Disclaimer: I do not own the Mighty Ducks or Alvin and the Chipmunks' Twelve Days of Christmas which inspired this. I'm just messing with them
"And now as a special treat – those festive fowl, the Mighty ducks!"
The guests of the NHL sponsor ball stood to applaud then laugh at the ludicrous sight before them. Two security guards rode into the room on motorcycles towing the zamboni, which had been painted red, splashed aggressively with lashings of fluorescent glitter and covered in flashing lights. On board sat six festively attired but mostly unenthused ducks.
"Hey Wing, was this really necessary? This really ain't my thing you know." Grumbled Duke. Normally Duke L'orange would enjoy an opportunity to charm the crowd but in his current outfit – a full Santa suit complete with padding and a cotton wool beard, his coiffe hidden by a too big Santa hat – he was feeling decidedly unappealing.
Wildwing shrugged and adjusted his shepherds head piece. "I know this is a bit awkward but the sponsors asked if we would do a piece. I thought it's the least we can do as they paid for our tickets. Not to mention it means a lot to Nosedive. You know he wrote the lyrics himself and put together the costumes."
A groan arose from the other four at that. Nosedive, dressed as a king in gold was bent over the side of the zamboni discussing the music. His costume choices had been largely unpopular – Duke being Santa Claus, Grin and Wildwing were shepherds with novelty candy cane crooks, and Tanya was an angel much to the envy of Mallory. Her too short, sequined, fur trimmed Christmas elf dress was made even cheesier by the red pleather boots and hat that went with it.
"What" she growled, attempting to tug her skirt down, "has my costume got to do with anything? Why couldn't I be an angel too?"
Duke chuckled. "well, if I may refer you to lyric number six-"
"Hey guys, ready to roll?" Nosedive interrupted excitedly "Music's all ready, so I hope everyone memorised their parts!" He gave his team mates one last sweeping glance and groaned. "Awww Tauny! You're not wearing your Santa hat!"
Tanya blushed. "Well it's, you know, kinda hard to find one in my size! And since when to angels wear Santa hats?" She fingered a piece of gold tinsel she wore as a headband." I thought this would be more in character – "
"Come on, lets get started." Wildwing reminded them. And get this over with.
The ducks shuffled into line and pulled out their sheet music just as the music to the twelve days of Christmas began to play in the ball room. Wildwing came in with his part right on cue.
Wildwing: On the first day of Christmas Nosedive gave to me a fully pimped zamboni
On the second day of Christmas NHL gave to me
Nosedive: two Stanley cups
All: And a fully pimped zamboni!
Wildwing: On the third day of Christmas Thrash n' Mook gave to me
Grin: three water weapons
Nosedive: two Stanley cups
All: And a fully pimped zamboni!
Wildwing: On the fourth day of Christmas Wildwing gave to me
Mallory: four boring drills
Grin: three water weapons
Nosedive: Two Stanley cups
All: and a fully pimped zamboni!
Wildwing glared at Nosedive as he sung. Clearly his decision to increase training sessions to keep the team in shape over the holiday season had been not well received
Wildwing: On the fifth day of Christmas Duke gave to me
All: Five stolen jewels!
Duke nudged Mallory and hissed "You didn't have anything to do with these lyrics by any chance?"
Mallory smirked and continued to sing.
Mallory: Four boring drills
Grin: Three water weapons
Nosedive: Two Stanley cups
All: And a fully pimped zamboni!
Wildwing: On the sixth day of Christmas the Mallory gave to me
Nosedive: six overreactions
Mallory scowled. Looks like I wasn't the only one.
All: five stolen jewels!
Mallory: four boring drills
Grin: three water weapons
Nosedive: two Stanley cups
All: and a fully pimped zamboni!
Wildwing: On the seventh day of Christmas Tanya gave to me
Duke: seven miscalculations
"So inaccurate!" Tanya snorted
Nosedive: Six overreactions
All: five stolen jewels!
Mallory: four boring drills
Grin: three water weapons
Nosedive: two Stanley cups
All: And a fully pimped zamboni!
Nosedive was becoming more and more uncomfortable. In all his grand plans he hadn't accounted for how crowded a zamboni becomes with six people on board, even without the decorations. He was standing on the side next to Grin and the larger duck was taking up a lot of space, to the point where Nosedive was holding on to one of the decorative candy canes to avoid falling off. It was hard work, especially with a heavy crown that kept falling over his eye. He kept nudging Grin, but the larger duck wasn't taking the hint.
Wildwing: On the eigth day of Christmas Phil gave to me
Tanya: eight publicity stunts
Duke: seven miscalculations
Nosedive: six overreactions
All: five stolen jewels!
Mallory: Four boring drills
Grin: three water weapons
After nearly slipping over the side of the zamboni yet again, Nosedive lost his temper and instead of singing his part snapped "Hey Grinster, can you budge up a bit?"
The other ducks shot him dirty looks but continued to sing
All: and a fully pimped zamboni!
Wildwing: On the ninth day of Christmas Klegghorn gave to me
Mallory: nine donuts steamin'
Tanya: eight publicity stunts
Duke: seven miscalculations
Now too caught up in his inevitable fall to concentrate on the song, Nosedive grabbed the back of Grin's robes just as his feet slipped, and shrieked "Grin! Seriously can you move?"
A spattering of laughter echoed around the hall as the other ducks tried to cover up the outburst
All: five stolen jewels!
Mallory: four boring drills
Grin: three water weapons
Nosedive: two Stanley cups
All: and a fully pimped zamboni!
