The innocence that comes with summertime's bliss can capture the heart and the imagination of anyone who understands the emotion behind the sunset; anyone that has held hands or shared intimacy under the breathtaking pinks of a dusking sky - the sky that holds the two together, forgetting that they shared the same sight with billions of other eyes who feel powerful enough to carry the world for wanting it all for themselves. The most magnificent half an hour of beauty that the world showcases to its inhabitants every single day, only to be taken advantage of through selfish souls wanting to hold onto specific moments under the spectrum of colorful ambiguity. It's the world's way of sending its love. Those nostalgic feelings of being young; where all someone could think of are the smiles of unique recklessness; where the sun touches the ground and creates the endless horizon. Everyone chases after sunsets at times in their life. For Lucas Friar, that seemed to be his entire life up until college; constantly chasing and pursuing the girl he just knew was for him. The girl that his mother would approve of; the girl that made his heart race, but no matter what, it never seemed to work out. They always disappeared. He always was caught staring or stuck or gone in one way or another; his romanticized ideals lead to the consistent demises of the relationships he promised he wouldn't let go to waste. He found the sunset in the girls who took his heart. Then, the cynic of college came, and he stopped looking out his window when the sun fell down. Not that he wasn't a romantic, but casual sex got a lot easier when he wasn't focusing so much on who he was talking to rather than how to get her to follow him home. But junior year was coming to a close in three weeks; it would be nice to bring a girl home with him. Then again, Texas is a far way from The Bronx; maybe he could find commitment in the girls back at home. Besides, no one at Darby's end of the year party would want anything to do with anything past midnight, he just had to keep reminding himself that.
The four walked in together, but almost immediately found their own direction. Truthfully, after eight months of rooming together, it's impossible not to grow tired of each other. Besides, they were too different to stay together. Farkle would focus on the party games, Zay would be stuck pining over any girl who looked at him the right way, Charlie - even though he always promises himself to finally land casual hook ups - spends the entire night with the same girl and most likely will walk her home, too, and Lucas just wandered. Staying lowkey kept him at a safe pace; holding onto attention was pointless to him.
The blonde and the brunette were fighting a couple feet away from him. He recognized them - the blonde he knew. Maya Hart, the girl from the business seminars who sometimes is by the basketball court feelingup her girlfriend in broad daylight while he lets off steam. He knew they weren't anything serious, but the fight looked bad. Screaming, nonchalance, and then screaming again. They captivated their entire audience of half-drunk college kids. Maybe if they were anywhere else, he'd try to help out, but he knew better than to get between to drunks at a party. Chaos is bound to happen, he failed to find the point of getting involved.
And so life moves on for him. He continued around. Every now and then he'd catch up with the guys, just to make sure they didn't get themselves killed. Farkle was crushing beer-pong; somehow, he's got the formula to the perfect toss and all the girls are falling in love with the drinks he wins them every time he scores. If he couldn't be the star athlete in daylight, at least he was set for senior year parties. Charlie was - of course - sitting and talking outside, away from the music, with some girl. He looks enamored, and if Lucas didn't know any better, he would've assumed it was just the alcohol; but Charlie is a lightweight and would rather spend time with one girl than five minutes with a thousand. Lucas never understood how he could get so tied down so easily, especially at a party, but then again, Charlie has always been his own little enigma. Lucas is similar in the relationship aspect of meeting new people, but even here, he could go from girl to girl. Anchoring down to one hook up when there are so many more opportunities to get laid seemed pointless to him. So, he let Charlie be Charlie and found his way around girls throughout the night. The best part was that they never needed conversation; just a drink and twenty minutes until they both get bored and walk away. The reckless equivocation of whoever the Hell he was with was always a great feeling to ignore whenever he woke up the next morning. At least he had Zay on the same track, even though he flipped him off while some brunette was making her way down his neck. Lucas gives him the grand ole' thumbs up anyway.
Everything seemed completely normal to him. Except for the moment that came between. When he was sitting alone, and the blonde from earlier sat down right next to him; her eyes bloodshot and her smile flirty. She called him Huckleberry and played with his hair while he told her that her girlfriend probably misses her. She told him she was "no girlfriend no more," and that his slight accent made her heart feel funny. They only talked for about twenty minutes, but she made him laugh - hard. A flirty kind of laugh that was uncontrollable because it imitated the way his anxiety felt when sitting next to someone so beautiful. He was just about to lean in closer to her when someone challenged her to Thunder, and she told him that she couldn't be a pussy in times of need.
And with that, a chaos was overdue.
"Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me," the same little blonde from earlier was fuming. Angrily pacing around, everyone she stepped towards made to take two steps back.
Instinctively, Lucas thought to approach her. She, though small, was definitely mighty. At the very least, mighty enough to have the baseball team hand her their drinks whenever she stomped towards them with her atmosphere of range. His voice was timid and cautious. Though he was a foot taller than her and probably had three times her body mass, her eyes were ready. "Maya?"
Her head snapped violently to see who would dare call her name when she was like this. She turned around to see him with angered disappointment. "What do you want, Friar? I'm not here to square dance," her voice made it clear that he was wasting her time.
"Well," he began ignoring her slight insults to his home, "I just wanted to see if you were okay.
She scoffed at him. "Thanks, mom, but I'm fine. I'm just gonna kill those two over
there." She pointed and he followed right back to Zay and the brunette. "We haven't even been broken up for two fuckin' hours."
His eyes followed her point and he felt his stomach flip. Oh fuck. As soon as he saw Zay and the girl, he knew he had to get out of her presence. If she found out he knew the same guy who is currently sticking his tongue down the throat of her girlfriend, she would kill him just for good collateral. She was already distracted by her anger, he knew he could walk away safe. And so he turned around. Maya was no sunset, and he knew that too well.
It was almost as if he took two steps. He felt like he made it out clean, but then he heard her scream.
"Cowboy!"
He couldn't even catch his breath before she leaped onto him. Her kisses were like the cherries he found at the bottom of daiquiris. They had a bittersweet punch to them - but he didn't mind. Maya was unexpectedly enticing. The more they hooked up, the faster his heart was beating. He knew this was to make Missy jealous, but something still made him feel like his entire body was in blush. She was not pink; her sunset could not be captured. She was the sunset right after a storm. Maya Hart is the tornado warning. A world on fire.
And eventually, inevitably, and to his disappointment, she pulls away from him. It takes him a minute to catch his breath and think of something witty enough to hold onto her for a final minute. Take her all in. "I thought you said you weren't gonna square dance with me?"
"I'm not," she smirks at him before grabbing the drink out of the kid who walks by who is clearly too scared to defend himself. She smiles at him before turning to walk away, "I prefer to tango."
And with that, the sunset of Maya Hart seemed to be over. She walked away into the dusky horizon. He didn't even know if she stayed the rest of the night. At least her revenge seemed to work because when he turned around, Zay was alone, giving him the same thumbs up.
And so the morning sun comes in. The four always cursed her out after nights like before. She woke up the sleeping giants of their hangovers. A true bitch in their eyes, but at least she looked pretty when she was going down. Of course, the sunrise is stunning, too, but they were rarely ever awake to see the colors come out. Charlie woke up, though, and he made sure to keep quiet while the other three confessed their sins in the form of advils and slamming their alarm clocks till it started to chip pieces. By noon, the four zombies joined each other in the kitchen. As much pain as they were in, they all had something to brag about this morning.
"Dude," Charlie's voice sounded course and quiet, but excited, "I was with the same girl the entire time last night." Charlie sat back proudly and energized while surrounded by a table of pissed off and hungover corpses for roommates.
"Charlie, I wish I could say I expected something different, but even at one of Darby's infamous fucking parties, you are still the most monogamous human being I've ever met," Zay muttered while crushing two Advils into his orange juice. Everyone felt sick, everyone felt tired, everyone but Charlie.
"Well, she was beautiful," Charlie bragged while swooning to his memory. "Had the legs and everything."
"Everything?" Farkle raised an eyebrow for sarcastic clarification.
"Yes, everything. Legs, eyes, her smile, and great stories," Charlie's voice was trailing off. Admittedly, he was more concerned with what they were talking about. He couldn't get her stories out of his head & her voice off of his mind. He didn't even go to bed when he got home, unlike the other three. Instead, he laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to ingrain this girl's presence in his mind just so that his buzzed brain wouldn't doze off and forget.
"Stories won't get you laid," Lucas muttered - the first words he spoke all day were full of sarcasm and spite.
"Who said anything about getting laid?" Charlie scoffed in reply to Lucas while focusing on his memory. They all felt a wave of secondhand embarrassment for him, but at the same time, contented. Charlie never changes.
"So, what was this broad's name?" Zay laughed to himself while reaching over the table to nudge him.
"Annalisa."
"Maria."
"Nadia."
"Delaney."
But as they kept spewing off more and more names, an anxiety built up in Charlie. "No.. No, no," he whispered. His jubilant expression immediately transformed into confusion with a sense of disappointment and almost fear. He concentrated on the table and shook his head.
"Well, what is it?" Lucas raised his head and slapped Charlie on the arm, waiting for an answer.
He was silent. Utterly ashamed almost. When he spoke, he slightly laughed with a sense of disbelief, "…I don't know."
His words erupted a chorus of anger.
"What the Hell do you mean you don't know?" Lucas completely turned his body to face Charlie, hoping his shock would force a name out of him.
"I don't think I ever asked," Charlie whispered sheepishly to his unamused crowd.
