Aiming For Ignorance
DISCLAIMER: None of the characters belong to me, so all credit goes to the WB and DC comics. I only took them out to play to put Pete in the spotlight where he belongs. :)
~ ~ ~
They say that ignorance is bliss when they want you to believe that there is an excuse for your own stupidity and naivety. Sometimes it's easier to ignore the thing that is happening right in front of you, because if you don't then you have to deal with it. And sometimes, in certain circumstances...it's better to stick your head in the sand and pretend that it hasn't happened. That nothing has changed.
That everything is fine.
The trouble is that I know it's not fine. Nothing is fine now. In the space of a day everything I have tried to hide from has decided to come out from hiding, in style. Hell, they may as well have carried a neon sign for how obvious it eventually was. And the truly pathetic thing? It took a blast from a stupid flower to make me realise what I always knew. It took a stupid flower to make me embarass myself in front of the one person I can't have.
It took a blast to turn my life onto it's head.
I look at her as she sits beside me, babelling away as usual: Everyone's fine. We were so scared. Next time you steal my car I'm going to be seriously mad at you. I'm glad your okay. You really freaked. No one remembers what they did. Do you?
She says that almost hopefully and its more a statement than a question: i'You *do not* remember what you did.' /i For a girl with such an inquisitive nature she is pretty neutral. Usually she would be busting my ass on details: what is the last thing I remember doing? How did I feel when I began to lose it? Did I mean it when I told her she was beautiful?
The answers? I remember it all...why my fever didn't cause the amnesia that everyone else has been struck with god only knows, although the fact that my best friend knocked me out with the force of a truck probably helped. I didn't sucumb to fever...I sucumbed to Clark and his...his...powers.
Powers...
He's Clark. My best friend since forver. We went to school together all our lives and I know him like he was my brother. Or so I thought. You see Clark is not what I thought he was...he so much more than I thought he was and I knew it. I've known it for ages because of the crap thats been going on and it all makes sense now. Why he doesn't want to be on the football team? If he tackled someone he'd snap them in two. Why he is never late? He moved fast enough to disarm me tonight so no doubt he can run like the wind. Why is he the centre of attention? Because he's a nice guy...who has that hero complex that chicks dig. That hero complex that she digs.
The hero complex I lack completely. I get one hint of being possesed by something and I weird out and start trying to kill people. I guess I should look on the brightside, at least I didn't do a striptease and proclaim my feelings to Chloe half naked. Maybe it's a good thing that Lana has forgotten...
How did I feel when I began to lose it? I felt...free. I felt I didn't have to hide behind the mask of the best friend. Behind the pretence that I didn't care that I was losing the best friendship I ever had because of Luthor.
Behind the happy facade that I erected to hide the fact that it killed me everytime she mooned after Clark in front of me totally oblivious to how I felt. Knowing that if Clark ever opened his eyes and saw what I saw then I would be the ultimate third wheel and that I would be expected to be happy for them.
So yes, I felt free. But I scared myself as much as I scared her and I can't forget the pure terror in her eyes as I held the gun at her as I demanded her damn car keys. And what did she do? She went to Clark...the hero who saved the day. Maybe if I had been stronger it would have been me she had run to...
I look at her as she stops talking for a minute and looks at me. She is nearly crying and I want to make her feel better, but I can't think of the words to say. Somehow I don't think 'I love you and I'm sorry because you don't feel the same way but I can't help it' will make her feel a whole lot better. She takes a deep breath and asks me again whether or not I remember anything I said while I was under the influence? Anything I did? Anything I wanted to say or do?
I look at her. What would be the chances of me telling her that I remebered everything (minus the Clark stuff) and her throwing her arms around me and reciproating everything I feel? I close my eyes and wallow in that fantasy for a second. Would it be worth the risk? It could ruin everything...but, if there was a chance, wouldn't it be worth it? Don't I least have a slight chance that she wouldn't roll around the floor laughing? I mean, I'm not that bad a catch. I mean, I'm pretty good looking if I do say so myself, I like to think I'm funny and I hope I'm a good friend and a nice person. She could do worse than go for a guy like me.
Unfortunately, she already has went for a guy like me. Only the optimum model withoutmy annoying traits. Clark is better looking, maybe not as funny but definately got a good sense of humour, he is sensitive, and he is a great friend. And he's a hero. Admittedly he's a lying jerk as well, that is probably only as alluring because he has super powers but, no matter what, he's a hero. And a nice guy.
