Title: Every Night You Stay...
Fandom: Mass Effect
Categories: fShepard/Miranda, onesided Tali/fShepard
Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all characters, locations, ect. remain the property of BioWare. No copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: Tali can't accept Shepard's new relationship. Originally written for the ME Kinkmeme.
She used to enjoy how quiet the Normandy was late at night. Now, Tali was longing for the loud irregular rhythms of Quarian engines – for any sound that would distract her from her own thoughts as she lay there alone in the darkness of the ship's night shift. Unable to sleep, unable to concentrate on anything other than thinking of her.
Her hand moved automatically to the omnitool on her wrist, but she pulled back at the last second. She swore to herself tonight would be different. Tonight she'd maintain some self-control. Tonight she'd force herself not to think of them, not to think of her.
Every night, she'd sworn to herself she wouldn't watch. Every night, eventually curiosity would overwhelm her, and she'd tap in the commands and she'd sit there, watching the naked bodies moving on the tiny screen of her omnitool. Seeing that too-perfect body locked in an embrace with her, seeing Shepard's mouth move in the moans and soft cries of passion she longed to hear herself. Anger mixed with frustrated desire as she watched, seeing every moment as her commander's body lay intertwined with that of the usurper, the Cerberus woman who made Tali's nights into this agony she still couldn't turn away from.
Two years ago, she'd almost gone to Shepard's quarters herself, the night before Ilos, and finally confessed the feelings that had been growing since they'd left the Citadel. She'd hesitated at the last moment, telling herself Shepard didn't need any distractions the night before battle, that there would be other times, better times to tell her.
For two years, there'd been a dull ache in her chest whenever she thought of how she'd let that moment pass, that there would never be another chance to tell her how she felt. Worse though was now, to see her alive, but in the arms of another… it was like a new dagger in her heart every day. To smile, and be polite, and hear Shepard's friendly words and see her open smile each day, while knowing each night she shared her bed with-
She felt an irrational moment of rage that they still hadn't stopped her from seeing them. Surely Miranda, of all people, knew how extensively this new Normandy was bugged? Surely she must know how easy it was to tap into the security cameras at night?
There were paranoid moments when she thought Miranda knew she was watching, that she'd left the surveillance cameras in Shepard's quarters active just to taunt her, to let her see what she could never have.
It would be easier if she could convince herself that Shepard had changed, that she was no longer the woman who had so selflessly aided her on her pilgrimage, that death and resurrection had turned her into something less than she had been. She could have accepted that eventually.
She couldn't believe that, though. She remembered Shepard putting aside everything to ensure she could defend herself from the admiralty's charges of treason, and the feel of her arms around her as she held her close on the Alerei when she'd found her father's body. They way she'd spoken, eyes blazing with cold fury, confronting the admirals with their hypocrisy, saving her father's reputation and her own. Hearing Shepard call her 'one of my people', she'd realised she was prouder of the name vas Normandy than she'd ever been of vas Neema.
How could she say and do things like that for her, and then each night, go to her quarters and crawl into that other woman's arms? Cerberus, cold, calculating – how could Shepard ever love a woman like that?
Sometimes, as she lay in her bunk, studying each moment of the images on the screen, that she almost convinced herself it was all an act, that Shepard's silent confessions of love were just hollow seductions, some secret ploy to deceive the Cerberus woman. She stared at each frame of the recordings, trying to read the true emotions behind Shepard's eyes, trying to convince herself it was impossible Shepard could truly have fallen for Miranda.
Perhaps tonight will be different, she told herself, as she told herself so many times, finally giving into temptation, tapping the commands into her omnitool, hoping that tonight she'd see Shepard sleeping alone. Tonight would be the night Shepard would finally see past that genetically engineered perfection, would finally recoil from that woman's touch.
Her heart sunk as the omnitool connected to the security network, and again she saw the familiar sight of Miranda's pale skin and dark hair as Shepard ran her hands over the Cerberus woman's body. Tali stared, knowing she should stop watching and knowing that once again she wouldn't, that she'd torment herself again watching her commander's hands on that perfect body, imagining it was her own purple breasts Shepard was running her mouth over, imagining it was her own naked skin lying next to Shepard's warm body, imagining it was her hands making Shepard cry out, that it was her the commander looked at with that heart-breaking look of lust and devotion-
Her cheeks burning with humiliation, she finally gave into her desires, tapping the commands into her omnitool to activate the nerve stimulators in her suit. Staring hopelessly at the images on the screen, she gasped softly as she began to feel the simulated caresses, trying to lose herself in the fantasy, still unable to tear her eyes away from the reality.
A single tear ran down her face for a moment before it was absorbed by her suit's recycling systems.