Yo, yo yo...lol Yeah I know that I've been gone for umpteen months but here is an update forgive me!!
lol
Yeah is story will step foot on the relams of angst, abuse, self-loathing...yah it's pretty dark, but I liked writing it so I hope you will enjoy reading it. Please review people's and I will get the second chapter up and running
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Memoirs of a Night Captain:
Chapter 1: Hemisphere
"Even so,
Just what in the world,
Can someone like me possibly do...?
The reality in this cramped miniature garden,
To change it, what can I do?
I haven't even lived out half of my life yet,
Rebelling and embracing each other,
Tattoos of experience are chiseled in without me realizing it...
When I am forced to stand at the edge of cliff,
Adversity grabs me by the arm,
And then I saw where I belonged for the very first time.
To an even vaster field,
To some place even deeper and bigger,
Where I just defiantly face the utterly unpredictable world..."
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My name, my life, my title, my self. It does not matter. For too many years I have been in chains because of my past deeds. Deeds I believe could have been evaded. Such simple things have shackled me to self-pity, insecurity, pain, anger, and perhaps an unrequited love? No. Not love...
In order for my words to be understood you must follow my story...My lightening quick revolutions as I went from a child to the adult I am now.
So let us begin...
I had neither a conventional nor happy childhood. I cannot say that I was happy with it nor can I say I was content.
For reasons I would not know until I was on the stepping stones to adulthood, my foster father sent me to live with the Ilmatian monks in the forest just beyond the depressing swamps of the mere. I was six when he first left me in their care.
I remember being scared and clinging to my foster father, begging and crying for him not to leave me. He, instead of coddling me with warm words, pushed me to the cold stone floors of the monastery and left without a sound. I sat on my faintly sore behind watching him leave and crying, screaming for him to return. I cannot recall how long I was in this state but a large gentle hand comforted my little shoulder and I began to calm down hearing kind and wise words.
"Why do you cry so much my child? Do not believe that he has gone forever, but only for a spell. For reasons he has not allowed us to know, he has entrusted you to us and let I can see his decision has hurt you. Endurance, child that is one of Ilmater's many principles and starting now you will learn to let vices seep into you yet cause you no harm." As if on command, or because of the atmosphere of my new home my tears ceased and the final couple that slid down my cheeks, where wept away by a foreign cloth.
"Here, my child, turn around to face me." Still shivering from my hasty abandonment, I turned to face the owner of the kind, yet wise, voice. My young eyes widened but eventually softened at the face of the man. An adult to me then, but little did I know of how fast children grew under the guidance of Ilmatian monks. His black hair shined brightly under the light of the burning wall torch, the light also accentuating his well-formed face and grass-colored eyes.
"There..." He opened his arms, ready to embrace me. Frightened, I scooted away from him shaking my head.
"I-I d-don't know you," I stammered over my words as my eyes looked down to study the stone floors. The sound of his quiet steps moving towards me brought on the fear again and I crawled across the floor, as far away as I could until I came to a wall. The man with a kind voice smiled and pressed his back against the wall, slowly sliding down until he was sitting next to me. Afraid, I buried my face full of fear and anguish in my hands, my knees pressed to my chest.
"Please dry your tears, my girl. What can your humble servant and master do to cease your pain?" he asked his voice soft and gentle as the hand that was once on my shoulder. Yet, I continued to sob into my hands. In my grief, I do not remember him pulling my small weightless frame into his lap, I did not feel his arms encircle me, but I do recall the strong musky scent of temple oils before falling asleep.
Later I woke up in a room. The bed was infused with that soothing odor I remembered breathing in before I passed out.
"I see you have awakened. Here," the man gestured to a cup he was holding in his hands, "we must restore some of that liquid your body lost from your tears." I sat up slowly, my eyes jumping from the cup to his pleasant face and back.
"I didn't cry all that much..." The man chuckled.
"You still need to replenish you strength." I shook my head, refusing the cup as he ordered it to me. "Don't be too stubborn now. This is for your own good, Mannah." I jerked my hand up at the sound of my name.
