Beneath me
Darkness. Pain. Lonely cries. That is all I remember. That is all I ever dream.
I am a Jedi. I don t have nightmares. I don t have nightmares. Don t have nightmares. I am a Jedi. I don t have nightmares, don t have nightmares. I do not feel a thing. I only feel the Force. I don t have nightmares. I don t have any desire what so ever, I have no need. I am needless, desireless. My mind is blank and devoted to the Force, to the Jedi order.
I can t stand it. I m meditating, saying the things that I should say to make it all better but it doesn t work. I can say that those feelings aren t there for a milion times. I have the persistance to do so.
It is all a lie. I have been brought here when I was five years old. That is exactly four and a half years too late.
By that time I have met anger, pain, love, jelaousy…..a whole bunch of feelings that a Jedi should never know.
I am a Jedi.
This is beneath me.
To feel. To cry. To wonder without any good reason. To wonder just because I feel like it. This is all so wrong.
I can t let myself go.
I must restrain my mind. I must set an example for the younger Padawans. The younger Padawans that have been here since babies who barely knew anything about the world. I can t be even compared to other Padawans my age.
Is this fight in my mind going to last forever? I wonder.
Today is my thirteenth birthday. If no Jedi Master or Knight does not choose me as his or hers Padawan……they will send me back to my home planet. Mayselib.
I remember very little of it.
Very little.
Only the black skies, the neverending night. My mothers vibrant voice, her cries, my cries.
I m afraid. Nobody ever wanted me as a Padawan. Nobody ever wanted to train with me in pair. I was always dependent on my mentors here, at the Temple.
I don t want to go back to that horrid place. I know that it s evil and far away from the Republic. I have marks that prove it. On my arms, elbows….black thin lines with strange symbols. I had them all of my life. Nobody ever told me why they were there. I never asked. I never talked freely about my training or anything with the mentors as the other children did.
Maybe that s what s wrong with me.
This is what s wrong with me. I m supposed to meditate and to prepare for training today. We are going to practice with our lightsabers (not the real ones offcourse, somebody would lose an arm) and we will try to use the force for something more than sencing feelings and colaborations.
Three Jedi Masters and one Jedi Knight will be there. Master Ksati-Bilaux, Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, Master Landé and Knight Farella. I have never met or seen any of them. They will choose their Padawans. I fear this so. The others in my group are ten to eleven years old.
And they are all beyond me with their skill and knowledge.
It s not my fault that I came here when I was five. It s not my fault that I can t stop the feelings that come to mind.
It s not my fault.
I remember what Master Yoda told us:»Mind of free you must be.» It was a long time ago. But still….I remember it vivid like the voice of all those people I do not know. I hear it often. I try to avoid them. They are nogthing, just ghosts of my past.
The doors open. It s Jinnayannah, Padawan of Master Pandium. She was chosen when she was seven years old.
«It s time.»
«I know.»
«If you are meant to do so, you shall become a Jedi.»
«And if I m not?»
«Then there is noghting left for you here.»
«I don t trust that.»
«You are not acting like a Jedi Padawan should. Stay calm.»
I went straight past her. It was easy for her to say the things she said.
Even if she never got chosen……..her planet is mild and peacefull. Not at all like the darkness of Mayselib.
I am here. Finnaly.
I take my lightasaber. Spin it around my hand. I m doing very well!
But just a glimpse at the Jedi s that were looking at us made me lose my balance and I droped the damn thing. Burned my hand. The skin was torn out and blood came out. These lightsabers weren t as the ones we were using as little children. If this has been a real one-I would cut my arm off.
I deserve not to be a Jedi.
Master Windu who I didn t notice before came up to me and took a look at my hand.
«You are thirteen today.»
«Yes Master Windu.»
«This may be your last day here.»
«I am aware of that Master Windu.»
He takes a good sympatetic look at me.
«I think that it s best for you to heal that hand. It s hurt. Then we can discuss about other things.»
My heart started pounding. This does not look good. It never was good.
«I prefer to end this training.»
«Alright then.»
