Date Written: 4-27-04
Date Uploaded: 4-28-04
Rating: PG
Series: Inuyasha
Characters: Sango/Miroku
Additional Notes: I'll just have to make peace with this piece of imperfection. It's okay, my first real exploration of the Miroku/Sango pairing. I love them together. But it seems that I more understand Miroku (good or bad… you decide). Just know that they are written as I believe the characters might think them, Miroku's is rather smooth and organized, while Sango's is more unsure and choppy. Forgive me if it's a bit hard to understand. Well, I'd love it if I got a review, if not… it's okay.
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Her hair spills like liquid obsidian across her face and I wish I wasn't so afraid to brush it away and reveal that ethereal beauty. I wish I wasn't so afraid to touch her. I know, I touch her all the time, but it's all in good fun. Now… I don't want to tease her and I don't want her to hit me over the head and brush me off as a pervert. I want her to return my touches… to hold me, touch me, like I ache to touch her.
She's so beautiful, like a goddess bathed in the moonlight. But her face… it is troubled. I wish I could wrap my arms around her and comfort her, make all her nightmares go away. But I can't… I can't stop my own nightmares.
My hands have begun to tremble in the cool, dark nest of my robes. It isn't cold. Buddha, if she only knew how much I love her. But I won't dare speak the words. Never. It's hardly that I'm afraid to. I'm not afraid to say 'I love you.' But I can't. Those three words would bind her to me and me to her. If I leave her, fall victim to my own cursed hand, I have only clipped my beautiful angel's wings. She must be free to love on after I'm gone. That's how much I love her.
If I didn't have this curse, she would be mine. But if I didn't have this curse, I never would have met her… what a strange paradox I have found myself entwined in. A blessed curse has been laid upon me. I cannot touch what I want so badly, yet it is just within my grasp. And only I stop myself.
My breath is gone as she simply stirs, casting the shadow of moonlight and slowly dying firelight across her smooth curves. But it isn't just her body I love.
It's that annoyed tone when she calls me a 'hentai.'
It's the way she stretches like a sunning cat when we stop on the trail.
It's the way her hand flickers across Kirara's brow.
It's the way she smiles when she's happy and the way she smiles when she's trying to keep us from worrying.
It's the way she laughs when Kagome 'sit's Inuyasha.
I love everything about her. I know she has her flaws, but they seem so trivial in comparison to the rest of her. She's strong, she's smart, and she's the best listener I've ever met. She has so many troubles, yet not once has she complained.
And I love her.
And if no one else ever hears that, it's something I'll have to live with. It's taken me this long to realize it. I love her.
I want her to know, no matter how many women I ever touch, it is she that I will always hold onto. She is the only one I really want. I've found a treasure laid out before me. Simply to look upon it seems a blessing. But it isn't enough.
I wonder sometimes if she really took my promise seriously. I wonder if she really would bear my children. But I don't want someone to simply carry out my quest when I'm gone anymore. I want to have children because we love each other and that's what normal, happy couples do. And all I want is for her to be happy- with me.
I sigh, letting my eyes roam to the sun struggling to make itself seen above the horizon line. And then I know she will awaken, and I'll fall in love all over again. I almost hate her for making me love her, but it is a pain I harbor every day and am pleased to harbor, if only for these moments.
And in this dreadful quiet I have come to realize something.
………
My curse isn't upon my hand. It is upon my heart.
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He thinks I don't see him watch me every night. But I do, and I watch him. And we sit all night and stare at each other. I don't know why he watches me, but I watch him because… I don't know… why do I watch him? Because he makes me happy. He makes me feel like a living, breathing person again, not that hollow shell I've been hiding in. He makes me feel like a woman, not a tomboy youkai slayer. Because… part of what makes me me is Miroku.
When was I attracted to perverted monks before, anyway? Not since him, that's for sure. Is that how much of an effect he's had on me? He drives me wild, and he doesn't even know it. He makes me want to kiss him one minute, kill him the next. Everything about him seems so alien to me, drawing me in. Those huge innocent eyes are constantly looking me up and down. I know what he's thinking. But I don't stop him all the time. Why? I don't need attention. And certainly not from a no good houshi like him!
Or maybe I do.
He makes me want to scream! But I'll stay silent. He isn't interested anyway. I'm just a… friend. A friend. The word is rough against my tongue. But why? I don't even understand myself anymore. Words get lost between my heart and my head and nothing makes sense.
He doesn't even know how much he hurts me. When he looks at those other girls- the girls with pretty faces, light hair, flawless looks. Not like me. I'm used, scarred, never a fit for such a man.
I could never say 'I love you.' I'm not afraid to say it. It's just that he could have anyone in the world. He's handsome, brave, and funny. What do I have to offer? My dowry is a tattered kimono and my Hiraikotsu. How could I compare? If I were someone else, somewhere else, he would be all mine, my wonderful, beautiful houshi.
It's strange… all this pain I've felt. All the loneliness fades away when I'm with him. He makes me laugh and he makes me cry. If I hadn't lost my family, I wouldn't have found Miroku, and I wonder if it was worth it. Then I look over the fire at him, half asleep, and it becomes an even trade. I know it's terrible, the man I've only known for a few months being comparable to my family, but he means that much.
I love everything I could about him. It the way he does what he does, is what he is, with no pretense of impressing anybody else.
It's the way he pretends to be polite and call me 'Sango-sama' in public.
It's the way he always stares at his hand and I know what he's thinking.
It's the way I know that, somewhere deep down, when he fights, he fights for me.
It's the way he looks right after I give him a good square whack.
It's the way he deserves that good square whack.
He has his flaws, but through them I… I love him. I really, truly do.
And if no one else ever hears that, it's something I'll have to live with.
And I want him to know that no matter how many times I hit him, curse him, cry for him, I'll always return to him. I always love him for what he is, pervert and all. No one else could ever understand… he's like a drug to me. No one else understands how I could possibly love him, and on close inspection I wonder myself, but all the same… I can't quit. I can't get him off my mind.
I wonder if he really would grant me those children we spoke of. Just our children. And he would be only mine. If I had that, I would bear him a hundred sons and a hundred more. But I wonder if he wasn't caught up in the moment like always… I wonder if he ever really will give up his lecherous ways- for me.
I can see him now, as the sun spills its first rays of light over the earth and he looks like an extension of the tired tree behind him, stressed beyond its years. I almost hate him for making me love him, but I can't hate him for anything. I'm far past that point. I can only love him- for his rights and his wrongs, his fears and his falls. And every time I look at him, the pain dies a little more, to be replaced by a new one.
And through my tortured dreaming I've come to recognize something that's been there for a while.
………
The pain is not from my scars. It is from my heart.
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… But no matter how much it hurts … I still love you …Authoress' Notes: In my experience, really good authors ask how bad it was and really bad authors ask how good it was, so I'm not asking either. I need feedback to know how this went. Also, I'm wondering if I should give this a sort-of-sequel that would more or less be a series of Sango/Miroku fluff. Tell me what you think.
-kitty