"You know my name?" I asked my voice cautious as a young deer. The man nodded and grabbed one of my hands, forcing me to hold the large cup.
"Yes, do you wish to know mine?" I nodded looking into the cup, seeing a red liquid.
"It is Gauron, I must apologize though. As I am your master you cannot call me by my name...At least not in front of others."
"What is this? It's creepy looking and smells funny!" My master shook his head.
"It will be good for you I promise." Trusting him, I took a sip of the drink and wrinkled my nose at the foul taste.
"Yuck." My master smiled at me again, his green eyes locking with mine.
"Most of the other monks gag and complain you only just grimace. You are a special girl, Mannah. Go ahead and attempt to drink the rest."
"Okay," I replied slightly confused by my master's words. Just as he said, I began to drink the rest of the liquid, its foul taste and pungent smell enflaming my senses, but all the while I was determined to finished the cup. "It's really bad tasting, but I finished, Sir Ron." He stared at me in shock.
"Excuse me for my rudeness but extraordinary you are, my child." His hand briefly brushed against mine as he retrieved the pewter cup from my small hands, the kind smile back on his face. "Sir Ron? It's Gauron... and you aren't supposed to say it."
"I know, but...you look like a lord or king to me..." Embarrassed I turned away from him, feeling my cheeks burn red.
"Y-You must be mistaken my child..." He paused for a while before speaking again. "I am only a humble monk, born with common origins. I've no blood of kings or lords...Maybe this was a young attempt at flattery? No..." I cowered behind the silky sheets of the bed as he stood up from his chair and began pacing the room, mumbling to himself. It wasn't before long that the man excused himself and left me to wonder about, Gauron, my master.
From there it began.
Before dawn the next day, my master woke me and guided me through the large temple until we approached a pair of large wooden doors. Most gracefully he opened the door and ushered me inside, my mouth stood agape in amazement. There were books, upon books! So many bookcases and each one extended to the ceiling full of books.
"I see you like it," said my master as he walked past me and towards a book case on the far side of the room. He approached me again with three large books in his hands; one was placed on the table next to me while the others were shoved into my arms.
"Ah! They are heavy!" My master smiled at me.
"Yes, you are correct, my child. Now hold your arms out straight, with your palms flat, the books lying on them." I did as I was told and after a few seconds my arms began to ache.
"This hurts," I whined looking in my master's direction for help. But instead of relieving me of my pain he sat in the modest wooden chair next to the table and watched me. A queer silence filled the room as he sat calmly observing me and my discomfort. At least the pain in my young arms was too much and the books greeted the floor with a defining slam. Gauron's eyes connected with mine, his expression frightening me because I could not read it. Finally, he opened his mouth to speak.
"Forget the pain. Pick up the books and try again. Do not put them down until I tell you to do so." I bit the inside of my cheek as I listened to his calm, serious tone. Again I held the books in front of me, and after a few minutes my arms ached once again. My teeth dug into my cheek as I whimpered and shifted painfully. Suddenly the door burst open and a woman stepped into the room addressing my master.
After bowing respectfully she began to speak.
"Excuse me, Gauron, Master Rheno has summoned you. He mentions that you are late for your training." Her eyes smiled as my master stood up from his chair.
"Well I guess there is no way to avoid that. Tell him I will be there promptly." The woman nodded and bowed once more before exiting. My master turned to me.
"Follow me and remember what I told you. Do not drop those books." I nodded solemnly, thinking of nothing but when he would allow me to stand without holding these heavy books. Was I being punished for something? I followed Gauron out of the library, through the halls of the monastery and outside. Before stepping out of the temple I noticed that no one was inside of the building and my master could not have lived here alone, but now I set foot upon the grass here they all were. All around me people were sparring, training, using their bodies in ways I could have never imagined. For the second time that day I was in awe.
Meeting with an older man with sprinkles of grey in his hair (I assumed that this was Master Rheno) my master ordered me to stand a significant distant away and watch. This task would have been much easier if I was not distracted by the pain in my arms and again my strength faded, the books tumbling into the grass. Fearing another scolding I quickly, picked up the books and held them straight out. This time I was more determined to not drop them again.