How do I compete with that?
I open my eyes and look at her as she looks at me expectantly. She asks again softly, she doesn't have the agressive urgency I'm used to from her so I know she's desperate for an answer. Do I remember what I did?
I smile at her and shake my head as I answer with false cheer.
"No Chloe, of course not...you know what the docs said to Lana and Mr Kent. The fever struck us all amnesiacs...we don't have to live with the embarrasment of what we did."
It's the answer she expects and I hope I've kept it light enough not to arouse suspicion. She looks at me with a mixture of relief and confusion and my heart begins to ache. I clench my fist under the covers to give me something to think about while she looks at me intently. God, why won't she look away? Why doesn't she go see Clark? Why is she so beautiful? Why can't I forget again?
She puts her hand gingerly on my bare arm as she looks at me. I take a deep breath and pray it's not audible as she begins to speak.
"The...the thing is, Pete. The docs said that...well, your fever never reached the same lofty heights as Lana's and Mr Kent's...so...you know, you shouldn't have forgot..."
I look at her for a second and shake my head as I smile at her. Let sleeping dogs lie Chloe...don't dig up answers you don't want to hear. Didn't she remember anything from those stupid classes she made us take?
"I guess it's just my dumb luck then to have a lower threshold to losing my mind than some people...maybe I'll remember something eventually...."
She takes a deep breath and stands up. "Well, I hope it does...because we should talk about it. I bet it would be a real eye opener for everyone who ever had misconceptions about Pete Ross and what's going on under that exterior..."
I smile at her, tell her we'll do that and say goodbye before I turn away before my face betrays my desire to stop her leaving to go to Clark. She can't know...it would ruin everything.
It's then I feel her gentle lips on my cheek as she kisses me softly as I face the opposite wall. She hovers over my ear for a second and I feel her warm breath as she speaks.
"No one has ever told me I'm beautiful before and meant it. Thank you for that. Whenever you're ready Pete, I'll be waiting. And don't think you can fob me off with the amnesia excuse forever...I'm a reporter and very persistent. Get well and I'll see you later."
She kisses me again quickly and as I turn around to look at her all I can see is her walking away straight towards Clark and Whitney. I take a deep breath as I close my eyes and imagine all the different ways that the conversation that I know I'll never let happen could end. That's the choice I'm left with: fantasy or reality?
Reality is that I made a fool of myself in front of a woman I could and maybe am in love with. Reality is that Lex Luthor is a liar and is somewhat responsible for what happened to everyone no matter how much he helped fix the damage. Reality is that my best friend is a freak with weird as hell powers and couldn't be bothered telling me. Or maybe he couldn't trust me...I don't know which I prefer...
Reality is that Chloe is in love with Clark. I think back on what Chloe said and remember the feel of her lips on my skin, and the feel of her touch. Reality is that I will never stand a chance with her while she's hung up on Clark. Reality is that ignorance is bliss and that sometimes it's better not to shake the boat. That's why I will never remember what happened in the lab. I will never mention that Clark is...different. I will not mention that I know Lex is lying. I will not mention that I'm sorry for scaring her and that she really is beautiful.
Why?
Because I'm Pete Ross, funny guy and best friend to two. I'm the one they can both talk to about their love lifes and what's going on at home. I'm the one that will eventually make Clark realise that Chloe is actually a woman that he will fall in love with in a second if he gives it a chance. And I'm the one that will be the spare wheel in their relationship. And you know why I'll do this even though it will kill me?
Because I need my head in that sand, I need to pretend that nothing is wrong. I need her to get over Clark and I need my best friend to trust me with whatever the hell his secret powers come from.
Because I need everyone to believe that nothing has changed and that I'm the same guy. That's how I'll get through that conversation when Chloe is trying to get me to admit something happened. That's how I'll be able to look Clark in the eye. That's how I'll get over the fact that nothings the same between us three now. I'll bury my head and pray that Chloe will eventually choose me and that Clark will eventually trust me.
But, until then I'll be good old Pete desperately trying to cling to that bliss that I vaguely remember from before I stopped being ignorant. And I'll look happy while I'm doing it, because I know that things will fall into place eventually. It's just a matter of perseverence and I can't think of a better reason to persevere than her.
