammer
3)fly away and hide
4)teleport into the heart of the sun
List E:
1)blurt out how he really felt about {B/A}
2)pull {B/A} into a deep, tongue-filled kiss
3)rip off his clothes, do the same to {B/A} and immediately proceed to the hot screaming monkey sex
4)call 911
List F:
1)a frog
2)a new car
3)killer mutant crotch cooties from outer space and/or an unspecified hell dimension
4)a letter saying "You may ALREADY have Won!"
List G:
1)melt into a gentle snuggle
2)orgasm
3)have a baby
4)start throwing Jell-O®
List H:
1)vomit
2)fart, and then crap my/his pants
3)whack {you/the other} on the head, crack open {your/his} skull, scoop out {your/his} brains and eat them with chocolate sauce on toast
4)pick my nose and eat the boogers
List I:
1)finger(s)
2)penis(es)
3)firm, succulent buttock(s)
4)left earlobe(s)
List J:
1)throttle
2)incinerate
3)use a four-foot dildo to savagely fornicate into the mattress
4)pound with a hammer
Instructions: insert the proper name, place, item or action in the appropriately-labeled areas, making sure to keep the correct pairing, e.g., A1 with B1, at C1, and so forth. If desired, lists B and A may be switched for even more cheesy fun. Lists D--J may be used interchangeably with regard to numbers, as desired. Please note carefully the order of names in list (E), as well as the correct pronoun in list (H) lest confusion result. Care should also be taken vis a vis agreement of singular/plural nouns with the content of the sentence (as will become readily apparent, see List I). If performed as a dramatic reading, the author suggests that the 'list' page be printed and available separately, to facilitate easy reference.
It Begins:
(A) didn't quite know what was going to happen next.
It had started so innocently, when (B) had surprised him by walking into (C) with a smirk on his face.
"Hello, (A)", (B) said, walking towards (A) purposefully.
"Er, hello, (B)." (A) fought the sudden urge to (D). Why did (B) always make him feel like that?
"Are you busy," (B) asked?
"Actually…well, er, no, not really," (A) said. He had started to lie, but something made him tell the truth, just this once. Well, he hadn't really committed to anything yet, he could always escape later.
"Oh good." (B)'s whole face lit up with a smile, the kind of smile that always made (A) want to (E). "Guess what I've got?"
"What?" (A)'s confusion was evident in his expression.
(B) smiled in a mildly evil, self-satisfied manner. "I said, guess what I've got?"
"Er… (F)?, (A) replied, once again fighting the urge to (D), or possibly (E), or perhaps both together, although that would be difficult, to say the least. Well, perhaps if they hadn't been in (C), but that was neither here nor there.
"No, silly…look!" (B) produced a brightly colored can with an orange top. "EZ Cheese!"
"EZ Cheese?" At (A)'s confused look, (B) snickered.
"Yes, idiot, EZ Cheese." (B) continued to wave the can expectantly. When (A) had no reaction, he sighed.
"You've never had EZ Cheese, have you, (A)" (B) asked?
"Er, no, I don't think so." He scratched his head. "What is it?"
"Well, it's like…like…" (B) thought furiously. "It's cheese in a spray can!" he said, triumphantly.
"Oh. And you use it for…" (A) trailed off suggestively.
"Well, you could use it for (F), or maybe (D), knowing you, but most people just use it for eating. On crackers and…other things." Now it was (B)'s turn to have serious thoughts about whether or not he should (E), or just (D), instead.
"Could you show me, (B)?" (A) asked, innocently. The look in his eyes made (B) want to (G), to hell with what anyone would think. "I'd really like you to show me. Did you bring any crackers?" Still all innocence, (A) stepped into (B)'s personal space. His voice was husky when he asked. "I really don't think we'll need any crackers, do you?"
"No, no, you really don't need any crackers. We can use our (I), instead." (B) managed to get out.
"Oh, good. Let me try some." (A) was nearly bouncing with the joy of discovering something new. He was even more pleased that it was (B) who was showing him this. "Here, put some on my (I)."
"Only if you let me lick it off," (B) said, smiling broadly, no longer feeling the immediate urge to (J) (A).
"Well, I don't know," (A) said coyly, looking at (B) from underneath long lashes. "I guess so, but only if," he rushed ahead, "I can do you, too."
"Oh, well, sure, why not," (B) answered, once again filled with the urge to (E) or (D), or maybe just (H).
"Okay…go ahead, put some of that on my (I), and start licking, (B)!" (A) said triumphantly.
Carefully, (B) applied the EZ Cheese. The wonderful pasteurized process cheese product flowed evenly and smoothly, and (B) was able to use the serrated tip to make decorative patterns, which he then proceeded to lick off with long, slow strokes of his tongue. He felt (A)'s (I) shiver slightly under his glossal ministrations, and grinned to himself.
(A) felt himself beginning to want to (E) again, but then he calmed himself with thoughts about (F), which helped tremendously. Just wait, (A) told himself, my time is coming.
No sooner than the thought had entered (A)'s head, (B) finished his task. "Your turn," he announced as he surrendered the can.
"Hmmm, now where can I put this" (A) joked? "Here, hold out your (I)." He waited patiently for (B) to comply, then applied a small amount of cheese. "Tell me if this tickles, alright (B)," he insisted, and bent his mouth to the task of cleaning his friend.
(B) felt like he was going to (G) any second. It took all his willpower to keep him from moaning. He felt like giving up all control, saying "F*k It", and going right to the part where he would (E), but somehow, he managed not to loose it completely and (H).
"Oh, (A)," he said. "I can't keep living like this any longer. Feeling you do that just makes me want to (G) with you every day for the rest of my life. Oh, I know lots of times that I just want to (J) you, but isn't that what true love is all about?"
"Oh, (B), I've felt the same way about you, too", (A) murmured around a mouthful of EZ Cheese. "But every time I thought about us being able to (G) together, I couldn't help but thinking about (F), and that usually makes me want to (H)." (A) was close to sobbing at this point.
"Yes, of course, but every time I think about your (I) I just want to (G) all over again, even though I know that we could only be together here in (C)." (B) was clutching (A) to him, terrified that once again (A) would (D).
(A) looked down, where (B) was holding him so tightly. "I…we…I…" he stammered.
(B) made his decision. It didn't matter how often he wanted to (J) (A), or how often (A) made him want to (H), he still wanted to (G) with him more than anything. Taking a deep breath, (B) said what was really on his mind.
"(A), I love you. I always will love you, no matter what. I don't care if we can't get (F) every year, I just don't want you to always (D) from me. I love you."
(A) was blushing furiously. "Even when I make you want to (J) me?" He smiled gently, hope blooming in his eyes.
"Even then," (B) said, reassuringly. "But…how do you feel about me?" He wasn't really concerned that (A) wouldn't return his feelings, but still he had to know.
(A) laughed. "Of course I love you, silly. Especially your cute little (I), even during those times when you make me want to (H), I still love you. Come here," and laughingly, he pulled (B) into his embrace.
(A) had no idea of where there relationship would go from here, or what would happen next….
…but that's where this all started, wasn't it?
A/N: I know, horrible, wasn't it? But, I was cleaning off my hard drive, and found it, so who not inflict, er, share it with all of you as a New Year's gift?
Relax, it's a one-shot...and I rather doubt that there will EVER be a sequel.