Title : No Regrets
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own the show or any of the characters!
Summary: Both Sydney and Vaughn have choices to make.
A/N: Set after "Counteragent." S/V fluffiness! Please feel free to tell me what you think of this!
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Sydney's POV
I understand. I am still upset at how unfair it all seems and I'm jealous, but I understand. Vaughn has moved on with his life even before I could realise how much he really means to me. The lyrics of a song pop in to my mind, "you don't know what you've got til its gone." I wish I had said something earlier. I wish he had told me about Alice before I met her.
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Vaughn's POV
I put my key in the lock of my apartment door and I turn the key. I can hear Donovan's paws on the tiled floor and then scratching at the wooden door. I open the door and dump my briefcase and suit jacket on a nearby chair after gently pushing Donovan out of the way. I can smell the aroma of food cooking.
"Michael, is that you? I'm in the kitchen." A once familiar voice calls out. I'm just not used to hearing it in my apartment anymore.
"Alice. Hi." I say after I reach the kitchen.
"I made some food for you. I hope you don't mind me being here. I still had my copy of the key." Alice explained.
"It's okay." I reply. I sit down at the table and Alice pulls out a casserole dish from the oven.
"How was your first day back? It wasn't too stressful I hope. You're back late."
"I just had a report to finish up." I find myself lying to her already. In truth I had sat at my desk, staring into space for hours until someone asked me why I hadn't gone home yet.
"I made your favourite. Is it still your favourite?" Alice then puts the dish on the table in front of me.
"I'm really sorry. I'm not hungry at the moment." I can't believe how ungrateful I sound. She came here to look after me and I can't even make the effort to eat the food she made for me.
"Oh, It's okay. You can heat it up tomorrow." She responds clearly disappointed.
"Thank you." I say flatly.
"How about some coffee instead?" She suggests. "Go sit on the couch, I'll make it." I nod my head dutifully and stand up to walk towards the couch. Why is it suddenly so difficult to go back to the something that was so comfortable and familiar just a year or so ago? I find myself asking if this what I really want.
Alice follows me from the kitchen a few minutes later with two mugs of coffee. She sits next to me after handing me a cup. I feel so guilty that I can barely look her in the eyes. It isn't Alice's fault. She's just trying to be a friend and helping me get well. But I know she wants more. I've led her to believe I would eventually want more too.
"Michael, when I saw you being rushed into the operating theatreit made me realise all the differences we had when we broke up were petty. I just wanted you to get better." I could hear the sincerity and emotion in her voice.
"We do have a lot to work past." I say lamely. I can't think of what else to say.
"I could stay if you want." I do my best to hide the surprise on my face. She seems confident that I would say yes.
"I'm tired" Another lie is out of my mouth before I can stop it. Once again I manage to disappoint Alice. "but, I could set up the bed in the guest room." I offer.
"If you're sure?"
"Yes, of course." I try to sound bright and sincere at the same time.
"Good." I see a smile forming on Alice's face so I must have convinced her at least.
"Can we just sit here for a while?" I want time to stand still for a while, just long enough for me to have a break from dealing with my conflicting feelings.
"Okay. Do you want to talk about something?" She asks.
"Sure, tell me about your day." Maybe if I can just spend time with Alice and remember how it once was, how it could be once again, everything will be all right.
~~~
Sydney's POV
The hours go by and I have already spent enough time stewing in my own self-pity. If I have a problem I usually try and fix it. So I begin to think that maybe talking to Vaughn will help clear the air. I won't try to talk him out of being with Alice. But I do need to see him. To see if I can be the friend he has been to me all this time. I owe him that much at least.
I pick up my phone and dial the number for his cell phone. I wait and wait and almost hang up when I hear his voice.
"Hi." Vaughn sounds preoccupied.
"Hi, Vaughn. I know it's late, but I was wondering if we could meet upto talk?" I say quickly.
"I" The words stumble out of his mouth. I can hear another voice. I can't make out the words said, but it's definitely a female voice. Alice.
"I'm so sorry Vaughn. I didn't think" My voice trails off. I shouldn't be so surprised, but I'm in shock once again. Of course Alice is there with him. How stupid can I be?
"No, no, it's okay. How about tomorrow?"
"Sure. That'll be fine. It's not an emergency or anything." I try to sound indifferent.
"I can explain" Vaughn says. What is there to explain that I don't already know?
"tomorrow will be fine." With that I switch my phone off. I make a decision in that instant. Vaughn is with Alice and I won't do anything to change that.
~~~
Vaughn's POV
I switch my phone off and stare at it for a few seconds. I close my eyes and swear under my breath. It feels as if I have been caught cheating. Not cheating on Alice though I realise.
"Who was it?" Alice asks as she takes the cell-phone from me and places it back in my briefcase.
"WorkEric." This time I feel I can justify the lie.
"Doesn't he have a life?!" Alice says as she sits back down next to me. I ignore the comment and try to think of something to change the subject instead.
"Thanks for getting my phone for me."
"You should take it easy. It might be a while before you play hockey again!" She jokes.
"I should get some sleep." I have too many thoughts in my head to pretend to have a real conversation.
"Don't worry, I'll get the bed sheets. I'll see you in the morning." Alice leans across and gives me a kiss on the cheek. I know it was just an impulsive kiss. There is no hidden meaning in it, just Alice being friendly and affectionate. But the 'normal-life' I want is not the easy way out I thought it would be.