As more pain weighted my arms down, I began to observe the events occurring around me.
At first I watched Gauron train with his master. My young eyes were glued to his muscular frame as he moved with the fluidity and grace of a feline. His fists were quick, kicks invisible...This was first time I noticed that he was bare foot, only wrapped linen cloth covering him from the heel to the balls of his foot. Also, his feet were huge! To get hit by something so big...No wonder why his master was having difficulty blocking and dodging his strikes.
"Haa!"
The clamorous shouts of all the monks on the training grounds began to flow into my ears. The rythmatic melody of their screams and breaths impressed me even more as I turned away from my master to watch the others. Male and female, both spared against one another respect, but there was something strange about all of the women- every one of their faces were covered by a red veil.
For what must have been hours I watched. I wanted to be like those beautifully, athletic women and the kind man I met yesterday, my master. I wanted to cut through the air with my hands and feet, I wanted flip through the air, but most of all...I wanted to become strong. The children in West Harbor always made fun of me for my bony legs and big eyes, and each time they picked with me I ran back to my father tears running down my cheeks. But if I fought like the people here...
"Mannah!" My master ran over to me his eyes bright and full of joy, despite his heavy panting. "Oh, girl...Did you hold them up all this time?" I took a step away from him, eyes cast to the ground.
"N-no, I-I dropped them." I felt the weight of my arms subside greatly as my master relieved me of my burden. Again, tears wield up in my eyes.
"Shh, there is no need for you to shed any tears," he crouched down to my level. "Why so sad?"
"Y-you are going to be mad for me dropping them," I managed to say in between sobs.
"No, no, my child," He dropped the books in the grass, as he placed a hand on the back of my head, guiding me into his comforting embrace. "You did extremely well. My master has even noticed, he proclaimed that we should start training you immediately. Stop your tears." For some reason I began to cry harder, uncontrollably even. My master tried to calm me, but nothing he would do would suffice.
I cannot remember whether it was happiness or sorrow, but I continued my fit as he lifted me off the ground and carried me back to his room. He tried to place me on the bed, but I clung on to his neck, not wanting to let go. So he sat on the edge of his bed with me, a crying child, in his lap.
Maybe it was my imagination, or maybe I can no longer recall the accurate events, but his arms tightened around me as he drew me closer his board sweat covered chest. My senses were soon full of nothing but his smell, the beat of his heart, his touch. I felt his breath blow gently against my ear as he whispered the words I would remember for the rest of my life:
"Your tears break my heart...As long as I live I'll swear my life to your happiness as it is also mine."
I woke up later that evening my eyes swollen from my tears and still in my master's arms.
The next day my training began. I was to learn the principle and customs of my new brothers and sisters, included that I'd give my life to Ilmater. For hours on end I studied the religion and other choice book for my education here. When I turned seven, my master began to guide me through the various steps of becoming one with both my mind and body. As the years passed I spared with my master, never once landing a hand on him, balancing my body in the air with one hand on a wooden pole, lifting burdened bags nearly weighing as much as I, learning the art of mediation, testing my body's limit, and most important of all, learning that pain was an illusion created to imprison us. Ilmatian monks believed that to endure everything, was essential in breaking the illusions that imprisoned us.
I broke that barrier at the ripe age of thirteen.
It happened when I was sparing against one of the older monks, he was one move away from defeating me. He plowed his right foot into my temple, a move made to paralyze or knock me unconscious instantly. His foot connected perfectly but I simply closed my eyes and accepted the blow, having being defeated by this technique a number of times before, but this time nothing happened.
I felt no pain, just power.
I opened my eyes and grabbed the ankle of the monk with one hand, threw it away from me.
"Ilmater..." I ignored the gasps of the crowd of onlookers and began my final assault and if I could focus enough...
"Relax and breathe deeply...Close your eyes, from you will not need to see your target. Use your inner power, your ki, to empower the strike and if you concentrate enough."
