A/N: There's no pwnage going on here. I don't own tVD. I added the date at the end because I think it's the day S4 starts and I thought it would be fun. :)

Dear Diary,

I wish I knew what to write. Part of me wants to lie. I want to make up some glamorous story and pass it off as reality.

It would go like this:

Dear Diary,

Today, Matt—yes, Matt! That certain blue-eyed dreamboat quarterback who's previously tried to play hard-to-get—asked me out on a date! Can you even believe it? It was only to a movie, though. I was expecting more for when he finally broke. Like a play or a ballet or something, you know?

I said maybe. Hey, I can play hard to get, too! I could tell Caroline was getting a little jealous. Honestly, it's not my fault Matt likes me and not her. She can be a little pushy. And needy. And blonde. You should have seen the heart attack she almost had when she spilled ketchup on that new white blouse she wore today. In front of Tyler, too! The guy she's currently trying to hook. The girl can't survive for too long without surrounding herself with testosterone.

Bonnie was talking about this weekend. I guess her house is going to be empty, so she was thinking a sleepover might be fun. I was thinking more, party! But hey, that's Bonnie for you. For someone black, she's so vanilla. But I'm glad she's there for me. Sometimes I'm pretty sure she's the only reason I haven't been arrested yet!

The low point of my day was when Jeremy—the doofus—showed up at my lunch table (okay, Rule #1, chess club freaks do not go to their much cooler older sister's lunch table, for any reason) to tell me to be home for dinner. I saw how Caroline smirked behind her napkin (yeah, too bad you didn't have that napkin five minutes ago, Care). Bonnie smiled at him and he practically drooled on her!

But on the other hand? My high point totally made up for it. We were headed towards History when I first saw him. The unbelievable hottie that was our substitute teacher. Alaric Saltzman. I was drooling over him all class period. When he called on me, I panicked! I wouldn't have been able to coherently relay the information even if I'd done the assignment! He said, "You should really do the reading, Elena." He already knew my name? Swoon. And then, "I know you're more than just a pretty face." Wink. I just about died. That was total flirt mode!

The best part may have been that everyone was there to see it! Caroline was positively seething with jealousy. Tighty-pants Bonnie was shocked at his behavior. Matt, oh Matt. He looked ready to hit someone. It's nice when you can tell a guy is jealous over you. Hopefully, the threat of other interests will help him appreciate me fully. I was walking on air for the rest of the day.

Of course, it's not like my parents really respected the buzz. I was like, 10 minutes late to dinner and they flipped. Please, like their casserole is the most sacrosanct thing in the world? Get over it! They sent me to my room to "think about my actions." I'm 18, the only thing I'm thinking about is why Caroline feels the need to post 17 pictures of herself in a bikini on Facebook. That right there, real class. Still, it'd be hard to ever replace Care. Best facial partner. And, oddly, best bosom boozy buddy.

Anyway, the folks flipped when I said I hadn't planned on actually consuming food, anyway. I thought it was funny, but they took it seriously. Mom's face got white, she was so pissed! I'm probably in for an eating disorder talk later. On the plus side, she'll probably bring me food, then. Not much is better than being served your meals. Even if you do have to endure listening to the perils of Bulimia and Anorexia. Yuck! Like I'd puke on purpose, or ever give up Mystic Falls Famous Frozen Yogurt. It isn't really famous, but I've never tasted any better.

But it isn't like that. I'd give anything to be harassed by my parents. I'd give anything for my brother to be doing well in school. To think Bonnie was boring and Caroline was shallow. To think Matt and nonexistent flirting were my biggest romantic issues.

But instead, my journal entry would read like this:

Dear Diary,

I am dead. It doesn't matter which path I take now, I will be dead. I've impacted the lives of everyone I love, and not positively. Dropout addict. Lonely witch. Eternally insecure vampire. And death. Always death.

So here's my problem—I know, funny, I clearly have more than one—should I really continue like this? Is it fair to all the people with ruined lives because of me? Should I?

The entry would end like that. Because I can't answer any of those questions. I think I won't be able to for a long time.

There. That's the answer. A long time. It's something I don't have. I need to make a decision. So, I'll make the one that gives me more time. I'd go so far as to say I'll have time in abundance soon enough.

After all, there will always be ways. If I decide that no is the answer to all my questions, well then, it's not like I won't have options. It's not like there won't be death. I'll always have Death next to me. We've become so close now.

Elena

10-11-12