I Knew

By Nini Roxanne

Rating: PG for dark themes

Summary: As Gandalf reads Frodo's mind while he heals in Ithilien, what did he feel? How did he see the events happen? This is a series of stand-alone vignettes, detailing how Gandalf perceived these things to happen.

I am frightened.

I must admit, I have seen quite a lot in my time. I fought a Balrog, feeling my flesh burn with the heat and praying you had made it to Lothlorien. I saw the Witch King in battle, and was cold and scared, like a little child. But the day I sat with you, after the Ring had been destroyed, and you were healing, I held your hand and read your mind, and I saw something that terrified me beyond anything.

I saw Shelob. I saw Ungoliant's descendant and I was scared. I saw you and Sam in that dark tunnel, I saw how Gollum abandoned you. I saw you running free, so glad to be excited and I rejoiced for you.

But then I saw it.

I saw her coming towards you and I screamed. I screamed aloud your name, hoping that you would turn around and see the spider. I heard Sam calling next to me as well, and then I heard him stop as Gollum had come around and attacked him. I was worried for Sam, but I needed to know what had happened to you. I turned, and saw her grab you with one of her large, stinking legs. I heard you yell, and I was so frightened. You drew Sting, and you tried to attack it, while I stood petrified, and could not find the strength to help you fight it.

But it got you.

It got you in the neck, and you instantly went rigid, and then fell limp. I was hit with such a feeling of sorrow and pain I had not known since I saw you arrive in Rivendell, or when the Orc rammed you with it's spear. And I knew you were dead, just as I had known you were dead the other times. The strange thing was, subconsciously, I knew you were alive and laying in the bed next to me, and yet I was mourning your death. In Moria, you jumped right up, and you were all right and I prayed it could be like that again.

And I knew it couldn't be.

I watched Sam wrestle with that thing, knowing he didn't know you were dead. It is, perhaps, a good thing he did not know, for then it all would have been lost. He would have given up fighting, maybe. And I knew I should have helped Sam, but I was in a state of shock. And I saw Sam vanquish Shelob, and crawl over to your web-wrapped body. He sliced the bindings with Sting, but he felt no life, and he felt you were cold. Indeed, it seemed you emanated a cold that crept into my body and made me shiver, feeling as though I would never be warm again. I saw Sam cradle your broken body that whole night, and I was with him when he decided to take the Ring. Sam saved us that night, he saved our cause, but he had not saved you.

And that made me more sad, cold, and shocked than any other time I watched you.