Paige stood there in the kitchen not knowing for sure what had just happened. This was not the way that was supposed to go at all. She didn't know if she should feel anger or the overwhelming feeling of worry inside her. This wasn't supposed to go like this at all.
Paige wasn't one for infidelity and when someone called someone their girlfriend, well it was serious. It wasn't at all like what Paige was doing, dating. It was a relationship, something to be respected. And Carla had been Alex's girlfriend. Ok, maybe Paige hadn't been as respectful as she should have been, but Alex made it really hard, brooding in all her sexiness. When Paige heard that Alex and Carla were over it was all the motivation she needed. She need not keep Jesse hanging around, she had someone else to focus on. So she planned …
"Alex, what are you doing later tomorrow? I think it's your day off from that crazy theater?" Paige breathed into the phone, hoping not to sound too anxious. It was a casual plan, right? Paige couldn't be sure how things would go.
"Um, hello to you too Paige. Um, yeah, I am free, but I have to study." Alex's slight irritation came through.
"Well, a study date it is!" Ooops, Paige had not meant to let that card slip… Her silence combined with Alex's own silence made for an awkward moment before she went on, "well, come over around 5 and I'll make you some dinner and then I can help you study!"
"Ok, I'll come by after school then." Alex's chuckle eased Paige's anxiety.
It was a ploy but Paige needed to be closer to Alex. The aching for her soft lips had gone on for too long. The longing had bore a hole into her heart. She would cook a delicious meal full of the things that she knew Alex would enjoy. Then some studying and finally the big reveal: Jesse, "Mr. way to pass the time", was history. Then smoothly on from then, Paige would make her move and Alex would once again be in her arms, making out on the couch where they belonged. It had been a perfect plan.
But it had all gone wrong.
Now, Paige was alone wondering where it all went wrong. Why did Alex have to be so difficult! Why couldn't they just have some fun together? It had to be all or nothing with her! She wanted to be angry, but something put her off. Alex was really in pain and Paige had to react to that. Why did Alex reject her, she had said she loved her… Oh it was all too convoluted. She wanted Alex she knew that, she cared about Alex of course, but was she ready for what Alex was asking.
Sure they'd gone out before, but it was high school, things were simple then. You liked someone, you went out with them. She knew that getting involved with Alex now would be different; it would be a lot more serious. She should just forget about it and move on. Oh but she'd tried that. Alex was the one constant in her mind. Perfect life for Paige had meant a "quelle grande romance" with a professional man. Her perfect life began to unravel at Banting and the only thing that crept into her mind was Alex. She was usually pretty good about letting go, but Alex was just the one constant thought. At first she thought she just missed the person that had become her best friend, but the second she got back to her, the impulse for more was irresistible. Jealousy was not a feeling she was used to and the immense jealousy she felt about Carla puzzled her. It was worse than suspecting Spinner liked Manny. She was just more mature about how she handled it now. When Alex walked in hand in hand with this random girl, the stabbing pain she felt in her chest signaled that she was not over Alex. And then the night when she spent the night at Alex's, Alex was so sweet to her and made her feel like no one else ever had. She knew she had a girlfriend and yet… when she came near her, she just had to feel those lips again… God she should be feeling them now! They were both single, they could be together now! GRRRRR! It was really too much for Paige.
At the time of that kiss, Paige had no idea what had come over her. She had assumed that it was something done out of habit. After all, they had been going out less than six months ago. It was easy to go there with an ex and to prove it she'd gone back to dating again. As if she were a trained monkey, she went right to Spinner. It had been just as she'd thought. It was easy to go there with an ex. The thing was, she couldn't help but compare. When she left spinner, she'd forget all about him. But Alex, oh Alex... there wasn't a day that she didn't think about her. But then came Jesse, she thought this was exactly whom she should date. This was a professional man, the keyword being man. Her parents would be happy to hear about it. And she went with that idea. It was fun, fun to go out and dance, fun to make out. But that's all it was…
And all the while, there was Alex, her best friend. Her advisor, the girl she couldn't keep her hands off. The girl she needed to see. And then Alex… made the confession. In reality, Paige had not seen it coming. Part of the big problem of Alex was that she was sure that Alex had moved on. Alex was dating, more than dating, she had a girlfriend. And she was encouraging her to date. It was hard being around Alex, never knowing how to act, yet always seemingly flirty. And then Alex... confessed her love. At the time, it just made Paige confused and a little angry. It was so intense; it asked for sooo much. Alex didn't just like her, she loved her, a lot. And she had her perfect life in motion once again. She had to walk away, knowing that her heart was saying something else. But what she needed in these times of crisis was her mind, not her heart. She needed to be logical and this had to be a passing fancy.
Yet all she could think about from that moment on was Alex and her words. She felt the intensity of her kiss, saw the pleading in her eyes and felt the love from her being. And she faced what was there all along, of course Alex still liked her. Alex who took off her boots, who was the only person capable of calming her down during her panic attacks. It thrilled her to know Alex felt that way. She couldn't help but smile because it was the most important thing to her. It was funny because Spinner's possessive declaration had sent her running for the hills. Alex's passionate plea had sent a shiver down her spine, even if she initially ran. Eventually it led her right back to Alex. So she decided to make it happen, but it had all gone wrong.
Why was Alex sooo stubborn! The worst thing is that Alex wasn't letting her comfort her. She wanted to make her feel better, but god Alex wanted it all.
Paige sat down and decided it was finally time to actually think about she was doing and what she wanted. Alex was right: it wasn't fair to her. She needed an answer and Paige would find it. How much did Alex mean to me? Is it friendship, is what I crave from her the closeness of friendship? She thought about Marco and Hazel. They were her closest friends of the last two years. She loved hanging out with them, giving them advice on their problems, listening to their advice. She shared those things with Alex, but with Alex there was more. She wanted to share everything with Alex. Everything was better with Alex. No, there was no doubt she wanted something romantic with Alex but how much?
Paige tried to picture life without kissing… Spinner? Check! Jesse? Check! Alex? No, she didn't want to even face that. Then it hit Paige, she didn't need to have an answer now but she could commit to find out. She could give it all to Alex and see where it led them. It's all she could offer now, because the truth was, Paige was only sure of one thing, she needed Alex.