Chapter 1: Into Pirateland and the Eunuch Detector

Two girls, one with short brown hair with blond streaks and the other with brown hair and red highlights, giggled excitedly. "I love this movie!" Tiffany giggled.

Her friend, Marisa, nodded. "I know! Push play, push play!"

There was a bright silver light from the T.V. screen when suddenly Marisa and Tiffany were staring at a blacksmith's shop. "You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before?"

"Hm. Have I heard that somewhere before?" Marisa asked.

"Huh. I dunno," Tiffany said.

"Hmmm…no, I have. I know it."

"You know, I think I have, too, but where?"

"A book? No, maybe a movie?"

Suddenly, a man fell over Marisa's foot. "Hey! Watch where you're going!"

"You cheated! Oh...um, sorry?"

Marisa squealed. "Oh my God! It's Will Turner!"

"Wait, that is Will!" Tiffany said. "But that means…JACK!!!!!"

"My name is not Jack! It's-"

"Captain! Jack! Sparrow!" the girls yelled together.

"Uh…yes. Mate, is this the best you could do?" Jack asked Will.

"No! I've no idea who these girls are!"

"Rii-ight!" Marisa said. "You know you love me!"

"What? No, I don't! I don't even know you!"

"Can I call you Willykins?"

"What? Of course not!"

Suddenly, there was a loud banging at the door. "Run, Jack, run!" Tiffany yelled. "That's Norrington's men!"

"Wait, how did you know that?" Will asked.

Marisa rolled her eyes. "Move away," Jack said.

"No! I cannot just step aside and let you escape!" Will said.

"No! Go, Jackie! Run, Forrest, run!" Tiffany yelled.

"Who's Forrest?" Will asked.

"Jackie?!?!?" Jack groaned.

Then, Jack slumped over unconscious Mr. Brown knocked him out with a bottle of alcohol. Suddenly, Norrington's men rammed through the door. "There he is! Over here!" a soldier yelled.

"Jack!" Tiffany wailed.

"Shut-up!" Marisa said. "We can't attract any attention!"

"Who are you?" Norrington asked, looking at Will, who shrugged.

Marisa grinned. "I am…M-"

"Wait!" Tiffany whispered. "We can be called whatever we want here!" Boldly, she added, "I am Lady Rose Nicole Garrison of Hotness!"

"Oh," said Marisa, "And I am Queen Fabulousfantasticwonderfulamazingness, but you can call me Abigail."

"What country are you queen of?" Norrington asked.

"Tennessee," Marisa said.

"I've never heard of this…Tennessee."

Marisa giggled. "Few have."

"Well," Norrington said, "I trust we will always remember this day as the day Captain Jack Sparrow almost escaped."

"JACK!" Tiffany wailed.

"O, Jack, O Jack, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east and Jack is the sun-" Marisa, who shall now be called Abigail, yelled as Tiffany (Rose) interrupted her making fun of Shakespeare by pummeling her to the ground.

"Ow! Get off! It's true."

Norrington looked at Will and said, "I thought even you could do better than them."

"I don't even know them!"

"It's alright, Willykins," Abigail said. "Oh, oh, can I call you Willy Wonka?"

"What? No, why?"

"It suits you!"

Rose wailed, "Come back, Jackie!"

Norrington stifled a laugh as his men took Jack away. "Ladies, do you have somewhere to stay for the night?"

"Yes, we're staying with Will!" Abigail said.

"No, you aren't!"

"Can we, Mr. Brown?" Rose asked.

"Uh….? Sure."

"Yes!" Abigail and Rose said, high fiving each other.

"NO!" Will screamed.

ILOVEJACKILOVEJACKILOVEJACK

"WILLY WONKA!" Abigail screamed.

Will jumped as Rose threw a bucket of water over his head. "What- what happened?"

"Oh, you just got knocked unconscious, Willy Boy," Abigail said winking.

"My name is NOT Willy Boy!" Will yelled. "It's Will Turner! I have to rescue Elizabeth!"

"Okie-dokie! Lead the way, Willy Wonka!"

"It's Turner- Will Turner!"

Abigail and Rose giggled as they followed 'Willy Wonka'. "They've taken her! They've taken Elizabeth!" Will yelled as he approached Norrington.

Before Norrington could say anything, Tiffany said, "Well, duh! Are you both idiots?"

