I still forgive you, Amir agha
A Kite Runner fanfiction
Pages 91-93 from Hassan's perspective, where Amir throws the pomegranates at Hassan.
Originally written for a high school senior English final project
Amir agha finally wants to talk to me. I can't hang the clothes to dry fast enough. I may not be ready to tell Amir agha about what happened the night I ran the last kite for him, but things could finally, finally start to go back to normal.
I love Amir agha's stories. Not the ones Amir agha reads from the old books he brings from school, or the ones he finds in the house, but the stories Amir agha writes. They're easier to understand and much more entertaining, except the story about Sohrab will always be my favorite. Amir Agha hasn't read anything aloud for a long time, or at least it seems like a long time.
I doubt Amir agha would ever admit it aloud, but he loves reading the stories, both from the books and his own, as much as I love listening to them.
I finish hanging the clothes and bound towards Amir agha, overflowing with nervous excitement. I didn't realize how starved I was for his company until I was interrogating Amir agha about everything he had been doing since we last held a decent conversation. Our estrangement was partially my fault, but it could all be better again, I knew it.
Amir agha led me to sit in the shade of the pomegranate tree. Amir agha always led. Some of the things Amir agha said made me wonder if I should resent my position or chafe against it, but I never did. I couldn't. Amir agha was my friend and it made him happy to be in charge, it made him smile. Making Amir agha smile, making him happy made me happy, it made me smile. I saw no reason to change anything.
Amir agha started to gather some of the pomegranates into a small pyramid and I helped, carefully arranging them. Finally, finally, Amir agha sat down to read and I leaned against the wall, coiled tight in anticipation as he looked down at the page filled with his writing, letters and shapes I would never be able to understand, but I didn't care. As long as Amir agha was there to read them to me, I would be content. He set the pages down and picked up one of the pomegranates, weighing it in his hand. I looked up at him a little confused, but not less excited. Was he going to act out the story instead?
"What would you do if I hit you with this?"
Was that part of his story? It didn't sound like it. Was Amir agha trying something new? Amir agha wouldn't actually throw it at me. I was Amir agha's friend. Amir agha never truly admitted it, but I knew it to be true.
"What would you do?"
Amir agha wouldn't actually throw the fruit at me; it was like the time he asked if I would eat dirt for him. Amir agha was just testing one of his thoughts. I knew my answer. I would do nothing if he threw it at me. I was going to say so, but the pomegranate exploded against my chest before I could say a word. Pulp sprayed everywhere and landed on the story Amir agha was going to read to me, obscuring some of the words. I stared at the juice splattered across my chest in shock. Amir agha would never actually throw it at me.
"Hit me back!" Amir agha ordered.
No, I can't hit you back, Amir agha. I looked up at him and I just knew. I knew Amir agha had seen what happened that night in the alley. I knew Amir agha has watched and hadn't done anything. I knew Amir agha knew exactly what was going on, that was why he had been acting so strangely. It all made sense.
I didn't blame Amir agha for being there. It meant Amir agha had come looking for me. I didn't blame Amir agha for not saying anything. I would have been too scared as well. I wouldn't have said anything. I didn't blame Amir agha for not doing anything. I would have been too scared as well. I wouldn't have done anything.
"Get up! Hit me!" Amir agha insisted.
Assef didn't hate Amir agha. There was no reason for Assef to hurt Amir agha. If our positions were reversed, I would be just like Amir agha. It didn't make it hurt any less.
Slowly, I stood up. I forgive you, Amir agha. I forgive you! I won't hit you back! I tried to say, but the pomegranate had knocked my breath away.
Amir agha threw another pomegranate. "Hit me back!" he demanded.
No! I don't blame you! I forgive you! I screamed in my head. My mouth just hung open slightly, struggling to draw in the air I needed to tell him so.
"Hit me back, goddam you!"
No! I'm not going to hit you, Amir agha, I can't. A pomegranate hit me and exploded across my stomach. I forgive you, Amir agha. Another struck my stomach, driving my breath away, just as I regained it enough to speak. I refused to double over and break the eye contact I was struggling to make with Amir agha. I forgive you, Amir agha. Another struck my shoulder. I forgive you, Amir agha.
"You're a coward! Nothing but a goddam coward!"
Three more pomegranates hit, and after each one, I repeated: I forgive you, Amir agha. The last one bounced off without breaking and landed between my feet and Amir agha fell to his knees, exhausted. I picked it up and took a few steps forward until I stood directly in front of him. Finally, finally, he met my eye. My breath returned all at once as I slammed the pomegranate against my forehead. The juice splattered and a few droplets landed on Amir agha's face, one traced a line down his upper lip, just like the scar on mine, but Amir agha didn't even notice. "There," I choked out, my throat closing as my eyes burned. "Are you satisfied? Do you feel better?" My throat closed and I finished the rest of what I wanted to say in my head, hoping Amir agha understood. I forgive you, Amir agha. Can everything go back to normal now? Please?
I didn't wait for Amir agha's answer as I turned and trudged down the hill, blood pounding in my ears, my eyes blinded by salty tears mixing with the unripe pomegranate's sour juice. If Amir agha responded, I didn't hear it.
When I reached the bottom of the small hill, I rubbed my eyes clear with a clean patch on my sleeve and looked back up. Amir agha was crying at the top of the hill and the sun behind the tree obscured any other details. Amir agha didn't turn to look at me. Amir agha wasn't going to follow me. Nothing was going to go back to normal. I still forgive you, Amir agha.