Nosedive was now hanging off the back of grin's robe but was too grumpy to let the situation slide. Grin was still apparently oblivious to his ordeal. He had his eyes fixed demurely on his words.
Wildwing: On the tenth day of Christmas Tai Quack Dou gave to me
Duke: ten Grins meditatin'
Mallory: nine donuts steamin'
Tanya: eight publicity stunts
Duke: seven miscalculations
Nosedive: I'm getting tired!
The laughter in the hall grew louder, and louder again as Mallory threw a novelty candy cane at Nosedive which ended up hitting a bemused Grin in the face.
All: five stolen jewels!
Mallory: four boring drills
Grin: three water weapons
Nosedive: two Stanley cups
All: And a fully pimped zamboni!
Wildwing: On the eleventh day of Christmas Canard gave to me
Grin's line was interrupted by a yell and a loud RRRRIIPP! As his robes gave way and Nosedive fell, into the zamboni's lights. Grin finally noticed something was up and turned to pull him out, revealing his long candy cane print underpants to the crowd who were now laughing hysterically. The other ducks frantically tried to rescue the song but no-one seemed to know how.
"Little friend! Climb on me…"
"I told you! Hey that's scratching me STOP PULLING!"
"ok, ok – nine boring donuts – wait, that's not right-"
" ah…six over – what are we up to?"
"seven miscalculations YES got it!"
"nine – are you eating that candy cane? They're made of cardboard!"
"Seriously? Ok, seven – wait we did that one…"
Wildwings voice echoed over the bedlam. "Guys! Focus!"
All: five stolen jewels!
Mallory: Four boring drills
Grin: three water weapons
Nosedive: two Stanley cups
All: And a fully pimped zamboni!
The ducks stood with renewed energy with Nosedive on Grins shoulders, determined to get the last part of the song right.
Wildwing: On the twelfth day of Christmas the brotherhood gave to me
Nosedive: twelve Dukes swashbuckling
Grin: eleven Wildwings leading
Duke: ten Grins meditatin'
Mallory: nine donuts steamin'
Tanya: eight publicity stunts
Duke: seven miscalculations
Nosedive: six overreactions
All: five stolen jewels!
Mallory: four boring drills
Grin: three water weapons
Nosedive: two Stanley cups
All: And a fully pimped zamboni!
"Ladies and Gentlemen, the Mighty Ducks!"
Their collective sigh of relief was drowned out by the wild applause from the ball attendees. They gave the obligatory waves and began to gladly disembark. Grin shuffled off immediately to find a change of clothes, blushing bright purple.
Duke hopped off and ripped of his 'beard.' "Well, thank stars that's over. I'm gonna go drink this memory away."
"well, it wasn't all bad." said Mallory airily as she jumped over the side of the zamboni. "This costume is growing on me. I think it brings out my…feminine side." She gave an uncharacteristic twirl, and glanced back at Duke – whose eyebrows had practically disappeared onto his hat with disbelief – for his reaction.
Duke chuckled. "sweetheart, it will take more than little glitter and a cheerleader skirt to make you feminine."
Mallory flounced away fuming as Duke continued to chuckle. A yelp from the zamboni caught his attention as Tanya tripped over the hem of her dress while climbing down and landed at the bottom in heap of sheet fabric and cracked cardboard. Duke's chuckles turned into hysterical laughter.
"Hey! Are you ok angel, 'cause it's a long way down from heaven!" Duke laughed, doubling over in his mirth. Tanya glared at him as Wildwing grabbed her under her arms to pull her up in a most undignified fashion. "Duke, I swear to God-"
"Yeah don't be a jerk, she could have been hurt." Said Wildwing reproachfully as he wrapped an arm around the scientist. Tanya shrugged him off. "I don't need your help." She gave him a withering look and attempted to storm off but took one step and winced. "Ouch…"
"You are hurt!" Sighed Wildwing, offering his arm. Tanya realised there was no salvaging her dignity now and took it grudgingly. "This party stinks." She growled as the captain eased her into a chair. "Usually when I start tripping over stuff I'm already drunk!"
"I'll get you a drink." Said Wildwing hurriedly and scampered away. Just then Nosedive returned from the bathroom sporting a dress suit.
"Hey guys! Grin will be a little longer, they had to run to the department store to find pants in his size…that went ok, don't you think?"
Duke rolled his eyes. "Sure kid, hows about next time we just set Grin on fire instead?"
Nosedive pouted. "Aww come on, it could have been worse!"
"Dive, you lost your balance, Grin lost his dignity, Tanya lost the ability to walk, I have lamentable hat hair, and Mallory –" He looked over his shoulder and shuddered. "yep, Mallory's dancing with Phil. I think the mighty ducks outta stick to hockey, cos I don't see any record deals in our future."
Nosedive looked so dejected that Tanya and Duke immediately felt sorry for him. They knew he had been looking forward to the performance almost more than Christmas day. "well, at least they laughed." Tanya said quickly. "And hey, the party's only just started!"
"That's right!" said Duke. "Youngster like you should be tearing up that dance floor, eh?"
Nosedive perked up. "All right! Time to give these noobs a taste of the Divester groove!" He planted himself unceremoniously in Tanya's lap and slung an arm around her. "But only if Tawny does the Macarena with me,"
"Ha! Depends what kind of drink Wildwing gets me!" Tanya laughed
Duke sighed and pulled off his cap. His coiffe sprung back to its usual volume with inexplicable elasticity. "That's that then. Now if you'll excuse me, it seems Mal-mal's taking a breather under some miseltoe…"