The Annotated Cosette

by youbetcha

Have you ever wanted to read Cosette by Francois Ceresa but heard it was atrocious? Well, it really is that bad, but look no further, for here is the official summary! Read, enjoy, be amused.

THE ANNOTATED "COSETTE"
by Notorious Funnt

Valjean: I'm dead
Cosette: I'm pretty!
Marius: I'm going to buy the Rue Plumet because Cosette and I are having relationship problems and I want to be a dandy and part of high society! yay!
Everyone: WTF?
Amedee: Yeah high society is cool. Come duel with me. Your wife is hot.
Marius: Kk...will it get me into society?
Amedee: You bet. But your wife is a homebody. That's not cool.
Marius: Umm...yeah guess not.
Amedee: but she's hot.
cue Cosette, at home Cosette: sigh Marius is acting so weird! What did I do?
Mizzies: Nothing. The author just can't write a story to save his life.
change of scene
THE catman: Yeah see I'm not just catman I'm THE catman. I like poverty. It's funny. I kill cats. kills cats
Gammy Leg: I run an inn thing. THE catman comes here a lot. My husband is cheating on me with a sexy cross-eyed girl.
Sexy cross-eyed girl: heyyy husband...come here sweet thang
Mizzies: Wait...what happened to Marius and Cosette? I don't care about some guy who is killing cats.
THE catman: I kill rabbits too
NF: OMGWTF beats THE catman with oboe
Clemence: Marius you're hot
Amedee: Marius, you're wife is still hot.
THE catman: Heyyy cloud pajamas guess what...I'm THENARDIER! waits for people to gasp
nothing happens
Verjat: Betcha can't guess who I am.
Mizzies: Yeahhh. Bet we can't guess.
Cosette: Verjat, you're cool. Frederic, you're cool too.
Verjat: Yeah I'm too cool 4 u. I have a mysterious past. See, guess what Cosette, I'm not telling you everything but I committed suicide except I didn't because I was rescued from the water and saved just like in all the bad fanfiction!
Cosette: Hey wow that's neat! Let's walk through the Luxembourg!
Mizzies: WTF?
Cosette: Hey maybe Eponine will randomly come back from the dead too and marry my husband.
Verjat: Hey, you never know. Btw I want redeeming. 'Cause, ya know, this is a bad fanfiction and all.
Marius: Ohhh Clemence you sexy thang...I especially love it when the author goes into explicit detail about your nakedness.
Dementor from PoA in 15 minutes: I think I saw a porno like this once.
Cosette: sniffle I miss Marius...so y'know what I'm going to do...Leave cheesy love notes for him!
Love notes: omgcheesy
People: carousing again
there is rabbit stew there
NF: beats cooks with oboe
Frederic: I challenge you to... A DUEL
Everyone: GASP
Amedee: OK kills
Marius: sob sob sob...oh Cosette...I love you!
Cosette: I love you to...fool
THE catman: Well slap my butt and call me Sally, I feel like doing something bad again! skins cat
Gammy Leg: OMGWTF WHORE KILLED MY CAT kills sexy cross-eyed girl or disfigures her whatever, who cares, this book is crap anyway
Perfect Love: OMGWTF you killed her! kills Gammy Leg
Gammy: ooh pretty flowers dies
Amedee: I spend a whole paragraph looking at Cosette's boobs...oooh
NF: Okay, that kind of thing...boobs and suchlike...that's for bad fanfic on the INTERNET. Why do you think the net was born?
Marius: I'm going to break off with Clemence! I am! I am! walks outside
Cosette: I'm pregnant! I mean it's about time, someone always gets pregnant in a fanfiction. I haven't told Marius yet. Dunno why. Maybe for...SUSPENSE.
Barricades: are being built on the street
History: is repeating itself
NF: ...or not so much repeating as the author couldn't think of a decent plot for his story...
Mizzies: agree
Marius: I break with thee, Clemence, you cold hearted if very sexy lady!
Clemence: OH GASP CRY SOB HE TOOK MY CHILD THAT AMEDEE GASP SOB SNIFFLE
Marius: Like omg...so that means Amedee has...shmuck tendencies?
Mizzies: Obviously, genius
Clemence: puts narcotic in the drink check it out...I'll have my REVENGE! This is just like a cheesy soap opera, isn't it, Marius?
Marius: Let's see...I cheated on my wife with you because you're hot and like to have mad sex with people, but have a sad life because your child you had with this shmuck who seduces everyone was taken away and now you're condemned to live this life, and I buy you stuff, but then I find out I still love my wife and break it with you and you drug me?
Clemence: Better keep your eyes open, at this rate my evil twin will come and seduce you again.
Marius: Yeah I'd better. Oh well, carry on gets drugged
Clemence: Sleep now my boy
NF: MUAHAHAHAHAHAH...oh come on, you know she was thinking it.
THE catman's misc. gang people: kill Jesus not (that Jesus, just a guy named Jesus) then switch his clothes with Marius why? why not?
Marius: is sent to random penal colony because they think HE killed Jesus not THAT Jesus!
Marius: Ohhh I wail about poverty and poor conditions! I'M INNOCENT DAMMIT!
Other convicts: You realize how dumb that sounds, right?
Marius: Yeah. Sorry.
Guy: Marius, your number is 9430. That was Valjean's number too, dramatic irony and all of that.
