A/N: If you have not listened to Deja Vu by Circus-P, then please go listen to it before reading.
The door opens, only to slam shut not a second later.
I can hear the crash of thunder in the sky. That same, chilly rain is about to start falling.
As she walks into my room, her angry footsteps reverberating through the flat, I feel myself go back in time.
It's always like this.
I'm always on my bed, playing with my phone, when, at six o'clock sharp, the door opens, then slams shut, and then she walks into my bedroom, only to scowl at me and accuse me of things I haven't done…
It's toxic.
It's a toxic relationship. We keep hurting each other. I don't know what I've done. But I know it's hurting her. And her pain is hurting me.
Why does this keep happening? I know I don't want this. I know she doesn't want this. No matter how many nasty words she spews, words that crash down onto my heart like lightning, I can see it in her eyes. She's hurting. I'm hurting. We are both hurting.
I look up at her, boring into her darkened, angry eyes with my tired own. The patter of heavy rain and the clap of the lightning outside serve as the perfect soundtrack to our play.
...Ah. She hasn't spoken yet. It's one of those moments.
Her eyes never leaving mine, she roughly approaches me, grabbing me by the collar forcefully and pulls me into herself. I let her act out her part. I know what's coming next, anyway.
Her lips capture mine. Her kiss is gentle and emotional, like she's pouring out all her emotions to me. I kiss her back with the same tenderness, the same emotions flowing through me and out to her.
I wait for the moment to fall apart.
I hear her breathing get heavier, the arm that is holding me to her by the collar tremble as its grip tightens. Without warning, she pushes me away from her violently, like she was disgusted that she'd even dared to touch me in the first place.
"Y-You… I hate you!" she yells, dropping me back onto the bed. Monotonously, I raise my head up to meet hers, only to be met by a fist. My head snaps to my left as her fist connects with my cheek. I inhale and scrunch my face up, a sharp, metallic taste flooding my mouth.
She's broken one of my teeth.
I spit the mixture of blood and spit onto the hardwood floor.
The stain from the last time I'd done that still isn't completely gone.
Not wasting a second, she forces my head back up, and gives me a slap to the same side of my face that she'd just punched. I wince at the pain, feeling more blood seep into my mouth. I swallow it down, my still eyes continuing to focus on her frantic ones.
She just looks at me, before groaning and throwing me down onto the bed once more. As I get up, she paces around the room, once, twice, then sits on the far edge of the bed.
"Y-You… you bitch!" I don't even need to see her face to know that she is snarling at me. "What did I do to you, huh? Why do I have to suffer because you can't keep it in your pants? I threw away everything, my friends, my family, my town, even my own kitten for you, only to have you repay it by cheating on me!?"
"I swear, I haven't-"
"Oh, cut the crap, you slag. Kaito told me himself. 'Boss is paying me extra to stay back and help' my ass. No-one told me that 'help' meant 'fuck his brains out'!"
I sigh. I wait for her to speak again. There's one more thing she's going to say before I can play my role once more.
"...Why are you still here?" she says, her voice breaking in the middle of the sentence. She buries her face into her hands, curling up into a ball.
I know why I'm still here. I love her. I didn't cheat. I never will cheat. I adore her. I will die for her. I will take any pain she has. I will kill anyone who hurts her.
Sometimes, I wish I could just die. She would never have to see my face again, never have to feel the insufferable pain she surely goes through just by glimpsing my beaten face.
But, even though we've lost our way, I know that my existence means something to her. If I go, her heart will smash into pieces. There is a part of her that loves me, needs me, very deep down inside of her.
If there wasn't, why would she still be here?
I breathe in, remembering the words I have to say. "I didn't cheat. Kaito is talking bullshit, and I know that you can tell. I love you will all your heart, and I will do anything for you." I say it slowly and deliberately, my voice cracking and breaking with every word. An unshed tear threatens to fight its way down my cheek.
This sets her off again. She stands up and paces around the room, ruffling a hand through her hair and muttering. I can't tell whether her incomprehensible words are directed towards me or herself.
We will stay in this room until morning six in the morning, when she leaves to go to her job, and I will continue my search for another one. Then, at six o'clock sharp, the door will open, only to slam shut not a second later, restarting the cycle, the cycle of breaking each other until one of us goes down, just like the lightning outside.
This relationship is a cage, and I'm trapped in here with her.
We have lost our way.
And, until one of us breaks the cycle, we are lost, and we are trapped.
...I want it to work. I will never want anything to work as much as I want this to work. These feelings will not subside for as long as my heart continues to beat in my chest.
But we can't go back to the way we were before, no matter how much I hope and pray.
So, we're trapped in here. For good.
The next day, she doesn't come back at six.
For the first time since this cycle started, I cry.