"Charlie, what the actual Hell is wrong with you?" Zay sighed while rolling his eyes, only inflicting more shame on the poor boy.
"I don't know."
"How did you even say hello?" Farkle asked, but he couldn't hold back his laugh. Something about everything Charlie did when it came to being a romantic always came off so comically.
"I complimented her watch," he said, trying to lighten the conversation back onto his praise.
"Her watch?" Zay looked him dead in the eyes with questionability.
"Yeah, her watch! It was pretty cool you know. It… well," he took a deep breath and was already disappointed in himself for what he was going to say, "It had ET in the center of it."
"Dear Christ," all three chimed.
"So," Lucas began again, using his hands to try and really lay this one out for Charlie, "you're telling me that you spent at the very least, five hours with this girl. Who is not only a girl, but has legs, eyes, AND a smile, and you didn't catch her name?"
"What do you even know about her?" Zay added.
"Well, that's just personal information," Charlie replied defensively, crossing his arms over his chest as if they had asked for her social security number. They all roll their eyes. Lucas threw his trash at him, and Zay threatened to go back and just sleep. He was beginning to feel a little embarrassed, "That and she wears mango chapstick."
With that came another chorus of truly shocked and disappointed "wow"s.
"Well, Charlie, my good boy," Lucas said, slapping on hand onto his back hard enough to let him know what an absolute idiot he was, "I hope that one day, you find mystery girl."
They were silent for a little while. After making fun of Charlie for about twenty more minutes, he sat there shamefully while Lucas stared at the ground in front of him. He didn't realize how deep in thought he was, but for some reason, he couldn't get Maya out of his head. He must've hooked up with at least three girls before her, but she was different. She kept him wanting more. Eventually, Farkle saw him - the way he's absentmindedly scratching at his hands and furrowing his eyebrows at the door. He finally asks what's on his mind - he's been too quiet while the rest of them bragged off.
He's groggy and clearly confused, but pushes through the hangover. "See, the thing is that, you guys know Maya Hart, right?"
They all shiver in fear.
He ignores it, "Well, while Zay and that cute little brunette -"
Zay immediately interrupts him while the proudest smile seeps from his face, "Ah, Melanie. No, wait - Maggie. Margie?" He shuts himself up pretty quickly after that.
Lucas gave Zay a judging look before going on. He practically was with that girl for an hour and he couldn't even remember her name. If Charlie had asked, he would've at least remembered. "Yeah, anyways, Maya was going on some rage fit. So she hooked up with me."
Charlie looks up at him, "Wait - Maya? That girl I've known since freshman year of high school who can kill you with her eyes? She hooked up with Hicktown?" Lucas rolls his eyes.
Farkle asks him if he knew the girlfriend.
Lucas laughs before turning to Zay, "You ever heard of a Missy Bradford?"
Zay goes completely red. He looks as if he's lost all life in him, and immediately starts cursing under his breath, "That little blonde mouse is going to murder me. I'm going to die cause of two white chicks."
Lucas ignores his whining to continue on, "I think I'm gonna ask her out. She seems pretty cute."
Charlie begins to choke on his water. "Lucas," he coughs up before continuing, "listen, Maya - yeah, she's great, and a real good time, but she's not really into that. And she could definitely kill you in an instant."
Lucas doesn't listen, though. He doesn't want to.
If only Lucas understood that Maya Hart wasn't anywhere near the innocence of a first date. There's no nice dinners with her, neither are there jitters or butterflies. She isn't a sunset - and she doesn't let people believe she is. She knows that she's thunderstorms. She's scratching on a chalkboard and the burn of whiskey down a teenager's throat. She's the cold burn after you scrape your knee, and the musk that comes when heat falls too close to the the ground. She isn't glistening in the sun, she basks in her own type of glory. Maya Hart is the girl you chase down alleyways at night only for her to disappear when you finally catch up. She's the storm, but there is no calm. She could spend the whole night kissing the cups of inebriation; reckless and raw.
Then again, still wake up early because nothing reminded her more of home than the way the morning grass glistened under the heat of a May sun; no one needed to know that.
She was late this morning, though, and all the beads of dew dried up into the grass. Her heart felt a little heavy, but not painfully so - waking up without Missy's hair in her mouth was a blessing in her mind. Then again, waking up without Missy felt different to her. Of course, she was used to it - they came and gone, but she knew last night was final. You don't fight consecutively for two weeks and heal it by hooking up with someone else. The breakup's a good thing - they were never the healthiest relationship; still, Maya yearned for company and the brunette helped filled the void. So she made her way to find someone. She wasn't sure who, but by this time, she knew enough people to find someone she knew eventually.
And then there was Charlie.
One of her closest friends since high school. The kind of friend that they only knew through school and the occasional time outside, but their friendship always seemed to remain locked between the lockers chained to high school walls. That both had two different lives that never really crossed; Maya's friends didn't really know Charlie and vice versa. Alas, they still enjoyed the company of each other. Maya got a kick out of him, and Charlie liked her presence. When they both opened their acceptance letters, it was a quiet relief that they would have at least one person they knew with them through the shit process of change. When she spotted him, he was seemingly napping under an textbook, hiding the sun from his eyes on the bench outside the service hall. He was so idiotically vulnerable in every situation, she almost questioned herself before running up to him and waking him up through heart attack. Maya was already cracking up as his scream alerted anyone around them. But then, he saw it's her, and the slyest smile came across his face; the rage that's stagnant began to build up inside her. He knew something.
"Gardner, that's not usually the face I get when I scare the shit outta you," she spoke defensively, refusing to break eye contact with as she hopped off his stomach.
"Well, isn't it swell to see you," Charlie was laughing behind every word he spoke. His crooked smile was mocking her. And that was when she had had it. Her temper was too short to be tampered with, and he should've known this by now. It wasn't anything physical, but she shot him a look that could make Al Capone call for the Lord. She was talented in that department. "Fine, God, I'll tell you. But you didn't hear this from me."
"Charlie, is this sophomore year of high school again? Get to the goddamn point."
"A little birdy told me you rode your first bull last night at Darby's rodeo," he looked at her all goofy while he spoke and it only made her want to rip him a new one. "And that same bird told me that he wants to ask you out."
Then she processed what he said, and a new anxiety filled up inside of her. The blonde's blue eyes immediately widened to the size of the moon, and she shot off the bench because if she sat for any longer, she would've thrown up all over the boy. "No," she whispered to herself while in a pace, and suddenly followed a series of panicked whispers while stomping the asphalt under her. Charlie felt a sense of uneasiness - like simple words completely unsettled the balance of his humor and she would trace it back to kill him.
"You and I both know where this is going, Chuckie," she stopped dead in her tracks to stare him dead in the eyes as if he could do anything about the consequences of her inebriated actions. "And don't go off on this nice guy bullshit. I don't care if he saved all the babies from an orphanage during a freak fire, I don't want to be involved with this kid. I don't want to be involved with anyone."
"Maya," Charlie tried, but she didn't listen. Her pacing got faster and she got angrier. He called for her a thousand times, but nothing could stop her, and he knew that. He knew she hated relationships; they both knew Lucas pined after them constantly. They both knew where this was going, but she still wasn't listening. He searched the world of his mind to calm her down, and in an impulse of reaction, it came out.
"He's not going to be like Josh, okay?"
That stopped Maya dead in her tracks.
Her back was facing him, and she stared blankly into the void of the campus around him. A sickness built up into her stomach, one that made her feel like things weren't as okay as she had hoped for that day. One that let her know that her memories cannot be pushed away. It was a thought process triggered by emotion too repressed to ignore. And as she heard Charlie's attempts to apologize, she only fell deeper. The call of his name was enough to send her spiraling, but no one could know that. No one could see her weak. Not again. But her anger wasn't weakness. She knew it to be true that he was more of a passing thought for shock value, and if she zoned out too long with him on her mind, then he won; she couldn't let him win.
Turning to grab her bag, she looked Charlie dead in the eyes - "Fuck you, Gardner." She thanked the universe her voice didn't shake the same way her heart did in moments like this.
Her mind was fluttering panic; a fluctuation of fighting off the feelings she still refuses to deal with, and coping with the lethal rage that fixated her mind on absolutely slaughtering Charlie Gardner. The chaos of her mind told her that she had to find somewhere quiet and alone. Within minutes, she was hiding between shelves of the library, hoping not to know anyone there. Then again, the majority of people she knew didn't waste their time in the library. She knew that she picked a group akin to her own self. The people she liked would be taking twisteds in their dorms, pregaming for the next Friday. As she was turning around, ready to take a quick snooze in the back corner, she collided into what felt like a brick wall; but when she looked up, she felt sick. Lucas Friar, over a foot taller than she is, triumphantly looking down at her. A smug smile lit up his face and her stomach flipped in distaste. Another boy who just wanted her attention - the idea made her feel sick inside.
"Just the girl I wanted to see," his face was glowing when he looked at her. She denied herself the satisfaction of keeping her focus on him. The force that usually helped repel her from boys like Friar seemed to be failing her, and she quickly had to fight off the way his voice sounded to her ears. "So, last night was-"
"Leave it, cowboy. I already ran into Charlie, and sorry to bust your balls of steel, but I'm not going out with you," she couldn't make eye contact with him. Something reminded her she wasn't allowed. She laughed when she could tell how disappointed he was to hear that.
"Oh, c'mon, Maya. I wasn't that bad, was I?" he said jokingly.
"No, you were worse." Lies. But usually a blast to their ego made them pissy and rude and was enough to let him go. But not Lucas. She stole a quick glance at him, and he was blushing. What she didn't know was that her fire was endearing to him; she was an intricate enigma, and her attitude made him want to fight back.
