OK, here we go. Right, let's get down to business. First of all, you don't have to read 'When Howard Met Vince' because this isn't strictly a sequel, but the two stories are linked and there is a plotline running from that fic to this one, so yeah. Read it if you like, you don't have to.

Secondly, this is the most ambitious story I've done to date. It's going to be quite a journey for me, and I hope, a fun one for you guys reading.

Thirdly, the inspiration for the song bits (which will be at the start of each chapter) come mainly from a great book by Sara Manning, called 'Pretty Things'. Buy it, it's a great read! Also, I DON'T OWN ANY OF THE SONGS USED. I just appreciate their existence!

Fourthly, read 'Friday I'm in Love' if you want this to make a bit more sense.

Lastly, huge thanks and love to Corrine (Radar-rox) for loaning me Tara Noir for a little while. That's why this story is dedicated to my favourite Bristolian!

The Boosh doesn't belong to me, although all OCs do, apart from Tara who's Corrine's. So without further ado….

When Jools met the Boosh

Chapter One- Androgyny

'When everything is going wrong, and you can't see the point in going on, nothing in life is set in stone, there's nothing that can't be turned around….'

Song : Garbage 'Androgyny'

Vince opened his eyes, and smoothed his jet black hair off his forehead. He stretched out, like a cat, on the flat's sofa. He attempted to move his head and decided that it wasn't a very good idea… about thirty thousand little bits of fluff seemed to be floating about in his brain, doing a fluffy dance, with their fluffed up legs.

Vince wondered why he was on the sofa... had he had an argument with himself and thrown himself out of the bedroom? That didn't seem very fair on him.

He moaned slightly, half at the sunlight streaming through the flat's curtains and half at the impromptu fluff party. He needed tea. Tea fixed everything. Although getting tea involved standing up, finding a mug, a teabag, water, kettle, milk, teaspoon, and maybe a biscuit. This, to the massively hung-over Vince, seemed like a mammoth task. More than that. It was at least a three mammoth thing. Maybe even a saber tooth tiger thrown in as well.

Vince heaved himself up, his mind now filled with prehistoric mammals as well as fluff. And then suddenly, a horrific sound filled his ears. Worse than the noise of the door clicking shut, when you left it on the latch to go and get the milk in while still in your pajamas. Worse than hearing your flesh searing as you realise you've laid on your Nicky Clarke staraighteners. This was the sound of….

"Vince, sweetie you're awake!"

The ex… back from wherever…. ex-s go… the ex-box?

'Oh god. Oh god no, no, I can't have done, no, it's not real' thought Vince, letting his heavy head fall into his hands, his fingers probing his temples. Tea was forgotten. He now needed a train to Xanudu….

"Good night's sleep?"

He'd live in a tree… with some monkeys….

"I slept in your… well our bed; you don't mind do you, honey? You were too drunk last night to get past the sofa. Still it was a good night wasn't it? Well it was for me, I can't believe it, that we're back together, it's like a dream come true!"

He liked monkeys… and he'd eat sweets all day.

"I'm going to open the curtains and let some of this beautiful sunlight in!"

Vince slowly realised that having monkey fantasies wasn't going to make Magenta disappear. Short of walking around with his eyes shut yelling 'La la la! You aren't here!' nothing was going to make her leave. In fact, she'd probably think the singing was cute.

He looked at her, through his slightly bleary eyes. Her white blonde hair was going dark at the roots and her blue eyes were just blue. Not deep navy. Not like someone else's. But that person had said that she'd never see him again and now, six months on, he was beginning to agree with her. Didn't make him give up hope though, he still thought that he'd walk into her in some bar, one night and it'd be like she'd never left. But on one of those lonely nights, he'd met Magenta Ross, who had dyed blonde hair and a screechy voice but at least she hadn't run off as soon as he had touched her.

Magenta suddenly grabbed his attention again, as she was flitting around straightening up magazines, and dusting around Howard's Jazz records.

He couldn't believe he'd gone there again. It had taken him ages (two weeks, which actually does feel like ages with Magenta). She was a very nice girl, Vince couldn't deny it. But she was nice like candy floss is nice. Eventually, it makes you feel sick or destroys your teeth.

"Maggy! Can you just… not" Vince finally said, shuffling unsteadily to his feet.

"Oh, sweetie, you want some tea? Stay here; I'll go make you some!" Magenta was already dancing towards the mugs.

Dancing. In the morning. What the hell was wrong with her?

"No! Look its fine I can… you can... go home and change or something? Please?" Vince just wanted her out of the flat. He'd even call the Police if he had too. Even a Riot Squad… snipers…actually snipers were an oddly comforting thought.

She turned to look at him. Her eyes narrowed. "Are you trying to get rid of me?" she asked.

"Ummm… no. I just, you know, look a state and I'm probably just going to sleep and you know… so yeah.." Vince realised that on any other girl this kind of mindless rambling wouldn't work. Fortunately, Magenta wasn't any other girl

"OK! Just let me get my bag! But you look lovely… you know even with your eyeliner all over your face!" she called as she skipped out of the room.

Vince glanced at himself in the mirror and found that he looked hungover, tired and androgynous, as his tight purple t shirt clung to his skinny body and his longish mop of black hair was all over the place. Well not all over the place, if it was all over the place it'd be in Beijing and Seoul and the Ukraine. It was all still on his head it just looked disheveled.

She flounced back in and threw her arms round Vince, her perfume intoxicatingly strong and smelling of cotton candy.

"Oh I love you Mr Noir!" she said into his chest.

"Oh- k" said Vince, trying to laugh it off. "Buh bye now"

Unfortunately she'd sort of managed to clamp herself onto him as she hugged him and now seemed unwilling to let him go. Like a 5 foot 6 limpet. With a bad dye job. He slowly maneuvered her across the room, towards the stairs, like they were doing a weird kind of slow dance. Every time he moved his arms trying to get free she seemed to have another few arms to clamp him down again. Eventually, after much 'I love you!' from Magenta and 'Ok it's time to go now' from Vince, they reached the top of the stairs.

"You get home safely now ok?" said Vince silently adding 'and don't come back!' in his head.

"OK! " She turned to walk down the stairs and then turned back, ran up the stairs grabbed him and kissed him incredibly hard on the lips. Vince, who felt like he'd eaten that residue that you get at the bottom of cereal packets (you know, when there's always like cereal dust and it's really dry) really wasn't in the mood to have a tongue thrust down his throat, jumped back and held her at arms length.

"Bye!" he said and gently turned her round and shoved her, politely, towards the door.

"See you soon!" she yelled and then Vince heard the blissful noise of a door slam.

He rubbed his eyes and turned back to the kitchen, to finally make a cup of tea. Then he stopped and rubbed his eyes again because he thought they were playing tricks on him.

There seemed to be someone, in the kitchen. A short person, wearing a suit of amour. Like a knight. They were wearing a helmet with a metal visor, metal breast plate, chain mail shirt leg amour, metal shin pads and metal shoe coverings.

Vince stared at the 'knight' who turned to look at him. It was only then that Vince noticed the blood running down the breast plate and the bloodied, tarnished sword in the knight's hand.

"Naboo…" choked the knight in a tiny whisper. "I need Naboo the shaman…"

Then, with a clatter that sounded like thirty baking trays being thrown in a cement mixer, the suit of amour (and the person inside) crumbled to the floor.

Tell me what you think!