Disclaimer: Hideaki Sorachi, the Man… the Gorilla is the one who made the epically funniest to the empyrean level manga turned anime, Gintama; Shueisha for publishing Gintama; and Sunrise is the animation company who made this epic to the extremely funny anime. If any Gundams, Knightmares, Crush Gears, Youkais, Pretty Cures, Death Gods, Saiyans, Pirate King Wannabes, Hokage idiots, Let's Party-yelling Warlords in Sengoku Era, Vocaloids and Other Mechas are present in this story, blame on them and say thank you; why, it's so epic, you see.
The Misadventures of The Yorozuya continues as Gintoki, Shinpachi, Kagura and the neighborhood of Kabukichou in Oedo (yup, that's Tokyo) are rocking on the city. The Stories that I made are very episodic and funny to read. I would rather add crossovers just to add kick or rather… kick to the groin that make you guffaw out of laughter.
In the story, Gintoki, Shinpachi and Kagura are going to deal with the spirit of Gintoki's wooden sword to know the power of the Ultimate Move and teach them how to use well. Hilarity ensues as the spirit of Gintoki's sword would show some familiar silhouettes on them and forces them to use the powerful ultimate move but they wouldn't want it because they were strong enough to beat the holy crap on him. The question is… what would it be the finishing move for them?
This story may contain more groin kick whether in slow or moderate speed, tons of randomness, fourth wall breaker with an action or overdosed references and shout-outs in italics may vary and very crude language. It may parody other video games or any sort of role playing games that dealt with a number of combo hits and other idiocies. Oh well, it's just a parody.
In Gintama, All characters even females did swear, cuss or say vulgar words a lot. That's a rule.
DON'T TRUST THESE SILHOUETTES, THEY ARE NOTHING BUT STUPID SHADOWS
By: RagnaCloud-Rebirth
"Wake up…"
"Wake up"
The voice reached on the three guys but they would take a rant on them as they want to sleep in a darkened, pitch black room as black as the night.
"Oy, you're such a noisy. Keep your trap closed." Gintoki said in a deadpan manner and it became quiet. After a minute, the same voice comes from the darkness repeating the same word from it.
"Wake up…"
"Wake up!"
"Yeah, yeah, five minutes please." Shinpachi groaned in sleep in a fetal position. After another minute, the voice in the darkness forced them to wake up.
"Wake up…"
"Wake up!"
Still no answer but Kagura gave an incessant yet vulgar rant to the voice as she said "Hey will ya please give me an hour to sleep. I'm sickening to your fraggin' voice that sounds like an idiot." And back to her beauty sleep as the annoying voice would rather bring a megaphone to wake them up.
"Wake up…"
"Wake up!"
Still that voice would not give up on waking up the three sleepyheads and Gintoki command Kagura saying "Hey Kagura, wake up." But Kagura passed the words to Shinpachi as a command like "Hey wake up, four eyes."
"You were being called, dumbass!" Shinpachi replied in a rant.
In a deep silence, they woke up as they saw an old man with a wavy brown hair, wore a black coat overlapped with an orange scarf and some shades with a mark of the forehead revealed to be a 'tou' as the spirit of the wooden sword appeared on three. Feeling displeased, that spirit came near to reprimand the three guys who wanted to master the Ultimate Move.
"Good thing you guys wake up at the time like this." He continued "I'm going to teach you the Ultimate Move as…"
"I know who you are; you were that old doofus who is the spirit of my wooden sword and you forced us to teach and master the Ultimate Move. Even Kage level ninjas, Roaring Warlords, Hyped-up Visoreds, Empty-shelled alchemists, Newtypes, Coordinators or Innovators [1] would dare to master that but failed." Gintoki retorted Touyako with his eyes like a dead fish, while Kagura and Shinpachi shown their faces with an indifferent look, and gave Touyako a boot.
"Wait, wait, wait… I have a secret to defeat your foe." Touyako continued "It's all about using the unity attacks! Only if you guys may stop kicking me like a ragdoll, please."