"Well, maybe you could give me your number and I could really get the chance to work on my skills," there was a small giggled in his throat and she had to hold her breath to make sure her heart didn't race. Why the fuck is this happening? Her mind made her hangover hurt even worse, but he wasn't allowed to win this one.
An airiness lifted her voice and she made sure that the gleam in her eyes sparkled strong enough to blind him. "You know what? You really are just the most charming kid on the campus, aren't you?" Her borderline Southern Belle accent made him blush and his ego seemed to be rising exponentially with his boner. She fought the force to hit him senseless. "Well, I do see that I was wrong with you. Why don't you take my number?" He lit up entirely - she fought off the butterflies that tried to come out of the graves in her stomach when he tried to fight off his smile. His pride was endearing, but she couldn't let him know that. And within a second, she was handing him a slip of paper and ran out the door.
His hands fumbled to open it like a kid opening a gift on Christmas.
"Eat my shorts, Sundance. "
She leaves the library feeling like fire, which is always good for her ego. She was laughing to herself while she ran fast enough to make sure that, when he leaves the library, he doesn't try and catch up to her. It was pointless. He was pointless. And so was Charlie Gardner and his stupid fucking memory trying to make her whole day feel like an empty space. As much as she wanted to be able to join her regular crowd and feel fine, she couldn't. The thought of him was consuming her, and she knew that she wouldn't be able to get him off of her mind. Even almost four years later, it all bites the same, especially when someone like Lucas thinks they can walk into her life like an absolute ignoramus. The wind blew onto her bare arms, the skin rose with the goosebumps and all of the sudden she missed the way he used to hold her late at night or extremely early in the morning. Inebriated most of the time, infatuated all the time. When she closed her eyes, he flashed before her; a sickness once again began to build up.
Josh was the time of her life. From seeing him in the hallway to chasing after him in the valley, he was all she wanted to know. He became this hopeful light that maybe someone like him could help patch up someone like her. The way he could look at her made her heart skip; the way he touched her was even better. But they could never be together, though, and he did a shit job at making sure she knew that. Then again, Maya chased sunsets, but when her horizon ran out, so did he. And she was left in the dark. Since then, Maya knew that she didn't believe in relationships for this reason. Sure, Missy was fun, but aside from something noncommittal, monogamy and all the emotions that come with it, is was never her thing. She likes to say that she just wants to have a good time, but deep down, she knows that the anxieties that find her and take over are horrifying. And the fact that Lucas Friar is gonna try and ask her on a date like they're still in high school made her feel all stupid.
When she finally woke up from her blank state of mind that occupied her for seemingly too long, she wasn't on campus anymore. She had somehow made it to the doorstep of her favorite home in the world. Riley Matthews' apartment. Within two minutes, she's at the door, waiting for the embrace of the person she loves most in the world. And when the plank before her started to move, she found calmness all over again.
"Maya, what are you doing off campus?" a sweeter, taller brunette met her first. Colombia
finished three weeks before Fordham, Riley had been with Maya almost every day since she got out. Maya can't find words, though, and looking at her only made it more apparent that she was ready to break. She fell into her arms almost immediately; of course, Riley knew exactly what to do.
With that impulse of emotion came hours of unadulterated conversation between the two. Maya told her about what really happened at the party, she told her about Lucas, and she told her about all the thoughts that ate away at her while she made her way over. It took her a while to say Josh's name, considering that he's her uncle, but Riley told her not to feel guilty. She was always too amazing at being the best friend in the world because she stopped believing blood makes you family a long time ago. She was brushing her hair while Maya let her heart out. They moved back and forth in conversation. First focusing on Josh, then laughing together about the party Riley had to sneak into. She was telling Maya all about this boy she met, but Maya didn't want details; she was too scared she might've known him. Of course, the time of night came where Riley tried to do her friend's makeup, but Maya didn't let it get too intense; just her eyes and that mango chapstick Riley always sworn by. The night was dwindling before them as were the emotions they shared so peacefully and so naturally. And in due time, they find it possible to enjoy the silence they shared together.
To juxtapose the two sides of a situation, the most prime example for any kind of perspective would be taking Maya Hart's relationship experience and putting it next to Lucas Friar's. The two would create the Yin and Yang of what relationships should be. While Maya had her Missys, Ravens, Dereks, and Billys; Lucas had something very extremely different. Any girl he was with and any relationship he was in had the track record of consistently healthy, and consistently long-term. He never got into a relationship that he didn't plan to last for at least 3 months. There had always been something inside him that pushed so hard for the chance at finding romance; from a young age, loneliness had been too hard for him to handle. Ironically enough, he's never said I love you. He almost did to Charlotte, but she broke his heart a couple days before he had planned to. While his heart felt shattered, unlike some, he didn't let past relationships define his future ones, but he did let them take the time to learn more about himself.
And so they ran into each other again the next day; well, not necessarily run into each other. He knew she'd be at the business seminar, and when she was finally alone in the right wing cafeteria, he decided to make his move. Zay gave him a final warning making sure he really wanted to awake the sleeping giant, but Lucas just blew him off. Zay was the most noncommittal of the boys, and everytime he knew that Lucas wanted to get into a relationship, he was always the first one to convince him out of it. Even after such harsh rejection, Lucas couldn't give up on Maya. It had been so long since he cared for a relationship, but she felt like a calling. She wasn't a Charlotte or a Daisy; she was something so much better, something so new.
She was journaling - or what seemed to be more like sketching, but he couldn't tell with her back faced to him. Most likely the latter, considering all the times she would doze off in their seminars and just create something so simple and beautiful out of her notes and on the edges of their exams. She looked peaceful enough to second guess what he was doing, but that was ridiculous and he had a plan. Running up behind her, he came up close and whispered, "I forgot to tell you that you're pretty sexy when you're angry."
He was on the ground within seconds.
Maya immediately slapped him as reflex, and he was trying to find a balance. She was screaming, she was yelling, she had completely gone rogue.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" the blonde was almost shaking with rage. Her hand was in the air as if she was ready to toss him around. "You fucking creep, why can't you just leave a girl alone?"
Lucas took a step towards her as he picked himself off the ground, but she stood her ground, and he quickly covered himself; she had a power. "No," he was cowering in fear, scared to look into her eyes the same way that child hides from lightning. "That came out wrong. I didn't actually mean it I swear," he stretched his arms out defensively and tried to show he was no harm.
Maya was even more filled with rage - everything he said, everything he did only pissed her off more and more. "You didn't mean it? You just say creepy sex shit to be funny?"
"No, no. I mean, I meant it, but not in the way you think I meant it," he laughed uncomfortably, trying to find the right explanation, but she just stared back at him in a rageful confusion. "Breakfast club? Eat my shorts?"
Maya rolled her eyes and tried to move on and away from him. To be such a fool
as to think that a cliche movie quote would swoon her proved that he was a bit more base than she already thought. She couldn't even turn around, though, because he interrupted her again. He was stuttering at first, trying to make ends meet and end his guilty conscience on the fact that the way he approached her was borderline misogynistic, but it was too painful to hear. She made him cut to the chase and something inside of her made her wish that she didn't. He told her that he really finds her interesting, and beautiful, and an amazing person to make out with. That he'd be such an idiot not to pursue her. That he just needs one date and if she really decides that she hates him that much, then he'd never step foot near her ever again. Most of her felt sick; to believe that his words all sounded so familiar; like the calm before the storm. They were the words she spent years building walls to protect and prepare for; the words she practiced shooting down. She was ready for her rejection and objection, but the second she looked him in the eyes in the anticipated silence they shared, those butterflies filled up again. Because looking at him felt like looking at the sun in the best way possible; and his awkward way of pursuing felt very extremely new inside of her. Because then there was the other part of her that told her to give things a shot; that didn't let her let go of hope. And in this moment, it somehow was so much stronger than its counter. Besides, she's never seen a smile like his before.
Swallowing practically all her pride, she sighed, "Fine. I'll see you at seven. You'll take me to that bar in the village. I'll be able to blink my way in, but you might wanna bring your fake."
Lucas lit up immediately. His face was plastered with an amazed shock, and he was caught completely silent and smiling at her like some struck goof. He was hit with her thunderbolt. "Yeah - Yeah that's great, that sounds perfect," he was laughing with a weird kind of readiness while she tried to hide her smile from him. They were staring at each other in a goofy smile kind of way when he decided to turn to Zay and give him thumbs up in some proud macho kind of way.
But Zay was preoccupied with Missy Bradford, and Lucas felt his stomach drop to his knees.
"Oh, Christ," he whispered under his breath while staring straight at his friend who looked like he was being devoured by someone half his size.
"Wait," Maya hit him on his arm to turn him around. When he saw her, she looked disgusted and confused, "are you telling me you know that kid? That you're friends with that manwhore? The kid who stuck his tongue down my girl's throat ten minutes after we broke up?" Her jealousy was filling up inside of her; she felt accusatory and volatile. "Did you use him two nights ago to get me on you, then, too? Did you just hope that you would land a date with me," Lucas tried to interrupt her, but she refused. "Well, looks like your little plan couldn't fool me. Fuck off, Friar. Go tip some cows and fuck your cousin." And with that, she was gone.
Charlie was back at the apartment, furiously going through his Sophomore year yearbook, trying to find a familiar face when the door was busted open and two bodies instantly fell onto the ground.
