As usual, I make no claims to the Hogan's Heroes universe. This story is a work of fiction, and any resemblance to real life is purely coincidental.

Enjoy!

Chapter 1: Here We Go Again

Corporal Louis LeBeau was sitting in the candlelight at the table in the barracks when Newkirk and Kinch emerged from the tunnel. Newkirk looked at LeBeau and saw him angrily flipping playing cards at the empty basket in front of him.

"What's the matter, Louis?" Newkirk asked.

"The electricity is out," the Frenchman responded testily.

"What?" a surprised Kinch asked. "It was fine a minute ago. I was just on the radio to London."

LeBeau shrugged. "It's been out here for a while," he said, flipping another card in the direction of the basket.

"No matter," Newkirk said, rubbing his hands together. "When's supper going to be finished, Louis? I'm starved."

"It's not," LeBeau replied. He flipped a card that landed in the basket.

"What?" exclaimed Newkirk and Kinch together.

"I thought you were making Quiche Lorraine tonight?" Newkirk said.

"That was before Carter took all the eggs," LeBeau replied, flipping another card at the basket.

Newkirk opened his mouth to respond, but Kinch spoke first. "Louis, why are you flipping playing cards at that basket?" he asked. "You never do that – Newkirk does."

LeBeau shrugged again. "I know," he responded. "And Carter doesn't usually take all the eggs either."

Kinch began looking around the darkened barracks. Suddenly, he gasped and muttered something to quietly for Newkirk or LeBeau to hear.

Newkirk turned around and looked at the American sergeant. "What is it, Kinch?" he asked.

Kinch began moving back towards the bunk entrance to the tunnel. "Nothing, Peter. You stay here and find out about Carter," he said as he climbed down the stairs.

"Wait, where are you going?" Newkirk asked. "Don't you want to find out, too?"

"There's no time," Kinch said as the bunk slid back down into place.

Newkirk turned back to LeBeau. "Now that's strange," he muttered.

LeBeau flipped another card. "And Carter stealing our eggs isn't?" he asked sarcastically.

"No, that is strange as well," Newkirk replied as the barracks door opened. "Why would he take all the eggs?"

"Why would who take all the eggs?" Colonel Hogan asked from the doorway.

"Carter," LeBeau responded, flipping another card into the basket.

Hogan opened his mouth to reply, but stopped and looked around instead. "What happened to the lights?" he asked.

Both Newkirk and LeBeau shrugged. LeBeau flipped another card into the empty basket.

"We haven't blown up the power plant again, have we?" Hogan asked.

"Not in the past few weeks," Newkirk replied. "And Kinch said that there was electricity in the tunnel."

Hogan looked around. "Where is Kinch?" he asked.

Newkirk pointed to the tunnel just as the bunk began to raise.

"Here I am, Colonel," Kinch answered, climbing off the ladder into the barracks. He punched the bunk to close the tunnel entrance. "I had an errand to run."

"An errand to run," Newkirk snorted. "When he found out that the electricity was out and that Carter had stolen all the eggs we had, he mumbled something and ran back down the tunnel!"

Hogan squinted. "Carter stole all the eggs that LeBeau was going to cook tonight?" he asked. He then began to look around the barracks. He suddenly gasped and muttered something under his breath.

"That's it, Colonel," Newkirk exclaimed. "That's exactly what Kinch did."

Hogan took a deep breath and shot a pained glance over at Kinch. "Do you want to tell them, or should I?" he asked the sergeant.

"You're the officer," Kinch retorted. "Sir," he added quickly.

"Thanks," Hogan muttered.

"Tell us what?" Newkirk and LeBeau exclaimed together.

"You're not going to like it," Hogan said.

"I bloody well don't like it now," Newkirk replied. "How much worse can it be?"

Kinch snorted as he tried to hold back his laughter.

Suddenly Newkirk's eyes went wide. "Oh no, you mean?" he asked tentatively.

Hogan slowly nodded his head. "I'm afraid so," he responded.

Newkirk removed his hat and slammed it on the table in front of him, sending playing cards flying. "Oh, bloody hell!" he shouted. "Not that twit again!"

LeBeau suddenly jumped up from the table, tossing the rest of the playing cards aside. "Colonel, request permission to escape," he begged. "I don't think I can make it through another one of those stories."

"Request denied," Hogan replied.

"But Colonel," Newkirk prompted.

Hogan held his hands in the air to stop the argument from starting. "It's already too late," he replied. "You couldn't escape now if you tried."

"I'm not going to have to sing in this one, am I?" Newkirk asked.

Kinch laughed. "No, not you," he replied.

"What's that supposed to mean, Kinch?" a concerned Hogan asked.

