a/n: previously published on A03 and tumblr - i just want attention and more stories under my name. author honesty - ha.

Million Reasons

"I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away
But baby, I just need one good one to stay."
Lady Gaga; Million Reasons

Leia rarely sought to end her arguments with Han by running away from him; in fact, she usually stuck around long enough to ensure she was considered the winner, and they mutually stormed away from each other, or were interrupted by someone and persuaded to drop what they were fighting about.

This, though, had become too deep too fast; at some point, she realized they clearly weren't merely fighting about his unorthodox flight path back from Ord Mantell, but something else, and she'd sought to put and end to the rising volatility by spinning on her heel and cutting him off.

Han, having none of it, followed her, though judging by how quick his footsteps had been, he'd stood there stunned for a moment before running after her – regardless, she made it all the way to her bunk room with him snarling at her and refusing to back down – she even made to slam her door in his face, but he smacked his palm hard into the door and forced it open – and he was stronger than her, and she clutched the door helplessly, glaring at him, her face half-hidden.

"Back off, Han."

"You're not gonna just walk away from this one, Princess," he spat, holding the door firmly.

She bared her teeth and took a deep breath, mustering something to say –

She came up short, though – how had this happened? It had gone from her yelling at him for choosing a risky route through hyperspace – yes, they needed to get off Ord Mantell and out of the area fast, but he had gone through heavily trafficked Imperial lanes – and it was stupid – and it was reckless and Leia had been terrified –

"You owe me an apology," he snapped at her.

"I – an apology?" she shrieked, releasing the door and stepping forward. "I don't give a damn if we got here safely, we could have been tailed, we could have been seen – I will not apologize for calling you out on your asinine disregard for this Rebellion – "

"That's not it," he barked, interrupting her. He put his hand out, pointing at her sharply.

"Then what are you –

"You know damn well what I'm talking about!" he shouted.

She looked away sharply, swallowing hard, her own angry accusation echoing in her ears –

"You'd hand me over to Vader if it would save your own ass, wouldn't you?"

Han clenched his fist, pushing it into the door.

"I had to do something," he snapped, "and the best choice was the unexpected one – that bounty hunter didn't think we'd take that route in a thousand years – I know you don't think I put myself between you and a bullet on Ord Mantell just to sell you to Vader!"

His eyes flashed as he watched her throat move tensely – he'd only been clipped, because the bounty hunter's weapon had inexplicably malfunctioned at the exact moment Leia had screamed and tried to push Han back out of the way – and maybe all of this frenzied fighting was ensuing from the fact that both of them, mere hours ago, had exposed the deeper nature of their feelings by trying to protect the other even if it meant their own fatality.

"I shouldn't have said that," Leia lashed out finally, her throat constricted.

"You're damn right," he fired back.

He lowered his hand, and looked at her tersely, his brows furrowing in a deep scowl.

"I'm sick of this," he said gruffly, taking a step forward. "I'm tired of it, Leia – "

"Of what?" she snapped. "If you don't want me berating you, then stop doing things without discussing them with me when it's my life on the line, too – "

"Sweetheart, I could bring you the Emperor's head on a platter and you'd still find something wrong with me because this doesn't have a fucking thing to do with me – it's you."

She sucked in her breath, her heart stuttering.

"I take one step forward with you and you spend the next week dragging me three steps back, because Gods forbid you allow yourself a little human emotion – "

"Han – !" she shouted – she couldn't hear that, not from him of all people, he knew she was more than that –

"You're not stupid, Princess, and you're sure as hell not blind, so instead of having a full-on panic attack when it occurs to you that you might actually like me, why don't you sit down with your internal committee and give it a chance?"

"Like you? Like – what are you – Han, you're out of your – "

"I've seen the way you look at me when you think I don't notice," he said, lowering his voice, "and it's always right after a look like that when the claws come out – it's not my fault you can't handle that you've got it bad for some lowlife like me, but stop taking it out on me – "

"If you know I can't handle it then why are you screaming at me about it?" she interrupted, silencing him with both her volume, and the impact of what she said.

