A/N: Every song I hear right now, I think NCIS! This one is 'Innocent' by Taylor Swift. The quote is from the back of the 'Fearless' lyrics booklet.
This is about Jenny from Tony's POV, after they are both cleared of murdering La Grenouille. The song is about forgiveness, so this is ony forgiving Jenny.
Hope you like!
Sarah x
Guess you really did it this time
Left yourself in your war path
Lost your balance on a tight rope
Lost your mind trying to get it back
Damn, she's really landed herself in it this time. And me. I just got accused of murder, for God's sake.
Now she's left Gibbs to wonder if he can trust her, and me to wonder why the hell she let it get so bad. She's keeping a secret from Gibbs. Again. Hell, she's hiding something from all of us, apart from Ducky. We all know something ain't right. Otherwise, she would not be taking time off right now.
She had been trying so hard to keep her head straight when Gibbs had left. I saw it in her eyes every time we discussed La Grenouille. It was like she started chasing him to fill the void Gibbs had left that was killing her. She lost her footing and let things spiral out of control.
She's secretive. Too secretive to do anyone any good, least of all herself. It's like she's trying to protect herself. Trying to get back what she destroyed between her and Gibbs when she lost it. When Jenny Shepard lost her mind.
Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything
And everybody believed in you
I know she's never really had it so great, but things must've been so much easier when she and Gibbs were together. There's no doubt that they were in love back then. They still are. Any fool can see it, except from them, it would seem.
She would be able to crawl in beside him. I know she feels safe when she's around him. More relaxed. If she would let herself, the probability is that she can crawl in beside Gibbs anytime she wants. She could feel safe again.
She used to believe in her own sanity. She can't now. Mainly because she had no sanity left. She is damaged, seriously broken.
I remember when I believed in her cover my ass. Maybe I still do, I don't know. Ziva still believes in her, but I'm sure Ziva's seen her in a much worse state than this. I think Ducky can still believe in her, but he knows her secret. Abby believes in her, Abby loves her to death. I don't know what she said to Abby about the dog, but it worked better than whatever Gibbs tried. It wasn't an order; she wouldn't do that to Abby. And McGee…well, the kid just does as he's told.
It's alright, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who your are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
Still an innocent
It's OK, Jenny. We'll just wait and see what happens. I still love you like you're my own family, no matter what's happened or how much we hurt each other.
You still mean a lot to me. Everyone else can say whatever they like about you, about how God damn reckless you are. So, you're reckless. They just have to live with it. Not everyone pussy-foots around worrying about the risk.
The places you've been the past two years haven't defined who you are. Not to me. You're like my mother. Taking care of me. No mother is perfect. They all make mistakes.
You're still innocent. Well, no, you're not blameless. This is still your doing. But you're still…good. You're a good woman. We all love you.
Did some things you can't speak of
But tonight you live it all again
You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now
If only you had seen what you know now then
She can't talk about the things she's done. Not only the Benoits. But hurting Gibbs all those years ago. She basically admitted it when I refused my own team when Gibbs came back.
She just had to go back over what she did to Benoit. She feels horrible now. Seeing Jeanne in that state, knowing she did that. She never did that intentionally, Jeanne was just one of the casualties that occurred along the way.
Jenny is currently God knows where doing God knows what. Probably punishing herself. That's who she is: if she hurts someone that didn't deserve it then she will torment herself as punishment. I don't know if she does it physically or mentally, but it's just as damaging to do either.
She knows she was wrong now. If only she'd seen it sooner, she could have saved her own mind. I'm not so worried about me. I can heal. But she's been wounded so many times that I'm starting to think she's lost the ability to heal.
Wasn't it easier in your firefly catching days
When everything out of reach someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn't it beautiful running wild 'til you fell asleep
Before the monsters caught up to you
Jenny was a brilliant agent. That much I know. She rose quickly through the agency, becoming Director at the age of 40. Now, I think part of her wishes she was still an agent.
Gibbs brought a lot of love into her life. She'd told him that before. He also covered her ass when she slipped up in the same way McGee did three years ago. He'll try and keep her protected as long as he can. Together or not, he still loves her.
It must have been good for her when they were in Europe. She's so solitary. No-one really gets beneath the walls anymore. Ziva managed when they worked together. Gibbs obviously did. Maybe Ducky, years ago.
Her demons have been chasing her for years. They caught her when she pulled the trigger. I know she did it, because I didn't and the CIA wouldn't dare try and frame her. She's got all her fears circling around her and she can't get away I call her 'Fearless Leader,' but she is terrified. Mind you, a great singer once said, "To me, 'fearless' is not the absence of fear… 'Fearless' is having fears… 'Fearless' is living in spite of those things that scare you to death…" Don't ask me how I know that, because I don't even know. Maybe I was flicking through Ziva's or Jeanne's music or something.
It's alright, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32 and still growing up now
Who you are is not what you did
You're still an innocent
Don't worry, Jenny. People are quick to judge others. Too quick to label you as a hard-ass who doesn't care about what she does to others when she wants something. I know you care. And I know you're sorry.
You might've been 41 years old when all this started, but you were still learning how to deal with losing what you need. You're still growing up now, and you're 43.
What you did was wrong, but that is not the person you are. You are usually caring and protective. You defend Gibbs even when he's caused so much trouble that we all wonder how you plan on reversing it. You were more concerned about whether Ziva would be accused of murder after we rescued you from Dempsey. You try your best with McGee, but see that sometimes the best way to help him is to let him figure out what's right on his own. You care about Ducky and Abby and help them do the right thing for themselves.
You're still good. You're still loved by each one of us.
Time turns flames to embers
You'll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too
Minds change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never too late to be brand new.
This will fade with time. She'll be forgiven. I'll forgive her. There'll be new chances for her to protect us, and Jenny being Jenny, she will jump at every opportunity. She loves us all enough to lay down her life for us.
She needs to remember that we've all screwed up. McGee shot a Metro cop. Abby nearly lost her job over a dog. Ducky managed to get himself kidnapped and almost let some whack-job drain his blood. Ziva let herself get framed by the Iranians. I fell in love with the daughter of an arms dealer. Gibbs left, for crying out loud.
People change their minds all the time. They constantly change their opinions of other people. They will change their view on her. God knows we'd rather have her for a boss than Vance, even if Gibbs will never admit it. At least she's capable of compassion and consideration of people around her.
I want her to remember that it's never, ever too late to try and redeem yourself. Yes, she screwed up big time. I know she's hurt me. But I'm not blind. The fact that Gibbs dated the Colonel probably only added fuel to the fire that ultimately led to her losing it. Gave her more reason to want a reason to be here.
It's alright just wait and see your
String of lights are still bright to me
Who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
It's okay life is a tough crowd
32 and still growing up now
Who you are is not what you did
You're still an innocent
Lost your balance on a tight rope
It's never too late to get it back
You lost your sanity, Jenny. It will never be too late to try and catch it again.
Hope you liked it!
Please review!
Sarah x