Dear Alice,

When you are human, and have a normal life, what do you live for? College? Family? Vacations? Love….? What do you live for when every thing in life is not enough to live for?

I came across this question many times when I came to live in Forks, the rainiest place in the continental US with my dad who I had left with my mom when I was 2. I often would stay up at night, thinking about life, and asking myself what do you live for, when all things in life are not enough to live for? Everything thing in my life was too mundane, and there was nothing to spark up my life. Nothing to be my spark of light in the darkest times. Someone to love more than anyone else. Then I saw Edward. Edward Cullen. Edward, the love of my life, The only person in the whole world, who I loved more than myself, and was willing to die for. The only one who put a smile on my face and made me feel well and safe. The one I would do anything to live with. His too perfect angelic face, his smooth, cold, dazzling skin, and the fact that he loved me more than I loved him (Or so he thought) made me want to live with him forever. Edward, his adoring family, and his secret . The secret I would bring to my death bed.

The fact that Edward was a vampire and his family had accidentally tried to kill me didn't frighten me at all. As long as I could look at his face, and know that he was mine, I didn't care where I was or what I had to go through to be with him. Damn, I would run through fire for him, or less dramatically become a vampire for him. As long as I could be by him, and know that he belonged to me, I didn't care about anything else or who I was.

My love with Edward and the danger it caused to be human while being by him and his vampire family always caused a distant threat, and that made him leave me. He left so I would be safe. Those 8 months were hell on earth. My personal hell waiting for me every time I went to sleep, or did something that reminded me of him. I had a hole in me. When he left, it seemed like half of myself was missing, and it appeared that I would never be able to live wholly again until I got that other half back. I was not myself. A part of me was missing, and I couldn't find the missing piece.

I also lacked life. Since Edward was gone, what was there to live for? Everything in my life didn't matter, and it wasn't enough. I was stuck in a place where I didn't belong. I truly believed that I didn't belong human, and was stuck in a time warp I didn't know how to get out of. I was not made to be human. I was made to be with him. Made to be with Edward.

Edward left me for my own sake, believing I was just human and would get over it. Edward was afraid because I got involved in all his vampire issues, and being human by them was so dangerous. But, he didn't know that I didn't care what I had to go through to be by him. Or, I thought he didn't know. He promised it would be like he never existed. He also said….. He wouldn't see me anymore. Oh, sure was he wrong. I became a rebel, and realized I could hear his comforting, velvet voice in my head whenever I did something stupid. Just to hear his voice after him leaving me, afraid I would forget the sound of his voice and the look of his face, made me happy, or at least better. It made the pain bearable. It also made me forget for a few seconds that he was actually gone, and those illusions truly made me believe that he still cared for me. So, I began cliff diving and riding motorcycles so I could hear his voice and be reassured that he still did care. But, my Edward, who heard from his sister Alice who could see the future, that I was cliff diving, so he thought I was dead, and went to a ruling vampire family in Italy called the Volturi to irritate them and make them kill him. He went there because he couldn't live without me, and I was sure I would have done the same thing if the situation was reversed. It was like your other half was taken from you, and the other piece which you still had, died. It was no more. I was his life now. If I died, he'd die. It was as simple as that. We were one, two puzzle pieces that were different but fit together.

But, I stopped Edward, and he came home with me to Forks, and promised that he would never leave me again. So, since I knew I wanted to live with Edward forever, I wanted to become a vampire just like him. I so wanted it. Nothing in my life was worth living if I couldn't be with Edward forever. But, he said under one condition, I had to marry him first. So, I did, and that was the best day of my life. Edward legally belonged to me, and I belonged to him, though, we would not part till death, for that technically wasn't the right way to put it. We would never part. Never. Even if death did find one of us, the other would quickly follow.

On our honeymoon, I got pregnant, and my baby who was half vampire half human was killing me inside out. Edward wanted to take the thing out, but how could I allow him to do that to this baby inside of me that was a part of him and me? When it was time for the baby to come, it bit its way out of the womb, and Edward had to bite to get the baby out. During all this, I remember very vaguely falling into darkness, and feeling an intense burning feeling that I would have traded any day for peaceful death. The darkness was so tempting in the midst of the intense, indescribable burning pain. I was almost on the verge of slipping into the darkness and not coming up, when I thought of Edward, and my baby. It was de'ja'vu for me because wanting to fall into darkness reminded me of when I was stuck in the ocean, and I so wanted to slip into the water were I saw Edward and get away from the pain I was feeling without him. I pulled through for them and it was so worth it. While slipping into darkness, Edward bit me, and saved me from death. His venom changed me, and with one more heart beat, my heart stopped, and my human life was over. I was glad. I didn't belong human. I was different. A mutation in the human nature.

I was worried that being a newborn vampire would be hard and difficult for me, but I found that I could resist humans and their divine smell. I also found to my surprise, that I was still me, Bella. I felt the same, still loved Edward as much as I did when I was human. And, in fact, my desire for him increased. The desire for him was so great, only an eternity could satisfy it.

And here I am right now. I'm living with the love of my life, not living, more like…I don't know, experiencing my dream rather than living my life! Experiencing a dream most women would die to live. Experiencing a dream one of a kind. A dream you soon discovered you didn't want to get out of, or leave. A dream you would never get sick of, and would trade for anything to have. Even your own life. But, if you were given a chance to become human again after facing the disadvantages of being a vampire, and live a normal human life, would you take the chance, or would you rather be certain that you could live forever with the one you love? What would you do if the one you loved wanted to become human, and you didn't want to wake up out of the beautiful and extraordinarily perfect dream you were experiencing to find that the one you loved had lost his soul, and would never come back? What would you choose? Would you chose?

With love,

Bella.