"Um…I knew that," Norrington said in surprise.

"We have to hunt them down! We have to save her!"

Abigail gasped. "OMG! It's improper grammar to end a sentence with a preposition!"

"Omg?" Will asked. "What does that mean?"

"What ridiculous clothes are you wearing?" Elizabeth's father asked.

"This is It's Happy Bunny!" Abigail said, indicating to her tee shirt. "Eat right. Exercise hard. Die anyway."

"We must save Elizabeth!" Will persisted.

"Yes, Romeo, we must!" Abigail said.

Will angrily buried his hatchet in the table. "We must save-"

"Elizabeth!" Abigail and Rose chorused together.

"Mr. Turner , you are not a military man, you are not a sailor. You are a blacksmith and this is not the moment for rash actions. Do not make the mistake of thinking you are the only man here who cares for Elizabeth," Norrington said.

"Ooohh, Burn!" Abigail said.

As they walked away, Rose clenched Abigail's arm. "We must go see Jackie!"

"Yah! Come on, Willy Nilly!" Abigail said. "Let's go see Captain Jack Sparrow!"

"We're here," Will said, "And my name is NOT Willy Nilly, Willy Wonka, Willykins, or-or-"

"Don't forget Will Turner," Rose chimed in.

"Or Will Turner- wait, no! That is my name!"

"No, it isn't," Abigail said.

"Yes, it is!"

"No, it isn't!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"DoyouloveElizabethmorethanme?"

"No!"

"Yes, Willy-iams is mine!"

"No, wait, what did you say?" Will asked.

Abigail and Rose grinned. "JACKIE!" Rose screamed.

"My name is Cap-"

"Captain Jack Sparrow!" Rose yelled. "I have your autograph and movies and posters and notebooks, and you're like so HOT! I love you, and you don't know it, but we're going to get married!"

Captain Jack Sparrow leaned his head to one side and said, "Whoa, mate, where are you hiding that rum?"

"The Black Pearl," Will said, "Where does it make berth?"

"Where does it make berth?" Abigail gasped. "Haven't you heard the stories? Captain Barbossa and his crew of miscreants sail from the dreaded Isla de Muerta . It's an island that cannot be found except by those who already know where it is."

"I couldn't have said it better myself," Jack said.

"Then, the ship is real. Therefore, it's anchorage must be, too."

"DUH!" Rose said. Looking at Abigail, she added, "Is personality really IS cardboard."

"But he's sooooo hot!"

"Uh…no, it's actually a little cold in here," Will said.

Rose shook her head. "You could do soooo much better."

"But he's hot!"

"Jack is hotter!"

"Is not!"

"Is, too!"

When they finally finished arguing over the two guys' hotness, Jack was saying, "What's your name?"

"Will Turner."

"No, it isn't!" Abigail screamed. "It's Willy Wonka Cutesykins!"

Jack nodded slowly. "Mate, who are these two?"

"I don't know."

"Oh, I'm Queen Amzaingwonderfuleccentricgoddesstobeworshipped, but you can call me Abigail."

"Oh, I want to try that! I am Irish Pirate Queen Imbringingsexyback of the Land of Hotness, but you can call me Rose."

Jack nodded slowly. "Will-that be short for-"

"William!" Rose said. "Beep, beep, BEEP, BEEEEEP!"

Abigail giggled, while Jack and Will looked utterly confused. Rose leaned close to Jack, where only he could hear and said, "It's a eunuch indicator."

Jack stifled a laugh. Will began to use his 'leverage' to open the door. Every time he moved, Rose went, "BEEP! BEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"

Jack laughed, staggering from the cell and grabbing his sword and hat. "BEEP!" Rose yelled as Will moved.

"STOP THAT INFERNAL BEEPING!" Will screamed.

"Oh my gosh, my baby can use three syllable words!" Abigail screamed, hugging Will's waist.

"Let. Go. Of. Me. NOW!"

"Come on, someone will have heard that," Rose said.

ILOVEJACKILOVEJACKILOVEJACK

"We're going to steal a ship? That ship?" Will asked, looking at Dauntless.

"Commandeer. We're going to commandeer that ship. Nautical term. One question about your business, boy, or there's no use going. This girl- how far are you willing to go to save her?"
"I'd die for her!"

