NO ESCAPE
Alone and cold. It was nothing new, only this time however; she was more alone and colder. The coldness pinched at her, hissed at her, flowing through her like she was not there. She gazed up. The sun was lying back upon the clouds. She could not understand how she could be so cold? The trees did not shiver, and their leaves were greening, basking in the sunlight. How could she be so cold? Her eyes wandered down and then closed as an instant reaction. That's why.
Closing her eyes had been a salvation, had been. She could close her eyes and all the world's wrongs were right, she had called the shots. Now it encased her instead of setting her free. Like a hollow block of ice she could not escape the memories that circled her. Like vicious dogs they tore at her feelings and thoughts, trying to break her down, make her remember what she was trying so hard to forget. Now when she closes her eyes, this is what would happen. The rights turn to wrongs and she has no say, when she opens her eyes everything remains the same.
She felt a frail hand dance across her shoulder. Her curiosity made her turn around and she saw an old man's stony face. She had forgotten he was here. He bowed his head down and muttered a few words of condolence but by the sound of his voice she could tell he didn't care, he was immune. She turned away from his false promises and false forgiveness, she was still alone.
She knelt down. The grass was wet, it soaked through her tights. She wondered if it was still early and the morning dew had not yet lifted, then again she wondered if it was from her bittersweet tears. Her head fell into her hands, she was not aware that she had shed tears. She had not felt them trail down her icy face as if they were trying to run as far away from her as possible. But she knew deep inside that tears had no life of their own. It was just the law of gravity taking advantage of her. To her there had been five types of tears; fear, joy, sorrow, relief and regret. Her tears did not fall under any of these categories. She wiped her face with the back of her hand. Why was she thinking of this now? It didn't matter.
She gazed around her. No one. She couldn't see anybody with her on this field of lost souls, at least, from the ground she couldn't. It was now that she realised this place was so barren and empty. It looked somewhat out of place. From the busy urban wasteland that lay ahead and the bustling concrete jungle behind, from another point of view, it could be deemed a small piece of heaven. No pun intended. She wiped her face again. But that all was from another point of view. She had always liked crowds. It was somewhere to get lost in. to blend in. she didn't have to care about what she was wearing, how she smelled. That was insignificant, in a crowd. But alone.that was different. She tugged on her hair self-consciously and knelt still for a minute. Her knees were numb now, she should move. She contemplated getting up for a while then decided to stay put. Her knees were at the stage where they were so cold they felt warm.
Finally, after a whole day of fighting it, she brought herself to look at the thick, cold grey slab. There was a small moment of silence before she let out a glass-shattering wail. All her emotions scattered free like dust sprinkled into the wind. She cried out with such passion her chest became heavy every time she drew a breath. Tears flooded form her eyes. Everything she had kept inside for so long just escaped. Left her. She grabbed at they slab and embraced it with all her might. Slowly with her finger she traced out the engraved words. Closure, she needed closure. Through the tears she sobbed out the words for the first and last time. "Alexia Sidle", she finally brought herself to say. "Alexia. Born 28th of August 2002." She stayed silent for a while unable to bring herself to utter the words. "Died, 28th of August 2003. May she live on not in our lives but in our hearts."
She pulled her self to her feet. She had to leave. She was not ready for this. She spun around trying to make shapes out through her veil of tears. She had to escape from here. She stumbled away. Not looking back. A place she could escape, but memories of her daughter, she could not.
Alone and cold. It was nothing new, only this time however; she was more alone and colder. The coldness pinched at her, hissed at her, flowing through her like she was not there. She gazed up. The sun was lying back upon the clouds. She could not understand how she could be so cold? The trees did not shiver, and their leaves were greening, basking in the sunlight. How could she be so cold? Her eyes wandered down and then closed as an instant reaction. That's why.
Closing her eyes had been a salvation, had been. She could close her eyes and all the world's wrongs were right, she had called the shots. Now it encased her instead of setting her free. Like a hollow block of ice she could not escape the memories that circled her. Like vicious dogs they tore at her feelings and thoughts, trying to break her down, make her remember what she was trying so hard to forget. Now when she closes her eyes, this is what would happen. The rights turn to wrongs and she has no say, when she opens her eyes everything remains the same.
She felt a frail hand dance across her shoulder. Her curiosity made her turn around and she saw an old man's stony face. She had forgotten he was here. He bowed his head down and muttered a few words of condolence but by the sound of his voice she could tell he didn't care, he was immune. She turned away from his false promises and false forgiveness, she was still alone.
She knelt down. The grass was wet, it soaked through her tights. She wondered if it was still early and the morning dew had not yet lifted, then again she wondered if it was from her bittersweet tears. Her head fell into her hands, she was not aware that she had shed tears. She had not felt them trail down her icy face as if they were trying to run as far away from her as possible. But she knew deep inside that tears had no life of their own. It was just the law of gravity taking advantage of her. To her there had been five types of tears; fear, joy, sorrow, relief and regret. Her tears did not fall under any of these categories. She wiped her face with the back of her hand. Why was she thinking of this now? It didn't matter.
She gazed around her. No one. She couldn't see anybody with her on this field of lost souls, at least, from the ground she couldn't. It was now that she realised this place was so barren and empty. It looked somewhat out of place. From the busy urban wasteland that lay ahead and the bustling concrete jungle behind, from another point of view, it could be deemed a small piece of heaven. No pun intended. She wiped her face again. But that all was from another point of view. She had always liked crowds. It was somewhere to get lost in. to blend in. she didn't have to care about what she was wearing, how she smelled. That was insignificant, in a crowd. But alone.that was different. She tugged on her hair self-consciously and knelt still for a minute. Her knees were numb now, she should move. She contemplated getting up for a while then decided to stay put. Her knees were at the stage where they were so cold they felt warm.
Finally, after a whole day of fighting it, she brought herself to look at the thick, cold grey slab. There was a small moment of silence before she let out a glass-shattering wail. All her emotions scattered free like dust sprinkled into the wind. She cried out with such passion her chest became heavy every time she drew a breath. Tears flooded form her eyes. Everything she had kept inside for so long just escaped. Left her. She grabbed at they slab and embraced it with all her might. Slowly with her finger she traced out the engraved words. Closure, she needed closure. Through the tears she sobbed out the words for the first and last time. "Alexia Sidle", she finally brought herself to say. "Alexia. Born 28th of August 2002." She stayed silent for a while unable to bring herself to utter the words. "Died, 28th of August 2003. May she live on not in our lives but in our hearts."
She pulled her self to her feet. She had to leave. She was not ready for this. She spun around trying to make shapes out through her veil of tears. She had to escape from here. She stumbled away. Not looking back. A place she could escape, but memories of her daughter, she could not.