My right fist thrust forward impatiently and I heard something fall to the ground. As I slowly opened my eyes, I noticed the monk lying motionless on the ground yards away from his original position, which was directly in front of me. I gasped surprised because my fist never connected with him, I thought I missed!
"Call the Grand Master! His prodigy..." I heard no more as a burned sensation claimed my right hand, this time I did not endure it and I fainted.
"Wake up my little bird..." That kind, gentle voice flowed through my mind as I stirred. Unconsciously I smiled feeling my master's large hands, holding my previously pained hand.
"Gauron?" I felt my smile widen and that weird movement in my heart again. His lips pressed gently against my knuckles, I sighed deeply, opening my eyes to see him. It was only last year I found out that my master was only a decade older than me consequently a few moments after my body signaled that I was becoming a woman. Since then, Gauron's master went to the gods and named my master as his successor; the youngest Grand Master ever at this temple. Unfortunately it did not stop the other women at the temple from wanting to be closer to him. He had a few lovers as I grew up, never showing any affection to them in front of me. I was grateful of that.
"Mannah," My heart twitched again at the sound of his voice speaking my name. This was probably because I was growing and my need to be with a man was strengthening. My master was a handsome man, chiseled jaw colored with the roguish dark hairs of a growing beard, light grass toned eyes which bore into your soul, his unruly black hair and sun-kissed skin, even his body was impressive; the outline of each of his well-trained muscles and his overwhelming height made the women at the temple worship the ground he walked upon. Of course this was a holy place, so all the women mainly gave him looks of smoldering adoration.
"What happened?" I asked sitting up.
"Ilmater branded you himself," he stated, running a finger over the crimson tattoo of bound hands on my right hand.
"What like he did you?!" I noticed the large hand that was caressing mine also had the mark. Gauron nodded and brought my hand to his lips, kissing the mark. Was it wrong that I wretched my hand away from him, frightened? Never before had I seen him like that and before I could gather my thoughts his eyes connected with mine; I was entranced. Slowly he came closer to me, his face so close to mine I could feel his warm breath on my unveiled lips. I shut my eyes and started closing the gap between us.
Harsh, rapid knocking transported me back to reality as I squealed childishly moving away from my master. He shook his head before getting up and answering the door. We never got that close again until two years later, the day I was going to leave to spend my summer and some of the harvest season in West Harbor; I was going back for the first time in nine years.
I had just packed up my small amount of possessions when a monk entered the room I shared with four others to tell me that my master had summoned me to his chambers for one last goodbye. I nodded and picked up my bag heading to his chamber at the other end of the temple. As I was walking I hear some of the female monks whispering.
"He likes women that young?"
"No, I'm not saying that! He adores that student of his...And I think it couldn't work out between us because he was always worrying about his little girl."
"Oh my..."
They ceased their conversation as I stopped to bow respectfully to them. I paid there words no heed; there was nothing but respect between my master and I.
Or so I fooled myself to believe.
I knocked gently, before letting myself in his expansive room. I spotted him sitting in his window, his chest slick and his hair wet, he probably just finished training. I closed the door softly behind me and walked over to him as he gazed out of the window.
"Never had I a day I didn't see you, since you arrived here. Months without your presence will be painful." I nodded in agreement.
"I wouldn't have decided to go if my father never requested it." My master continued to look out at the beautiful forest landscape.
"I know. But you must go see him again, then return to my side..." Something was different about Gauron's voice but I could not place it. I stepped closer to him smiling under my veil.
"Of course, but it won't be for long. But just in case, you should give me a hug for good luck." I noticed a smirk on his face, as he turned and stretched out his arms. Smiling I allowed him to pull me in his strong but awkward embrace, for his head was resting against my stomach. Then I felt it, his lips press against the skin above my bellybutton. As most of the female monks in the temple I only wore a simple linen band to cover my nakedness; the men usually wore no shirt at all.
A shiver went up my spine as his soft lips caressed my flesh; it was blissful, no matter how wrong it was.
"Bare my child," he whispered, lips brushing against my skin with every word. "Bare it, so we both can be happy."
