Tiny white snowflakes swirled down gently from the starry night sky, settling on the ledge of the window you were currently staring out of. "Wow~!" Kagura pressed her face up to the glass, fascinated by the orange streetlights that illuminated the pavements like fireflies glowing in the dark. Shinpachi held a bowl of steaming soup to his lips and smiled endearingly. Even Gintoki had stopped reading his precious Jump to admire the scenery. You sighed happily and wiggled your toes under the kotatsu. It was the perfect New Year's Eve, like something out of a fairy tale.
YOU WISH.
Now let's rewind to fifteen minutes earlier in reality.
"Come on guys!" You pleaded desperately, looking at Gintoki, Shinpachi and Kagura. "It's New Year's Eve! What happened to all the festive spirit? Firecrackers, hotpot, reminiscing over old times and corny stuff like that?" You gestured at the huge pile of plastic bags lying in a corner of the room, overflowing with tacky goods you had bought from the supermarket a few days earlier. Dammit, you even had to wrestle with a couple of old ladies for the glittery red streamers!
Cue silence from the three of them.
"Fine then!" Holding onto your last shred of sanity, you pulled out your trump card. "I guess I'll just eat all the cake by myself!" Turning your back on them, you held the chocolate cake you had made painstakingly in your hands and walked away slowly, fully aware of three pairs of eyes suddenly glued to the cake.
"…"
"…"
"…"
"HEY SHINPACHI-KUN, REMEMBER THE TIME WE PRETENDED TO BE HOSTESSES IN THE CABARET CLUB?"
"Of course I do! We were dressed up as pool ladies! God, that was hilarious!"
"Gin-chan! Gin-chan! I remember that too, aru! And do you remember the crab that Otose-san gave us?"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"… You guys stole all the crab legs."
"Hey now, Shinpachi-kun. What are you suggesting? Of course we didn't steal the crab legs. Don't you remember that there was a blackout and you mistook the crab legs for candles? And that damn gorilla socked me in the jaw when I tried to stop it from eating the crab! God, that hurt like hell. I was bleeding from the mouth and everything."
"…"
"…"
"…"
And the shit hit the fan.
Let us now fast forward to fifteen minutes later, where you are currently hiding behind the sofa, avoiding the globes of chocolate cake flying everywhere.
As Shinpachi's glasses whizzed over your head, you silently berated yourself for suggesting to be more festive. What the heck were you thinking?! This WAS the Yorozuya after all. What were the chances of them having a peaceful and normal New Year's Eve?
As if in response to your question, a high-pitched "STAY AWAY FROM MY- EEEEEEEEP!" rang through the air, followed by a loud crack. You slumped forward in exhaustion, clutching your head in your hands.
That's right. None.
"HARLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY DAVIDSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!" Startled by the unexpected deafening roaring of an engine, you glanced up, only to see Kagura ramming a bike she had nicked from somewhere into the wall in front of you, effectively crushing Shinpachi's glasses. Your eyes widened and you looked over the sofa at Gintoki and Shinpachi, panic flooding throughout your body. Their faces were an exact replica of Munch's Scream.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO! SHINPACHI-KUN! HANG IN THEREEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Cradling the wrecked spectacles in his arms, Gintoki let loose a shrill shriek, kneeling on the floor and ignoring the indignant complaints of the real Shinpachi. "Quick! Somebody! Anybody! Call the ambulance!"
"AMBULAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN- Hic!" Wobbling unsteadily, Kagura fell off the bike, hiccupping uncontrollably, her face suspiciously flushed. She grabbed a random bottle lying on the floor and chugged down its contents, not even bothering to stand up. Your stomach clenched as you saw the label on the bottle. Holy crap. That's not the fruit punch you had made earlier. That's…
"SAKEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Shinpachi screamed, yanking the bottle out of Kagura's hands. "KAGURAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! YOU CAN'T DRINK ALCOHOL! YOU'RE UNDERAGEEEEEEE!" But his warning came too late. A very drunk Kagura was already lifting up the sofa and swinging it around with ease before crashing it down on Gintoki's desk, causing it to split in two. Focusing her bleary eyes on the now partially destroyed sofa, she proceeded to punch and kick it until it was bent out of shape, the colour of its fabric the only thing left over from its past life. "I WILL DEFEAT YOU YOU DAMN SADIST!" Growling like a feral dog, Kagura flung herself on top of what was left of the sofa, causing it to groan in dismay for one last time before it finally died, its soul drifting off to sofa heaven. You scuttled away and ducked behind Gintoki and Shinpachi, sneaking a peek at them. Their faces were now contorted in what you assumed was a distressed expression, their facial muscles doing some seriously straining exercise.
"KA… KAGURAAAAAAAAAA!" Shinpachi's voice was now more than just a tad hysterical, raising to octaves that could barely be heard by human ears. You gulped nervously, watching Kagura giggle helplessly as she ripped the stuffing out of the holes in the sofa. A drunk Kagura was definitely a million times more dangerous than a sober one!
"Calm down Shinpachi-kun!" Flinging an arm in front of both of you, Gintoki narrowed his eyes. "I've heard that fire sobers up even the most hardcore drunk! (y/n)-chan! Hurry! Give me some matches!"
Normally you would have facepalmed and hit Gintoki on the back of his head, yelling at him along with Shinpachi about what a crazy idea that was, but the sight of Kagura gnawing on a potted plant was just too disturbing. Obeying the silver-haired samurai, you fumbled around in the plastic bags, but your sweat-slicked hands were unable to get a firm grip of anything.
After what seemed like an eternity, your fingers finally closed around something, but it didn't even vaguely resemble the shape of a matchbox. A shriek pierced through the air. "(Y/N)-CHAAAAAAN! HURRY! SHE'S EATING SHINPACHI-KUUUN!" You glanced up in horror. Sure enough, Kagura had now abandoned the potted plant and was chewing on Shinpachi's glasses. Shit. It was too late to find anything else now! "CATCH IT GIN-CHAAAAAAN!" Barely daring to look, you tossed whatever was in your hands to Gintoki, who raised an arm and caught it effortlessly, actually looking cool for a change. He brandished the item in his hands, letting loose a battle cry of "MISSION SOBER, START!"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
There was silence as all of you took in what the item was.
"WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?!" Breaking out in hives, Gintoki gaped in disbelief at the suggestively shaped piece of plastic he was wielding. "AND WHY THE HELL IS IT BIGGER THAN MY ANALOG STICK? DAMN THOSE D***O FACTORIES! I BET THERE'S NO XXXX IN THE WORLD THAT'S ACTUALLY THIS FRIGGING HUUUUUUGE!" Overwhelmed with jealousy, he flung it at the wall, where it bounced off harmlessly and landed at Kagura's feet, bursting into flames.
Oops.
Wordlessly, you and Shinpachi walked out of the room and covered your ears, trying to block out the cries of agony and the occasional snap of a bone breaking.
"…(y/n)?"
"Yes Shinpachi?"
"My New Year's resolution is to keep my balls safe for another year."
"…"
It was then when the clock struck midnight, fireworks lighting up the velvety night sky like brilliantly coloured flowers, their loud noises and the joyous shouts of the people in Kabuki-Cho briefly drowning out the chaos happening in the room. You looked at the fireworks and sighed, pretending that everything was fine and Gintoki wasn't currently being beaten to death.
"Happy New Year everyone."
It was going to be a hell of a year.