"I can't believe you would do this. I finally fucking land a date with this girl, and you have to go and screw it up," Lucas' voice was ferocious. Every time Zay tried to stand up, he immediately was pushed to the ground by a single tap from Lucas. Charlie had seen him angry, but not like this - not this jealous disappointment.
"Lucas," Zay's voice was shaky, as if he was planning to make sure not to say the wrong thing. "C'mon, man, it's fine. Besides, I didn't know that would happen. Missy just came onto me."
"Yeah, well just great ready. When I'm done with you, Missy will have to go to Church for
the way you turn out."
And that was Charlie's cue to stop them. Jumping over the couch and right in between
the two, he wanted to throw them both out of the window. Zay hid behind Charlie on the couch while Lucas' eyes were lit on fire. He was their mediator, and felt like there might've been a good explanation, but when Lucas told him that Zay was the reason Maya stormed off, he just felt tired.
"Lucas," Charlie's voice was exasperated and already bored. Having to explain rejection to him again, even though he already warned him before, made him feel like a broken record, "Look, Maya didn't turn you down because of Zay. She turned you down because she wanted to turn you down. Besides, if you even went on that date, she probably wouldn't had let you on a second. She was saving you the damage. She doesn't want you to -" End up like the last boyfriend she had, but if he even let those words leave his mouth, he would basically be digging his own grave now, "nevermind."
But Lucas doesn't nevermind. He can't. He knew that Charlie's known him longer than any of the other guys, so he must know why she's turning him down, which means that he also knows the way to fix things before the year ends. But when he asks, Charlie is still silent; he asks again and still gets silence. So he pushed and pushed until he actually threatened to really push Charlie, and that's when he got scared enough to spill.
"Fine. But you didn't hear it from me." Rolling his eyes before he continued, Charlie said his prayers. "Maya's got this friend Riley - best friends since babyhood. I've never met Riley, but I knew Josh, her uncle, but he's like a year older than us. I mean, more of a cousin, but the official title is uncle. I don't really know, it sounds kind of fucked up out loud." Lucas punched him straight in the arm. Charlie got the message. "Anyways, she and him had a thing while throughout her junior year into the end of that summer. But long story short cause I don't think I can truthfully give out details, she doesn't need another Josh in her life."
There was a silence in the room. Lucas finally connected the pieces, or at least, he felt like he did. His confidence let him believe that he knew all the answers he needed to find out; his cockiness came and gone, but when it was present, it was always a bitch to deal with. Charlie sounded out for confirmation, and he told him that he understood. His job was done, but what the boy didn't know was that he told Lucas enough to lead him in the wrong direction. A new determination was inside of him, one that told him all he had to do was prove he wasn't Josh; he needed to find Maya, he needed to help change her mind and heart about things. His cockiness blinded him to the reality of her headstrong beliefs rooted in a pain not to be brushed off, especially not by cowboys like Lucas Friar.
It was pure chance that they ran into each other the next morning. Lucas was walking out of his dorm building and Maya was walking in. She needed to find Charlie to get notes from their independent study class that she blew off all semester. But when Lucas saw her blonde waves run through the halls, to say he was compelled to stop her is a complete understatement. Maya doesn't look too pleased to see him, but something told him that this was the right thing.
"Look, Huckleberry, I'm sure whatever you want from me, you can get half the satisfaction from from your right hand, so do us both a favor and-"
"Maya," he interrupted, once again ignoring her joke, "first I want to apologize for Zay. He's a man with a heart that's in his dick, and if I knew Missy and you were together at any point in time, I would've ripped him off of her that first time at the party. Promise." She began to look impatient, what he was saying wasn't working. "Second, I wanted to let you know that, if there was ever a lifetime where you gave me a chance, I would never do to you what Josh-"
Her neck almost snapped at the sound of his name from someone like him, "I'm sorry, who?" Lucas smiled a little bit while looking around. The tone of her voice and look in her eyes made him nervous, but she spoke too fast for him to answer her. "Are you stalking me now, you freak? Who told you this? Was it Gardner? Christ, it must've been Gardner. I'm gonna kill that fucker. I can't believe you would even bring up J-" her voice broke off and she found herself choking on her own tears. The second she even tried to say his name, she fell to pieces. To know that Lucas might even have an idea of her weakness made it all so much worse. "Go to Hell, Lucas." She began to storm down the hall, ready to burst their door open.
"Charlie isn't in our dorm. He's at the park," Lucas' voice was soft, fearful, as if his timid regret could fix the bullshit he pulled.
"Fuck you, Huckleberry."
It was like she was set onto an inferno; the more she walked, the angrier she felt until her pace was a quick jog in the direction of Houlihan Park. She was determined to tear the shit out of Charlie Gardner. Nothing scared her more than the idea of her past and the things she purposely chose to keep quiet getting to anyone through word of mouth aside from her own. It made her feel twisted inside; especially from Charlie. He was the first person she told about what Josh had been doing; she was too scared to confront her best friend with the weird relation they had. Gardner was good comfort, too, even though he was the one who eventually had to make her break it off with him, his good intentions always follow through to action. The amount of nights she spent at his house, silent and bleak - weak form the way her heart exhausted with him letting her react in whatever way she needed to react; it was that time especially when she realized the value of their relationship together. Regardless, that was years ago, and apparently he felt like he could share someone else's secrets. When she found him, she stopped - he was sitting under the shade of the trees. He'd looked like he'd been staring at the sun - exhausted, but relaxed. She didn't care enough - it wasn't enough to make her second guess tying his to anchor and kicking him off the pier.
Kicking him over, she was shaking with a rage she couldn't define. Slightly hyperventilating, she picked him up by the collar, "I'm gonna kill you. I'm going to fucking kill you, Gardner."
He was in a shock that took him a while to wake up from. Being slammed by someone who barely makes 5'2" wasn't his definition of an ideal morning, but her anger was recognizable to him. "So, Friar told you. I told that bastard not to confront you about it." He looked down at Maya who was taking no amusement in his stalling. "I didn't tell him too much, I promise. I got weirded out by the whole he's-an-uncle-but-should-be-a-cousin thing and dragged on till he got annoyed."
"Tell me exactly what the fuck you told him," she pulled him closer and had a look of pure animosity for him. It made him nervous.
"I just told him you don't need another Josh in your life and that you two had a thing. Swear on it."
Maya rolled her eyes before letting him go. He immediately fell onto the ground, but the roots of the tree caught his fall. "Fine, but I'm still gonna kill you. You know how I get about people talking about him," Charlie looked away from her in a slight embarrassment the same way a dog runs from the trouble it makes. "I didn't come to college to bring him with me, and you of all people should know that." Charlie was silent in reconciliation. She stared at him until she felt bad enough for yelling. He was always just trying his best. Sitting down next to him, she leaned her head on his shoulder. "I don't need Lucas Friar up my ass because he thinks he knows everything about something he's completely clueless on."
"I know, Maya, trust me - I do. I just don't want to see you pushing him off for the wrong reasons," Charlie's voice was quiet, fearing he'd say the wrong thing and make her snap again, but she only shrugged in response. They broke dialogue while she took his arm and started to draw meaningless sketches with his pen on it. First it looked like it was going to be a rose, then it somehow became a lion, and he stopped looking after it became a forest. But Maya never was too content with the open quiet, and eventually asked what was keeping him so silent.
"I can't stop thinking about that damn girl, Maya," he said almost frustratedly.
She lifted herself off a him, "Mystery girl?" Part of her was ridiculously confused why he was still thinking about a girl from nights ago, but then again, it was Charlie.
"Yes, Mystery Girl. She was a dream. And I was the asshole who couldn't even remember to ask her about her name." Charlie Gardner: completely defeated.
She felt almost bad for him; it was sweet that he was so enamored that he couldn't even think to ask her of her name, but then again, it was the dumbest thing he had done in a while. "Well, I get around. Tell me about her, maybe I know her."
And so Charlie began to go off. Talking about how quickly he fell in love with her laugh, and her legs, of course. He told her how articulately she spoke, like every word was golden to her. By the time they were done in the night, they were staring at each other so long, so drunkenly, that he felt like he was in a dream. She was like this vision of a human being that put every girl he ever wanted to shame. Maya didn't care too much for it all, though.
"You're such a disgusting sap, Gardner. That bullshit didn't help me with anything except for identifying how heavy your heart is," she slapped him on the shoulder while forcing him to get to the point. She was never one for romantics.
Then, he said it.
"The only thing I really know is that she only wears Mango chapstick."
Maya shot up, immediately grabbing her bags in the most haphazard fashion. Her heart was beating out of her chest and her hands struggled to get her phone. Charlie tried to pull her down - her reaction made him think she knew something, but she pulled away without saying goodbye. Before he could even stand up, she seemed to be a mile away.
Her phone rang until her favorite voice picked up, "Riley, I have some interesting news for you."
And so Maya told Riley that she knew who the boy she met at the party was, but that she couldn't tell her just yet - it wasn't time. Riley begged slightly, but Maya wouldn't budge. They were both too much of insanely romantic idiots, and Maya wanted to see Charlie's reaction first - she would've gotten the biggest kick out of him. She hung up the phone leaving Riley to her memory and her overthinking while Maya had a bit of her own to do. Three hours must've passed between now and the Lucas incident of the day, and all she could do was mull over it. If Charlie gave him anymore details, Lucas would've known too much; granted, he probably wouldn't want anything to do with her and relationships, but it's the type of information that can't get out. Most importantly, though, holy shit - she was still ready to kill Gardner.