She compressed her lips, and closed her eyes – his expression looked grim, suddenly, and hurt, and she rushed to try to put some words together –

"It's not – Han, I don't think you're a lowlife," she choked quickly – she hadn't meant to confirm that, but maybe he was …. on to something concerning how starkly horrified she was by the idea of letting herself feel.

She shoved her forehead tiredly against her door.

"I know you notice," she confessed, her words trembling. She always looked at him a little too long, a little too openly, and he always caught her – and he, invariably, came up with something flippant or lewd to say, and lately, she wasn't in the mood for it; she started to feel for him, and he never took anything seriously, and she needed to be taken seriously if she was going to do this – because Sith knew the High Command was going to think it outrageously foolish.

"You never say the right thing, Han," she sighed, irritated. "You make me feel like a silly little girl."

A silly, foolish little Princess with no homeworld and a ridiculous, unlikely crush.

He ran his hand over his face, and gave her a flat look.

"You don't either," he threw back at her frankly. "This isn't politics, Your Worship, it's passion."

Leia compressed her lips tightly, her eyes darkening.

"Passion wasn't covered in my education."

Han stepped forward and slid his arm around her waist in a bold, swift movement, his other still holding the door open. She held her breath, and he took his hand off the door, resting it against her neck, tilting her head up. She stared at him, holding her breath – which wasn't her best idea to date, because when he lowered his head, pressed his lips to hers, and kissed her, she really couldn't breathe.

She half expected him to pick her up, kick the door shut, and throw her on the bed – the way action heroes always did in the holos – but he just kissed her, his hand running down to her shoulder, then back up to her neck, his arm tightening around her waist – until he finally stopped and pulled back, looking at her almost hesitantly – apprehensively.

He loosened his grip on her, and, unprepared for the extra support, she lost her balance and put her hands on his chest, her forehead hovering near his shoulder.

Her knees –

He put his hand back on her hip, and tilted his head, eyeing her for a moment, and then laughing quietly.

"Really, Sweetheart?" he drawled. "Your knees buckled?"

She was sure she blushed from head to toe, and for a moment, she kept her head bowed, her fingers playing with the edges of his vest. She looked up, finally, and swallowed hard.

"This isn't easy for me, Han," she said quietly.

He might have been spot-on with his analysis of why, recently, she had become even more combative with him than she had been at first, but that didn't mean she could let go of everything that was holding her back in one instant, just because of a kiss.

He seemed to have lost his taste for the arguing, and he surprised her by nodding. He ran his hand over her hair, kissed her temple, and stepped back, leaning against the door frame.

"Look," he started, "Leia," he went on tiredly, dropping the irreverent nicknames. "I can't take this much longer."

She took a deep breath and nodded – of course, she couldn't expect him to put up with endless abuse simply because she couldn't get a handle on herself. It didn't help that – well this whole shot-to-hell mission on Ord Mantell just seemed to reiterate that they had their own battles and their own worlds to live in, and the middle of a war was no place for romance.

"You're going to leave," she said – and he didn't know if it was a question, or a statement, or some kind of plea for him to correct her, but he just stood there, looking at her guardedly.

"Yeah," he agreed finally – because of Ord Mantell, because of Jabba, because this cat-and-mouse game was no good for his nerves, his heart, or his soul.

He turned to go, and then reached up to rub his jaw, turning back to look at her pointedly.

"Unless you give me a reason to stay."

He did leave, after that, and Leia stepped into the doorway to watch him go, leaning against the frame, her arms wrapped around herself tightly. She thought about going after him, but she wasn't ready to make promises to him she couldn't keep, and this Rebellion was the world she knew.

So she stayed where she was, and wondered if he'd change his mind.

i think this came of someone requesting i write a kiss that was a pre-circuitry bay kiss
when Han teases her for her weak knees i think of Mia in The Princess Diaries - "my foot popped!"

-alexandra

story #328