~ How Doel Stole Christmas ~
A Twisted Parody
~ Disclaimer ~
I don't own Legend of Dragoon, or anything by Dr.Suess.
So I got really bored…and I really like Christmas.
Albert: So of course you insist on tormenting us again
Freefall: Get into the Christmas Spirit Al!
Albert: Only if you go away
Every Dragoon up in Bale liked Christmas a lot…
But Doel who lived just south of Bale did NOT!
Doel hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. He'd smack you without reason.
It could have been that the war wasn't going just right.
It might have been that his pants were too tight.
(So the author's a screwball, she just ain't quite right)
(Pants? Oh Freefall please! People will think your brains made of cheese!)
But the most likely reason of all may have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, his pants or his heart, he stood in his castle, hating the dragoons.
Staring out from his castle with a dark and evil frown
Out at the warm lighted windows dotting their town
For he know every dragoon up in Bale was busy right now
Hanging up mistletoe and eating Christmas Eve Chow
(So I needed something that rhymed with now, gimme a break, at least it wasn't cow)
'There're hanging their stockings" he growled with a sneer
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he glowered, with his fingers darkly drumming
"I MUST stop Christmas from coming!"
Tomorrow he knew…
…all the dragoon girls and boys would wake up bright and early
and rush for their trees! (Meru much faster) And then!
Oh the NOISE! Oh the NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the dragoons, the young and the old, would sit down to a feast.
And they would feast! And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would feast on Sweet Tart pudding, and rare roadkill cow
(Sorry, couldn't help it, you should know me by now)
Which was something that made everyone say "wow"
(So it rhymes! I needed it for my scheme to work!)
Then they would do something he hated above all!
Every dragoon up in Bale, the tall and the small, would stand close together
With Christmas bells ringing
They'd stand hand and hand.
And the dragoons would start singing.
They'd sing. And they'd sing and they'd SING!
SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more Doel thought of this dragoon Christmas,
The more Doel thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"I've put up with it long enough now!"
"I MUST stop this Christmas from coming!"
…But HOW?
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
DOEL GOT A WONDERFUL AWFUL IDEA!
(They say three times is a charm…and nothing rhymes with idea)
"I know JUST what to do!" Doel laughed evilly in his throat.
And he kidnapped poor Santa and stole his hat and coat
He laughed again at the pose he struck.
"I'm soo going to kill Freefall, it won't be quick,
but with this coat and hat, I am Saint Nick!"
"All I need is a reindeer…"
Doel looked around, but since Feyrbrand had gotten hungry, none could be found.
Did that stop ol'Doel…? Not a chance.
So he called in his henchmen and made one instead.
Poor Greham was dragged in with a horn tied to his head.
(Jades, Jades, JADES! So he can do it and I can't?)
THEN he loaded some bags and old empty sacks into a sparkling new sleigh
and hitched up poor Greham, who was dreading the this day
Doel then said "MUSH!" and the sleigh started away towards the homes where the
Dragoons lay asleep in their beds.
All their windows were dark and quiet snow filled the air
All the dragoons were all dreaming sweet dreams about how they kicked Melbu's @$$
(PG fic! Not cussing allowed! It's Christmas for crying out loud!)
When he came to the first little house, belonging to a girl with silver hair
'This is stop number one," Doel Clause ginned darkly and climbed to the roof
The chimney of course, was a tight fit
He got stuck only once, for a moment before he fell down the chimney like a bat outta hell
The stockings that had been hung with precision and care
Were all used to remove dust from his hair
(And his pants! Ouch hot! Oh who cares!)
When grooming was finished the sinister fiend smiled unpleasantly
And he took EVERY present for poor Meru!
Sweet Tarts! Hammers! Dancing shoes! Ribbons and bows! Mountain Dew and more!
And he stuffed them in bags; up the chimney they went, one by one by one
Then he slunk to the icebox. He stole the dragoons feast!
He took the Sweet Tarts pudding! And the rare roadkill cow!
He cleaned out the icebox, quick as a flash. Why, he even pilfered the last can of Haschel's prune hash!
The food followed the rest as it was stuffed up the chimney with glee
"And NOW!" grinned Doel, "I will steal their tree!"
And Doel seized the tree and started to shove
When he heard a soft sound, gentle as a angel's hug
He whirled around fast and saw a ex-dragoon
Little Shana the Moon Child, that's who
Doel had been caught, thought himself dead, but still ready to smack this twit upside the head
She stared at Doel and said, "Where are you taking our tree?"
But ol'Doel was so smart and so slick, he thought up a lie, but called it a fib
"It's broke." He informed her. "I'm taking it home to fix it, then I'll bring it back."
This little fib fooled the girl. He patted her head
He got her a drink and sent her to bed
(Though I guessing he still wanted to smack her upside the head)
Then he finished the tree and the last thing he took was the log for their fire!
Then he himself went up the chimney, the meany liar
Their walls he had left bare, except for some hooks and some wire.
Then he did the same to the other dragoons houses, except for the one who was up playing with fire
(BAD Dart! BAD! BAD! BAD! Cheese and rice, I sound just like my dad!)
It was a quarter past dawn…
All the dragoons still asleep, all them dragoons still a-snooze
When he packed up his sleigh, packed it with their presents! The ribbons! The swords!
The armor! The bows! The books! The candy! The Dew!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Author Magic Mt.
He hauled his load to the tiptop to dump it!
"Whoohoo! Down with the dragoons!" he Doel-ish-ly was humming
"Now they'll find out that no Christmas is coming!"
"They're just waking up Greham! You know what they'll do!
All the dragoons down in Bale will all cry! Whoo-hoo!"
(Sound's like Selphie on steroids, he do!)
"Now THAT'S a noise I have to hear," the evil emperor grinned
So he paused and Greham put a hand to his ear
And he did hear a sound, rising over the snow
It started out low, but then began to grow…
But the sound wasn't sad! Inconceivable! It sounded merry!
He started down at Bale with glaring dark eyes
Then he shook! What he saw was a surprise!
Every dragoons down in Bale, the tall and the small, was singing, without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow it was Greham's fault, but it came just the same!
And Doel stood there puzzling and puzzling: It came without anything, nothing at all.
While Greham fidgeted, sure he was dead, Doel suddenly took the horn from his head.
"You idiot! It came with nothing at all! Perhaps this means Christmas doesn't come from a store, maybe Christmas means a little bit more…"
(And now the crazed author takes a little artistic license…)
And at that very minute, who should appear, but Freefall and Albert, gosh what a dear…
"Our time's running short," said the author with a grin. "So cut with the monologue and let's get to the end!"
"She's a total nut, really a loon," intoned the King. "But we really want to eat before the clock hits High Noon."
So Greham and Doel returned all their loot, even the prune hash to Haschel the coot..
Way down in Bale, dragoons and the rest, all say Merry Christmas and wish you the best!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!