Tour Guide Lady: Now class, we get to the second sign of How To Recognize a Bad Les Mis Fanfic. Marius gets sent to prison and ends up with Valjean's number. Write that down, class, you're getting a quiz on it later.
Class: writes that down
Julien: heyyy Marius my name is Julien, we're cool
NF: omg...I'm borrowing an English horn from the school right now...his name is Julien...he's not a very good English horn but he's cooler than this guy 'cause he's not in a bad fanfiction.
Marius: Kk so I'm a convict...let me do convict shizz and poverty...OMG I MAKE AN ESCAPE! LIKE VALJEAN!
Tour Guide Lady: That would be #3.
Marius: does not escape
cue to: Cosette's house
Cosette: OMG MY MARIUS IS DEAD! YOU CURTAINS DO NOT FEEL SAD FOR HIS DEATH! DAMN YOU CURTAINS! I HATE CURTAINS! YOU COLD UNFEELING...CURTAINS!
Mizzies: ...
Amedee: Okay now I feel bad. Cosette's still hot though. 'Cept I feel bad about that too.
Cosette: I hate the inanimate. They have no feelings.
Elissa the oboe: that's what YOU think! Cosette promptly gets oboe bitchslapped
Cosette: ...except for oboes
Elissa and Chandler: 'Kay, that's better.
Amedee: Dammit I feel bad
Verjat: I want redemption so I'm going to follow the same path Valjean did.
Tour Guide: That would be #4, for the record.
THE catman: I'm totally Thenardier...and I suck
Mizzies: ya think?
Tour Guide: Re-emerging characters would be #5.
Cosette: Amedee, I'm PREGNANT
Amedee: OMG ANGST! It's not MY Child...it's MARIUS'S!
Mizzies: duh
Amedee: ANGST!
Cosette: I'm gonna name my child Jean if it's a boy and Fantine if it's a girl!
Tour guide: Behold numbers #6 and 7. Because that's just so bad, it deserves two mentions.
THE catman's random accomplices, who are actually really pointless so they're names aren't worth mentioning because the Patron Minette was SO much cooler: Heyyy cloud pajamas, let's kill Cosette's child!
NF: Heyyy look at the time, I gotta get to rehearsal, you guys leave it just where you are and...I'll read it tomorrow...'cause there's only so much cheese I can take in one day. makes cheese sandwich
Horse Face (a misc. gang person): I kill you, Pointer! Very bloodily because the author enjoys really bloody and gruesome descriptions!
Verjat: My head looked like a fish head in one sentence
Everyone: Eat them up, yum
Verjat: I know Marius is innocent yo...'cause I'm an inspector and went all CSI on everyone's ass
Prisoners: So I bet y'all didn't know this, but sometimes we prisoners hide escape materials up our butts. Because no one finds it there.
Everyone: Well, that's obvious...
Marius: shaves pubic hair to use for a disguise later on
Mizzies: Ew...
Random convict: I put too much stuff up my butt that I died.
Everyone: ...
Marius: I was a viction of a miscarriage of justice! Don't laugh!
Guard: AHAHAHAH...oh sorry
Marius: oh good, I didn't put any escape materials up my butt today
Tripod: Yay...oh snap I just got stabbed so I'm gonna die...wait not really...nah, I kid you all dies
Author: Here's some more blood and guts descriptions for you
Marius: I kill you, Hungarian, for I am EVIL DEMON MARIUS! AHAHAHA!
THE Catman: GUESS WHO'S BACK!
NF: You're getting really, really boring.
Author: We're all going to call him Thenardier now...kk?
Mizzies: Um...
THE catman: I do not share...FOOL
THE Catman: Hey wait they just called me THE Catman again!
Verjat: Author can't make up his mind.
Mizzies: Author can't write either.
THE Catman: Gotcha.
Verjat: Awww, the baby looks just like his father, even though I could never understand how a baby can look like a full grown adult, and I've never seen baby Marius either because that would be kind of creepy.
Verjat: Javert was 56
Cosette: Um...that was random
Verjat: I'm giving you really obvious clues to my identity, okay?
Cosette: Oooh okay...btw you act like a police inspector
Verjat: No duh
Tour Guide: This is #9.
Verjat: Cosette, you smell yummy
Author: "...the rasperry tips of her breasts"
NF: Raspberry tips? You have GOT to be kidding me! dies laughing
Verjat: Ok I'm gonna prove Marius's innocence...heyyy cloud pajamas I'm in Toulon again! Dramatic irony!
crickets chirping
Well not really but work with me here, okay?
Lestrad: Heyy Verjat...sup yo
Verjat: Oh snap Marius escaped
Lestrade: You remind me of someone
Mizzies: Inspector Javert?
Lestrade: Hey yeah, how'd you guess?
Mizzies: palmface
Verjat: I uncovered the truth about Louis Desire!
NF: I don't...really care
Verjat: No one does.
Random guy: steals Cosette's baby
Verjat: Oh no you don't...takes baby back
book ends
Everyone: ...wait what?
NF: That's the end?
Author: Yup.
Marius: But I haven't been reuinted with Cosette OR had my innocence proven!
Cosette: And I haven't found out that Marius was still alive!
THE Catman (and crew): And I'm...still here and being bad!
Verjat: And I didn't get redeemed!
Amedee: And WTF is happening with me?
Author: Who cares...that's the end of the book, yo.
Everyone: Seriously?
Author: yup
NF: That was the worst ending ever.
Mizzies: We told you it was crap.
NF: Yeah. You were right. I'm gonna go back to stalking the UPS/FedEx man for my package.
Mizzies: Sounds like a plan to me!