Kagura and Shinpachi's giving a boot on Touyako had stopped and they listened to him as he shoved his dirt from his clothes and he sat together with the great three dummkopfs as they talked about their Ultimate Move.
"Listen well; I know you guys need to use the powerful move for a limited time but first, I want to teach the Ultimate Killer Move that can defeat your foe, right?" Touyako continued while showing the silhouettes of heroes from Jump, Final Fantasy, Sword Art Online and Sengoku Basara "Like that blond spiky guy with a really cool set of bifurcated swords and a cool motorbike who can decimate a foe with consecutive slashes, or a blue armored warlord with his horse that have motor handle bars and yells 'let's party' can use six swords with his two hands, or should I show this couple; look this guy in black, he can dual wield two swords and his girlfriend can use her sword as… [2]"
"AND WHAT'S WITH THAT GODDAMN SILHOUETTE?! IT LOOKS VERY FAMILIAR TO ME! THE LATTER YOU MENTIONED WAS THAT LOVEY-DOVEY COUPLE WHO HAS NOTHING TO DO RATHER THAN SMOOCHING EACH OTHER AT THE HOSPITAL IN THE LAST EPISODE! [3]" Shinpachi rants as he criticized the silhouettes Touyako mentioned.
"Relax, I know what you feel. Even you can learn and mastered the move, there is a drawback" Touyako continued as he shown another silhouette "Like the substitute shinigami, he can use his Zenkai and he used his powerful Mugetsu to annihilate the bad guy. The drawback is his powers as a shinigami are fading away [4]."
"Like this?" Gintoki release his Powerful Move in his sword "Hoshikudaki: Bakuhatsu!" And his sword blasts Touyako's balls that the spirit of his sword knelt in excruciating pain that reminded of Gintoki's agony during the Ketsuno and Shirino Onmyouji Duel [5].
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAHHHH!" Touyako screamed like an idiot.
"Or maybe like this." Kagura wallops Touyako in a form of a thousand punches that resemble a Dempsey roll.
"WAIT A SEC!"
"BOOOOOOM!"
"Ouch! What was that for?!"
"What was that, Dantalion?" Kagura sneered at him as her vermillion hair and blue eyes became fiery crimson red as fire [6].
"Dan…TALION?! You dare call me that?!" Touyako protested.
"Of course you sound like that laughing idiot from some anime." Kagura answered.
"Kagura, you become someone else!" Shinpachi screamed like an idiot.
"No wonder why you were called a tsundere queen [7]." Gintoki continued as his right hand emerges a dark energy "Oh well, here it goes, INFERNO DIVIDER! [8]"
"No, not that one of the Distortion moves!" Touyako bewailed and BOOM, goes with the poor spirit, with blood flowing from his forehead.
"Now that's should do it." Gintoki said.
"Well, we duke him out." Kagura replied.
"YOU'RE DOING IT WORSE, GUYS!" Shinpachi ranted.
"Of course you're envious, right, four eyed Harley[9]." Kagura countered with her epic troll smile.
"Who the hell is Harley anyway?" Shinpachi questioned in an aghast.
Touyako, who is now being bandaged badly especially his poor family jewels, explained the use of the ultimate move.
"Accordingly, if you use your power to let it flow, then you will accumulate your strength to break limits like… all of the famous JUMP heroes." Touyako teaches continuously as he showed the silhouettes of the heroes from the Shonen Jump "Like that Kakkarot Gochuu with his Genki Dama, Beruto's chakra synchronizing with Youko no Kurama to help with shinobis, Zoffy with his power of his elasticity, Juugo with his shinigami power finds the real move in his Zanpakutou and used his Mugetsu on Eizen. [10]" As long the explanation persists, Gintoki and Kagura pick their noses in an annoyance and Shinpachi reading porn magazines and drools over them while Touyako yelled "EARTH CALLING YOROZUYA, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!"
"Hey Gintoki, I think Ultimate Moves are found at Adult Magazines." Shinpachi said.
