Title: The Alias Dating Game

Author: Glaurificus, featuring Linoge

Rating:  PG-13

Summary: Irina needs to get some, so…

Disclaimer: Just borrowing 'em, JJ…

Author's Note: Thanks to Linoge for inspiring this crazy late night venture! ^_^

THE ALIAS DATING GAME!

Announcer: It's time to play The Dating Game! And here's our host, Jonas Sark!

Sark: My name is just Sark, like Bono, or Madonna - wait no, just like Bono.

Announcer: Whatever! Let's meet our lucky bachelorette!

Sark: Hey! That's my job! Now, let's meet our lucky bachelorette! Formerly known as "The Man", give it up for Irina Derevko!

Irina waves.

Announcer: Give us a smile, Irina!

Irina [scowling]: I am smiling.

Announcer: There is no God! Ahhhhhh!!

Sark: Wuss - you could not hope to stand against the true power of Irina Derevko!

Irina [still glowering]:  Oh stop kissing up. You only say that because you work for me.

Sark:  Correction. You work for me now.

Irina: Damn.

Sark: Anyway, let's meet our lucky contestants! Bachelor Number One enjoys forced dental work. Got a cavity, Will Tippin?

Will: Ahhhh!

Sark: Meet Suit and Glasses!

Suit and Glasses: [creepily] Hel-lo....

Everybody except for Irina: Ahh!

Irina [seductively]: Hey...

Sark: Bachelor Number Two enjoys long walks on the beach and cuddling by the fire with that "special someone"! Give it up for Assistant Director Martin Kendall!

Irina: Eww....

Kendall: What was that?

Irina: Uh....ewww!

Sark: Bachelor Number Three just recently killed his wife -

Sloane: Hey! How does everybody know that - I mean she died of cancer...[shakes fist at sky] the cancer that is ARVIN SLOANE!!!

Everybody stares blankly at Sloane.

Sloane: Uh...can I walk out  and try that again?

Sark: Sure.

Sloane walks out and comes back in.

Sark: Our last bachelor needs no introduction. Meet Arvin Sloane!

Audience boos.

Sark: Anyway, on with the show!

Irina: Bachelor Number One, can you get a hard-on, unlike my last husband?

Jack sputters with rage and indignity.

Suit and Glasses: After all the morphine I've done...no.

Irina: You've been on morphine?

Suit and Glasses: Why do you think I talk like this?

Irina: Good point. Bachelor Number Two, can you perform in bed, unlike a certain Jack B.

Jack pops a vein in his forehead and Sydney has to hold him down to his seat.

Sydney: No, dad, be the bigger man.

Irina: -

Jack: DON'T EVEN THINK IT WOMAN!

Irina sticks her tongue out.

Kendall: Actually, I have quite the superiority complex to cover my inabilities as a man, so...[hangs head] no.

Irina: You'll probably still be better than Jack.

A muffled scream of rage is heard from the audience.

Sark: And we're moving on.

Irina: Bachelor Number Three - how would you go about taking over the world?

Sloane: Good question. First, I'd - hey wait a minute! You're trying to steal my schemes!

Irina [snaps fingers]: Damn! You're smarter than Jack, but not like that's a real accomplishment.

Jack: Arrrrrrggghgh!

Irina: Heh heh heh! So, bachelors Number One and Two: So, since you both seem to be on a par with Jack in the hard-on department,

Jack: WOMAN!!!!!

Irina: That's "The Man" to you! Anyway, how would you Viagra jockies please a woman?

Suit and Glasses: First, I'd take out the clean pair of pliers -

Irina: O.K I'm the incarnation of sociopathic evil and that disturbs me. Bachelor Number Two, talk to me.

Kendall: First, I'd get her in the mood by dismissing a really good plan, and then seal the deal by pontificating about how good I am and rubbing my bald head at the same time.

Irina: Uhh...you make Jack look good, and that's hard to do, just like me I suppose!

Jack [being restrained by Sydney Vaughn]: Maybe I could have gotten it up if it wasn't so cold between your legs!

Irina: THAT'S IT!!!

Irina makes a charge for Jack but is restrained by Steve the Jerry Springer guard.

Sark: It's O.K Irina, we'll just send Suit and Glasses after him later.

Suit and Glasses: After I'm done with Will Tippen. [turns to Will] I see you. Hel-lo!

Will: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Will jumps out the window and lands on a pile of empty margarita bottles and ice cream cartons.

Will [weakly]: That hurts almost as much as being rejected by Sydney every day...

Sydney: I told you, I like you but I like Vaughn more…as in I'll actually sleep with Vaughn.

Vaughn: You'd sleep with me?

Sydney: Just you. Not Alice.

Vaughn: Wow! It's like you read my mind!

Sydney: It's like we're....

Vaughn:.... soul mates.

Sydney/Vaughn: sigh…

Fluttery romantic music plays in the background.

Vaughn: Let's not waste any more time with these fools!

They run into the janitor's closet.

Sydney [muffled]: Oh Vaughn...

Irina: Have fun kiddies. More fun than you're father and I -

Jack: STOP! TALKING!

Sark: So, Irina, we're out of time! Who's going to be your lucky date?

Irina: Well, bachelor Number One sure sounds like he could torture a girl for a good time, but I left my torture days behind when I left JACK!

JACK: SHUT UP!!!!!!

Irina: And bachelor Number Two is a limp-dick megalomaniac who's way to fond of his bald head…

Kendall: Hey, she's got me pegged!

Irina [throwing a weird look at Kendall]: So I guess it'll be Number Three - Arvin Sloane!

Balloons fall from the ceiling and a romantic fanfare plays.

Sark: That's great! You two crazy lovebirds will be spending a long weekend in Taipei, at the magnificent Circumference Inn, located at the scenic corner of Ho Ping and Ruyan, in the Pang Pharmaceutics district!

They look lovingly into each other's eyes.

Irina: I've waited almost 30 years for this moment.

They start making out like horny teenagers on stage.

Sark [disgusted]: Thank God that's all the time we have for this episode of THE ALIAS DATING GAME!!! [continues to look] It's like a train wreck: you just can't help but… join in!

Sark inserts himself into the frenzied blur of hands and does some grabbing.

Sloane: Watch it junior!

Sark [muffled]: Good night everybody!!

- Fin -