And then the universe threw her a bone that seemed to have landed straight in her face.
When she finally lifted her head up and off the ground, there was Lucas - two feet in front of her, not paying attention to where he was going. If it wasn't for her yelling at him, he most likely would've walked straight on her like a carpet. He was almost in shock when he saw her, but she only shook her head, "Oh my sweet and dear Lord, what are you doing to me, Friar?"
"Maya, no, look, this was purely coincidence - I promise. Trust me, I got the message last time, so I'm gonna walk whatever the opposite of your direction is and let you be," his voice was shaky, he spoke rapidly, and couldn't make proper eye contact. But that didn't bother Maya. She didn't want to see his face or speak to him, especially not after the earlier stunt he pulled. Giving him a complacent head-nod, she began to walk away from him and he walked opposite. It was right when she thought she was finally away from him that she heard him call her name.
She tried her best to look exasperated when she turned around - as if all her anger had run out and she just wanted to be able to go home and shower. But he was running back to catch up with her - his face all goofy the way that made her stomach fill up and stupid. "Look, Maya, I'll be staying in the rec loft cause I have to skype my parents back home and - well, I just wanted you to know that it wouldn't be the worst thing to maybe coincidentally walk into there, too, but strictly business - no strings or whatever. All that platonic kinda thing. I swear on my own grave, you know, since you've probably already dug it by now."
His voice and his absolute shame made Maya laugh to herself, but her subconscious made her shut the hell up really quick before either of them got the wrong idea. When she looked up at him, he was blushing in embarrassment and almost failing to make eye contact with her. "Well, we'll just have to see where the rest of my day takes me, right?" He looked disappointed, almost. "But just let it be known that smoothies are my favorite type of platonic surprise."
The rec-loft in Dorm C, even though it was quite a walk from Dorm F, was - for whatever reason - Lucas' favorite place on campus. By 9:30, it was cleared except for the couple of people who only stayed for a few minutes before walking out. It was perfectly quiet for him to relax, and there was always just enough to do when his roommates felt bored or antsy or cramped in their apartment. He had told Maya that he would be there probably between somewhere around ten o'clock to somewhere close to eleven, it all just depended on what his parents wanted to know this week.
When he called, it was just his mother - his father was already asleep and most likely didn't want to talk to him at that time anyways. The call eventually ended after 20 minutes because Mrs. Friar need to wake up Mr. Friar early and Lucas didn't have much to tell her this time - he didn't say a word about Maya; if she found out there is a girl in her life, she'll start making wedding plans in that instant. Ironically enough, Lucas still questions where he learned to wear his heart on his sleeve.
Of course it's 10:45 and he'd been sitting in the quiet, occasionally checking his phone or getting up to look down the hall or out the window every now and again. He considered just getting up, sending her a quick text, and going. He knew that she did a great job at making it seem like she wanted nothing to do with him. But then again, he couldn't get that laugh she tried to hide out of his head. When she looked down and he was lucky enough to listen, it made him feel like he wasn't so crazy for wanting to see her so badly. Sure, something happened with someone, but that was years ago. Then again, this was strictly business - all platonic and whatnot - but the future is always closer than people like to think and he was a sucker for hope. It was reaching 11:00 rather quickly, and her feelings for him were pretty clear. So he made his way to pick up his stuff and head back to his dorm so that everyone could yell at him once again for trying so hard.
"Wow, you're real impatient for some southern gentlemen," Maya laughed at the doorway while she watched as Lucas was packing everything back into his bag.
He jumped at the sound of her voice, but felt an excitement in him build just as quickly. Turning around, he faced the tiny little blonde who kept him waiting. "There you are. Now, look, it is late and we are alone, so if this is some sick plan to kill me, please make it a quick and painless death. I don't know what my mom would do if she had to bury her own son."
Maya rolled her eyes - not at what he said, but at what she was about to say. She looked like she was bracing herself from the pun of a bad joke. An so she apologized to him for the way she acted at the party first of all because as pleasant as she likes to believe that she is, she knows she isn't the most charming at times of desperate inebriation. And then, of course, she apologized for treating him rather poorly and for the way she acted around him and for being just a bit too mean. She told him Josh is a touchy subject that they will not be talking about. And when she was done, she wanted to run away. She felt vulnerable and open and uncomfortable and all the those signs of weakness that she constantly feared.
"It's completely okay, Maya," he spoke in a low, quiet whisper. He told her the words she didn't expect, but needed to hear. After the way she had treated him, it was the last thing she'd expected.
"Oh," her voice was almost inaudible and Lucas waited for her to continue, but she was still silent. So when he asked, of course she fabricated something to make him laugh. "Well, if you must really know, Huckleberry, the last guy I rejected told me that her mom should've made it on time for her appointment at Planned Parenthood." And he bought it. It sounded a lot easier than I'm just pretty pissed off at you for understanding so well. They sat next to each other - she did her best to make him laugh and it consistently worked. There was an awkwardness to their air, as if Maya wasn't as mysterious as she wanted to be, and Lucas was enjoying it too much. They were quiet every now and then - Lucas was never made uncomfortable by it, but Maya couldn't deal, so she was secretly rummaging through her mind to find anything to say - and then the perfect opportunity came.
"Did I tell you that I know who Mystery Girl is," Maya turned to face him confidently and felt successful as utter surprise wiped his dopey face clean.
He shook his head first, he was at a complete loss for words. "No," he whispered to her, "you're bluffing - there's no way in Hell. Charlie's been searching day and night for restlessly. Holy shit, you're serious. Did you tell him?"
"Good God, no. He would've shit himself right in front of me - you know how messy he gets with his emotions and whatnot." Lucas laughed in agreement, and she laughed when his filled her ears like music.
So, Maya went on about Mystery Girl, but told Lucas he was not to tell anyone just yet because she was still thinking of a plan. He promised, but she didn't trust him - so he swore on his life. And so she told him all about Riley Matthews and the wondrous person she was. It was funny to Lucas because if Maya Hart wasn't sitting with her in all her midnight glory, Riley sounded pretty similar to all his Charlottes back home. That didn't matter, though, because his infatuation for every word she spoke fulfilled him enough to find a deep contentment in the way she could go on for hours about anything that picked her passions; the beauty of it all to him, was that her passion was someone she loved - someone like a Riley.
First, Lucas lost track of time, and eventually, when Maya let her guard down bit by bit, she did, too.
For the next consecutive days, Maya and Lucas figured out ways to enjoy each other's company. They completely immersed themselves with one another - there was a connection unspoken of, and they found that they could talk for hours on end as long as Maya found a way to distance herself before the hours seemed to be going on too fast. He was a little too good for her and she knew that. They only had one unspoken rule: No Josh.
"So, this Lucas. Is he nice? Is he good? I assume good-looking, too? Taller? Wait, that was a dumb question, everyone's taller than you are," Riley Matthews' uncontrollable excitement and laughter was bubbling through the phone while Maya felt almost overwhelmed by her interrogation.
"Riles, you can't yell at me, okay? Really - please don't react to what I'm about to say," and she waited for her friend's promise before continuing. "Lucas is so… different - and it's terrifying, Riley, it's absolutely terrifying." Maya felt a nervousness - Riley always pushed for the better things for Maya, even if it was never in her best interest. And now that Maya's actually opening up to her about something so involving as this, it was hard to tell how she would react. How does she tell her best friend that she's spending too much time with this kid - how does she let her know that she feels like she doesn't deserve it. "I gotta run, Riles - it's what I have to do - I have -"
"Stop it. Stop it right now," Riley cut her off as soon as she continued. Her voice had lost it's giggles this time. She told her not to run - she told her that, even as a friend, she of all people deserves someone as good as this kid seems. She always has.
Maya felt that her words were genuine, but everything else was telling her that there was no point - so she changed the subject. "So, have you given much thought into Charlie?"
"Well, considering I finally got his first name out of you, I figured that maybe it's pointless. He can't be that hellbent over it. I just really liked playing with his hair," Riley sounded exhausted and exasperated over him. If only she knew that he was doing the same, but Maya did - and that made it all so much better for her end.
"Look, not that I believe in monogamy or dates or… that boring shit that you love, but I do know that Charlie's gonna be studying at that cafe on Mill River Road that we used to go to," Maya felt something warm fill her heart with Riley's audible excitement on the other line. "I'm not saying you have to go, but maybe trying to say hi wouldn't be the worst thing?" Riley told her she'd consider it and there was a little bit of beauty knowing how close the two were to crossing paths.
The next day, she was with Lucas playing Mario Kart. They were completely alone in the apartment - talking about basically whatever they wanted. When Lucas was probing into details about her too much, she looked for an escape and found them in the game controls on the floor. She was grateful for her ability to solace out any form of avoiding confrontation. It was just when she was about to finish the fourth round when Charlie ran inside and turned off their TV. They both cursed him out angrily.
He was silent, but giddy. Disgustingly so. Lucas rolled his eyes and tried to ask him what was making him jump around, but he was so ready to talk that he cut him off - "I found her. Got her name, too. Riley Matthews, and God, could I talk to her for hours." Maya felt her heart light up as she kicked Lucas under the coffee table. "And I didn't even need you guys. I told you I could find her. Well, she found me - kind of. I still can't believe that we were in the same place - I mean, I was gonna sleep in today, I really was. But I didn't, and when she dropped her mango chapstick, I went to pick it up. Of course, she did, too, and when her hand flew in my face, I got a nosebleed. But talk about a great conversation starter, right?" It wasn't until he shut up that they both saw the dried blood cracking above his lip. And so he talked about her for the next two hours that Maya was there. His happiness was enlightening and contagious, and she almost didn't leave, but nothing beat the feeling that came with what she saw when she checked her phone: Honey iMessage (46); Missed Call: Honey (12); Miss Facetime Call: Honey (19).