~fini~
DISCLAIMER: None of the characters belong to me, so all credit goes to the WB and DC comics. I only took them out to play to put Pete in the spotlight where he belongs. :)
~ ~ ~
They say that ignorance is bliss when they want you to believe that there is an excuse for your own stupidity and naivety. Sometimes it's easier to ignore the thing that is happening right in front of you, because if you don't then you have to deal with it. And sometimes, in certain circumstances...it's better to stick your head in the sand and pretend that it hasn't happened. That nothing has changed.
That everything is fine.
The trouble is that I know it's not fine. Nothing is fine now. In the space of a day everything I have tried to hide from has decided to come out from hiding, in style. Hell, they may as well have carried a neon sign for how obvious it eventually was. And the truly pathetic thing? It took a blast from a stupid flower to make me realise what I always knew. It took a stupid flower to make me embarass myself in front of the one person I can't have.
It took a blast to turn my life onto it's head.
I look at her as she sits beside me, babelling away as usual: Everyone's fine. We were so scared. Next time you steal my car I'm going to be seriously mad at you. I'm glad your okay. You really freaked. No one remembers what they did. Do you?
She says that almost hopefully and its more a statement than a question: i'You *do not* remember what you did.' /i For a girl with such an inquisitive nature she is pretty neutral. Usually she would be busting my ass on details: what is the last thing I remember doing? How did I feel when I began to lose it? Did I mean it when I told her she was beautiful?
The answers? I remember it all...why my fever didn't cause the amnesia that everyone else has been struck with god only knows, although the fact that my best friend knocked me out with the force of a truck probably helped. I didn't sucumb to fever...I sucumbed to Clark and his...his...powers.
Powers...
He's Clark. My best friend since forver. We went to school together all our lives and I know him like he was my brother. Or so I thought. You see Clark is not what I thought he was...he so much more than I thought he was and I knew it. I've known it for ages because of the crap thats been going on and it all makes sense now. Why he doesn't want to be on the football team? If he tackled someone he'd snap them in two. Why he is never late? He moved fast enough to disarm me tonight so no doubt he can run like the wind. Why is he the centre of attention? Because he's a nice guy...who has that hero complex that chicks dig. That hero complex that she digs.
The hero complex I lack completely. I get one hint of being possesed by something and I weird out and start trying to kill people. I guess I should look on the brightside, at least I didn't do a striptease and proclaim my feelings to Chloe half naked. Maybe it's a good thing that Lana has forgotten...
How did I feel when I began to lose it? I felt...free. I felt I didn't have to hide behind the mask of the best friend. Behind the pretence that I didn't care that I was losing the best friendship I ever had because of Luthor.
Behind the happy facade that I erected to hide the fact that it killed me everytime she mooned after Clark in front of me totally oblivious to how I felt. Knowing that if Clark ever opened his eyes and saw what I saw then I would be the ultimate third wheel and that I would be expected to be happy for them.
So yes, I felt free. But I scared myself as much as I scared her and I can't forget the pure terror in her eyes as I held the gun at her as I demanded her damn car keys. And what did she do? She went to Clark...the hero who saved the day. Maybe if I had been stronger it would have been me she had run to...
I look at her as she stops talking for a minute and looks at me. She is nearly crying and I want to make her feel better, but I can't think of the words to say. Somehow I don't think 'I love you and I'm sorry because you don't feel the same way but I can't help it' will make her feel a whole lot better. She takes a deep breath and asks me again whether or not I remember anything I said while I was under the influence? Anything I did? Anything I wanted to say or do?
I look at her. What would be the chances of me telling her that I remebered everything (minus the Clark stuff) and her throwing her arms around me and reciproating everything I feel? I close my eyes and wallow in that fantasy for a second. Would it be worth the risk? It could ruin everything...but, if there was a chance, wouldn't it be worth it? Don't I least have a slight chance that she wouldn't roll around the floor laughing? I mean, I'm not that bad a catch. I mean, I'm pretty good looking if I do say so myself, I like to think I'm funny and I hope I'm a good friend and a nice person. She could do worse than go for a guy like me.
Unfortunately, she already has went for a guy like me. Only the optimum model withoutmy annoying traits. Clark is better looking, maybe not as funny but definately got a good sense of humour, he is sensitive, and he is a great friend. And he's a hero. Admittedly he's a lying jerk as well, that is probably only as alluring because he has super powers but, no matter what, he's a hero. And a nice guy.
