Femina Ergo Sum
Chapter 1: Okay, very funny. Now where's the real ladder?
Characters: Kyoshin Poseidon's poor abused over-worked manager Shibuya Maki and the rest of the "idiotic football team".
Discaimer: I don't own Eyeshield 21. The genius duo Riichiro Inagaki and Yusuke Murata do.
Shibuya Maki immediately regretted agreeing to be Kyoshin Poseidon's manager as soon as Kobanzame started talking. He never really did think before talking so he basically ended up agreeing to whatever anybody said. Which was quite fun at first but quickly became as annoying as hell. She swore the idiot had a serious problem with self-confidence and nearly sent him to a psychiatrist.
"Um... Before I actually give my opinion, which one do you think we should buy-not that I don't know which one, it's just that we should make this a democratic decision and..."
"The green one," Shibuya answered before Kobanzame could even get started.
"Exactly the one I was going to choose myself! I couldn't have said it better and... Wait! Where are you going?"
If you ignored Kobanzame's non-stop rambling, which she usually did by strategically disappearing of to the bathroom, the team was actually somewhat nice.
However, there was another problem that Shibuya noticed: the club's room looked like a miniature reconstitution of Iraq. Dust everywhere... She now knew why they looked so desperate when searching for a manager- even asking her whose habit of only going to school every other day was known throughout the entire school.
As soon as she stepped into the room for the first time, she knew the room had reached a critical point and she decided to start cleaning, not without a few conditions.
"I agreed to becoming your manager, thus agreeing to cleaning the club room but picking up used socks wasn't in the contract!"
"What contract?"
"Exactly! I refuse to take care of socks that look like they have born a few thousand generations of mushrooms!"
The team tried its best to help her but after three fights and having to change into her gym clothes because an idiot decided it would be fun smoking inside-right under the sprinklers too!- thus nearly transforming the room into a swimming pool, she decided to do it alone.
"You people are cleaning retarded! Stay out!"
Three cleaning days later, the room was finally fit for human existence-though, just for revenge, she accidentally misplaced a dead rat in the smoker's locker. (She had to refrain herself from leaving a note "Do not mess with the manager, bitch!" because that would just totally blow her cover.)
A few months later, a transfer student from the USA joined the club and she knew the team would finally take their activities seriously. The new member, whose name (Kakei Shun) she learned when he got sick of her calling him "Hey you!", "USA dude" or, her personal favorite, "Pretty boy", seemed to be a football-only idiot. At least, she consoled herself, she wouldn't have to get the ladder each time she tried to attack the spiders-who she swore were trying to take over the club room. Maybe they actually liked football.
"Why do I have to hunt down spider webs?"
"Because I can't reach."
"You're the manager!"
"You're taller! And anyway, I don't see what you're complaining about. Pink aprons actually do suit you!"
She knew she was right in calling him a football-only idiot when he suddenly decided the team needed tall players and somehow bullied Kobanzame into agreeing. Okay, so it wasn't as difficult as she made it sound.
There was no way he was going to find another tall idiot as motivated as he was, so finding several was...
"A waste of time. Seriously. Do you actually think you'll find people? At this time of year? It's already June!"
Shibuya never felt any remorse in telling him that every time she saw him and he started talking about recruiting new members.
But karma just had to prove her wrong and she swore she saw Kakei smirk at her when Mizumachi joined the team.
Mizumachi was also an idiot, but on a different level. The first thing he requested was that the team had cheerleaders. And he just had to put the auditioning on a day when she wasn't planning on going to school. And Kakei requested ("More like threatened," she would say to anybody who was unlucky enough to be there when she started ranting.) she were present.
'Great. Just great,' an annoyed and tired Shibuya thought, while Hulk's sister explained why she wanted to "join this team of selfish, idiotic and probably masochistic and sadistic retards", as Shibuya had put it, not even bothering to hide her yawns anymore.
While the last candidate, a girl named Otohime, finished telling the team about how she wanted to lose weight or whatever, Shibuya was already plotting her revenge-which involved voodoo dolls, pink frilly aprons and socks full of holes. She was rudely interrupted by Kakei clearing his throat, signaling her to recap what the candidates-who left sometime during her plotting- said.
When all the idiots finally stopped making mess, Shibuya sighed and kicked them out, getting ready to clean u after them. Silently cursing Mizumachi and Kakei and hoping they would get hit on the head by a stray football, she decided to canalize all her energy into something positive-such as picking up sheets of paper scattered all over the floor and shredding them into particles, imagining they were the two idiots. While she was hunting down the broom, she heard somebody opening the door and turned, broom in hands and prepared to attack, if not kill, to see Kakei and Mizumachi entering. She was about to tell therm to go to hell when Mizumachi took the broom from her hands, grinning and apparently begging her to punch his teeth out.
"Mizumachi! You retard! Give it back!"she protested, trying to grab the broom back but she knew it was pointless, Mizumachi being a giant and all that.
"No way, Maki-chan!"he laughed, raising the broom even higher above his head and most definitely begging her to punch him.
"Stop fooling around, you ass!"she yelled, deciding that even though it was useless trying to catch the broom, she could still hit. Hard.
"Ow! Don't hit me! It was all Kakei's idea! Hit Kakei!" Mizumachi whined while rubbing where she hit him."I think you might have broken something..."
"Huh?"she asked, ignoring Mizumachi and feeling very unintelligent because of her answer. She turned to where Kakei was and she saw him wiping the table.
"We made you come today,"he explained calmly,"This is the least we can do."
"So go home already!"
"I am not letting two idiotic, cleaning-retarded males try to clean this room unsupervised," she replied stubbornly.
Two days later, the team got together to decided who would be on the cheerleader squad. Mizumachi – being the idiot who started the whole mess – got the final say in the matter. Shibuya nearly tore her hair off when Ohira and Onishi, or the "Hiroshi brothers" as she had dubbed them, proposed to be Kakei's personal cheerleaders. In the end, everyone but Hulk's sister was chosen but Shibuya, guessing that was blatant male discrimination, decided to secretly let he join.
AN: Finally! The first chapter is finished! It was tiring and it took me nearly 6 months to write it but I actually had fun writing it and I hope you'll like it. I know, I know, it's quite short. I need to work on length. Sadly, I only get ideas when in class so some ideas diseappeared. I also apologize fot the poor English. I don't speak English often these days so I feel it's getting rusty... I also apologize for the title, I have the horrible feelign I'm making a mistake but since I haven't studied Latin in years, I wouldn't know. If someone could tell me where the mistake is, it would be grately appreciated.
Well, that's all for now! Hopefully, I'll have an idea for chapter two soon.