He handed me my lightsaber. I took it and almost screamed. My torned hand was in great pain.
I must focus, must focus. Must stay straight. Keep your mind clear. Everything else, every other sence, every other feeling is beneath you.
Calm down. Calm down.
Now we must exercize in pairs. I don t want to even think about this. I know that I will be humiliated, burned down as I always am.
The young Padawan in front of me, Cleaven is powerful for his age. And arogant inspite of his training.
How sad.
And a little creep like that is going to be a Jedi. And I m going back to Mayselib to enjoy the endless nights that the planet has to offer.
I could have got all the information on Mayselib that I would want from the library. But I don t dare to find out. Of the things that might wait for me back there. Nightmares in living flesh. Or metal.
Fear. A nuder feeling that is beneath me. Wrong. It s beneath a Jedi. I am not a Jedi, not by a long run.
He starts first. I defend myself, barely. And he s doing it on purpose. To give me hope and then to burry it. I know all his tricks by now. There will be no suprise. Defeat isn t such a suprise, not anymore.
He got the lightsaber out of my hands, burning me even more with no bother. I was sent to meditate along with the others that were beaten.
I can feel the wetness in my eyes. It s not because of the pain. It s the humiliation.
I can see Master Windu s eyes. They are blank, leaving no space for prejudice. But he is not going to bend the rules for me. I m not that valuable.
It s not fair. Anakin Skywalker was older than me when he came here. And he was chosen as a Padawan.
All I need is a good teacher. And I know that I could and I will show my best wich is much better than anything shown there in that horrid room.
I m not going back to Mayselib. If I must escape….I will. I ll live on the streets if necesary. I m not going back. What would my family say about it….I don t know them. But I know the things that would be said.
I went away as a little girl to become a Jedi. And now, eight years after that…..they would bring me back as a piece of junk that isn t good enough.
Well I am good enough. Much better than anybody. And this is my final chance to prove it.
A droid came nearer to wrap my hand. Didn t even notice him. Didn t notice that my attire was all bloody. How am I going to show myself like that?!?
Stop. Clear your mind. Clear it. Make it feel all empty inside. Enjoy that emptyness. Feel it in yourself. This is you. That calmness, that emptyness is you.
After meditaion is over we will get an assignment. I don t know what is it going to be.
Be calm. Clear your mind. Relax. Feel the emptyness. That emptyness is your life. Feel the Force. You must be empty to sence the Force, to take it in…
I m ready.
I think.
I sit down. A young child is in front of me. He smiles. I sence the Force in him. I think I sence the Force in him. He makes me feel calm.
I do something that was wrong, so wrong. Can t I ever learn?
I looked at the Jedi Masters and felt crumbled at the sight of them.
Is this ever going to stop. I couldn t concetrate the way I should have. The glass ball we were meant to lift up in the air exploded. By my fault. Little pieces of it scratched my forehead. I feel little drops of blood on it, the feeling, I feel like a monster.
So I bow my head down. This is the end. No more hoping, no more dreaming. They will send me back to Mayselib.
I got up and walked out of the room.
Master Windu folowed me.
«You are not going back to Mayselib if that s what you re afraid of.»
«I m not?»
«No. You can stay here. You won t be training to become a Jedi, but you can still be of help.»
This scenario seems much worse than going away to Mayselib.
«I know that it s not easy…»
«It s not my fault that I wasn t brought here earlier!»
«I realise that but there is noghting that we can do now.»
«Then send me to Mayselib.»
«We won t do that.»
«Why not?»
«You never wondered about the planet so nobody ever told you.
Mayselib is a ruined planet. It s people, your people live on it as slaves. In the mines in wich they work, live and die.
Those marks on you are plans. Plans for the replacement of your arms with droid ones, ones that they could control so that you would work the maximum amount of time and could not escape.»
He s always straight forward, he believes that I m ferm enough. Am I?
So. That cold metal touch that I remember. That was probably my mother.
And the darkness. Those were the mines.
They took me far away from that place. But they can t put me back. And they can t leave me here.
I don t belong here. I don t belong to this world.
I don t belong anywhere.
