"You know, Shizu-chan, you'd look good in a bartender suit."
"… Are you fucking serious?"
"Yeah, serious."
His laugh captivated his attention.
"You would look great."
Heiwajima Shizuo stood in front of the bar. He wasn't a bartender anymore, but he still kept the suit Kasuka given him. His younger brother pitied him for not being able to get a decent job, and recommended him as a bartender a few years ago, presenting the beast a fit uniform along with it. Shizuo got kicked out a few weeks ago, but that no longer mattered.
"Since Shizu-chan has no sense of fashion whatsoever…"
Throwing the cigarette into the sand pile, Shizuo pushed it down until the flames vanished. He pulled on his bowtie, undoing the buttons of his vest. He was starting to remember. The way the nostalgic brown-eyed male pointed out his idiocy every living second, and how he criticized his empty closet and bought five bags of clothing just for him.
"Here you go."
"I'm not a shitty sissy, Flea. I don't need all these clothes."
"Oh, shut up. Better than nothing on your lean naked body."
"Hey, Shizuo."
"Oh, Shinra." The blonde waved. "What's the matter?"
"No, nothing really. Just thought I'd say hi since I saw you walking by. How's your new job going?" The (unlicensed) doctor asked curiously, fixing the hems of his coat.
Shizuo shrugged. "Fine."
Kishitani Shinra was an old friend. Shizuo got along pretty well with him. "Why are you still keeping that bartender suit?"
"Because Kasuka gave it to me."
A hearty laugh followed. "Such a bro-con, aren't you? I wouldn't expect less." Then he glanced cautiously at his watch. "Shoot, sorry – I have to go. I have a patient that requested for me this afternoon. If you see Tom-san, tell him I said hi. I didn't have the chance to talk to him last time."
"Sure." Nodding in approval, Shizuo just stared at the Kishitani jogging towards his destination. Why do I keep my bartender suit? I wonder. The beast smirked, kicking a coke bottle out of his path. Maybe because I want to satisfy the eyes of someone who isn't even alive anymore.
Cold, soothing air hit his face as he stepped inside Russian Sushi. "Simon?"
"Oh, Shizu-o!" The gigantic man greeted him with his usual odd accent. "Do you want the course of the day? Or some fine Russian sushi, perhaps? Sushi is good, Shizu-o!"
"Thanks, Simon. But nah, today I was thinking if I could get some takeaway sushi. Do you still have Otoro left?" Simon tilted his head at the inquiry. Dennis, the owner and chef, called out to the former bartender instead.
"We do have Otoro left. I'll give you eight pieces, is that alright?"
"Yeah, perfect." Shizuo said, as he took a seat on the comfy chairs.
Simon looked at the blonde with a confused expression. "Shizu-o never orders such expensive dishes. Sushi is delicious – Otoro is very delicious! But Shizu-o never orders them."
"It's not for me, you see." The so-called Shizu-o replied with a chuckle. "Oh, Dennis, can I have some sake too? Thanks." Then he resumed to continue his explanation to Simon. "It's for a… special person."
The Russian grinned proudly, for some unknown reason. "So Shizuo has a special person?" His accent was removed on his name due to his excitement. Seeing the male filled with anticipation made Shizuo not want to destroy it, but he didn't really want to deceive the latter, either.
"Nah. They're long dead."
Simon's smile vanished, as Dennis paused on making the sushi for a second until he continued. "I'm very sorry about that."
"No need. I got over it a few years prior. They died during my senior year of high school." Shaking his glass of green tea, the ice clanking against one another, Shizuo just gazed at it as if he were dreaming. Simon's eyes shook a little upon witnessing this reaction, but didn't say another word in response.
A few long minutes later, Dennis handed a plastic bag to Shizuo. "Here's your sushi and sake. I hope… your special person enjoys it. I put my all into making that. The sake is high quality, too. Make sure you don't break it while pouring it into the glass."
"They'll enjoy it, that's for sure. Otoro sushi was their…" Shizuo caressed his tie a little. "It was their favorite." Dennis nodded in an understanding manner, as the blonde departed the restaurant.
"… I'm sorry Shizu-chan. Let's break up."
His voice cracked. He was in pain. Why couldn't Shizuo do anything?
"Why?"
Izaya took a heck of a long time to answer.
"I don't think I can love you the way I used to."
"Is it something that I did? If so, I'll fix it."
However, the smaller male shook his head.
"I'm sorry, Shizuo."
The plastic trembled in his grasp. I should've noticed faster. I should've talked to him more. I should've… I should've… Inhaling a deep breath, Shizuo took a painful step forward.
Regret.
