Author note: So I have done a songfic before but I wanted to do one for Tris too so here it is. P.s. I LOVE this song.
Feeling used, but I'm still missing you
If someone was to ask me why I wouldn't know. I love him and I couldn't tell you the reason. I hate how little we can see each other now. It started off as harmless flirting, but then there was the girlfriend.
And I can't see the end of this, just wanna feel your kiss against my lips
When we finally started talking, I didn't even know he was interested in someone, simply because it never came up. I know that we need to stop but I can't pull away. Why can't I leave?
And now all this time is passing by but I still can't seem to tell you why
I knew that this needed to end, so I ended it, how stupid was that? To give up the only one who could make me happy. I was still with Four and he was with Christina, a transfer last year, not my friend Christina.
It hurts me every time I see you, realize how much I need you
I feel like this is morally right but it kills me to give him up.
I hate you I love you I hate that I love you. Don't want to, but I can't put nobody else above you
I prayed he would beg me to stay. I knew that would never happen though, this is Eric.
I hate you I love you I hate that I want you. You want her, you need her and I'll never be her
Why would he give up the person he loves to be with his dirty little secret? Then again I had just done the same. I had given up my affair for someone who left me complacent instead of excited and passionate.
I miss you when I can't sleep, or right after coffee, or right when I can't eat I miss you in my front seat
That was three days ago. I have only come out for food occasionally and as much as my friends have asked what the problem is, only Uriah knows. I trust someone like him because we are both divergent. A secret we keep that can be our undoing.
Still got sand in my sweaters from nights we don't remember
I have only reminisced about him. We would drink the nights away and drown in our sorrows. At first it was just fun, but then it became too much for both of us. I was scared and he was terrified. We both knew that it needed to be over. I only blame myself for letting my school girl emotions take over.
Do you miss me like I miss you? Messed around and got attached to you
I wonder if he thinks about us. The old people we left behind. Does he wonder what I am doing? I wonder. I know I shouldn't, but I do
Friends can break your heart too, and I'm always tired but never of you
How did I let myself become this person? Love is for children. I fall back and cry to myself, simply drinking away the rest of my days.
If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit I put this reel out, but you wouldn't bite that shit
'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.' I learned that in Abnegation and I couldn't help but feel as though I should let him see his own medicine. Drown his own sorrows, but then I realize, I am nothing to lose. I am no one.
I type a text but then I never mind that shit I got these feelings but you never mind that shit
I can't even explain how many times I walk past his room. The emotions that flood through my head. I have walked past and heard the laughter of him and his girlfriend. Recently, the silence emitting from his room is almost eerie. The silence before the storm.
Oh oh, keep it on the low. You're still in love with me but your friends don't know
I just have been waiting. How long has it been? The days collapse onto one another mushing into a blob of day and night. I wish he knew how much I miss him.
If u wanted me, you would just say so. And if I were you, I would never let me go
Like that would make a difference, he was never one to back down. If he actually wanted me he would speak his mind about us, his silence when I said I was breaking it off was strange. Almost scary. He accepted the fact that it was over. I respect myself for ending it.
I don't mean no harm I just miss you on my arm
The worst part of this is not even that the whole thing is wrong. It is so horrible because I have been such good friends with Christina since instructing her initiate class a year ago.
Wedding bells were just alarms. Caution tape around my heart
My heart has been crushed by something that is not even mine. How can I lose what is not mine?
You ever wonder what we could have been? You said you wouldn't and you did
I still remember him promising not to hurt me. When did it become so easy for him to blatantly lie to someone's face?
Lie to me, lie with me, get your fix. Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all mixed
Uriah has finally pulled me out of bed after three weeks and I am actually kind of happy about it. He set me up on a couple blind dates and I am a little nervous.
Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing sometimes you got to burn some bridges just to create some distance
My date just picked me up and he couldn't be more perfect. I am glad I have stated to move on even if that means my date, Jake, and I just get drunk. Maybe this is where I belong. Not with Eric. We went to the bar and everything was great till I saw him from across the room. Oh God. He was alone, drinking by the Chasm like he used to do with me. Christina walks up to him and I look away, jealous and guilty.
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing but I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings
Christina left a few minutes ago and she didn't exactly look happy. You know what they say 'trouble in paradise'. Jake and I are completely tipsy and I fall onto his halfway to his apartment as I see Eric again. He is watching us with a poker face. How sobering.
When love and trust are gone, I guess this is moving on
If he dares to have disdain over my choices now, then he should be ashamed. He let me move without a second word or thought about it. I turn away from his stare. I have moved on from the lie that had become my life.
Everyone I do right does me wrong So every lonely night, I sing this song
I have convinced myself that what happened is in the past. It is also not under my control. I know that this is my life now. Maybe Jake can be in it.
I hate you I love you I hate that I love you don't want to, but I can't put nobody else above you
We are three quarters of the way to is place when I realize the direction in which we are headed. The leader floor. With Eric and his girlfriend.
I hate you I love you I hate that I want you. You want her, you need her and I'll never be her
Jake comments on our sobriety and I laugh loudly as we walk towards his. I hear footsteps and I disregard them until I can tell who it is. Eric. He always had footsteps heavier on his left than his right. I smile lightly as Jake pulls out his key.
I hate you I love you I hate that I love you don't want to, but I can't put nobody else above you
Eric leans towards Jake in a stance I only have seen when he is ready to fight as he interrogates him about something I don't listen to. I take a gulp from my black flask. The metal is cool against my fingertips. I turn to them when I hear a sickening crunch. Jake has punched Eric; I think that must be the problem but my wobbly feet turn me to a different picture. Eric is on top of Jake. Jake's nose is obviously broken and Eric's lip is busted. I jump to Jake fist as he is more injured. I turn to say something but my words die as soon as they leave my mouth when Eric surprises me. I can only feel the warmth from Eric as he picks me up. Wait, what?
I hate you I love you I hate that I want you, you want her, you need her and I'll never be her
"You have a girlfriend." I say and forget about sounding stupid. I hear a small uncomfortable laugh reverberate through his chest and I look up at his face. He looks confused as he walks to his apartment. This walk seems longer than I thought it would be. My nerves probably. "I- I shouldn't have let you go." It is all he has to say as I let my tense body relax in his arms, just forgetting the world.