They knew it was just friendship. They played Gameboy in the dead of the night, she shared beers with the rest of the guys, she wrestled him until he gave in to watching what she wanted, and they shared notes for the upcoming seminar final; but there was still that voice in the back of her head that told her that spending all day every day together until one of them passes out isn't as platonic as it should be. It was terrifying her. She thought about Charlie and Riley at the party - the way they could just sit together in silence but still somehow make eye contact and look happy; and how she saw the way they couldn't stop talking about each other after one night together. That can't happen for people like Maya.
"Did you hear that Charlie and Riley are going on a date tonight?" Maya broke the silence they shared; she was in his room, looking - and necessarily mocking - at all his pictures with his family while he tried to cram as much information about being the value of constructive meetings in a consecutive business setting as he could.
"Maya, I told you already. As much as Riley is telling you right now and last night and yesterday and the night before that, I am hearing most likely a thousand times more the excitement from Charlie," Lucas laughed but at the same time sounded like he was going to pass out. The two lunatics they shared as friends were clearly driving them both insane. "But then again, I don't know this Riley - only the stories you've told me."
"Trust me - if you knew her, you'd love her. Everyone does. Makes her perfect for our Charles."
"And you're telling me that, while you knew Charlie and you knew Riley and you went to school with the both of them, you didn't try and set this up before?"
"Well, of course I thought about it. But you know Charlie and I know Riley - they're lovers of all that fate. And here we are," her voice trailed off when she came to a picture Lucas had on his bureau. Two older people - mid thirties, early forties - with a little boy - definitely a preteen.
She was caught silent on it - Lucas kept asking of her, but she wasn't speaking. She was absolutely mesmerized.
Walking up behind her from off the bed, he holds the corners with her.
"Mom and Dad. Of course, I was younger then. This was my first baseball tournament," He spoke softly while she was memorizing every moment this picture held; their happy smiles, their proud eyes, the fact that Lucas had both his mother's and father's arms wrapped around him. It looked like the movies to her. "That was one of their proudest moments. It's funny, too, I was just about to-"
"What was your father like?"
He was caught off guard.
But she was staring at him with a glossed, almost teary look in her eyes. And he
understood what she was asking. "Well, kind of distant - most southern, traditional dads are that way. And hot-headed. Strict. Never let me out past 11. But I knew he cared. He always has." They were silent again. Eventually, he was stuck staring down at it, too - as if it's meaning was changing right before him. Then again, it couldn't - it was always his happiest moment of childhood. Soon enough, he saw the way her breathing was slower and deeper than usual, and it was almost like he couldn't resist himself. "But everyone's dad's like that, I guess. Just depends on what about."
"Not mine," her voice was a cracked whisper under the shadow of his over-looking. "Not my father at all." Lucas didn't comment - there was that one night Maya's mom had called her while they were at a diner. She walked back inside looking a little heartbroken. He never asked questions, though. That was the rule. Instead, he waited for her to talk to him. "He left me and mom when I was six. The rest is history. There was one time I asked him to visit, but I don't like to think about it much. I guess it's easy to fabricate ideas of people in your head rather than realities when everything is left so open-ended. No closure or anything." Her voice was failing her, but she wanted to keep talking - he could tell. Every now and then, she would tell him more, and he only ever listened. She told him about how much she loved her mom - how they always believed in each other so deeply even when it seemed like no one else would. She told him about all their happy times and some of their worst times together. She told him about the way the thunder scared her, and the fact that she knew her father wasn't going to be able to tuck her in anymore seemed to have scared her more. And just like that, the more she spoke, the less of an enigma she became.
"I wish I could say I don't remember him. But I do. I always do. And I think that makes it all hurt worse."
The fact that he can't relate heals her and breaks her completely all at the same time.
The fact that he can't find the right words to say breaks him completely. With no compromising in between.
Maya told Lucas that she would be busy the next day, and that he should come over closer to the night because it would be more convenient. He was fine with it, assuming that she had whatever to deal with. Truthfully, though, Maya couldn't see him again - at least, not without a breather. She convinced herself things were fine until she had called Riley to hear about the date. She told her everything from the beginning to the end, almost with too much detail; but when Maya told her about her night with Lucas, Riley told her that it seemed a little intense for friendship. Maya hung up the phone, and she didn't answer when Riley tried to callback. All she knew was that she needed to let her mind lay low; if she let herself get distracted, she would still be setting herself up for disaster in the end. Hell, it's what she let happen with Josh. He told her all these nice things and had all these funny stories - his life was seemingly perfect like Lucas', and she chased. She was left drowning after diving to save an anchor.
It was almost eleven when she woke up from her trance to a knock at the door.
"Sorry, I know I'm a little later than usual," Lucas barged in - wide smiled, frazzled - the way he always is, "but Farkle and Zay were killing me at 500 Rummy. And you know me - I refuse to lose to them -" but Maya wasn't listening to him. His voice was too loud in her ears and her heart felt like it was falling out. Listening to him like this - all normal and friendly - made her feel faint.
"Hey -" her voice came off too strong to cut him off and when she realized that his full attention was on her without question or remorse for making him shut the fuck up about card games; she couldn't look him in the eyes. "I was just wondering if you wanted to hear a story."
He looked at her with unquestionably her favorite smile yet - his eyes so easy, his head tilted slighty, it was as if he had heard a symphony. She felt lightheaded when she looked at him.
They were sitting on her bedroom floor - well, he was sitting, and her head was in his lap while she looked up at him. He knew she was tired; the bags under her eyes, the clothes she wore last night, and the long, constant yawns gave her away pretty quickly, but she still wanted to talk to him. Mutually, it was their favorite thing to do, and somehow they both told the best stories. Maya must have been talking for an hour at this point - and about anything and everything. He thought she was just going off exhaustion, but truthfully, she couldn't handle the silence they constantly shared. It always made her accidentally stare at him too long or think about him too much or anything that always sent off those red warning signs she wished she paid attention to in the past. The worst would be when he would smile at her and blush as if he was aware of what she was thinking. The vulnerability felt like a noose waiting to be pulled at the masquerade she plays for everyone else in her life.
"I tried to pay him $14 to write my personal narrative for english class freshman year, but he refused. I mean, I could've sworn he was a gold digging freak nerd. He sometimes wore glasses and before he got that blessing of a haircut, his fringe sometimes covered his eyes. I swear, if he didn't make varsity baseball that year, he would've been part of my crowd and maybe he and Riley would've met then. But he had his people and I had mine. We were just lucky enough to never cross the line of sharing friends. I don't like the idea of that mess. Anyways, he came back the next day an emotional wreck because his morals told him not to do it, but he was scared I'd cut off his balls like I'd promised him if he didn't. It wasn't the worst paper, I got a B-, but I decided to do my own work from there on. And ironically, here we are," Maya laughed before quieting down - thinking about how so much in her life has happened to bring her to a moment like this; a properly acclaimed school with her best friend and her home only a 20 minute walk away. There was a peace that carpeted the crushing anxiety that constantly filled her whenever she thought about time, but alas, it was a comfort she needed. After that, it must've been about fifteen minutes of silence. They were leaning on the end of the bed next to each other. Even though she was weary out of her mind and kept dozing in and out of sleep, she still felt tense for every minute he smiled at her and the way his hands unconsciously raced her hair like it was so natural to him. Whenever he spoke, she smiled. Whenever she made fun of him, he gave her that goofy laugh that made her cheeks blush and face feel hot.
Then it broke.
Their eyes were locked on each other's. She knew he was smiling at her by the way his crinkled at the end. There was no anxiety, instead he felt like a trace of tranquility, which was only elevated by the fact that it was midnight. There was a beauty to the blueness, but she saw him leaning in. She saw them closing as they neared closer to her's. She pulled back instantly, as if her impulse matched her reaction. She didn't want to see his face. She could already feel his disappointment.
"C'mon," Maya sounded quiet and tired, trying to mask her apprehension, "You don't want to-"
"But I do. I wouldn't have tried if I didn't," he was groggy and bothered in a sense. As if he was generally disappointed with himself. But still, it burned her a little bit. "Maya, really l-"
"Don't." Her neck snapped to look him in the eyes. "Don't you dare say it, Lucas, I swear to God."
"But it's the truth. I just need you to know that," he looked sympathetic and upset with her, but she was only feeling a surge of rage and panic.
She got on her feet. Sitting next to him made her feel even more restless than usual. "I already know, okay? I know. I know. I know. But didn't we get into this friendship strictly business and all? We're not supposed to get close like this. I don't want to." Her voice was beginning to shake and the sound of his voice seemed tangible. He kept asking her why. Why. Why. Why, Maya? All she wanted was for him to understand that she can't be so complacent with him all the time - they had the rule, she wish he got the point of the understanding. He asked her why her hands were shaking and why she looked like her eyes held oceans worth of tears. But it took her minutes until her breathing caught up to her - the hyperventilating wasn't a convincing sign of her sanity, but she couldn't deal with the idea of him. "I get like this when people try and get close." But he called bullshit on her.
"I'm sorry, what?" Her voice was offended with a hint of rage and absolute disappointment. He was supposed to understand, he was supposed to care. But when she looked down at him, all she saw was someone who seemed to be mocking her for telling him the truth.
