He was really getting tired of this. You'd think an ex slave could handle his emotions better, you'd think he could exercise the control that had kept him alive, but no not when dealing with Hawke. Fenris had taken to drinking the nights away at Danaries mansion these nights. There wasn't much to do when Hawke was off gallivanting about. Gallivanting about without him.
"I suppose I deserve it a little, I probably shouldn't of gotten so angry." Hawke had left him behind this time, replacing him with that maker cursed mage and that promiscuous rogue. It was hard coming to terms with the hurt he felt, being overlooked like this. And just how long was this moping about going to continue? He didn't even know anymore. His heart just kept hurting and he alternated between raging at the empty space or huddling in the corner. Hawke's face just wouldn't leave him be, that hurt look burned into his memory.
"I can't love you Hawke, not now... You have more going for you than a lyrium riddled elven fugitive." After all Hawke had regained the title and lands for the family. Hawke had risen through the ranks to become champion; Hawke had even bewitched that fool Anders into staying close. "Too close for my liking." Did that idiot mage think Fenris was blind as well as drugged? He was always making eyes at Hawke, always growing increasingly "friendly" no matter what Hawke did. If he wasn't good enough neither was Anders. Hawke did not deserve a glorified "high functioning abomination". And what was with that Pirate Rogue who kept flitting between both Hawke and him? And how about that blood mage? How did Hawke manage to accumulate such ill-bred riffraff and why were they all so sickening interested in Hawke? Why couldn't their rabid libidos in check? Hawke was no common Red Lantern fair. Hawke was... Hawke was... Hawke was just Hawke; an amazingly funny, charismatic and sweet human being. A human to whom laughter came to as often as they caused it. A human who was not only good in a fight but willing to fight. No wonder they loved Hawke. No wonder he loved Hawke.
Just a touch from Hawke made him quiver, just a few words and Fenris couldn't help but fidget under that stare. Every time Hawke would flirt with him Fenris couldn't help but feel more for Hawke. He'd been by Hawke's side for years now and his feelings just kept increasing. How could his heart betray him so? "And why can't I control it?" Fenris threw the bottle against the wall, his lyrium markings flashing. "Why am I so pathetic? Hawke isn't mine and will never be so. Hawke is a human. And I, I am little better than the slave I was." It would be foolish to think Hawke could love him in return, so very foolish. "Perhaps I am naught but a fool then."
Fenris pushed away from the table a little drunkenly; perhaps he could practice some sword work. Hawke was bound to take him along sometime and when Hawke did he needed to be in good shape.