Kinch didn't respond. Instead, he made a small motion towards the barracks door. At that moment, the door opened and Baker and Vladimir walked into the barracks. Both men were singing softly. "Cause we're banned from the fun. We're banned from the fun."

"Fellas, knock it off," Hogan said. "We've got a crisis here."

"Anything we can help with, Colonel?" Baker asked.

"No, you two just keep an eye on the door," Hogan replied.

"Banned from the fun again," sang Vladimir.

"Actually, Colonel, they do play a part in this story," Kinch said.

"How do you know?" Hogan said, eyeing Kinch suspiciously.

"I know what's going to happen," Kinch replied with a smirk.

"What, your crystal ball told you?" LeBeau quipped.

"Oh, nice quip there, Louis," Baker said from by the door.

"Okay, hold it down," Hogan said. "I want to know how Kinch knows what's going on."

"Simple, Colonel," Kinch replied. "When I realized that he was back, I decided to take off and try to figure out what was going on."

"You mean?" Hogan asked.

"Yes, I actually escaped out of the story and wandered around the author's head," Kinch replied.

"Blimey," Newkirk exclaimed. "And you made it back so soon?"

"It was easy this time, now that I know my way around," Kinch responded. "After all, there's not much in there."

"True," Hogan mused.

"Colonel, you're musing again in this story," LeBeau commented.

"Knock it off, LeBeau," Hogan replied. "The more we call attention to these things, the more the idiot writer will put them in."

"Sorry, sir," LeBeau muttered.

"So Kinch, tell us what is going to happen," Hogan ordered.

"Sorry, Colonel," Kinch replied. "I can't do that."

"That was an order, Sergeant," Hogan said tightly.

"Sorry, your orders have been trumped in this case," Kinch answered. "You see, I actually had a glimpse at what would happen if I told you everything."

"And …" Hogan prompted.

"Pretty ugly, sir," Kinch replied.

"Uglier than this?" Newkirk asked. "Just how much uglier can it get?"

"Do the words 'Schultz' and 'speedo' answer your question?" Kinch retorted.

"Ew!" came the chorus of everyone in the room.

Suddenly the door opened and Schultz popped his head in. "I just want to state for the record that I was forced to perform in that scene," the hefty German said. "You can't hold that against me."

"Schultz, it was a different story, and we all know whose fault it is," Hogan replied, glancing around the room trying to find the most appropriate place to throw a glaring look.

The door closed and Hogan turned back to Kinch. "So what can you tell us about this story?" he asked. "Aside from the fact that it seems to be dragging along very slowly. I mean, the only think that's happened is that we've established that the electricity is out. Why is that, Kinch?"

"All I can say about the electricity is that it's a plot …" Kinch started.

"If you say the word 'bunny', I'll pop you one," Newkirk said menacingly.

"Hey Newkirk, that was pretty good," LeBeau chimed in. "Can you say something else menacingly?"

"LeBeau!" Hogan shouted "Kinch, the story," he prompted.

"Right, as I was saying, the electricity is a plot point and we are in the midst of a holiday special," Kinch said.

"A holiday special?" Baker and Vladimir asked.

"Exactly," Kinch replied. "That's why you two actually appear in the story."

"What kind of holiday special is this, Kinch?" Hogan asked.

"Well, as you know, tomorrow is Easter, well actually the day the story was posted is Easter, but for the purposes of this story time line, we have to make believe that tomorrow is Easter, which would make this the day before Easter, more specifically the evening before Easter because the action is taking place after dark" Kinch sputtered. He paused, taking several deep breaths.

"Um, can you repeat that?" Newkirk asked.

"No, I don't think I can," Kinch replied breathlessly.

"All right, so tomorrow is Easter and we are in the middle of an Easter story," Hogan prompted.

"Right," Kinch agreed. "You all know what a limited imagination this joke of an author has." He paused, noticing everyone nodding his head in agreement. "Well, this story is kind of like the television cartoon specials of the comic strip Peanuts that were produced, or I should say, will be produced, in the 1970's."

"You mean, a comic strip that has yet to be produced in our timeline, and shown on a medium that has yet to become mainstream and commercial?" Vladimir asked.

"Hey Vladimir, that was quite an English sentence!" Newkirk exclaimed. "And I didn't hear much of an accent either."

"Spasibo, Newkirk," Vladimir replied. "I've been taking electrocution lessons while you all are being used in the fan fiction stories."

"Electrocution?" Hogan wondered.

"He means 'elocution' lessons," Kinch corrected. "We're also going to have influences of other television sitcoms as well."

"So let me get this straight," Hogan said, rubbing his temples. "We are in a holiday special modeled after a comic strip with stale sitcom jokes strewn throughout?"

"Exactly," Kinch said.

"Good grief!" Hogan exclaimed.