Feelings like this are beneath a Jedi.
Right now…..I m beneath myself.
Master Windu was still here. He senced everything that was going on.
«I can do better. I know I can. If I could just have a good mentor, I know I could be better than anyone from that room, I could be much better.
I just need a second chance.»
«I m sorry Séba. There are no more chances.»
Just like that. It s easy for him to say «no more chances».
This is it. I m quiting. There is nogthing more to do here.
I can t let myself go just yet. I m forcing myself to, but……I can t. It s not natural.
I can t give myself up.
«Wait just a second there!», a voice behind me yells. Good news, I hope.
«Master Windu.»
«Master Obi-Wan.»
«I would like to spend the day with this young girl. I believe that she would prove to be a good Padawan.»
I m saved. I don t know how can I ever thank him.
Master Windu smiled, «I m glad you believe so Master Obi-Wan.
Séba, do you agree with this?»
«Yes Master Windu, I do agree.»
He turned and walked away. I have a second chance. Now I can prove myself. I wonder what does Master Obi-Wan see in me.
«Séba. That is your name?»
«Yes Master Obi-Wan.»
«And today you are thirteen years old.»
«Yes Master Obi-Wan.»
«This is your last chance. You realize that?»
«Yes I do Master Obi-Wan.»
«You should change your clothes. It s all covered with blood.»
«No thank you Master Obi-Wan, I m okay.»
«Is your hand alright?»
«It is Master Obi-Wan»
«It doesn t look like that.»
«Many things don t look the way they really are Master Obi-Wan.»
«They don t? Interesting to hear that from a Padawan. Maybe you could teach me a thing or two.
You can lift your head up. I don t bite.»
«Thank you Master Obi-Wan.»
«I would like to take you to a place if I may to check up on something. We should…»
«Offcourse Master Obi-Wan.»
Stops for a moment before he continues, «You didn t seem this obedient when I saw you in training.»
«I had no reason to be obedient Master Obi-Wan.»
«I m glad you find reason for it now.»
«Thank you Master Obi-Wan.»
«From where do you come from?»
«From a planet called Mayselib.»
«Mayselib, isn t that…?»
«Yes Master Obi-Wan, that is the planet where people live as slaves.»
«There s more.»
«Yes Master Obi-Wan, I know.»
«How old were you when you came here?»
«I was five years old Master Obi-Wan.»
«You are far behind.»
«I realise that Master Obi-Wan.»
«Are you prepared to give everything that you can to become a Jedi.»
«Yes Master Obi-Wan, I am.»
«I believe you. The Force is strong in you.»
I look at him in disbelief.
«I know that nobody probably told you that, but...there aren t a lot of Padawans like you. Not many of them would still keep going after hurting themselfes in that way.»
«Thank you Master Obi-Wan. But I am still not a Padawan.»
«You are now. I m not going to let you be sent back to Mayselib.»
So I m going to be his Padawan for the sole reason of his feeling of sorow over me and my life back there. Droid arms, maybe legs, who knows?
Why doesn t the Republic free Mayselib?
I have a feeling that they can t.
«I am not making you a Padawan from sorow. It is because I believe you truly could be a great Jedi Master.»
«Thank you Master Obi-Wan.»
«I shall not say this again: lift your head up. I don t bite.»
«Yes Master Obi-Wan. I m sorry.»
«Follow me.»
I didn t ask where to.
I m a Padawan.
I AM a JEDI in TRAINING.
I am a Padawan.
I thought that everything is going to end. But now…..I have a new begining in front of me.
A new mentor. I don t know where is he taking me. But I trust him. He brings trust in me. And I know that from now on there is noghting that I won t be able to do.
And feelings of rejection, lonelyness….they don t egsist anymore. They are all beneath a Jedi.
They are all beneath me.
A/N: Well this is interesting. My second Star Wars fic. Feel free to flame but-in the form of constructive critism only.
I ll keep going with this one (I think). If not-it s good just the way it is.
If somebody out there is wondering:
-this fic will not contain any romances between Séba and Obi-Wan
-this is my version of what could go on in Episode 3