"Oh c'mon, it's only in Weird ARMS 3 [11]" Gintoki continued "where you fought at the hidden library"
"That's where it dropped the Quick Draw card to use the new ability, but it turns out to be a summoning card named Dark Magician [12] , right Gin?" Kagura said.
"You are out of place, Kagura." Shinpachi retorted.
"What'd I say, I saw the real cousin of Bahamut [13] and it destroys the monsters at bay." Kagura continued "maybe the opponent's Life Points are in zeroes. I pity them."
"That's not the point!" Shinpachi rallied in anger.
"Maybe a killer suplex hold that nearly vaporized your sister's buddy." Gintoki said as they remembered how brutal Otae-san was: she would do a killer suplex hug on Oryou that vomited blood like a fountain of red wine and bloated from her mouth before whacking Ochimusha in process due to the fear of ghost in a test of courage booth[14].
"Yeah, Anego's killer move is the best ever since her killer punch works only for that friggin' stalkerilla!"
"Stalkerilla…"
The Stalkerilla whom they talked about was actually Isao Kondou, The Commander of the Shinsengumi who stalks Otae-san, Shinpachi's elder sister for a date. This made Shinpachi mad at him because of his behavior. His goofy look matches with his bushy pubic hairs that reveal his schlong even it was pixellated by the board of censors and hairy buttocks. In his annoyance, he exposed himself nude even the demonic vice-commander would rather look to the other way as he would get his dog food that is a bottle of mayonnaise to satisfy his hunger. Shinpachi would not hesitate to do the killer move on that primate ever since he held high position unless stalking his psychotic elder sister are meant to be more volatile than ever. He removed his glasses to prove himself.
"You know what, I would like to do that killer suplex hold with this stalker!" Shinpachi said in an evil troll grin as a literal dark aura emerges and his eyes glowing crimson red as ever.
"Okay, good luck, Shinpachi." Gintoki agreed as his sight is in Shinpachi's glasses.
"Go go go, four eyes!" Kagura joined as Shinpachi blasted Gintoki and Kagura with his Dark Aura ball that made by his dark aura earlier.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAHHH!" Gintoki and Kagura screams loud and clear in a high pitch tone like a girl as the whole pitch black background reveals.
"O…M…G…" Touyako sighed in dismay and banged his head like a moron as his forehead got juiced with too much blood.
Now Touyako, who is now bandaged to his head like an Egyptian mummy, discussed about the ultimate move and the fighting formation. He showed a blackboard about the initial combo, middle combo and final blow which it is called a trinity attack.
"Listen to me; this is the last time I will teach you about the triple combo. I don't want to be damned because Bandai and Namco won't give you video games because you guys didn't figure out what are your finishing moves. So please do this move for me, please? [15]" Touyako pleaded.
"You know what; you're such a drama king." Gintoki continued as his silver aura glows his body "Okay, how's this?"
"Uh-huh." Touyako continued "Very good, now guys do what this guy do."
"Okay…" Kagura and Shinpachi said in a monotone mood.
Kagura's aura became crimson red as fire and Shinpachi's aura became blue as they initiate an attack while Touyako summoned a humongous monster whose size is like that of a stupid alien prince's pet but frightening bigger than the usual monster which it looks like a chimera, whose manes are like a lion, fangs are like a saber tooth tiger, tail like a barbed dragon and it's scales are like steel and it has frightening roar of the tyrannosaurus rex and breathes fire ball like the usual dragons do and they look it's number of hit points in which it is the most frightening. This kind of weird scenario is no joke if they would fight this monster at their own risk rather than just to run away to reveal the killer move.
"Astaroth, HP = 300,000,000 Experience points = 100,000,000 AP = 50,000,000…" Kagura continued as her face began to freak out and her aura begins to lose a glow "The heck…"
"The hell, Is this some kind of monster?!" Shinpachi exclaimed "It looks like some kind of extremely hardest boss monster from somewhere dungeon to me!"
"That's a more powerful boss monster even you can't defeat on its own." Touyako continued "you may look the attack percentage multiplier to 1000% [16]"
"The more… that means the FRAGGIN' MOST!" Gintoki exclaimed as this monster roars and starts to rampage.
