What up again, bastards!
The name is Villain-of-Awesome and you have stumbled upon my second big Zelda parody. Why am I doing A Link to the Past? Because nobody else is doing it. Alttp needs more love, and who better to give that love than me?
Because this is in my "Shameless Series," this is going to be written in the exact same style as my other parody, Awesomeness of the Ocarina. If you haven't read it, I suggest you do, because it is hilarious (according to my reviews)! If you don't like it, then you are in the wrong place, because if you find that unfunny then I doubt that you will like this. Lastly, thank you for your support. Without you readers, we authors would be nothing! Oh and review too, while you're at it.
Legend of Zelda:
A Link to Awesomeness:
A Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Great 2D Game
Long ago, back in 1992 or so, the Holy Land of Hyrule was said to hold a omnipotent and omniscient Golden Power. But Hyrule was an overall shitty place, filled with thieves, murderers, rapists, and wannabe rappers who couldn't rhyme worth a dime. Some of these people were known as Seekers, a person who searched for the Golden Power.
The Seekers often fought each other, hoping to cut down their competition. Even fewer actually discovered the Golden World, now known as the Sacred Realm, because those people who played Ocarina of Time and had never played this game this would never know what the hell I am talking about. However, those that reached the Golden World, never returned. It was like the Bermuda Triangle of Hyrule.
One day, an evil power began rising from the Golden World, and it threatened to crush the Holy Land of Hyrule whole. To combat this, the King of Hyrule called upon Seven Wise Men, once again these people are known as the Sages, because according to some Ocarina of Time is 400 times better than this game and whatever it says in that game is the gospel. Using their powers, the Sages created a seal to trap the evil power inside the Golden World for all eternity…
But we know how that works out. This is the story of what happened hundreds and hundreds of years later, when that story became nothing but a legend and a fairy tale.
"Aw come on, Aghanim!" the current King of Hyrule said as he sat uncomfortably on his throne, "I gave you a room to sleep in, I gave you some of my servants, I even gave you cable TV! Why are you doing this?"
"Because, my lord," began the evil wizard Aghanim, "The voices in my head told me to do it! Now let me ask you this, do you have anyone who can argue with the voice in my head and prove his thoughts wrong?"
"Um… well…"
"I didn't think so. You see, your doctors have always tried to put me in the nut house. I am not a nut, your majesty. How can I prove that? Well, I have another question, how many wizards are competent enough to gain the king's trust and then in the end betray him?"
"I… don't know…"
"The answer is none."
Aghanim walked a short distance away from the king to a small table. He then dug into his robes and pulled out a small vial. Within the vial contained a white powdery substance: cocaine. The wizard spilled the powder lightly on the table, lined it up with a small blade, and finally without hesitation, snorted it up his nose.
"AAAHHHH!" the wizard exhaled satisfied, "Any last words, your majesty?"
The king paused for a moment, until he finally spoke up and said those famous words: "You'll never get away with this! And, if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine!"
The wizard shook his head, amused by the King. But it was finally his time to die, and Aghanim's plans will finally begin to come together.
"Zippity Do Da, bitch!" the wizard shouted before blasting a wave of magical energy at the King, draining all of his life away until he was nothing but a skeleton, "You are such a tool King, everyone knows that I'M Obi-Wan!"
Several days have passed after the king's death, and Aghanim had soon gained full control of the castle and Hyrule's government. The soldiers begin losing their minds to the wizard's magic and began working for him without question. Bounties where made for the young descendants of the sages, all of which were young girls between the ages of 18 and 15. As the girls were each brought to the castle, they were imprisoned to later take an unknown fate.
Aghanim was known to invite the girls to his room, but when they went, none of them ever returned. As a result, Aghanim was rumored to be a drug-using, pedophile, murderer wizard, yet none ever dared to challenge him. Six of the seven maidens have disappeared, and Princess Zelda was next.
"Uhhhhh… uhhhhh…" moaned the wizard from inside his room, "Yeah... rise in the air just like that! Oh my! Oh you are so lovely!"
The sixth maiden was taken inside Aghanim's room just a few minutes ago. Only a few soldiers were permitted to be inside. The rest were standing guard just outside of the door. What was being heard was not seen, but was instead overheard by the soldiers outside.
"Yeah baby, yeah… I'm so totally going to send you to the Dark World now! OH YEAH! Yeah it's coming now! YEAH! Mmmmm… Welcome to the Dark World."
"Dude…" one of the soldiers outside began, "Aghanim is a serious freak…"
There was only one man who could save Princess Zelda, one man who could possibly defeat the wizard and save the entire land of Hyrule, one man who could and would answer the call of destiny, and that was the lazy and unrealistically popular Link.
End of Intro… To be continued… This is the part where I add a witty comment…