-1A.N =] This is just a crack fic that me and my bestest friend and fellow author here on fanfiction, John Oh is my Jasper, decided to write this after a pint of ice cream, several donuts, lots of sugar and a little discussion on ghosts LOL.

Like I said, this is a crack fic and is very OOC so don't bash people, that's not nice.

EDWARD

"Hmmm… what to do? I just dropped off Bella so it should be about 10 minutes before I can go back. Let's listen to Claire De Lune."

'Cuz I'm burning up burning up for you baby!'

"What the hell is this?!" I yelled as I pushed eject.

"Where is my Debussy CD?"

*Heard in the background*

"BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And you shall never know!"

ALICE

"OMG WHERE IS IT?! WHERE?! I was gonna wear it tonight! JAZZY!!!!"

I searched frantically as the music in the background seemed to add to my frenzied movements.

'L-O-V-E is just another word I never learned to pronounce…'

"What?"

"Where is my dress?!"

"Ugh Alice! Which?"

I groaned in frustration, "YOU KNOW! The little red one!!"

Jasper walked to the closet and gestured wildly, "You have a million red dresses!"

"UGH! GET AWAY!!" I said as I threw clothes around.

NOTHING! I stormed out of the room only to return shortly.

"I'll just wear something else!" as I grabbed another dress.

I turned and gasped.

Jasper had several of my shirts in hand while surrounded by mountains of clothes.

"JASPER! You made a mess in my closet! What have I told you about being in my closet! CLEAN IT UP!" I screeched.

"Where can it be?" I said nearing hysteria

"What Alice?"

"The little red dress that Christian Serriano made custom for me!"

"I don't know." He clicked off the music. "I hate that song."

*Heard in the background*

"BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And you shall never know!"

JASPER

I went to my radio and the music started….

'Do you want to know a secret? Do you promise not to tell? Whoa oh whoa oh. Closer, let me whisper in your ear.'

I sat cross legged on my bed surrounded by 50 history books with several others on the floor.

How dare they get the Civil War wrong! This shall not be forgiven!

I clicked my pen and began correcting all the books.

-4 days later-

Alice walked in and stepped on a pen.

"JASPER! My shoe!"

"Alice. You stepped on my pen. I only have so many. You stepped on my pen. I still have to write my angry letter and you stepped on my pen!"

"Jazzy, honey, its been 4 days. Your obsessed. Now go hunt and go shower."

"I am not obsessed! Just because I have 80 more books on the way does not mean I'm obsessed!"

"Jasper, go shower or else I'm going to write in your little books that all Confederate soldiers wore hot pink uniforms with sparkles on them!"

"Gasp! I'll shower! Just don't touch the books!"

-Jasper showering-

I grabbed the shampoo and started washing my hair.

I eyed the conditioner and decided against it when Alice said, "Don't forget to condition Jazz and I will know if you don't."

"Yes dear."

I reached around and felt for the conditioner but it wasn't there.

I looked around and nothing.

"Where the fuck did the conditioner go?"

*Heard in the background*

"BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And you shall never know!"

-- In family room--

"My Debussy CD has gone missing!" Edward said.

"My custom made dress is missing!" Alice said enraged.

"Yeah the conditioner went missing," Jasper said, "What the fuck is happening?"

"Hello my dear, awesome and adorable family who I totally love and would never do anything bad against. I've been hunting all day therefore I have not been inside and I heard about the missing things which I know nothing about because I have been outside all day you know like hunting."

"No one asked you Emmett."

"It's an FYI moment Eduardo!"

'I make em good girls go bad… I make em good girls go them good girls go bad!'

"What's that?"

"My phone."

"Hello? No shh! The llama is for tomorrow! Bye!"

"What llama?" Esme asked

"What? Oh! Umm… Llama is the Spanish word for food! You know cuz Bella's human. My observations have led me to believe that humans need food to survive."

"Well yeah Emmett duh and FYI food in Spanish is comida." Bella said.

"Shut up Bella. No one asked you and since where are you so Mexican?" (not being racist I am Mexican myself)

"ANYWAYS! Yes Emmett our stuff is missing!" Alice said.

"Le Gasp! We have a ghooooooooooooost! Faint Faint!"

"Emmett we do not have a ghost." Esme stated calmly.

"Poltergeist?"

"No."

"Gnome?"

"No."

"Leprechaun?"

"NO!"

"So… We've come to the agreement that it is in fact a ghost."

"NO! Luckily I prepared for this! I caught our so called ghost on tape!" Alice said triumphantly.

"Uh… I gotta go…" I said

"SIT DOWN!"

"Gosh okay, no need to yell."

A white hand crept onto the screen.

"THAT'S NOT MINE!" I yelled. "I ONLY HAVE 4 FINGERS!"

"No Emmett, you have 5." Bella said.

I looked at her. "You know Bella, no one likes a smarty pants, that's why Jasper tried to kill you. HA!"

"You guys! SHUT UP!" Alice said as she unpaused the video.

This time a white sheet covered hand crept into view, then a face looked into the camera and said, "I have Jasper's conditioner. Ooooooooooooh!!!" It left screen then reappeared and said, "Plus I'm I mean Emmett is super awesome!"

Everyone looked at Jasper.

"What?" he said.

"Jazzy how did you not notice that?"

"Well… Well, my shampoo is very relaxing so I tend to not notice random things." he said defensively.

"Okay Emmett the jig is up, where's all our stuff?" Alice asked impatiently

"Sigh Sigh! Okay, Edward your CD is taped to the ceiling fan on the 2nd room on the right on the 3rd floor, Alice your dress is in Bella's closet in the way back and Jasper your conditioner is in the tree in the way back right corner of the property. Honestly dude, you condition?"

Everyone glared at me and went to retrieve their stuff.

Once everyone came back Esme and Carlisle went hunting.

"OH! You guys I learned a new song! Wanna hear it?" I asked.

"No."

"Weeeeeeeellllll, Edward's mom is a bitch she's a big fat bitch…"

"Emmett! We have the same mom!" Edward exclaimed

"Oh. That's true…. Weeeeeeeellllll, Jasper's mom is a bitch she's a big fat bitch…"

"DUDE!! SAME MOM!!" Jasper yelled.

"Dam! Ok! Weeeeeeeellllll, Bella's mom is a bitch she's a big fat bitch…"

Bella closed the book she had been reading and hit Emmett straight on the head.

"Don't insult Renee Emmett." she said as she started reading again.

"Man! No one let's me have any fun!"

A.N=] IMPORTANT!!!! CONTEST TYPE THINGY!!!

OKIE!!! There are 4 songs in this story we call a crack fic lol. The first to review with the title and artist to all 4 songs will win!!!

What's the prize u ask! You actually get 2!

1. We, John Oh is my Jasper and myself, will advertise your stories on our stories and profiles to ensure that you get more readers.

2. John Oh is my Jasper has a story called Emmett's Guide to Surviving High School and (drum roll plz) you will get to share a stage with Emmett the Great himself! Meaning you will be featured in one of the chapters =]