"What kind of game is this, it looks like some sort of familiar FF game?! [17]" Shinpachi roared incessantly.
"Hey, since when did you use that Bakayarou Box to summon that monster?!" Gintoki exclaimed.
"I dunno. Maybe I stole it from that scaredy cat mafia boss in that anime. [18]" Touyako said.
"YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE TO REALLY WORST!" Shinpachi roared and continued "YOU'LL GONNA GET SUED FOR THIS!"
"Don't give me a damn, just gonna attack this baloney here." Kagura rushed to the monster and used an umbrella to shoot a monster at bay like a gatling gun. A rain of bullets grazed the monster but this behemoth would rather use the death claw, but she evades as Shinpachi used his swordskills to break the bones of the monster and Gintoki, whose silver aura became as gold as a rising sun attack the monster head on as his sword cleaves the monster in half and its insides are splattered to the floor. Gintoki whistled the Victory Fanfare and his epic trademark troll smile as Kagura dons her troll smile again and a victory sign while Shinpachi facepalms in dismay. As the monster disappears, an epic zweihander dropped to the floor which the Ragnarok [19] is contained, but it became shards of diamond dust. As Gintoki's sword shines, the wooden katana became crystal and it became Ragnarok.
"Wow, my sword became a diamond. COOL!" Gintoki was amazed as Touyako came near to him.
"That's the final form of your wooden sword Touyako, is the Ragnarok." Touyako said
Just as this fiasco was finished, Touyako's mom came and she was disappointed about his son doing his mess.
"What have you done, my son? You make this room a mess!"
"But mom, I just want to use their ultimate move to beat this monster and…" Touyako cut his words as she saw her pet is dead.
"Oh no, my poochie!" his mom exclaimed "you did this to my poochie!"
"Uh… this Astaroth thing… was actually your pet dog?" Shinpachi stutters as he pointed the dead monster and screamed "IS THAT YOUR PET POOCH?!"
"Yes it is, that was my pet ever since the birth of that bratty son of a gun."
"You mean we killed this pet, who gives a damn about that?" Kagura said as Astaroth revived as a golden retriever and returned to its owner.
As the ranting persists, suddenly his dad, who is now drunk with three boxes of takoyaki came. This time his wife is now displeased as she threw a bottle of sake like hurling an axe to the wood.
"And since where have you been?"
"I wash going fuer a drink and I brogue ye takoyaki. Why did ye throw a bottle of sakion me?" the drunkard husband said as the translation was this: I was going for a drink and brought you takoyaki. Why did you throw a bottle of sake on me?
While she was making rounds on her husband, she notices his scent of cheap girls on his clothing. His wife was enraged as she will use her ex-burner on him, but on her way, Touyako stops her. Her husband will unleash his Futon: Rasen Shuriken on her [20].
"Stop!"
But too late, the Yorozuya used the killer suplex hold on the feuding unholy family and vomited blood like a sparkling red wine and dropped unconscious.
"Hah, take that!" The epic three taunts at them just as they walked away, but Touyako slowly arises from the ground and congratulated them.
"Congratulations, guys… you have mastered… your ultimate move… the killer suplex hold." These words would really infuriate the Yorozuya as they would like to crucify this fake sage upside down and force him to vomit.
"WHO GIVES A FRAGGING DAMN ABOUT THIS FINISHING MOVE, HUH?!" The Yorozuya howled while torturing this sage and the pitch black background became scary, psychotic, bloody red, thanks to the blood of the stupid family of sages.
While the Yorozuya are still sleeping, Gintoki's sword had a crack on it and revealed that it has crystallized inside into Ragnarok thanks to the 'real' finishing move.
FIN
Notes from the insanely mad author:
This is actually the first Gintama English Fan fiction that I made. However this fiction has overdosed Reference thanks to my weird ideas about animes and games. Well… it was Gintama after all.