~~~
Sydney's POV
The ink-black sky outside is gradually fading, as daylight overpowers it. I could only manage a couple of hours of sleep, but I'm not tired. I feel a renewed sense of purpose as I get ready for a new day. I look at myself in the mirror as I carefully tie my hair up and put on my lipstick. I feel more positive than I did last night, but I wonder for a moment if I am just resigned to the situation. I quickly leave a note for Francie, explaining my absence so early in the morning and I get into my car to drive to SD-6. However I find myself heading for the Operations Centre instead. I feel butterflies fluttering in my stomach as I anticipate what will happen next.
~~~
Vaughn's POV
The sun is rising and I'm awake. I hardly slept, I was too busy with thoughts buzzing in my head for most of the night. So I finally surrendered and got dressed into my work clothes and I am now on my third cup of coffee. I now know what I must do and my mind feels lighter as a result. Relief washes over me as I sit in contemplative silence which is only broken when Alice walks into the kitchen a few minutes later. She is surprised to see me ready to go to work so soon.
"How long have you been awake?" She asks sleepily. She yawns and walks over to get herself a cup of coffee.
"Not long." My eyes follow her as she walks around my kitchen. It's as if we are back in the old routine, as if we never broke up. "Why are you awake?" I ask.
"It's always strange sleeping in different surroundings." She answers. Alice then sits next to me and looks directly at me.
"Are you not feeling well? Is something wrong?" She asks. I can see her face is full of concern. I take a deep breath before I speak.
"I'm so sorry Alice."
"What for?"
"I'm not the same person I was last year. I've changeda lot since then."
"You're still the same person with all the same qualities I fell in love with." She replies brightly.
"No. So much has happened to me. I can'tI can't tell you what exactly." I stare at my coffee, trying to process my thoughts into coherent words.
"Is it to do with your job? You became so secretive about it."
"Yes and no." I finally answer.
"Michael, just say it." She replies, exasperated at my weak attempt to tell her what is really on my mind.
"I'm sorry if I misled you, but I can't be with you. I tried my best." I look at Alice and realise that my last comment may not be true. Maybe Alice never had a real chance.
"Is theresomeone else?" She asks. Alice sees my startled reaction and in that instant she knows she's guessed correctly.
"Nothing's happened. Nothing can happen. But yes." I sigh with relief. Finally I am able to admit the truth out loud.
"Oh." Alice stands up and walks to the sink to wash her coffee cup. I know that I can't say anything to console her.
"I'm sorry. I have to go to work now. I'm sorry Alice." Without looking at her, I stand up and I grab my car keys and briefcase before I walk out of the apartment.
~~~
Sydney's POV
I sit and wait patiently at Vaughn's desk. All the words I had carefully planned out in my mind during the drive here have now vanished. All I feel now is nervousness and anxiety. I have no idea what I will say and do. My heart sinks once again when I remember the phone call last night. Vaughn's words still echo in my ears.
"Sydney?" I feel a hand on my shoulder and I look up to see that Vaughn is surprised to see me sitting here.
"Hey." Despite all the emotions whirling around inside me I am glad to see him. I smile broadly and I see him smiling back at me. Vaughn grabs a chair from a nearby desk and sits opposite me. I can feel his eyes looking intently at me for a few seconds.
"What are you doing here?" He glances at his watch. "Do you know what time it is?"
"I couldn't sleep. What about you, why are you here so early?" I ask.
"The same. I couldn't sleep." He answers.
"Listen Vaughn, I was thinking about some things and I just want to say that."
"Please Syd" Vaughn says as he interrupts me. "can I say something first?"
"Sure." I notice that he looks just as nervous as I feel.
"I have to explain about last night. I didn't know that Alice would be there."
"It's okay"
"No it isn't. II didn't want to hurt anyone, but I realised I wasn't being honest with anyone, especially myself."
"Oh." Is all I can manage to say.
"So I told Alice that we didn't have a future together."
"Really?" I can't quite believe what I'm hearing.
"Yes." Vaughn then looks around him, suddenly remembering where we are. He looks down at his hands for a moment before he looks directly at me. I can see the questioning look on his face.
"I feel the same way." I whisper. I slowly move forward and reach for his hand. I look down to see Vaughn's fingers intertwine with mine. I can hear people slowly filtering in to start their workday, but I don't want to move away.
"Good!" Vaughn quickly smiles before he looks around once again and I reluctantly let go of his hand.
"I should go." I say sadly.
"Yeah." Vaughn nods his head. We both stand up trying to stretch the moment out as long as possible.
"We can work it out." I'm aware of all that we have both gone through to get to this moment and I know how much more complicated our lives will be now. But I'm more than willing to equal the sacrifice Vaughn has already had to make.
"We can work it out." He repeats and I totally believe him. It's not a statement of doubt and uncertainty, but instead it's full of conviction and determination.
I walk away from Vaughn's desk glad that I can finally be so hopeful about the future. I sneak a glance back towards Vaughn before I turn the corner. I notice he is still sitting at his desk staring at his hands, looking thoughtful. I wait a moment and I see a warm smile gradually forming on his face. He looks up in my direction, the smile turn into a big grin once I catch his eye. There are lots of people walking around us now, but for a blissful instant we are the only two people here, sharing a moment that only we understand.
~~~
The End!