Sorrow.
Bitterness.
Izaya… Orihara Izaya.
"He was suffering depression."
Shizuo believed he couldn't feel any more shocked than he already was.
"He what?"
"Suffering depression. I think he never told you because… well, then you'd go to prison, Shizuo, guilty of murder. But Izaya came to me one night. He told me, crying – he was breaking down, Shizuo. I never have seen Izaya behave like that, ever. He grabbed my shoulders, and… and I noticed he was half naked. He had bruises all over his skin, and… He told me he was raped."
His world came crashing down at once. Rape. Izaya. Suicide. Depression.
"Shinra, I –"
"There's nothing you can do anymore, Shizuo."
As his best friend placed a comforting hand (even that hand felt cold and unemotional to Shizuo) and whispered his final words that broke Heiwajima Shizuo as whole.
"Orihara Izaya is dead, Shizuo."
He never desired to accept the facts. But Shizuo felt as if he would really feel nothing but lost if he didn't even acknowledge the truth – the truth that stabbed him all over again, the perpetual anguish that pained the blonde. Very well, Shizuo almost did murder the rapist after the police tracked him down.
"DIE!"
Arms pulled him back. His parents, Izaya's parents, Shinra, Celty. The man who killed Izaya shook in fear in front of Shizuo.
"I-I'm sorry –"
"The person that you should say sorry to isn't even alive anymore." He choked out those words. The young Heiwajima didn't know merely talking could cause him so much agony.
"Shizuo, hold yourself…"
"Shizuo darling…"
"I know you're mad, but…"
Cries of worry that were trying to coax him and calm him restrained his quivering fists. No – they didn't know. They didn't know how mad he was, they didn't know how Shizuo was incapable of holding himself back. He was unstoppable, to the point where he was certain he had gone insane.
"Shizu-chan!"
A cheerful, yet slightly evil and sly voice. The bright tone. Shizuo felt his body lower, as he fell on his knees on the ground, remembering the way Orihara Izaya had addressed his name. Sobs. Cries. Whimpers. Things that Shizuo never realized he was doing. The rapist still sat, shuddering.
"Out of all people…" Shizuo punched the floor, as the man in the opposite direction jumped, his fingers clawing on the wet floor. "Out of all people, why did you have to chose him?"
"I-I'm really sorry… I- I was drunk and I probably didn't know what I was doing…" The excuse was pathetic, but Shizuo knew there was nothing else he could do. For what seemed like the billionth time, Shizuo muttered the name of his significant other.
"Izaya…"
He had been such an inconsiderate idiot. He could've been nicer to Izaya while he was alive, and still in his steady mental state. But it was too late. The man was gone – his lover was gone. They had fought, argued like hell, and even withstood the violent rampages of one another.
But they also loved, kissed, hugged, and shared pleasure. They joined their happiness, and were truly blissful for a short amount of time that they thought would go on for eternity.
If only Izaya ever told him.
If only Shizuo was a little smarter enough to notice.
If only the rapist chose someone else – or nobody at all.
If only they never loved each other.
If only… they never ever met one another.
"Hey, Shizuo, this is my friend from middle school, Orihara Izaya. Izaya, this is my friend from elementary, Heiwajima Shizuo!"
Lighting another cigarette, the blonde crossed the street. Their first encounter sucked. They despised each other's guts, and hoped to murder the other someday when killing became legal. No – they were willing to do it, even if it were illegal.
But Shizuo wasn't exactly sure when their hatred transformed into something romantic. Maybe it was when they both finally realized that fighting actually did no good. Or maybe, it was when Izaya first decided to buy him a can of espresso for no particular reason. Shizuo hated bitter things, but that espresso was oddly sweet.
Their lips met, as Shizuo pushed Izaya on the bed hungrily. It wasn't good – he wasn't able to resist himself anymore. Izaya panted beneath him, clutching the edge of his shirt as his tongue danced along with Shizuo's.
"Ah- Shizuo… more –"
"Shut up for a second. I'm getting to it."
As he undid Izaya's buttoned shirt, Shizuo realized that the boy's lips were sweet. Not sugary sweet, syrupy sweet, or bittersweet.
It was his new favorite kind of sweet.
He got on the bus. His fingers stroked his bottom lip, as if trying to remember the pleasurable sensation he experienced that night. Shizuo never had sex then, and was a virgin – and so was Izaya. But they just enjoyed through the whole thing (good that they watched porn and read somewhat about gay sex) and played along. Numerous sessions of sex existed afterward, and Shizuo didn't remember a single night (or afternoon) that he didn't enjoy.