Reference and Shout Outs:
Even Kage level ninjas are in Naruto, Roaring Warlords are in Sengoku Basara, Hyped-up Visoreds are in Bleach, Empty-shelled alchemists are in Fullmetal Alchemist, Newtypes, Coordinators or Innovators are in Gundam Metaseries namely in Original, Seed and Double O.
Like that blond spiky guy with a really cool set of bifurcated swords and a cool motorbike who can decimate a foe with consecutive slashes that is Cloud Strife in Final Fantasy VII. Or a blue armored warlord with his horse that have motor handle bars and yells 'let's party' can use six swords with his two hands that is Masamune Date in Sengoku Basara. Or should I show this couple; look this guy in black, he can dual wield two swords and his girlfriend can use her sword as… The reference of these two lovebirds namely Kirito/Kazuto and Asuna in Sword Art Online.
The last episode of SAO was the romantic one. Good thing Shinpachi watched this one.
Bleach reference on how Ichigo used his Mugetsu on Aizen.
The Great, Epic Ball-crushing part in Diviner Arc in Episode 197 in Gintama.
A reference of Shakugan no Shana since Rie Kugimiya, a seiyuu for Kagura voice this one. Kagura called Touyako Dantalion because of his stupid laugh and same voice actor, Nobuo Tobita.
Yup Gin-chan, Rie Kugimiya is the undisputed tsundere queen.
One of Ragna the Bloodedge's Distortion Moves. Of course it's always Sugibro/Tomokazu Sugita who did the voice of Badass Ragna in Blazblue and Epic Gintoki from the said anime. Better check on Youtube and type 'Gintama Blazblue' on search engine.
Harley is one of the characters in Chrome Shelled Regios as a dite mechanic and voice by the REAL Shinpachi (Please stand up), Daisuke Sakaguchi.
The Heroes of Shonen Jump and their powers got changed their names.
Adult Magazines are fought in Wild Arms 3.
Shunsuke Kazama did the role of Yuugi Mutou of Yugi Oh AND Jack Van Burace in Wild Arms PS2 remake. In case you didn't know, guys. So as Kenichi Suzumura (Yes, that Gintama's Sadist Planet's prince Sougo Okita's voice actor) who did Rudy Roughnight in this said game.
The vague reference of Shining Quasar Dragon, the penultimate evolution of Yusei's Stardust Dragon in Yugi Oh 5D's.
The blood-splattering… er… spitting like fountain part in Episode 68 in Gintama.
A self-depreciating joke in Gintama since the sales of their game didn't do well because they didn't know about their killer moves.
A parody of the PS3 game, Final Fantasy XIII.
Reference of FFXIII
Bakayarou Box is a derogatory pun on Vongola Box and the scaredy cat mafia boss whom Touyako mentioned is actually Tsunayoshi 'Il Decimo' Sawada in Katekyou Hitman Reborn.
Ragnarok is actually… and arguably the most powerful great swords/knight swords in FF series.
Ex burner is Tsuna's Sky ring ability, while FRS is Naruto's killer jutsu.
Read and Review!
Omake:
As Touyako showed his silhouette, this time a voluptuous figure with her pink hair came along with her gun sword.
"How's this?" and the Yorozuya gave a blank look as Kagura called Sougo via cell phone.
"Hey, is this bratty police officer here? I've got a surprise for you." Kagura continued "Is that woman in this silhouette your wife?"
"Huh? Wait a minute, you were joking right? How come that pink haired lady you mentioned is actually my wife?" Sougo said while looking at the silhouette of Lightning.
"Don't ask, brat." Kagura snickered as she hung up the phone and laughed out loud.
"He didn't know that!" She laughed in a troll way while pointing her cell phone.
Meanwhile at the Shinsengumi station, Sougo did fell in love with a mysterious woman whose hair was pink and armed with her gun sword. As Hijikata saw the scenario, he covered his mouth in laughter.
"You're one lucky sadist, fell in love with Li******g!"
Sougo's face became red as tomato and yelled:
"That is none of your business, you bastard!"
FIN!
Here's a fact: the omake according to Kagura, is very intentional because the voice actor of Sougo Okita is now married to the voice actress of Lightning.