"Maya, c'mon. I saw you with Missy. I saw you constantly all over her. And you guys were together for months. You seemed to be doing fine, and you're telling me that with us it's different?" A voice that started off confident eventually seemed to close up into silence. He put the pieces together. The emotional connection they shared cut deeper than anything she had with Missy or the other people in her life he's seen her with on campus. He got up next to her to console her, but when he went to hold her, she pushed him away immediately. She was sobbing and shaking and he didn't know what to do.
Her mind was hellbent on memory. When she opened her eyes, he was trying to hold her, but when she closed her eyes, there was no black peace, only the sight of Josh. It was like Lucas wasn't real, the only reality she knew was the past that's ingrained into her mind like a needle and thread on her memory. The worst was how she could still feel Josh's arms around her waist; she could still hear those words of "Just wait, please, Maya. Come with me tonight, and maybe tomorrow will be the morning I'll let her go. C'mon, Maya." It burned her ears. She was in a desperation that called her to do anything to wake up into reality. She hadn't even realized the way she was scratching her arms until her hands were in his and the air brushing against the red skin burned her.
Lucas had forced her to look into his eyes. She told him that she couldn't open her eyes, that there was no reality to be seen, but she was talking too fast for her own self. And it wasn't until Maya's eyes were staring back at his that Lucas began to feel calmer, better. She seemed to start to be okay again. It was then that he fell in love with the way her eyes turn gray when they're in a sea of her tears. When her breathing seemed to have calmed down, he sat her down on her bed.
"He put me on the tip of his finger, and I danced while he twirled me around. I could've danced for him forever, and I was ready to. But he knew that. I just didn't realize how strong his wind was until I fell off, and all my pieces broke," she sounded weak and only stared blankly at the ground in front of her. Her heart felt like it was being ripped from her chest all over again. "Lucas, I can't let that happen to me again. I can't. That pain felt like it was never gonna end. I will never be the same girl I was before him, and the last three years, I've learned that I don't need a relationship. I don't want one. So save your hormones for someone better."
Every word she said broke his heart. She tried to look into his eyes, but they're so blue and saddened that it hurt and she buried her face back into her knees. "God, please, just don't look at me like that. Don't look at me at all. Just go. Please, it's getting late. You have to go. Don't think about me, don't call or text. I'll be fine. I'll go to bed."
He cleared his throat before speaking. He had been so hyper focused on the way every word she said made him feel. He had thought that she at least realized how deeply he felt for her. That she wasn't just another hormonal trip before summer. And just like that, there was a potential emptiness carving its way into him. "Maya, I'm not gonna just le-"
"PLEASE, Lucas."
They stared at each other, but she looked away almost immediately. The entire world was shaking at the palm of her hands; it was all as if she had nothing and everything at the same time. She felt nothing and she felt everything at the same time.
And he was gone.
Maya had gone to Riley's an hour after he left. The walk to Greenwich Village at one in the morning wasn't pleasant, but neither was she. Not now.
Maya walked into the apartment to Charlie and Riley hooking up on her couch. Instantly, she regretted the day that she made that copy of her key. "And you told me that you two were just hanging out. Fucking romantics. Disgusting." Without another word, she walked into Riley's bedroom. Of course, she could've gone into her guest one that Riley always had ready for Maya, but of course, Maya needed her to know that she couldn't be alone right now. Not at a time like this.
Riley knew something was wrong. Maya can hear her whispering to Charlie so sweetly. Asking him to leave so that she could talk her down. There was no world in which Gardner wouldn't understand.
"Hello, my peaches," her voice was like a blanket to Maya, and when she saw her little head peep through doorway, it was as if all her anxiety had been relieved from her. She sat on her bed next to Maya. They were silent for a while, and Riley watched as tear drops began to fall onto her hand. Calmly and so sweetly, she grabbed the brush on her bureau and brushed the blonde curls she was always so in love with. Playing with Maya's hair and caring for her at the dead of night was just like middle school and high school and all the days they spent together till fate ripped them apart all over again. In between silences and sobs, she gave her the reassuring, "I love you, Peaches. I love you a whole lot. Forever and forever."
Then, Maya took in a deep breath to face Riley. "I haven't cried about him in so long, Riley. But when Lucas tried to kiss me tonight," she avoided eye contact so she wouldn't have to see her reaction, "I couldn't help but remember that first time - when Josh came up and kissed me. And all the ways he'd promised me he'd break up with his girlfriend. All the ways he lied to me. Only to tie that leash around my neck for me." Maya stopped before her breathing got out of control again. Her head was pounding. "He's the reason I am the way I am today. I can't let anyone have this mess."
Riley stopped her and immediately pulled her into a hug. The tightness making Maya feel at home again. "First of all, you're my mess, and I'm never gonna clean you up because you don't need to be cleaned. Second of all, you are my best friend in the world, Maya." She pulled away to look at her, both of them with quiet tears down their face. She reminded her of Maya's friendship with her. The fact that they made it to twenty years old proves that they can make it through anything. Together or apart. "You are the most deserving human being I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. And I'm sorry, but this Lucas clearly makes you happy. I can hear it whenever you tell me your stories. He knows that, too, and he hasn't left. He isn't going to leave. You just need to remember how absolutely dazzling you are to be around."
They didn't leave each other's side until the sun came up.
Charlie woke up early, as per usual, sitting in bed at least an hour before actually getting up for the day. He felt a peace fill him up when his face still smelled like pressurized mango and aloe vera. He got home so late that he couldn't wash his face or anything - just fall straight asleep. When he walked into the main room, expecting to be alone since it was eight in the morning and the rest don't usually wake up till about an hour or so later than he does, he was pretty shocked to see Lucas at the table. Charlie didn't say much, though - Lucas looked like a zombie. Bags under his eyes, hair completely disheveled, and still in his own shoes. He looked like he had been staring at the wall for hours. His impulse told him to ask questions, but then he remembered Maya coming to Riley's apartment, and he thought it best to just let him be while he got some food ready for the both of them.
"Morning, bright eyes," Charlie said setting a plate down in front of him and sitting down. "You look like death, eat up."
Lucas looked him straight in the eyes with an exhausted annoyance. "If you knew the night I had, you wouldn't be such a dick." Charlie let the comment slide while something inside told him his night couldn't have been as bad as Maya's.
"Well, since you've been quiet as a mouse, I'll just leave it to my own imagination."
And with a probed annoyance, Lucas told him all about last night. About the stories, about the quiet, and about the panic. He told him about how he thought she was fine, and how he thought she was okay, but the second he tried to get close, she pulled away. "I just don't understand how it all happened in an hour."
When he was done, Charlie felt a pit in his stomach. Maya's reactions were still so similar to those from high school, he just hadn't seen them so violent while at college. Something hurt him to know that, even after all this time, Maya was still so torn up about something she couldn't get out of. "Listen, Lucas. I know it sucks a lot to have that situation. I know it's hard when Maya pushes and pushes and pushes. Trust me, she's been doing it to me for years and I'm only a friend, but you can't resent her for it. I'm pretty sure if she could control it, she would."
Lucas didn't seem pleased, though. His persistence was extremely elevated, most likely by the fact that he didn't get any sleep. "But how can I tell her that I'm not going to hurt her - that I would never hurt her? How can I make her believe me?"
"Maybe for now, you can't be that close yet."
"No," Lucas shook his head while slapping him on the arm. "Cmon, Charlie, fuck that. I can't look at her without wanting to kiss her. I can't stop my hands from shaking whenever I'm around her because of how hard it is to control the urge to just grab her face and her waist and her hands." He was getting noticeably frustrated at the thought of her. "I know I promised her we could be fine friends because I thought she was the same girl at the party - some raging ball of never ending fire and energy. But you don't know what I've learned and seen in her the last few days, especially. Controlling myself around her - censoring myself- as selfish as it is, it's all torture. And I know that she feels the same. So if I can't pull her out of this, and she learns that there's just another person gone, or wasted, or failed, then what's that going to do for her when more guys past me come around?"
It had been three days since what had happened, and neither Lucas nor Maya talked to each other since. Of course, there were the lingering texts and almost-calls, but pride swallows a lot heavier than change. It's torture. Riley, Charlie, Farkle, and Zay would meet to ask about how each one is, but they gave the same answer. Quiet. Unresponsive. Not Eating Enough. Angry.
Maya heard quiet bickering outside her door one day around noon - it wasn't angry, but it was loud enough to wake her up from her numb slumber on the couch. Opening the door, she saw Charlie, and when he put his head down in embarrassment, a bashful Riley gave her a sympathetic smile. She let them in because she knew she had no choice. Riley had been with her every day since they woke up in her apartment. Maya wonders if her sadness is getting too much for her and fears that Riley's too golden for her touch, but then again, Riley's always shined, even in their darkest moments together.
The two are trying to make small talk with her, and that makes her mood worse than it already had been. Charlie lets Riley take the lead on handling things, but when Maya gives them the half-smile and can't look him in the eyes, he knows that she feels just as destroyed as she looks.
She breaks.
"I just can't get close to him. I can't let it happen again." No strength. No eye contact. No breath.
"Maya, it won't."