His face flushed red at the distant memory. Standing up, he got off the bus and looked around, finding the sign to go to his designated location.
"You know, I always thought you'd look handsome in a bartender's suit."
"That again?"
Izaya chuckled.
"I just really want to see Shizu-chan as a bartender, I guess. Did I ever tell you that I love cocktails and all those good alcohols?"
Rolling his eyes, Shizuo brushed the suggestion off, secretly taking a personal note to search up the requirements to become a bartender in the future.
He did end up becoming a bartender, although it wasn't necessarily because he worked for it. He re-buttoned his vest, and fixed the position of his loose bowtie. The Otoro sushi was in his hand, and the bottle of sake was getting heavier as he got closer to his destination. Which was odd, because Shizuo never felt that something was ever heavy in his whole life.
He was in front of a gravestone. The name read 'Orihara Izaya'. Feeling the cool breeze as he watched the sunset, Shizuo pulled off the wrapper of the sushi and placed it in front of the stone. Pouring a glass of sake, he put two glasses – one for him, and for Izaya. As he broke the chopsticks, Shizuo prepared himself to talk – but stopped himself, noticing that he hadn't put the soy sauce.
"Right, you hated it without the soy sauce, didn't you…" He mumbled, and felt a warm sunlight hit his arm, as if Izaya was grinning at him. Peeling off the cover for the sauce, Shizuo let the brown substance flow on the plastic cover. "Okay, eat."
"Shizu-chan should be more kinder like this everyday."
"Hah." Shizuo sniffed, rubbing the head of his nose. "Sorry about that." Izaya took a bite of the sushi, and popped it into his mouth. "Is it good?"
"Yeah – I really want to go to that Russian Sushi place sometime. Sounds like they make good sushi."
"We can go sometime, I guess. Although it's a bad idea to try the actual Russian sushi, the other dishes are fine." Shrugging, the blonde watched the raven drink the alcoholic beverage.
"This is really expensive sake, Shizu-chan. What, did you rob a bank or something?"
Scowling in friendly mannerisms, Shizuo grumbled. "I did not." Izaya simply ate some more sushi until he was finished.
He was wearing a black coat that brownish fur along its edges. Inside there was a black V-neck shirt, and his legs were covered with black pants. Shizuo eyed them for a while, as Izaya took another gulp of the sake. "You look good in that." He complimented, as the raven stopped eating and laughed aloud.
"Yeah, I remembered your preference."
"Fine, but I want you to wear something I want, too."
Izaya gave Shizuo a questioning glance, as Shizuo continued.
"Maybe… I don't know. Black coat, black shirt, black pants."
The raven huffed.
"Why all black?"
"It looks good on you."
"Well, thanks for remembering my preference."
"You look rather appealing in your bartender suit, by the way."
"I know. I remembered your preference too." Shizuo merely responded, as Izaya put his glass down.
Izaya's arms wrapped around his rough neck, as his fingers caressed Shizuo's thick locks of blonde hair. The raven leaned in to kiss Shizuo, and the blonde simply accepted the action.
Their first kiss.
"I love you, Shizuo."
"Love you too, Izaya…"
Suddenly, sorrow built up in Shizuo's heart. He held Izaya close, and passionately kissed him back. Orihara Izaya was taking over his whole body and soul. This was their final kiss – their last sharing of love.
Izaya's brown eyes looked into his.
"I love you, Shizuo. I love you so damn much, Heiwajima Shizuo – you captivating monster."
"I love you too, Izaya. Fucking Orihara Izaya…" Shizuo's croaked, as Izaya's gentle hand cupped his cheek.
"Never forget me. Love me. Remember me. That's what I want to say, but…" Izaya smiled. "Let me go, Shizuo. It's okay. It's okay to move on. Find new love… Even an idiot like you deserves that much."
"I can't." Pause. "Izaya, I can't."
"I'm a dead man, Shizuo. But I'll always love you. You will be the one alive, the one that always loved me. I never thought it was your fault that I died. I'm sorry for making a selfish decision. I'm sorry, Shizuo…" Izaya said sincerely.
"No, I'm sorry…" Shizuo hissed. "I'm sorry for not asking you about anything."
"It's fine. It's all alright."
"I love you, Izaya."
"I love you too, Shizuo."
When he opened his eyes, there were eight pieces of uneaten Otoro sushi in front of him, and two glasses of filled sake. Shizuo felt hot tears roll down his cheeks, as he touched the warm place where he had felt Izaya's lips just a few minutes ago.
"It's sweet, Izaya…" He whispered. His favorite kind of sweet.
"Too fucking sweet."
A/N: … Oh no. This is too sad. Oh no…