Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker, and you're not. I am sorry to regret that my co-anchor, Diane Simmons, is attending her mother's funeral and has not been with me today, and Tricia Takanawa is in Tokyo visiting her husband's family at a private dinner with Shigeru Miyamoto. Anyway, our top story tonight: Quality Furnishings in Providence was destroyed in a plane crash. We talked to the pilot of the plane, Glenn Quagmire.
QUAGMIRE: Somehow I saw a white dog on the nose of the plane and gave the controls to my son, Charlie. Of course, Charlie had never flown a plane before, but he said okay. I originally offered the plane to be flown by a kid named Neil Goldman, but I turned the idea down because his father was a Jew. Besides, who wants a father named Mort? It technically means death. Anyway, Charlie had not flown the plane for five seconds when we went into a tailspin and crashed into Quality Furnishings.
The sole victim of the crash was a local policeman, Joe Swanson. Officer Swanson had been paralyzed in one leg when he fell off the roof of the local orphanage when he saw a thief running off with toys. In that event he had to be equipped in a wheelchair that he has been in ever since. We spoke to the local physician of Quahog, Dr. Elmer Hartman.
DR. HARTMAN: Officer Swanson is now fully paralyzed from the waist down. I don't know who the thief was, but I did see a roller skate on his foot from the night of the robbery. I believe that it was five - maybe ten - years ago on December 24th, so I'm pretty certain that he had stopped some guy from stealing Christmas presents. In any event, Officer Swanson had to be equipped in a wheelchair because he broke his left leg. I was on the same flight as he was in which he took his wife Bonnie and son Kevin on a trip to Springfield to see Krusty the Klown.
The dog of which Quagmire spoke was recently acquired by local village idiot Peter Griffin. Here is Griffin's side of the story.
PETER: There was a plane crash?! How was I to know? I'd gone shopping with my dog Brian because he needed new furniture.
BRIAN: Actually, Peter, I was the victim in this case as I had gone with him so that I could have all this stuff because the TV blew the picture tube and the light bulb burned out. Then the bed burst one of its springs. Peter was acting like a very bad Darth Vader and chopped a bookshelf in half. My head went through a TV and I went into the men's room and KABOOM! I landed on the nose of the plane Quagmire was piloting up to that point.
In other news, President Bill Clinton was bitten on the leg by a wolf pup at the zoo in his native Hope, Arkansas. Clinton was not badly injured, but alert Secret Service agents seized the pup and wrestled it to the ground. Later tonight: Was the will of Peter Sellers forged in his name by his ex-wife, Britt Ekland? Stay tuned at 11:00. For now, I'm Tom Tucker with Quahog 5 News, keeping Quahog informed for over a fiftieth of a century.