Title: 'Menage à trois'
Pairing: Allen/Kanda/Lavi, in no particular order.
Warnings: slash but not anything more than shounen-ai. Don't like same sex relationships? Don't read. Three guys together, that way, give you the shivers? Don't read. Too young for sex? Don't read! Drabble and, even worse, no beta!
Disclaimer: D.Grayman not mine.
Lavi really likes Allen. But Allen is so obviously in love, or at least in lust, with Kanda that he has no eyes for Lavi's plight. Kanda in his turn is pretty much in hate with Lavi. Which Lavi would hardly object to, if it weren't for his blasted feelings for Allen and Kanda's penchant for a violent resolution to any disagreement. After all Kanda seems to be of the school of a little murder attempt is the piquant sauce to go with the harsh dish of passionate love...
It is almost, Lavi reflects, a regular love triangle. Except for the fact that love is swinging a katana at an unprotected back in Yuu's book provided you allow the victim, if it is quick, just enough time to get out of the way. Or Allen's perverted peeking on Kanda during each battle. (The boy thinks he has been so smart so as to keep the fact that his cursed eye sees through clothing a secret. Ah, with skin that blushes so obviously and a Bookman trainee close by he had better think again!)
Lavi is the only normal one of the three of them. Well, as normal as someone pretending not to be human, while using a specific human persona, can be... It is not simple: Lavi gets confused as to who he is supposed to be at times in the morning. Keeping track of 49 aliases is hard after all. OK, Lavi has to admit that he is not normal either.
Still normal or not, Lavi is very normally fed-up with the situation. Also he thinks he has a solution for their love woes. With the saying 'Coward heart never won fair maids, or better yet, exorcist and samurai' firm in mind he sets out to rope Yuu-chan in...
It is not at all easy and ends up costing Lavi a few stitches, no little blood and the whole skin off his hands, but Lavi manages to woo Yuu-chan into a semblance of a relationship. Once the Japanese teen gets off the shock of being accosted and kissed (with witnesses no less) and after a tiny little murder attempt complete with a picaresque (out of a window while followed by a katana weaving loon) escape on Lavi's part, Kanda is ready to admit that he sort of likes/hates Lavi. The fact that he is not averse to some kissing is the expected bonus. His being amenable to quite a few other things comes as a surprise, though.
Lavi might almost be tempted to let things lie as they are, at least for a while, because let's face it Yuu is gorgeous and an amenable Kanda is just plain drool-worthy, but as they walk close together to the restaurant they cross Allen who has apparently already heard of the Kiss and is not expecting (nor desiring) Lavi to be alive, even less so for him to be close to Yuu.
Lavi had never seen Allen give anyone that kind of look, before, unless he was playing poker. And while his love for the little moyashi is one strong motivation to getting the whole mess sorted out, Lavi has to admit that self preservation is now the main incentive! One homicidal maniac is enough in a relationship. Two is skirting the edge of suicide.
So Lavi explains in detail to Linalee just how he netted Kanda. After making sure that Yuu is taking a shower and that Allen has had the time to get behind the neighbouring pillar with his crossbow and poisoned bolt. Hopefully, Cross' apprentice will be sufficiently adroit to wait for the murder witness to leave and Lavi will manage to defuse most of his anger before he ends up skewered. If he does get skewered he sure hopes that Yuu will call him back as an Akuma for he will have a few asses to kick into gear!
So after Lavi all but draws diagrams of their quaint little love triangle to the chosen victim, and the secret eavesdropper, explaining his evil plan of netting himself both Allen and Kanda two unforeseen things happen.
First, Linalee brains Lavi and leaves bawling. Apparently her crush on Allen is little bit more than just make believe to have Komui foam at the mouth. This is very bad as Komui's vengeance is sure to follow. Then again Lavi's actions just ensured that Linalee would probably remain single and a virgin for the whole of her life. Komui will probably build a chryselephantine statue to Lavi.
The real shocker, however, is Kanda, hair still wet from the shower, appearing just behind Lavi and, an unreadable expression on his face, commenting on Lavi's lack of planning in setting the whole thing up.
Kanda quietly observes that getting the three of them naked in the communal shower, early in the morning when it is empty, and going for a grope would no doubt have been the most time effective solution.
Then he grabs Lavi's hand. Drags him behind the pillar where a hyperventilating Allen is trying to come to terms with having two bishounens instead of one and demonstrates how his approach would have worked so much better.
Later once his brains cells have reached solid state once more Lavi thinks he will make sure Yuu is in charge of planning romantic endeavours next time. Kanda may be as blunt as Lavi's hammer to the head but he sure does get his point across. Straight to the heart of things, like a katana blade, is demonstrably so much better.