I blushed deeply, as my hands cradled him against my belly. Of course, he meant what he said as good luck; masters said it all the time when their students left the temple. Yet, with his lips against my untouched womb I began to think of its double meaning. He couldn't possibly mean it that way.
"Mannah, be careful." He pulled himself away and stood up to his full height, standing more than a foot over me. Again his wrapped his arms around me but this time his hands were on my waist, finger massaging my skin. Ilmater, I knew this was wrong but he felt so right. I blinked as he removed a hand from my waist and brought it upward to caress my cheek.
"I'll worry all day and night." I shook my head slowly.
"No, you mustn't, master."
"It's Gauron, Mannah. Never call me master again." With that he snatched my veil from off my face and brought his closer to mine. I closed my eyes and accepted our sin. His nose brushed against mine and the contact made our hearts race. I could feel his heart; I could hear his beating with mine. A smile spread across my face as his hands wandered to my lower back. Our breathing was becoming hitched as we drew closer to each other. My body began to move on its own, I was standing on my toes so I could wrap my arms around his neck, my mouth parted for him, my head tilted to the side.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I felt his lips upon mine. His soft full lips upon mine...nothing was better. I believe my heart stopped beating as I returned his kiss. He was always so gentle with me...
I nearly burst out in sobs when he pulled away.
"Gods know I love you Mannah." He rubbed his nose against mine, wiping away my tears with his thumb.
I had to have been dreaming. Gauron could not have told me he loved me...but he did and I...
"I love you, too, Gauron." I moaned as his lips descended on mine before pulling away all too soon.
"When you become of age...will you be my wife?"
My mind went blank, thinking that I was hearing things. I had to be...he could not have proposed to me, so I stayed silent momentarily stunned by my confusion. There was a moment of silence between us, nothing but the thump of our hearts and irregular breathing were heard. He pressed his forehead against mine intensely staring into my eyes.
"Don't answer me until you come back."
"Okay," I answered, untangling my arms from around his neck and picking up my veil from the floor, I stared at it for a moment. This veil was given to me the moment after I became a woman; its purpose was to lessen the effects members of the opposite sex had on one another. Otherwise this temple would be full of orgies, or that's how my master put it. Then I had no idea about what an orgy was. So to make me understand he described a man's lust to me, and I knew these veils were for protection of our innocence.
Gauron stood watching me tie my veil, my hands still trembling from our recent contact. He suddenly pressed me hard against his chest, his mouth on my neck next. The soft bites and kisses made me hold on to him again, but I knew I had to go; if I stayed with him in this room any longer, I would never leave him.
"No...Gauron," I giggled at the feel of his stubble again my cheek, "I must go..."
"Stay in my arms." His voice was hoarse and full of emotion, his arms tightened around me and soon I was glued to his hard body. Something hard twitched against my inner thigh and I immediately frightened.
"Please let me go...I'm scared of this." He chuckled, his fingers caressing my cheek. I looked away from him.
"I know you are, but know that I would be gentle with you, I'd treasure you." Heat immediately rose to color my cheeks. This was going too far, if I didn't watch my words I would be on the floor with him in a matter of seconds. "Accept me, Mannah, even as corrupted as I am."
"No," I felt my arms wrapping around him again. "You are not corrupt. Our feelings..." I stopped myself before I could begin. Why in Ilmater's name was this so hard?
"Gauron please let me go to my father for a while then I will be back..." He placed a light kiss on my forehead before releasing me, he looked so defeated. "I promise I will be back soon! Please don't worry about me, everyone here looks to you for guidance."
"You are right. I will be patient." I smiled seeing his face brighten and again, like a fool, I ran back into his arms. We kissed once more, but my veil blocked us from actual contact; maybe it was for the best. After tearing myself away from him, I bowed respectively before running out of the room and the monastery, tears sliding down my face.
These next months would be challenging as my destiny I would not allow me to fulfill my promise to him.
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"It's calling me again...
It's calling me again...
I just want to know more about myself..." -Maaya Sakamoto's Hemisphere