Abigail giggled. "Willy-illy-Billy is soooo heroic!"

"BEEP! BEEEP!" Rose said.

"Why do you keep beeping!?!?!" Will screamed.

Everyone turned and looked at them. "Ah, no worries, mate," Jack said.

Now came the infamous Will and Jack under the water under the boat. "Ah! Tiffy, water is leaking in!"

"Ah! My name is not Tiffy! You will refer to me as the Irish Pirate Queen!"

"I don't think we're doing it….blu!"

"Right," Abigail finished, coming in Will and Jack's boat. Rose appeared from beside her. "Hi, guys!"

"Guys?" Will asked.

"Yeah," Rose said. "Well, at least Jack who is very, very, very HOT!"

The two girls, a frustrated Will, and a rum-seeking Jack boarded the ship. "Everybody stay calm. We're taking over the ship!" Jack said.

"Aye! Avast!" Will cried.

The people on the ship burst out laughing while Abigail and Rose laughed until their sides hurt. Jack just looked uncertain. "This ship cannot be crewed by two men!"

"Hey!" Rose protested. "No one talks to the hot Irish Pirate Queen that way!"

"You'll never make it out of the bay!"

Jack pointed his pistol at the crewman's face. "Son. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow."

"Oh, I love how he said that!" Rose giggled.

"On love's light wings did I o'perch these walls, For stony obstacles-"

As Rose pounded Abigail into the ship's deck, a crewman looked puzzled and said, "Is she quoting Shakespeare?"

"Here they come!" Rose yelled.

As Norrington's men boarded Dauntless, Jack, Will, and two girls screaming like Tarzan swung across to the Interceptor. "Thank you, Commodore for getting us ready to make way. We'd have had a hard time doing it ourselves!"

Jack spun the vessel around, ramming right through the boat Norrington's men were on. "Muhahahahahah!" Rose yelled.

"It's KARMA!" Abigail screamed.

"Karma?" Will asked.

"Oh, what now? You're mom!" Rose said.

Jack and Will were talking as Rose and Abigail lay on deck suntanning. Suddenly, Rose jumped up with her camera phone, snapping as many pictures of Jack as she could. "Hot, hot, hot, sooooo HOT!"

"When I was a lad living in England , my mother raised me by herself. After she died, I came out here, looking for my father," Will said.

"Is that so?" Jack asked.

"My father, Will Turner . At the jail, it was only after you learned my name that you agreed to help. Since that's what I wanted, I didn't press the matter. I'm not a simpleton, Jack. You knew my father."
"Yes, you are!" Rose said. "You're very simple; you're like cardboard."

"Shut-up!" Abigail said. "I like this part. Will's dad has a funny name."

Will looked at her strangely. "Jack?"

"I knew him. Probably one the few who knew him as William Turner. Everyone else just called him Bootstrap or Bootstrap Bill."

"Bootstrap?" Will asked.

Abigail laughed loudly. "Come on. Could you have a worse name than Bootstrap?"

"Good man. Good pirate. I swear you look just like him."

Will drew his sword. "My father was not a pirate!"

"Don't threaten my JACKIE!" Rose screamed.

"Put it away, son. It's not worth you getting beat again."

"You didn't beat me! You didn't follow the rules of engagement. In a fair fight, I would've killed you!"

"Well, guess what Will No-brains? Pirates don't fight fair!" Rose said.

"Leave my Willi-nillie alone!" Abigail yelled.

The two girls ducked and continued their playful arguing, but Will was knocked out over the sea. "Oh, I love his part!" Rose squealed, trying to figure out how to record video with her camera phone.

"Now, as long as you're just hanging there, pay attention. The only rules that really matter are these what a man can do and what a man can't do. For instance, you can accept that your father was a pirate and a good man or you can't. But pirate is in your blood, boy, so you'll have to square with that someday. Now, me, for example, I can let you drown but I cant bring this ship into Tortuga all by me onesy, savvy? And I don't want to be alone with them. So?"

Jack swung the sail over and handed Will his sword. "Can you sail under the command of a pirate, or can you not?"

"Tortuga?"

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"

"Will someone tell me why she keeps beeping!?!?!?!"

"Nope," said Rose.

"Uh-uh. You're cute when you're confused."

"Jack!" Will whined.

"Nay, mate," the pirate said. "Beeepp…."