How do I compete with that?
I open my eyes and look at her as she looks at me expectantly. She asks again softly, she doesn't have the agressive urgency I'm used to from her so I know she's desperate for an answer. Do I remember what I did?
I smile at her and shake my head as I answer with false cheer.
"No Chloe, of course not...you know what the docs said to Lana and Mr Kent. The fever struck us all amnesiacs...we don't have to live with the embarrasment of what we did."
It's the answer she expects and I hope I've kept it light enough not to arouse suspicion. She looks at me with a mixture of relief and confusion and my heart begins to ache. I clench my fist under the covers to give me something to think about while she looks at me intently. God, why won't she look away? Why doesn't she go see Clark? Why is she so beautiful? Why can't I forget again?
She puts her hand gingerly on my bare arm as she looks at me. I take a deep breath and pray it's not audible as she begins to speak.
"The...the thing is, Pete. The docs said that...well, your fever never reached the same lofty heights as Lana's and Mr Kent's...so...you know, you shouldn't have forgot..."
I look at her for a second and shake my head as I smile at her. Let sleeping dogs lie Chloe...don't dig up answers you don't want to hear. Didn't she remember anything from those stupid classes she made us take?
"I guess it's just my dumb luck then to have a lower threshold to losing my mind than some people...maybe I'll remember something eventually...."
She takes a deep breath and stands up. "Well, I hope it does...because we should talk about it. I bet it would be a real eye opener for everyone who ever had misconceptions about Pete Ross and what's going on under that exterior..."
I smile at her, tell her we'll do that and say goodbye before I turn away before my face betrays my desire to stop her leaving to go to Clark. She can't know...it would ruin everything.
It's then I feel her gentle lips on my cheek as she kisses me softly as I face the opposite wall. She hovers over my ear for a second and I feel her warm breath as she speaks.
"No one has ever told me I'm beautiful before and meant it. Thank you for that. Whenever you're ready Pete, I'll be waiting. And don't think you can fob me off with the amnesia excuse forever...I'm a reporter and very persistent. Get well and I'll see you later."
She kisses me again quickly and as I turn around to look at her all I can see is her walking away straight towards Clark and Whitney. I take a deep breath as I close my eyes and imagine all the different ways that the conversation that I know I'll never let happen could end. That's the choice I'm left with: fantasy or reality?
Reality is that I made a fool of myself in front of a woman I could and maybe am in love with. Reality is that Lex Luthor is a liar and is somewhat responsible for what happened to everyone no matter how much he helped fix the damage. Reality is that my best friend is a freak with weird as hell powers and couldn't be bothered telling me. Or maybe he couldn't trust me...I don't know which I prefer...
Reality is that Chloe is in love with Clark. I think back on what Chloe said and remember the feel of her lips on my skin, and the feel of her touch. Reality is that I will never stand a chance with her while she's hung up on Clark. Reality is that ignorance is bliss and that sometimes it's better not to shake the boat. That's why I will never remember what happened in the lab. I will never mention that Clark is...different. I will not mention that I know Lex is lying. I will not mention that I'm sorry for scaring her and that she really is beautiful.
Why?
Because I'm Pete Ross, funny guy and best friend to two. I'm the one they can both talk to about their love lifes and what's going on at home. I'm the one that will eventually make Clark realise that Chloe is actually a woman that he will fall in love with in a second if he gives it a chance. And I'm the one that will be the spare wheel in their relationship. And you know why I'll do this even though it will kill me?
Because I need my head in that sand, I need to pretend that nothing is wrong. I need her to get over Clark and I need my best friend to trust me with whatever the hell his secret powers come from.
Because I need everyone to believe that nothing has changed and that I'm the same guy. That's how I'll get through that conversation when Chloe is trying to get me to admit something happened. That's how I'll be able to look Clark in the eye. That's how I'll get over the fact that nothings the same between us three now. I'll bury my head and pray that Chloe will eventually choose me and that Clark will eventually trust me.
But, until then I'll be good old Pete desperately trying to cling to that bliss that I vaguely remember from before I stopped being ignorant. And I'll look happy while I'm doing it, because I know that things will fall into place eventually. It's just a matter of perseverence and I can't think of a better reason to persevere than her.
~fini~