She laughed at the ignorance. A resentment filled up inside her that she quickly had to kill; it would only make the present situation much worse if she tried to fight her on something she's only trying to help with. "Riley, are you kidding me? Josh didn't just pick me from a hat. He knew I would be easy to tie around. I care too deeply and too quickly - you know that of all people. No matter what, as soon as feeling get involved, I just find myself on the extreme sides of them. I'm a catalyst to the emotions and people I'm supposed to enjoy. I can't do it again." Maya stopped before her thoughts consumed her up again. A wave of shame began to consume her at the idea that two people in something so healthy together were listening to her pour her heart out over something that happened so long ago. It made her feel pathetic to think it all still affected her so deeply. It didn't matter, though. These feelings would pass and so would Huckleberry. All they have to do is leave her alone.
But Charlie couldn't handle listening to her like this, especially while knowing that Lucas is on the other side begging to be let in. Three weeks spent biting his tongue were torture enough, but to have someone he only saw the best in rip herself apart because of something she couldn't ever change made him want to rip his own hair out. Usually, he could just squeeze Riley's hand or hold his breath, but not anymore. It was going on for too long, and he knew most that if it went on any longer, it would only be added to her reasons for self-resentment. And that terrified him.
"Maya, he wants to handle you at all times."
Maya glared at him instantly. He was quiet for too long; it was bound for him to say something, and she knew that. He was close with the both of them, but the last thing she had expected was for him to say something that felt like another way to make her hold onto the only situation she wanted to just let go of completely. It felt like a pathetic attempt to try and fix something she wanted to keep broken.
Charlie became sheepish - usually he could control impulse, but not this time. It was better not to held in. So he let himself go on. The worst damage had already been done. "You told me about that night when you freaked out. You told me he left, and I know that only reminded you of the worst, but you also told me that his touch were the only hands that have ever calmed you down. He protected you from the thoughts you cannot control. You have to understand that he cares more than you want to believe."
Almost instantaneously, Maya got up and out of the door.
The hopeless romantic in Riley told her that she was going off in the rain to find Lucas, but the best friend in her knew the truth. And the truth was very much valid. Maya's favorite place off campus was Champs Bar. She'd been going there since the day she got accepted - her fake has always done her some good in times of need. It was a shit bar that attracted the usual crowd of stressed college kids and average creeps who tried to hard to pretend like their wedding bands didn't leave a green ring around their left finger when they tried to pass as single. Maya only went there alone; one time she brought Zay and somehow he managed to be the one dancing shirtless on the bar - never again. It was only five, but the night crowd had been there since two; so she sulked alone at the bar, praying to God that no one would try and approach her this time.
Her phone was buzzing - mainly from Riley. Her anxiety texts were the sole reason Maya had to turn off her read receipts.
Hi, Peaches, just checking on you.
Hi, lovie, give me a call when you can.
Hey, peaches.
Honey?
Miss you!
Let me know if you're okay. Talk when ready. Thinking of you lots.
It was endearing, but not what she needed. If she talked to Riley right now, the only thing that would happen would be a pit of shame and anxiety for doing exactly what she needed even if that wasn't the best thing for her mental and emotional state. Riley just didn't get it. She could never wrap her mind around the fact that sometimes, Maya just needed to be alone. That was never a bad thing, though. If the world were to stop tomorrow, the only thing she would ever need would be Riley's company.
At least an hour had gone by. Maya was on her third Bloody Mary while trying to keep her head low so that no one tried to come up to her. Of course, there was the inevitable 50 year old who asked "what such a lovely young girl is doing in a place like this?" Or the kid her age who tried to impress her by buying her a drink, in which case she would thank him gladly and immediately walk away from. She kept doing the same - putting her phone down, waiting a couple minutes, checking it to see no notifications, and sighing. Repeat . Repeat. Repeat. It had been her cycle for the last few days, as if she was waiting for something she didn't quite know of just yet. Her patheticism seemed to obvious, as if she couldn't rid herself of some giant, blinking arrow that said: EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED PERSON. The idea of her own vulnerability made her feel sick.
It was right when she found a sense of complacency in her open alone that someone had sat next to her and just ordered a Blue Moon.
"We do this a lot, don't we?"
Maya turned around with only slightly drunk motivation to see Cowboy Friar, smiling all bright and beady eyed at her while the neon lights made him look like her own personal demon sent straight from her own personal Hell. And of course he was smiling at her with that dreaded beautiful smile she couldn't help but admire that held it's own hint of personal shame. He wanted her to laugh and hit him like she always does. She wasn't amused, though. Only severely disturbed and annoyed, "Huckleberry, spare you and me some time and just go home. I'm guessing Charlie texted you and told you I was here. That fucking asshole. Can't stay out of my business for one day."
Lucas didn't answer her, though, because he and she both knew that it didn't matter. What did was that he was here right now instead of with the rest of them. If she didn't have too much pride, she would've told him the truth that she was happy he was with her, but every time she looked at him she felt her throat close up and her head felt too spinny at the moment to want to make him feel good. She couldn't stand the fact that he was here, next to her, trying to make conversation when they haven't said a word in three days. The worst part was that he couldn't stop smiling at her - like nothing was wrong, like nothing had happened between them at all.
"Can you just go home now?" Her words were sharp and caustic, but she passed as nonchalant in the way she didn't make eye contact with him. If anything, her goal was to focus on anything but him.
"Maya," his voice was soft and easy and nice and everything she didn't want right now.
"Cowboy, wander down yonder back to good ole' safe Texas and say a prayer for me, okay? You're a good guy - go be good with someone else." When she turned to face him, he looked confused and almost angry at what she had just said. It couldn't have hurt his feelings - if anything, in her book, that was a compliment. He shook his head in a disappointment; her heart felt like it was going to sink.
"You really believe that?" He was staring straight at her, and she could feel the piercing burn of his gaze, but it still wasn't enough to face him.
She laughed mockingly at him, as if she found the joke in what he was saying. "C'mon. I'm supposed to believe that you came here to sit with me and try to convince me in your Texas accent of all your good shit. That you won't be like Josh? I've heard it all before. Spare yourself the oxygen."
"No, that's not why I came down here, actually. I wanted to apologize to you. And before you yell at me, I just want you to know that I'm okay with being friends. I was then and I am now - just know that that night everything got the best of me. I know you might not care about how I feel around you, but please know that, as much as I want to be so much more than where you're sticking me, I'm okay with anything with you. As long as we're talking. Cause I didn't know it was so hard to not talk to someone until I had to literally almost break my phone to give you space. So - that's it. Okay? I'm not gonna try, I'm not gonna push you, and I wish I didn't do any of that to you in the first place." He looked at her in a breathless fatigue - as if he had been holding his breath for three weeks and finally let it out, but when words came out, his heart followed. There was an empathy to him she could never forget, and seeing him under the neon blue bulbs above them in a setting so scummy where he still felt no shame, even if that meant having to yell over shitty karaoke night, made her feel a little twisted. She must've been looking at him for too long, because when she noticed him about to get out of his seat, she felt her heart skip a beat in apprehension. "Well, that's all I wanted to say. Didn't want you leaving with the wrong idea of me, so I'll let you be now."
"Lucas, wait."
He turned around slowly.
Her eyes were entirely shut - her drink absently shaking in her hand while she hopped off the chair to face him. When she walked straight past him, he knew to follow.
Maya took him to the lot behind the bar. She was fidgety - not making eye contact with him.
This was the first time since they had met that Lucas hadn't found a complacency with the way things got too quiet too quickly. He watched the way she couldn't meet his eyes, the way she couldn't stand still. "Remember what I said about a quick and painless death?"
"Shut up, Huckleberry."
"Hey, I said I could just go on my way."
"No, no. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I'm," she sighed to herself before allowing herself to say anything more. "I'm really sorry, Lucas, okay? I'm really, really, really sorry. I don't want you to think I've lead you on. I promise - I never wanted to do that. I never wanted to end up liking you like I have or had or am." And so she continued. When she rambled, she had to take a second to breathe and remind herself where she was going with this. All she wanted to tell him was how much she wanted him in his life. How terrifying her current emotions are, but how she doesn't want to feel fear around him anymore. He lets her forget all the reasons she needed to build walls in the first place. "Listen, I know you're not like Josh - he would never stalk me on campus because he liked the way my eyes sparkled when I'm buzzed. I just don't want to hurt you, Lucas. I really, really don't want my guard to get in your way."
"Get in my way of what?"
"Someone better - easier with their emotions and all those things I've never had the pleasure of experiencing," Maya spoke quietly and with the strongest hint of cynicism. "Stop looking at me like that, please, Lucas, you're making this so hard."
But he couldn't and he wouldn't and he didn't. His eyes were overfilled with an exonerated hope that she would just listen to the communication she had tried to bring to ear; but it seemed like all his efforts failed. His heart was pounding every time she spoke or even tried to flutter eye contact to him. If he couldn't see her eyes, then his focus fell onto her mouth, and he had to hold himself together before melting before her. He could hear her begging him to stop, but there was no part of him found able to let go. Her eyes were so captivating - the way they glistened. Everything about her was a total force calling to him. And before either of them knew it, he took her face in both his hands so that his lips could meet hers. Maya's shock was quickly defeated by the fact that a genuine contentment flowed the second he stopped her from leaving. He held her, and he found the fulfillment he had been trying to reach since the second she said hello; the way she didn't pull back - the way she kept holding onto him - the validation that he knew they were right. The realization that she was no sunset - she was the colors that burn when lightning strikes. As lethal as she was, he couldn't help but run after her magnificence in some cruel sense of serendipity.
"You know that you're the only person I could ever want, especially now," his voice was low like a whisper as he pulled away. It filled her up and made her feel uncontrollably warm.
The unpredictable sensation she always held onto, the only constant emotion in her life whether positive or not, instantly seemed to wither away with his touch.